Starting over
by thedarkpassenger85
Summary: Ten years passed since Amanda gave birth to the twins? Wanna know what happened to the Benson-Rollins family? Then read this epilogue and enjoy!
1. Confessions

Chapter one :

Confessions :

Detective Amanda Rollins never understood why people made such a fuss about monday mornings. While most people she knew were reluctant to go back to work after spending a candid week end free of any preoccupations or responsibilities, she was actually looking forward to returning to her new position as a special victims unit Detective. Granted she did not miss listening to countless victims describing their sexual assaults in excruciating details, she actually appreciated her job. When she first arrived in the big city, she was naive enough to think that her five year experience as a Detective in Atlanta investigating sexual offenses had prepared to face the brutal cases she knew she was going to encounter in New-York. Unfortunately, nothing could have had prepared her to the extreme violence of the crimes she soon found herself investigating.

When she first arrived at SVU, she immediately sensed how tensed the atmosphere was and despite hearing rumours about the incident that had lead Detective Stabler to retire she had decided not to bring it up and to just do her job, hoping she would gain the trust and respect of her colleagues.

The first Detective that warmed up to her presence was Fin. She had no clue how close he and Stabler were and knew better than to probe for information. All she knew was that working in New-York-City was more overwhelming than anything she had envisioned and she was grateful to have a partner she could trust and who knew the city and its criminals the way he did.

Fin was a good cop and a good man that had more respect for victims and women in general than the men she was accustomed to work with, not to mention she had helped her getting rid of her bookie and had allowed her to talk about her gambling addiction without ever judging her.

Unfortunately despite Fin, Munch or even Cragen's support and efforts to make her feel at home, Amanda only had eye for one Detective, one Detective in particular whose career she had been following for years. For years she had read articles about Olivia's work with rapes victim and she considered being transfered to SVU as a once in a life time opportunity. Working with her, learning from her experience and perhaps absorb some of that legendary compassion and sense of justice that had made Olivia one of New-York's finest Detective was almost a dream coming true for the younger Detective.

Unfortunately, when she arrived at SVU, she realized just how close Olivia and Eliot were and that it would probably take her a while for her to allow herself to get close to anyone else and determined to respect her privacy and need to mourn her long term partnership, she had decided to take a step back and observe her rather than bothering her with questions. She knew that if she ever wanted to earn Olivia's respect she would have to prove herself to her, to prove that she was a good cop, deserving of being her partner. And so she did, for months she worked alongside Olivia, observing her bonding the victims, especially the children for whom she seemed to have a soft spot.

Slowly though, the observation became contemplation and before she could do anything to stop it she had developed feelings for Olivia. How could she not? Not only she was gorgeous, smart, extremely devoted to give justice to her victims but there seemed to be something about her, something she could not grasp yet, but that had definitely caught her attention. What she could tell just by observing her interacting with the victims was that behind the apparent confidence and fearlessness, Olivia was carefully hiding a very sensitive even troubled personality and she was determined to crack the armour she knew her new colleague had probably spent years building around her heart.

"Where in hell is everyone? It's almost nine am." Sitting at desk that morning, Amanda took a quick look around and noticed that Olivia was the only one at her desk, which wasn't unusual as she seemed to live at the station but Fin, Munch and Amaro were usually reporting for duty around half past eight.

"Fin is in court, Munch is with Cragen out on a budget meeting and Amaro is in DC for another day." With the end of Amaro's marriage, SVU had claimed yet another family. Was this unit cursed? Was the satisfaction of putting perverts behind bars worth sacrificing their personal lives? Liv had stopped asking herself those questions years ago and had accepted her fate, or so she tried to convince herself.

"Oh right, glad he could spend the week end with his daughter. At least one of us enjoyed their week end." Appart from her disastrous date on saturday, Amanda's week end had been relatively enjoyable but those two hours had been enough to leave a bitter taste in her mouth and to make her regret accepting going out on a blind date with a complete stranger.

"That bad?" Truth be told, Olivia knew nothing about Amanda's life outside of work. Their social interactions were limited to a few drinks here and there with the rest of the team and after almost a year of working alongside the younger blonde the only thing she knew was that she had been assaulted in Atlanta and that she had a sister.

"Yeah, that's the risk you take when to agree to go on a blind date." The simple thought of her date were enough to give her hives and she had sworn never to go on a blind date again.

"Let me guess. He was bold, fat and still lived with his mother." As mean as it was, Olivia found Amanda's misfortune amusing and she felt almost relived that being young and attractive did not preclude you from struggling to get a descent date.

"Actually _she_ was very attractive, smart, driven and very successful in her field. Coming to think of it, she's actually quite my type, it's just..." _It's just that as perfect as she might be, she is not you_. Those were the words Amanda was craving to finally allow to slip through her lips, but she couldn't, wouldn't allow herself to make such a confession.

"It's just..." Slightly tilting her head, Olivia immediately understood that something was bothering her. Was she prying by encouraging her to tell her more about what was bothering her about her date? Amanda barely knew her after all and even if she found herself curious about her recent misfortune, she knew better than to expect Amanda to confide in her.

"She was just...too young, foolish and inappropriately excited about everything you know?" Saying those words Amanda realized that she had never mentioned her sexual orientation to anyone in her team, not even to Fin after he told her his son was gay. She wasn't the kind of woman to be ashamed of who she was and she had always been very open about her sexuality and proud of her life choices, she was just a very private person. Unfortunately, she knew that to get Liv to open up about herself she had to be willing to share as well.

"Oh I see. She started talking about her job and things that she's passionate about and wouldn't shut up?" A bit disconcerted by the discovery that Amanda was a lesbian, Olivia sat up straight into her chair and mechanically crossed her arms on her desk. Was Amanda looking for a confident or was she trying to tighten their partnership by sharing about her personal life?

"Exactly! Don't get me wrong, I like ambitious women who are passionate about what they do, it's just that she was talking so fast, agitating her hands in the air that I could barely follow her or let alone establish eye contact. Call me old school or even boring but I like quiet, calm women I can look in the eyes while talking." Without realizing it Amanda had described the brunette sitting in front of her, but she knew that Olivia had to remain a fantasy, something that was so far from her reach that she had to forget about it, at least for now. To her own admission, Amanda had had a very intense dating life when she was in Atlanta and going after an older and more experienced woman never scared her but when it came to Detective Benson her gaydar was failing her. She knew that Olivia had been involved with men in the past but she could not for the love of God tell if she was into women as well and she was not willing to compromise her position at SVU until she had received clear signals from Liv's part that she was indeed playing for both team or at least open to the idea.

"Not a puppy you'd have to train to canalize its energy. I get it. So I take it that you won't see her again?" Despite not knowing Amanda as well as she should after a year of working together, Liv could feel that she was keen on sharing, which in a way was a blessing.

After having worked with men for the past 14 years Liv had accustomed herself to hear about sports, women or any other topic that interested Munch, Fin and Eliot. Now that Amanda had joined the team she was hoping to finally develop a friendship with someone that didn't have a penis.

Thinking about it, Liv had not shared a real friendship with another woman since joining SVU. Not only she did not have the time to make friends outside of work but she found it extremely hard to find a woman that would not judge her for choosing to work at SVU. Women could understand why a man could want to work sex crimes, but for most of them, for a female to choose to investigate rapes she had to be seriously deranged.

Sure, she was friendly with Melinda and Casey but she considered them as work acquaintances not friends, confidents she could turn to in a time of need.

Then there was Alex, with whom she had actually tried to develop a true friendship, unfortunately in vain. Sure they had shared many meals and drinks together and shared anecdotes about their miserable dating lives but despite Liv's best efforts, Alex had remained true to her reputation of a cold, career oriented woman who did not embarrass herself with friendships that could not help her political ambitions.

So when Alex came back from her two year assignment in Africa, Liv didn't try to get in touch with her to rekindle their so called friendship, simply because there was nothing to rekindle in the first place, not since Alex had declined answering her phone calls after coming back from the witness protection program.

Despite her sympathising with Alex's need to rebuild her life, to find herself again, Liv had moved on from both Alex and Eliot, who had also decided that having her in his life was not what he needed to recover from that shooting that had cost him his career and faith in himself.

Far from being discouraged by those two misfortunes, Liv had decided she had to stop wondering what she had done wrong to make both Alex and Eliot push her away and to look towards the future and to start treating Amanda with the consideration she deserved. They were the only women in the entire unit and they needed to stick together, to have each other's backs.

"Probably not. My friend who arranged the date told me I should at least keep her as a booty call but that's not what I'm looking for. I mean, casual sex is great when you're twenty but when you reach a certain age you start to feel compelled to look something more, something sincere and durable." Why was Amanda trying to appear more mature than she actually was? The truth was that she had several fuck buddies back in Atlanta but facing Olivia, looking into her big brown eyes, she simply didn't have the heart to reveal that side of her yet, not that she was ashamed of the choices she had made in the past but part of her wanted Olivia to see her as more than a hot blonde/player. She knew that being her forties Olivia's internal clock had probably been ticking for years and that she probably had had enough of meaningless relationships.

"I know what you mean and wanting something more is perfectly honourable but when the opportunity presents itself, don't shy away from enjoying yourself. God knows between the long hours and the horrors we see on daily basis such opportunities can turn out to be rare if not inexistent." That was an understatement. Either the men she was dating were disgusted by her choice of career or they were excited about it and fancied her as a sexual freak with eccentric tastes. Good times and descent companionships were rare and after spending years hoping to meet that very special person that would not only accept her with her flaws, darknesses and contradictions, Olivia had slowly learned to enjoy her single life and make the most of it and not to wait for a man to make her complete. Unfortunately as much as she enjoyed her independence, the loneliness that came with it had started to print its mark deep into the Detective's soul.

"I agree." Nodding as she finally reached out for the gigantic pile of paper work she knew she was going to have to go through today, Amanda smiled, satisfied by the brief conversation she had shared with Olivia. Though Olivia had not shared anything about herself, she finally seemed open to get to know her better and that's all she wanted.

**Alright guys...That's a first chapter. For those who follow my stories you know that I usually write Rizzles fictions but my first story was actually an A/O fiction! **

**This time I decided to write a Rolivia fiction. Because we know little about Amanda I feel that I'm going blind and though I know exactly how I'm going to write Liv and her "dark side", I have yet to figure out who Amanda Rollins is going to be in this story and as scary as it is, it's also exciting.**

**I hope you enjoyed this first chapter, I'm already working on the second chapter but I'm open to ideas :).**

**PS : I have been struggling with the biggest writer's block since the first week of september when I posted "dreams" last chapter and I'm well aware that my english is rusty if not mediocre, but please indulge a native french speaker and bare with me. I know that the more I'm gonna write the more likely I am to improve my english.**


	2. Sharing

**Hey guys! I must confess I'm completely overwhelmed by the amount of support I received for the first chapter. This is still a fairly new and ship and did not know what to expect. Th****anks to my rizzles readers for following me into the SVU fandom :)**

Chapter 2 :

Sharing :

After finishing their conversation about Amanda's misfortune both women threw themselves into their paperwork, using this quiet day to catch up unfinished reports.

To Amanda's surprise, Olivia's attitude did not change for the worse, she did not try to avoid eye contact or talking to her, quite the opposite actually. While she was generally particularly focused while catching up on paperwork, Liv initiated conversation twice, nothing deep or personal though, just small talk regarding their recent cases.

After working alongside Olivia for over a year and seeing her behave with gays and lesbians, with the same compassion, patience and respect she treated straight victims with, Amanda never doubted Liv's tolerance regarding her sexuality. Unfortunately after feeling almost ignored for such a long time, she had almost given up the thought of seeing her warming up to her the way Much, Fin or Cragen had and certainly never excepted her to become so chatty all the sudden. Maybe waiting for her to have mourned her partnership with Eliot was a mistake, maybe she should have been more pro-active and try to establish a more personal relationship sooner...

Determined to enjoy her newly found friendship, Amanda finally felt that she would not have to be afraid to speak her mind while around Olivia because she felt she resented her very existence and presence at SVU. Amanda was carrying many insecurities about herself as a person but she never doubted her abilities as a cop. She was a good Detective and now that Olivia seemed to have finally warmed up to her, she'd have the opportunity to show her just as good she was.

"And I'm done!" Amanda exclaimed as she allowed herself to fall back on her chair, cupping her face with both hands, rubbing it vigorously. Amanda hated the bureaucracy that came with the extreme satisfaction of closing a case. What drove her, nourished her was being on the streets, investigating, pushing her own limits and filling up report barely qualified as a challenge for her brilliant intellect.

"Congratulations! Are you heading home?" Quickly checking her watch Liv was forced to admit that she would probably be done as well had she not spent the entire day trying to make conversation with the blonde.

"Yes, unless you need help finishing up." Looking straight into the brunette's big brown eyes, noticing the dark circles underneath, Amanda couldn't help but suspecting that Olivia had not had a descent night of sleep since Eliot had left and was more than happy to help getting home at a descent hour.

"Thanks, but I'm good, shouldn't take me more than an hour. Enjoy your evening Amanda." Truth be told, this report she was trying to finish wasn't anything urgent and she could have easily gone home and enjoy a quiet evening. Unfortunately and for the past year, Liv had rarely been able to bring herself to go home unless she could barely keep her eyes open. She knew that lying in her empty bed, without feeling the physical need to sleep, she'd be staring at the ceiling for hours and that she would not be able to refrain herself from thinking about the disaster her life was.

In most cases middle life introspection can be beneficiary but when it came to look back at her life all she could see was how she had somehow messed up every single relationship in her life, romantic or not.

While going home was a blessing for most people, for Liv it was like going to jail, after being given the death penalty, her wounded soul being a very dark, cold and unwelcoming cell. Being Olivia Benson had never been easy but for the past few years things had seemed to have gone from bad to worst, to a point where she often wondered if if her life was still salvageable or if it was broken beyond repair.

"I sure will. Good night Liv." That evening Amanda Rollins went home, a couple of blocks from the station, with only one obsession : treat herself with a bubble bath, some jazz music and some vanilla mango sorbet. Liv was right, the opportunities to enjoy themselves were rare enough and she had no intention on passing on this one.

An hour later, as planned, Liv was finally heading home when she noticed a wallet on the floor, right next to Amanda's desk.

"She must have dropped it when she put her jacket on." Scratching the back of her head, Liv took a minute to consider her options. She could either hold on to it until the next morning or drive to Amanda's place and give it back to her tonight, knowing that if Amanda was to noticed that she was missing her wallet she might feel compelled to cancel her credit cards, trouble she wanted to spare her.

So after checking Amanda's driving license, Olivia jumped into her car drove to the blonde's apartment that was conveniently only a couple of blocks from the precinct.

Standing in front of Amanda's apartment a few minutes later, Olivia took a deep breath before knocking on her door, unknowingly fixing up her hair with her fingers.

On the other side of the door Amanda was sitting on her kitchen isles waiting for the water to finish boiling so she could make herself a cup of tea. Hearing the rather loud bang on the door Amanda immediately startled and as she bounced off the kitchen isles and walked towards the door she started to pray that it wasn't her downstairs neighbour coming to ask her to help her find her missing cat for the third time this month.

"Liv, what are you doing here?" Opening the door, Amanda almost chocked on her own saliva when she saw her college standing in front of her.

"You dropped your wallet." Mumbling as she handed her the missing wallet Olivia found herself roaming her eyes on Amanda, from head to toe. Her hair was done in a ponytail and she was wearing large grey baggy pants and a white top tank that revealed her beautifully sculpted arms.

"Oh thanks…Gee, what a dork, please come in. I was just about to make myself a cup of tea." Hitting her forehead with the palm of her hand as she opened the door to let the Detective in, Amanda took a quick look around her apartment to check if everything was in order, if there was no underwear or dirty clothes lying around. She was not expecting any visitors and had not had time to clean up.

"Sure." Stepping inside the younger blonde's apartment, Olivia couldn't help but giving it a quick look. It was a rather large one bedroom apartment with hardwood floors, a small kitchen and a descent sized living room. Smiling as she followed Amanda, Olivia immediately noticed the very simple nature of the decoration. The furniture was reduced to a minimum : a glassy coffe table, two large leather chairs at each side of the large red sofa. Appart from a few framed pictured of her with her sister and mother, the only thing remotely personal in that living room was a rather large book shelf.

"Please have a sit, while I make us some tea and before you ask, yes my mother did all the decoration." Walking towards the kitchen, Amanda was slightly uncomfortable, she had invited a few people to her place since moving to New-York but having Liv sitting on her couch was almost surrealistic. God she was gorgeous, tossing her hair behind her ear while trying not to pry and sit straight.

"Did she?" Liv who up until now thought Amanda and her shared the same simplistic view on home staging realized that she had that the one she shared it with was in fact her mother. She knew Amanda was younger than her but up until now it had not occurred to her just how much younger she truly was.

"Yes, the apartment came unfurnished and a month after moving in, all I had bought was a mattress and a couple of chairs. So when she came to visit she took it upon herself to go shopping and furnished the whole thing. I'm grateful though, she knows my tastes and that I tend to enjoy simple, functional furniture. " Tossing two spoons in the mugs she had carefully chosen Amanda walked towards Olivia, hoping she wouldn't spill tea on her brand new carpet.

" I see, thank you." Welcoming the warm cup of tea Amanda was handing her, Liv smiled internally, happy to see that that minimalistic decoration was of Amanda's taste after all, not her mother.

"Are you close to your mother?" Amanda had mentioned her mother and sister several times over the past year but had never heard Olivia mentioned hers. She knew about her troubled half brother but that was all she knew about her family.

"My mother died twelve years ago now but we weren't that close." And that was all she was willing to share for now. While she knew that at some point Amanda might ask her what had motivated her choice of career, she wasn't willing to reveal that she the product of her mother's rape and that she had spent her childhood watching her drink herself to sleep every night.

"Oh, I'm sorry Liv." Amanda, who had settled on the couch next to Olivia, instinctively reached out for her forearm and gently started to rub her shivering skin with her thumb. She could complain all she wanted about her mom but she was grateful to have a descent relationship with her. Seeing the goose bumps talking about her mother mother had given her, she realized just how affected Liv was by her death and the lack of connection between them.

"It's alright. I have made peace with her a long time ago. So how's New-York treating you?" Trying to keep her composure Liv took a quick sip at her tea, knowing it wouldn't warm up her heart as much as Amanda's touch was. Was this normal? Was she supposed to feel comforted just by feeling the blonde's fingers on her arm? Regardless, it felt good, really good.

"Better since I have earned control over my addiction." If anything, Amanda was honest and while she was a bit ashamed to bring up her addiction like this she didn't want to hide it or to hide any part of her to Liv. Her thirst for honesty was very unsettling for the young Detective who was such a private person but there was something about Olivia, that made her believe that it was okay to expose her flaws to her, that she wouldn't judge her.

"Still going to meetings?" How could she judge her when she was raised by an alcoholic mother. If anything Olivia was perfectly qualified to understand Amanda's addiction and knowing she was struggling against it did not change how she felt about her. Amanda was a good person, she had just lost herself a bit along the way, but nothing that could not be fixed.

"Yes, I am. I had everything under control in Atlanta because I always managed to keep busy. When ever I wasn't on the job, I would visit my mom or sister or hang out with my friends but here…"

"You don't have your support system."

"Well, in a way I have found a new support system but I don't want to bother Fin or Cragen unless it's absolutely necessary. The meetings help a lot, I don't feel the need to work 15 hours a day just to keep myself away from my bookie. Now I can leave work early with nothing else to do other than laundry without feeling anxious about it."

"That's good. The way to recovery is always long but you seem strong enough to defeat that addiction." She did not want to make any assumptions and while she had barely paid attention to Amanda up until recently, the one thing that she could tell was that she was a strong, determined young woman and there was no doubt in her mind that she could accomplish anything she committed herself to.

"I hope so. On the other hand you know what people say : once an addict, always an addict. So I know no matter how long I manage to keep my urges under control for, I will never be completely free from relapsing but I'd rather stay optimistic. Life is too short to torture myself over it. What about you Liv, any vice I should know about?" She could not for the love of God picture Olivia being addicted to anything as perverted as drugs, alcohol or gambling, she was too much of a stand up person to get herself trapped in that.

"Does working 15 hours a day six days a week count as addiction?" The sad truth was that Liv was using work the same way an addict would use drug or alcohol : as a way of escaping from the dark abyss her life had become and just like alcohol had gotten the best of her mother, it was slowly killing her.

"Sure, hence the term workaholic but I wouldn't say you're addicted to work. Proof is it's only nine o'clock and you're here when you could have found some excuse to stay at the station. You're just devoted to the job, nothing work with that." While she was honoured that she was confiding in her, Liv's confession and the look in her eyes were heart breaking. She wasn't speaking lightly, she truly considered herself as an addict.

"And I'm starting to wonder if it was worth it. If all the lives I saved and all the victims I helped were worth sacrificing my life."

"Oh come on Liv, you're still young, your ife is not over. You can still live the life you always wanted to live." Once again, Olivia's sincerity hit Amanda in the face, maybe she wasn't as strong as she thought she was, maybe she was as damaged as she herself was.

"I know. It's just that bad habits die hard and after spending the past twenty years putting the victims first, I doubt that I'll ever be able to put myself or any relationship first ever again." And God knew she had tried. She tried to date, to commit herself to men but she had never managed to kept herself away from a case, to just go out on a date during an open investigation confident that her team had everything under control.

"That's because you haven't met the right person. Trust me when prince charming shows up and sweep you off your feet, you'll learn to compromise." Prince or Princess charming? After considering her choice of terminology for a second, Amanda decided not to push her luck, Olivia was confiding in her and the last thing she wanted was to make her uncomfortable.

"Speaking from experience?"

"Actually yes. It was a long time ago but that relationship forged me, showed me what I was capable of, the good and the bad. What about you? Was there a special someone that made you who you are today?"

"I wouldn't go that far but there was this guy when I was sixteen that taught me a lot about myself and life itself."

"What happened?" So Liv had been in love in the past and while it was ages ago it showed that she was capable of letting people in and she was hoping that what had happened to her since that romance had not dissuade her to keep hoping that it could happen again.

"He was twenty and one of my mother's student. One night I came home and told her I was moving out and that I was going to marry him." Realizing how foolish she had been at the time, Liv couldn't help but smiling. As much as she had hated her mother for destroying that relationship she had, at least kept a sweet memory of that guy.

"Wow, how did she react?"

"She told me that if I continued to see him, she would not only file charges for statutory rape but that she would also make sure that no college in his country would ever accept him."

"Was she bluffing?"

"I didn't take the chance of figuring out. He had a brilliant future ahead of him and I did not want to compromise that just to spite my mother because in a way that's one of the reason why I was dating him, as a provocation." Forced to admit that love was not her only motivation for dating that guy, Liv couldn't help to wonder what would have had happened if she had married him.

"You wanted to show your mother that you weren't a child anymore." Finding out just how rebellious Olivia truly was and for how long she had stoof up against authority, Amanda felt a violent electricity wave running through her body. This part of Olivia's personality was arousing.

"Yes, but looking back I'm grateful that we didn't get married. I thought I was in love but I now realize that it was more of a rebellious kind of crush."

"Yes, everything that's forbidden is automatically more exciting." Biting her bottom lip, Amanda found herself more and more attracted to the older Detective. This was going to be a painful relationship if Liv turned out to be as straight as an arrow but the rush of adrenaline as she looked deep into her eyes was well worth it.

"Tell me about it. You know I googled him a few years back. He lives in Italy and owns a very successful import export company, he's married and has two kids and he's still hot as hell."

"Come on Liv, don't do that to yourself. As I said you're still young, and when the right person comes along everything you went through will make sense because it lead you exactly right at that moment and to that person and for what it's worth, I think you're also still hot as hell." The usually confident, even cocky Amanda suddenly felt her cheek warming up as the words slipped through her teeth, almost without her consent.

"Thanks." Olivia might have not paid much attention to Amanda over the past year but she could see how the younger Detective was looking up to professionally but she was just starting to suspect that she might have a crush on her. Far from being destabilised, Liv decided to embrace it, forced to admit that she was profoundly flattered that such a young and attractive woman could be attracted to her.

**So what did you guys think?**

**Am I moving too fast? When I first started writing this chapter I wanted to slowly develop their friendship but I ending up making Liv suspect that Amanda might have a crush on her.**

**Who knows, it might not be a bad thing, it might trigger a new self introspection and she might have an epiphany and if not, at least feeling Amanda is attracting to her might boost her self esteem.**

**Anyway, please feel free to comment/criticize/flame my english...**


	3. Wounded

Chapter 3 :

Wounded :

That night Olivia went home around ten O'clock and for the first time in over a year fell asleep as soon as her head hit the pillow. She wasn't physically drained or anything but for the first time since Eliot had left, her soul was in peace and she owed it all to Amanda.

There was something about the younger blonde that had compelled her to open up and while they had not even mentioned Eliot's name once, their conversation seemed to have relieved some of that oppression his departure had surrounded her heart with. It had also helped her recognise that she did not have to go through her life denying her feelings, that there was someone who cared about her enough to listen to her and assist her into making sense of them.

Seeing the empathy and respect in Amanda's eyes as they were talking, Olivia could finally appreciate that she did not have to be that impassible hero, that her wounds did not make her weak and less worthy of Amanda's friendship.

The next morning, Olivia woke up at seven Am sharp, and after a rather quick shower jumped into her favourite black pant suit and drove to the court house where she was scheduled to testify in a rape case.

The case was pretty straight forward and with the rape caught on security tapes, the suspect's DNA plus the victim's formal identification, Alex was confident that she would get a conviction easily.

Around ten AM, after giving her testimony, Olivia drove back to the station only to find Amanda leaning backward on her chair, her nose filled up with cotton.

"Jesus Amanda, what happened?" Immediately dropping her purse on her desk Olivia then reached out to the younger Detective and seeing the blood on her shirt, covered her mouth with her right hand.

"Nothing, I just had a little disagreement with a suspect." Her vision was still burry and while she could recognise Olivia's voice, what had warned Amanda of the older Detective's presence was her perfume, very sweet, discrete, but distinguishable among a million.

"Patrol called us after they received a phone call from a concerned neighbour that had been hearing the woman living next door screaming. As it turned out her and her new boyfriend were having rather intense and loud sex." Sitting on the edge on Amanda's desk, Fin's could barely hide his anger and guilt. His partner had been wounded under his watch and he would have never forgave himself if her injuries had been more serious.

"Let me see. Did he attack you when you tried to separate them?" Shaking her head as she gently pulled the cotton off Amanda's nose, Olivia couldn't help but smiling internally. Amanda was as fearless as she was at her age and had probably insisted to cuff the suspect herself.

"Not really, we knocked but the screams were so loud that we had to bust open the door. The guy freaked out when he saw us and threw the first thing he could get his hands on at Amanda's face." Fin replied trying to get rid of the image of that 400 hundred pounds man mounting the alleged victim on the coffee table.

"Which was the remote, but I'm fine. I just need a few more minutes and I'll be up and running." Feeling Olivia's dexterous fingers gently pinching her nose, Amanda had to use every bit of self control she had in her not kiss them. While that physical proximity allowed her to discreetly take a peek at the brunette's massive breasts and inhale her perfume, it was also terribly unsettling and frustrating. Under other circumstances, Amanda would have taken Olivia on her desk, right here, right now, but unfortunately she knew that this thought would have to remain a fantasy, at least for now.

"No, you're not. I tried to make her keep her head between her knees to stop the bleeding but she almost lost her balance. The Captain asked me to drive her home before he went to his meeting with the Commissioner, I was just waiting for the bleeding to stop."

"Are you feeling dizzy? I'm calling Warner, she'll examine you." Olivia replied as she reached for her phone in her left pocket.

"No, the paramedics examined me already. I feel dizzy because of the blood loss but I don't have a concussion. Please Liv." Almost begging, Amanda reached out for Olivia's knee and squeezed it gently. The only way she would ever let the ME touch her would be if she was lying on her table, dead.

"Okay, but I'm taking you home. Come on." Shoving her phone back in her pocket, Olivia gently helped Amanda to stand up hoping she wouldn't collapse in her arms.

"I guess, I can't argue with the Captain's orders, right?" Using her right hand as leverage on her desk to help herself up, Amanda was suddenly overwhelmed by a strong desire to regurgitate and clenching her jaws as hard as she could, she leaned against Olivia who had snaked her left arm around her. Once again, the physical proximity was almost too much to bare.

"No, you better not. Now come on. Fin, just tell the Captain I'll be back in a couple of hours, just the time to settle her home and make sure she's okay." Strongly holding Amanda, Olivia slowly helped the younger Detective towards the elevator and then to her car, grateful that her apartment wasn't too far.

"I sure will, don't worry, I'll protect the city in your absence." Fin replied as he walked towards his desk, cursing Amanda for leaving him with filling the indecent report. Leave it to women to exaggerate a rather insignificant injury to avoid filling up paperwork.

Fifteen minutes later the two women arrived at the blonde's apartment, Amanda still leaning against Olivia for support.

"Let's get you to bed before you pass out." Truth be told, Amanda did not seem that well, she had barely mumbled a couple of words in the car, could barely stay up without her support and her vision still seemed to be blurry. While she completely trusted the paramedics that had checked her out, Olivia was determined to stay as long as it would take to make sure the blonde was safe, thinking she owed her that much.

"Not that fast Detective, you'd need to at least buy me dinner first." Amanda giggled, hoping Olivia would blame the blood loss for and not take her seriously.

"I see you haven't lost your sense of humour, you might not need me to stay after all. Here lay down." Gently laying Amanda on her bed, Olivia took a second to roam her eyes around her.

The blonde's bedroom was decorated slightly differently than the rest of the apartment, in a much personal, warmer fashion.

There was a small desk just below the window with various framed pictures of her family and sports trophies were neatly settled on two separate shelves on the wall opposing the bed. She knew Amanda had earned a scholarship to study forensic science but had no idea in which discipline, now she knew, the blonde was a runner.

After settling Amanda on her bed, Olivia gently took her shoes off and pulled up the white blanket that was laying at the end of the bed.

"Yes, I should be fine, don't worry about it. Thank you for taking care of me, I'll find a way to show you my gratitude once my head stops spinning." Flipping on her left side, Amanda finally allowed herself to close her eyes, already thinking about the best and most importantly appropriate way to thank Olivia.

Unwilling to leave Amanda by herself until she was 100% confident that she was safe, Olivia sat on the edge of the bed and watched her fall asleep.

"I'm sure you will." Cupping Amanda's face with her right hand, Olivia gently caressed her cheek with her thumb and sighed. Despite her nose being of the size of a potato and the presence of a growing black eye, the blond fell asleep in a blink of a eye.

Regardless of her temporary disfigured appearance, Olivia surprised herself thinking that Amanda might have been the most gorgeous woman she had ever met. How could she shift from almost ignoring her to marvelling at her beauty in the span of a few days?

Olivia did not have the answer to that question and frankly wasn't looking for one. Amanda was such a refreshing presence in her rather boring existence that she wasn't willing to over analyze how she felt, at least for the time being.

**Hey guys! I know that chapter wasn't as intense as the last one. I know it was also very short and probably poorly written but bare with me.**

**I know we all want them to go out on a date or something but I couldn't just have Amanda ask Olivia out for no reason, not if she doesn't want her to think she's asking her on a date and take the risk of freaking her out.**

**So I figured putting Amanda in Olivia's debt and having her invite her out to show her gratitude would a good idea. And because I'm such a tease, I decided to wait until the next chapter to show you how Amanda is going to thank her. **

**Thoughts?**

**Thanks again for the supports guys!**


	4. Gratitude

**Alright guys,**

**I know it's a stupid detail but I decided to make Amanda 33 years old without any particular reason and then I discovered that is was how old the actress is in real life. I also decided to Olivia younger than she is on the show by two years so the age gap would only be a decade…**

...

Chapter 4 :

Gratitude :

Amanda woke up around around two O'clock, her head still pounding, her mouth dry and the taste of blood in the back of her throat.

Slowly opening her eyes, the blonde took a minute to gather herself and to try to remember what had happened. Fortunately the trauma she had sustained had not impaired her memory and thanks to the imprint Olivia's perfume had left on her, it only took her a couple of minutes to remember that she had been injured and that the older Detective had taken her home and put her to bed.

Remembering she had promised Olivia that she'd find her way to properly thank her for taking care of her, Amanda grabbed her phone on her night stand and immediately opened her SMS application.

Coming to think about it, the blonde realized that this might be the perfect opportunity to take Olivia out, get to know her better and continue to test the water without surrounding the event with any romantic connotation that might frighten the older Detective. Should she had tried, she would have not been able to come up with a better plan.

_2.05 pm : Hey there. Thank you for bringing me home and tucking me in. I feel much better now._

Hitting the send button, Amanda started to giggle like a teenager, it had been years since she had feel that excited about seducing someone and the fact that Olivia was apparently straight did not come to her as an obstacle she would have to overcome. If the trophies on her walls told anything about her it was that she was very competitive and that she never gave up. Coming to think of it, Amanda realized that helping Olivia coming out off her shell and make her see that her life wasn't over, that she deserved to be happy would be the real challenge, not convincing her to swap teams.

Back at the station, Olivia was now working with Fin, helping him file up the arrest report on Amanda's agressor. Coincidence or not, while Amanda was being checked by the paramedics, Fin, as he was questioning the alleged victim stumbled on an important quantity of cocaine and had spent the past two hours trying to make the couple give up their dealer.

_2.10 pm : You're welcome, I know it wasn't life threatening but sometimes the shock and adrenaline rush do more damage than the injury itself._

_2.16 pm: I know, I promise, I'm not usually such a p****y, but a blow to the head is always quite unsettling. Anyway, as promised I have found the perfect way to thank you. Meet me in front my building at 8pm sharp._

"If I give her the chance to, she's gonna find a way to bail out on me." Amanda said to herself as she hit the send button hoping Olivia wouldn't be offended by her straightforwardness.

_2.20 pm : Yes, boss._

Smiling as she shoved her phone back in her pocket, Oliva was relieved that Amanda felt well enough to invite her and while she suspected the younger blonde might consider this as a date, decided against working herself up about it.

Aware that she would not be welcome at the station, Amanda spent the afternoon doing her best to occupy herself. She did two loads of laundry, cleaned her entire apartment, floors included and spent an hour and half on the phone with her sister planning their mother's imminent birthday party.

Around seven O'clock, Amanda finally jumped in the shower and after drying her hair walked to her bedroom, a white towel around her. Biting her lower lip as she stood in front of her wardrobe and after much consideration, she decided to wear a casual pair of diesel jean, along with a white shirt and her favorite brown leather jacket, nothing sexy or provocative that would suggest she was considering this as a date.

A few minutes before 8 pm after checking herself in the mirror once last time and taking a minute to apply gloss on her lips , Amanda closed the door behind her and after running down the stairs two steps at the time, settled down in front of her building.

At 8 pm sharp Olivia finally arrived by foot, and greeted the blonde with that smile she had missed so much over the past few hours and that the ability to make her heart melt instantly.

"I see you're still alive." Amanda was indeed alive and breathing but the black eye that had just started to appear when she put her to bed was now all she could focus on, but it didn't make her less beautiful.

"Yeah, appart from that black eye, I'm in one piece. I was tempted to cover it with make up but my sister recommended against it stating that my skin needed to breath to heal properly." Feeling Olivia's eyes on her, Amanda came to realize that she should have gone against her sister's advice and tried her best to hide it behind her hair.

"Hey, look at me, your sister is right, you should let your skin breath but don't worry about it, you're still beautiful." Biting her lip as she felt Amanda's discomfort, Olivia took a step towards her and instinctively cupped her face with her right hand, rubbing her cheek with her thumb.

For the next couple of minutes, Amanda and Oliva stood there in front of the blonde's building looking in each other's eyes like there was no tomorrow.

"Right, anyway, we should go, I'm doubt the queue is gonna be a problem but I like to be early." Shaking her head to disconnect herself from Olivia's intense eyes, Amanda shoved her hands in her pockets and started to walk, followed by the brunette.

"Queue?"

"Yes, I'm taking you to the theatre down the block to see one of the greatest movie ever made, ET." Amanda wasn't sure that this particular movie would be of Olivia's taste but she wanted her to know more about her, about her tastes in movies, music or travelling and couldn't bring herself to take her see a much intellectual movie just to try to impress her. She wanted to be herself, nothing more, nothing less.

"ET?" Olivia was walking next to the blonde, her hands were shoved deep in her pockets and as the blonde shared her plans for the night with her, she couldn't help but smiling. Never in the past year she would have suspected that Amanda had a soft sport for that kind of movie and always had pictured her liking action movies or thrillers.

"Yes, I'm a big fan of Steven Spielberg. I have seen all his movies but never got the chance to see this one in a theatre. They're doing a retrospective of his entire cinematography this month so I figured I'd cease the opportunity to see it on the big screen, you know since I was only two when it was released."

"Sometimes I forget how young you are." As refreshing and entertaining as Amanda youth and energy were, the age difference was different between them came as a serious concern for Olivia. How could they ever get along when ten years separated them, when they had grown up in two different generations ? But maybe that was exactly what she needed, someone who had a difference life experience, who perceived the world differently, someone who could still see the good in people, who was not scarred by life and twenty years on the job.

"Well, according to my mother, being 33 and still single is a huge disappointment, she makes it sound like I'm gonna menopause soon and won't be able to give her any children if I don't hurry and settle down." Amanda explained, shrugging her shoulder in disbelief. As tolerant as she was regarding her sexuality, for a woman of her mother's generation, being married and having children were crucial and she could not consider her daughters completely settled in life until they had fulfilled that.

"Or maybe she feels she's not getting any younger herself and is afraid of not being around when you decide to settle down." At least Amanda's mother cared about her and wanted her settled down and cared for, while her own mother had resented her very existence all her life. Yes, their lives and the way they had been raised could not be more opposed.

"She's only sixty but I can understand that. You know she met my dad in high school and they married when they turned eighteen and never spent more than two or three days apart up until he died."

"I'm so sorry to hear that, may I ask what happened?"

"He was a fire fighter and died on the job when I was fifteen. I'm not sure my mom and sister will ever forgive me for becoming a cop after losing him under such tragic circumstances." And yet she felt compeled to follow her dad's footsteps, to help, rescue people, the same way he had for over twenty years, hoping she would not die on the job and cause her mother any more pain.

"I'm not a mother but I can understand why she wouldn't want you to risk your life as well."

"I do too but my dad raised us in a way that made it hard for me not to look up to him as an example and not to want to do my bid to protect the people, the way he did. Actually I wanted to be a cop way before he died." Every cop had a story, a reason that had lead them to chose one of the toughest and riskiest job in the world but for Amanda it was not only about honouring her father's sacrifice, it was just who she was raised to be.

"Well I'm sure he would be very proud of you and your sister." Ever since investigating the rape of a patient in the psychiatric wing of LaGuerda Hospital a few months after Amanda joined the team, Liv suspected that her sister might be suffering from some kind of mental illness but decided not to pry for more information. Amanda was straight forward enough to talk about it when she'd feel ready.

"I hope so. You know my mother she, she was a pediatric nurse and she loved her job but when my dad died she decided to quit and to use the insurance money to open her own business, one she could run form home. She knew it was a risky bet but according to her it was worth it if it allowed her to spend more time with us. Now her business is thriving and she's probably gonna retire in a couple of years."

"Now I know where you got both your desire to help people as well as your ambition and determination." Nodding as they finally arrived at the theater, Olivia as forced to admit that there was much more to Amanda than her confidence, even cocky attitude and she could not wait to continue scrapping under the surface.

"Well here we are. I have already bought the tickets online, so all I need to do is collect them."Amanda replied as she opened the glass door, allowing Olivia inside.

"Then I will be paying for the snacks." Smiling as she crossed the door, Olivia could not remember the last time any guy had been so thoughtful with her.

"Alright but I'm warning you, I have sweet tooth." And a sweet tooth she had indeed. Right after collecting the tickets, Amanda spent fifteen minutes picking up all sorts of treats while Olivia settled for a diet coke and medium portion of pop corn.

"Judging by the trophies on your walls, I suppose you will run those calories off tomorrow..." Amazed by the amount of sugar Amanda was planning on ingurgitating tonight, Olivia couldn't help but wandering her eyes on the blonde's body. She had yet to find out if it was in her genes or if she worked out every day but she was fit, fitter than she was ever herself, including during her younger years.

"Yes, I do run every morning before work and I also go to the gym at least twice a week and I do sit ups every night before going to sleep but I also have good genes. I do burn calories faster and more easily than most people. Should we sit in the middle?" Her mouth already filled up with pop corn, Amanda could not help but roaming her eyes on Olivia's body as well. Olivia might not be a size eight but she still had a wonderful body, and she could not wait to wander her hands on those curves.

For the next two hours, the women sat and watched the movie in silence and while this could barely be considered as a first date the tension between them was palpable, at least on Olivia's part. Amanda on the other hand was perfectly confortable and was too absorbed by the movie to notice that Olivia had kept her hands on her lap during the entire movie.

"So, did you like it?" Amanda asked as the two woman were walking back to her apartment a couple of hours later.

"Yes, I did. I had never seen it before but I must say that all the fuss made around it was well deserved. It is a magical movie." This time Oliva made sure to walk as far as she possibly could without rising suspicion. What had happened in that theater for Olivia to feel that uncomfortable? Had she caught Amanda's glance wandering on her body? Had she felt the sexual tension running between them during the entire movie?

"Well you can never go wrong with a Spielberg movie. Not that I'm still hungry but you only had pop corn, wanna come up and have some dinner? We could order some Chinese." Holding her belly, Amanda was forced to admit that she might have had too much candy and was still holding half of it in her hands and while she had not planned on inviting Olivia in, she truly did not want her to go home on an empty stomach.

"Thanks but I'm fine. I have some errands to run before work tomorrow so I need to get up early."

The rest of the walk was silent, uncomfortable even and while Amanda could sense the tension and wanted to say something she decided not to make things worse by confronting Olivia.

"Here we are. Well I guess I will see you tomorrow. Thank you Amanda, I really had a great time." Looking up at Amanda's building, Olivia smiled and slowly walked away without looking back. She wanted to accept Amanda's invitation, she really did but she decided not to. The way she had felt during the movie was not what she had envisioned when she accepted Amanda's invitation and she did not want to make things worse by having dinner and spending more time with her.

"Good night Liv." Watching the brunette walking away, Amanda could not help but sighing. Despite her best efforts to make this evening as casual as possible, it was obvious that Olivia had felt a romantic, even sexual vibe coming from her and that it was making her feel uncomfortable and she could not help but thinking that this might have destroyed all the progressed they had accomplished.

**Last chapter was a disaster, I knew it the lack of reviews confirmed my feeling. I hope this chapter made up for it.**

**So what do you think happened in Olivia's mind? Did she catch Amanda's gaze on her? Was it the sexual tension that was too much to bare? How do you think Olivia is going to behave the next day?**

**Brace yourself for the next chapter because drama might be coming.**

**Feedback, positive or negative is always highly appreciated :).**


	5. Distance

Chapter 5 :

Distance :

The following week passed as fast as the blink of an eye. The morning following Amanda and Olivia's "date" the entire team got called a brutal murder/rape case.

The victim was an African-American woman in her mid thirties whose body had been found on a playground. A quick examination of the scene allowed the Detectives to deduce that she had not been killed there but had walked to the playground, in the snow, barefoot.

While Amaro and Olivia were trying to find the primary crime scene by following the blood trail, Fin and Amanda had the difficult task of notifying the victim's sister who she was sharing an apartment with her on the upper east side. During the interview, the two Detectives learned that the victim was an interior designer who had moved from Miami to start her own business just two months prior to her murder. Due to her very recent arrival in the city and the 70 hours a week she was pulling, the victim, appart from a few investors and possible future employees, had had very little if no time to make any new acquaintances.

Far from being discouraged by the lack of information provided by the victim's sister, Fin and Amanda went back to the precinct around noon with the victim's laptop hoping to find a suspect among her new business acquaintances.

Around three PM that afternoon, as they were still checking every single person whose name was on the victim's laptop's adress book and running thorough background check on every single one of them, the two Detective were called down to the morgue by Dr Warner, who had the primary results of the autopsy she had just conducted.

She informed them that the victim on top of being repeatedly raped over the course of several hours, had been punched in the face with a heavy object before being stabbed twice in the stomach. Examining the stab wound, Dr Warner was able to determined that it had not been inflected to kill her and that it hit any major blood vessel, arteries or organs and that she would have survived if she had received proper medical attention before bleeding out, which according to her best estimate had taken over an hour.

Dr Warner had also found sperm in the inner thigh region and had sent it to the last hoping they could find viable DNA and that her rapist was indeed in the system.

After talking to Dr Warner, Fin and Amanda went back up to the precinct, only Amaro and Olivia briefing Cragen on their findings.

After spending over an hour following the blood trail with the canine unit, the two Detective had found what seemed to be primary crime scene. The blood trail had lead them to an abandoned warehouse and what they found once they busted the door open terrified them.

There was blood everywhere, on the floor, walls, on the mattress that was laid on the floor, and there was various torture instruments laid on a table next to it. Comparing the number of instruments present with the relatively low number of wounds the victime had sustained, Amaro and Olivia were able to deduced that she had somehow escaped, before the perp could do everything he had planned on doing to her, forcing him to leave without taking the time to gather his belongings.

Unfortunately, CSU were unable to find any finger print on any of the metallic objects the perp had planned on using on the victim but found that the blood on the mattress belonged to at five different women.

What the team uncovered over the next few days went far beyond anything they could have imagined. The lab rapidly confirmed CSU's first findings and that the blood belonged to five different women whose bodies had been found all over New-York state, including NYC at regular intervals over the past year. Unfortunately because the victims were from different ethnicities, social backgrounds, sizes and weights and more especially because they had all being killed in different ways and had sustained very different type of injuries, the police never connected the cases. The perp was obviously experimenting on them and was so confident that he would never get caught that he had left his DNA all over every single one of his victims. What made the Detectives hopeful though was that because his last victim had escaped, forcing him to leave his nest, the perp would probably be extremely destabilised and they were hoping that not only it would take him time to find another nest but that his anger and frustration would lead him to make a fatal mistake, which he eventually did.

Until then the entire team spent the next week re-opening every single investigation, talking to the victim's families, their friends, co-workers. In a word they were starting from scratch.

Overwhelmed by the amount of murders and the efforts the perp had put in to make sure that nobody could connect them, the team was forced to pull double shifts, working 12 to 15 hours a day, only going home to shower and catch a few hours of sleep.

So between the long hours and Cragen's insistance to pair her up with Amaro, Amanda and Liv barely exchanged a few words during the entire week, which came as a blessing for the older Detective.

As cruel as it sounded, Liv was not ready or even willing to face Amanda after their "date", not because Amanda had not been good company but precisely because she had.

What had started as a genuine desire to cease the opportunity to have a female friend, had turned into something Olivia could barely put into words or even face, something more intense, overwhelming and scary than anything she had encountered before and the last thing she needed was for Amanda to be overly friendly, making it hard for her not to feel butterflies in her stomach every time she looked at her, creating the most uncomfortable sexual tension between them.

Unfortunately, Amanda was everything but naive and could feel that Olivia was keeping her distance and knew exactly why. She, like Olivia, had felt the sexual tension between them and Olivia's gaze on her and knew the brunette had felt hers on herself as well. Actually if anything, Olivia's distant behaviour had started to convince Amanda that the brunette might not be immuned to her charms after all.

Truth be told, when it came to the matter of the heart, Amanda was usually very straight forward, impatient even but when it came to Olivia, she simply could not bring herself to be direct or to even confront her about her attitude.

It had already taken the brunette over a year to warm up to her presence and to acknowledge her and if their recent few conversations had taught her anything it was just how scared Olivia was to truly trust someone, open up and to eventually commit to that person. So ultimately, despited being determined not stay passive and watch Liv push her indefinitely, she owed it to her to at least give her some time to acknowledge, face and come to terms with her feelings.

After an entire week in hell, the team had not make any progress and had not come up with any suspect but their bad luck turned for the best when the perp decided to kidnap another victim the following monday.

The team's hope that he would let his arrogance and eagerness to replace the victim that had escaped would lead him to commit a mistake became reality when he tried to kidnapped a marine, trained to close combat, who broke his nose and left clavicule has he tried to take her while she was leaving a night club downtown.

After neutralising the perp, the woman called 911 and he perp was arrest, finger printed and his blood on the woman's shirt sent to the lab, which immediately triggering an alert in SVU's system.

After interrogating him for a couple of hours, Amaro and Olivia managed to have a very detailed confession and were able to officially put him behind bars for those six murders before dinner time.

That night the team went home, relieved and despite being forced to admit that they owed the capture of the murderer to luck and a trained marine, satisfied and proud of the work they had accomplished, as a team.

Unfortunately for Amanda, Liv went home that night without looking at her or saying good bye and considering that neither of them had had a descent of sleep since they had caught this case Amanda decided to let it go and not confront her.

The following day, as she reluctantly dragged into the precinct after a ten hours night of sleep, Olivia had a feeling that Amanda would not let another week pass without confronting her but was surprised to find that the blonde was not at her desk.

"Where's Amanda?" Taking her jacket off, tossing it on the back of her chair, Olivia took a minute to roam her eyes on Amanda's desk hoping to see her cell phone or her jacket on her chair.

"She's in Atlanta for a few days for her mother's birthday, didn't she tell you?" Fin who was setting at his desk, looked at rested as Olivia and despite not saying anything was perfectly aware that something had gone wrong between the two females Detectives.

"She did, I just forgot. Gee, can you see us finishing the paper work on this case before Christmas?" Settling at her desk, forcing a smile, Olivia could not believe that Amanda was gone but after behaving like a jerk ever since their night out, could understand that the blonde had not shared her vacation plans with her.

"No, I don't but at least we got the bastard." Fin, despite being discrete and lay back had observed Amanda and Olivia's interactions and after seeing the brunette barely acknowledging the blonde, was happy to see that they had became friends, knowing how hard Eliot's departure had been on her and that s was finally able to make a female friends that could understand her and her job and he could not for the love of God figure out what had gone wrong.

That day Olivia tried her best to focus on her report but despite her best efforts all she could think about was how hurt Amanda must have been but despite pulling her phone off her pocket a dozen times, resisted the urge to text her.

Luckily for her, Amanda was less stubborn than she was and around two PM, the brunette felt her phone vibrating in her pocket.

_2.05 PM: I just wanted to tell you that I will be in Atlanta for my mother's birthday __until next saturday_, so you can relax and stop stressing out about finding new ways to avoid me.

Amanda's words were harsh but Olivia couldn't blame her, she had caused her pain and could not expect her to forgive her attitude the way she had for the past year, not after they had finally became friends.

_2.10 PM : Oh Amanda, I'm so sorry if I hurt your feelings...I just...I just have a lot on my plate at the moment and as you know I have a tendency to push people way, especially people who could actually help me._

Olivia's apologies, instead of calming Amanda down, triggered even more anger because she knew that Olivia knew that she knew exactly what was going on and that she was still not sharing. Olivia was playing hide and seek, insulting her intelligence in the process and she did not like it.

_2.20 PM : Look, I'm a big girl and a Detective, I can take a hint. I naively thought that you were finally starting to get over Eliot and that you were ready for another friendship and to let me in but I guess I was wrong._

With those words Amanda was giving Olivia one last chance to stop playing games.

_2.25 PM : No, you weren't wrong Amanda, it's just that ...it's just that I have never felt that kind of connection with anyone apart from Eliot and it scares me, because it didn't end well and because I'm not sure I can start over with any one else. I don't know if I'm capable of that. Please just give me time to figure things out._

With that last text, Amanda was finally seeing how conflicted Olivia was, that she was not just being a jerk and decided to give her the understanding she needed while remaining very clear that she would not put up with her attitude for ever.

_2.40 : I will back on monday, put that time to good use, because I don't think I can handle seeing you ignore me and push me away, not after all we've shared recently._

_2.45 : You won't have to._

Six days, Olivia would have six days to put herself together, and do that introspection she should have done years ago, because there was no way she'd lose Amanda, not after losing Eliot, she knew she wouldn't survive it. Would that introspection bring Olivia the peace of mind she needed to embrace the sexual tension and the feelings she had developed for Amanda? Would it help her figure out a way to canalize that tension so the two could be friends? No, this time Olivia knew there was no escaping her feelings, she knew that Amanda knew exactly how she felt about her and that because she probably felt the same way, that she would not let her push her away, that she would fight for her, for them and it terrified her, because in all honesty she didn't think she was worth fighting for, not anymore.

**_Hey guys! I hope you enjoyed this chapter. _**

**_At first I did not want to go too deep into the investigation but I realized that the best fictions are the one that manage to incorporate interesting crime plots, so I figure I'd give it a try._**

**_Anyway, I'm gonna introduce Amanda's mom and sister in the next few chapter and I think you're gonna love them. Hopefully Amanda will be able to confide in them and Liv will use this "time appart" to reflect on her feelings and attitude and who knows, they might end up chatting via text or emails..._**

**_Thanks for the support!_**


	6. Atlanta

**Chapter 6 :**

**Atlanta : **

Eight hundreds miles away from New-York, Amanda was finally settling in her bedroom, in the very same house she had grew up in. Appart from the few items she had taken with her in New-York, everything was exactly the way it was when she left for college 15 years ago. The walls were still covered by the same wall blue wallpaper and the posters of Amanda's favorite athletes were still in place.

When Amanda left for college, her sister was only fourteen but was already causing troubles, at first both her mother and Amanda thought she was acting up as a way of coping for their father's death but the two woman rapidly discovered that she was indeed bipolar and that she would need constant care.

Against her will, Amanda's mother insisted that she took an apartment on campus with one of her friends, convinced this was the best way for her to gain independence and slowly start focusing on her own needs and desires. It wasn't easy at first, not that Amanda was home sick, because the campus was only a thirty minutes train ride away, but she could not help but being worried about her sister, and feel guilty about leaving her mother with the responsibility of taking care of her.

After a year of calling her mother every night to check up on her and driving back home every single time her sister was causing problems, Amanda finally wrapped her head around the idea that her mother had the situation under control and that she needed to focus on school.

" I put your favorite duvet cover on." Standing a few steps behind, by the door was Amanda's mother, Dorothy. It had been a year since her daughter had left Atlanta and it was only the second time she visited her. When Amanda was in college, she did her best to convince her that she was handling things perfectly on her own but Amanda would still insist to visit at least every two weeks but now, she knew that she should consider herself lucky if she saw her for Christmas and her birthday. Obviously Dorothy was extremely proud of Amanda's professional achievements and that she managed to get transfered to such a prestigious team in the big city. But most importantly, she was relieved to see Amanda finally letting go of her sister and take to first step towards building her own life, away from her troubled sibling. Unfortunately, the pride and satisfaction of seeing her daughter spreading her wings could not take away the pain of living that far away from her.

"I can see that, thank you mom. Did you make my favorite dinner too?" Turning around as she dropped her travel bag on her bed, Amanda gave her mom a quick pout. Despite the pain and nostalgia of seeing her father's pictures on the wall and feeling his presence in that house he had built with his own hands, she was happy to be home.

"You know I did, come on have a seat. Since your sister won't be home for another hour, you can tell me everything about that girl you left behind in New-York." Amanda's sister, Adele, was now working with their mother in the family business. After spending her entire teenage years and the beginning of her adult life struggling with her disease, she now had it under control and was living a normal and productive life, which had allowed Amanda to leave Atlanta, confident that she was safe and on the right track to stay that way.

"Come on, Ma, I have been home for less than an hour and you're already prying in my private life." Amanda replied, letting a small growl out, as she fell back on her bed.

"I know, I know but I can't help it. I see my baby with a sad face and my heart breaks in a million pieces. And if I can see that something is wrong, your sister will too and you know she's even more curious than I am." After her father died, Amanda took it upon herself to take care of the family, and when her sister started to show the first symptoms of the disease, she did everything she could to help her, to protect her, even if it sometimes meant being the bad guy. Because Amanda was always so strict and directive with her, the young woman had spent the most of the decade that followed their father's death resenting her and it wasn't until five years ago when Adele finally decided to get her life back together that the two developed a strong bound.

"Yeah, I know. I sometimes feel nostalgic of the time she hated me." Regardless of what her sister seemed to believe at the time, Amanda never found any satisfaction in discipling her or getting her out of trouble and she was happy that the two of them could share a normal relationship.

"Well, she doesn't hate you anymore and she worries about you. She might not be a Detective but she can see when her big sister is hurt. Is it that Detective Benson? Is she still ignoring you?" Amanda, her mother and sister skyped at least once a week and while she tried to put her poker face on because she did not want them to worry, she sometimes felt compelled to confine in them.

"Actually, yes, this is about Olivia and no she is not ignoring anymore, or at least she stopped for a while." Lying on her bed, her mother next to her, Amanda literally poured her heart to the older woman. She told her about everything that had happened over the past two weeks, about Olivia's sudden interest in her, about their conversation and their night out and that feeling she had that the brunette was starting to develop romantic feelings for her .

"Well, do you think that she feels so conflicted and pushes you away because she usually dates men?" Ever since Amanda came out when she was sixteen, Dorothy has been nothing but tolerant and understanding and like any mother would, had taken a particular interest in her daughter's love life, and from the way she was talking about Olivia, one thing was sure, she was in love with her.

"I don't know if she only dates men... I know she was dating an ADA last year and she told me about her first love but we are not close enough for her to tell me if she ever dated woman but I doubt it. But regardless, I don't think she's pushing me away because I'm a woman. I think she's just terrified of being close to anyone, to let her guard down and to trust that person. I just have that feeling that there's a part of her that's so damaged that a certain darkness settled in and that it has been consuming her and that to protect the people close to her from it, she keeps it to herself." The more she thought about the conversation they had shared when Olivia came to her apartment that night, and the more she visualized her body language, the more convinced she became that Olivia was hiding a dark secret, darker than anything she could imagine and that it was killing her slowly.

"Do you think something bad happened to her?"

"Well, I know she was assaulted while working under cover a few years ago but I think that what ever is troubling her is much older and deeper than that and I think that she's convinced that there is no way back from that dark place she's been living in for years and that she probably gave up a long time ago." Saying those words, Amanda had trouble holding her tears. She hated this, she hated that Olivia was drowning and that she would not let her help her getting back to the surface, but she wasn't about to give up on her.

"Then it's up to you to show her that what ever happened to her can't define who she is for the rest of her life and most importantly you have to convince her that no matter how dark her secret is, knowing about it won't scare you off, that you can handle it."

"I know and I think as weird and fucked up as it sounds, I think she might be scared because she knows that I can handle it."Olivia was definitely a woman that was hard to get to know and understand and her mother's wisdom came as a blessing for the blonde, who never truly cared about any of her previous girlfriend to get involved to that extend.

"Of course, because if you can handle it, then there is reason for her to continue running and since she has been running for so long, it became a second nature for her and she doesn't know how to slow down and allow herself to let go. But I trust you Amanda, she seems to mean a lot to you and we both know what you're capable of for people you care about." And that was what scared her. As delighted as she was to see her in love again, she knew her too well to know that she often gave herself to the people she loved to a point where there was no place left for her own needs and coming to understand just how troubled Olivia seemed to be, she knew that the only way for her not to drown in the brunette's darkness was to help her out of it.

"Yeah, let's hope you're right because to be perfectly honest with you, I think I'm in it really deep. I haven't felt this for any woman since Lisa..." Lisa was Amanda's first and only serious relationship. They had met when they were in college and dated for about three years and when they broke up, the blonde thought she would never felt this way for any other woman, that she would never met anyone else she could see herself being marrying to or having children with. Now that she had met Olivia and especially since she was finally starting to get to know her better, she was finally starting to allow herself to dream about a future with woman other than Lisa.

"Well, in that case, you, your sister and I need to come up with a plan to make sure your Detective doesn't resist you longer than necessary." As a mother she wanted the best for her daughter. She wanted her to fall in love, get married and have children and while she was scared of seeing get hurt by a woman she did not even know, she knew that the only option she had was to support her unconditionally and help her in that quest and be there for her in case it didn't work out.

"This is going to be a long week..." As close as she was to her mother and sister, Amanda has always been the private one, and knowing there was no stopping them from helping her, she started to regret confiding in them in the first place. But what else could she have done? She did not possess the necessary life experience or wisdom to understand Olivia on her own and she'd rather seek her mother's guidance and see her put her nose in her personal business than missing on the chance to help Olivia and eventually be with her.

**Hi guys! As promised this chapter focused on Amanda and her mom (Don't worry, you'll meet her sister soon). I hope you enjoyed Dorothy and that this chapter helped you understand where Amanda is coming from(her sister's troubles etc...).**

**I wonder what plan the girls are gonna come up with to make sure Liv doesn't resist Amanda anymore. **

**I do have a few ideas but you're welcome to give me yours... And who knows they might have the opportunity to execute the first phase of their plan in the next chapter.**

**As usual feedback is much appreciated!**


	7. Hope

**Chapter 7 :**

**Hope : **

Later that night after having dinner with her mother and sister and taking a hot shower, Amanda jumped into her favorite pair of PJ's and slid under the covers, unable to chase Olivia of her mind.

"Please don't tell me you're gonna spend the night whining about your Detective?" Without asking for her permission, Adele stepped into Amanda's bedroom and climbed in bed next to her.

"That would imply that I actually have someone to whine to and as the close door hinted, I want to be alone, please." Not that she wasn't grateful for her mother and sister's devotion and determination to help her sort things out with Olivia, but if she heard the brunette's name one more time, her head might explode.

"Do you remember when Jack and I broke up? You told me you wouldn't leave until I agreed to talk about it. You stayed on my couch for two days until I was ready. I remember telling you that I'd get back at you for stalking me like that and today is the day, so come on Amanda, now that we're alone, tell me about her." Ever she had broken up with Lisa over ten years ago, Amanda had only had casual relationships that didn't bare any romantic feelings what so ever. At the time the two sisters weren't close at all but now that they were, Adele was determined to support Amanda as best as she could.

"To be honest with you, I wouldn't know what to tell you. You know how mom always says that I'm a paradox wrapped in a mystery? Well that's how I would define Olivia. There is this very honest, straight forward part of her that allows you to find out who she is within minutes after meeting but there is also this whole side of her that I'm pretty sure she never revealed to anyone. I just don't know how to crack the armour." The truth was that Amanda was as attracted to Olivia's selflessness, bravery and to that very protective side of her that made her the terrific cop as she was intrigued to her darker side.

"Do you have to? I mean, we all have secrets, things that happened to us, good or bad that forged who we are today and you can't expect to know everything about the person you're dating, can you?"

"I know she has history, but that secret has been consuming her Adele and I know for a fact that until she lets go of it, she will never be able to commit herself to anyone fully and it just breaks my heart. So even if we don't end up together, I want to help her figure things out because she deserves to be happy, more than any one I have ever met." Shrugging her shoulders as she let a long deep sigh slip through her lips, Amanda came to realize that helping Olivia sorting her life out wouldn't necessarily guarantee that they would be together in the end, but it did not matter, she wanted the brunette happy, with her or someone else.

"Wow, you really got her under your skin..." The last time Adele heard her sister talk about a woman that way was when she was with Lisa, over ten years ago. Amanda was really in love with Olivia and as happy as she was for her older sister, Adele couldn't help but worrying that she might lose herself completely trying to help the brunette.

"I guess I do." Amanda sighed, forced to admit that getting through to the brunette might just be the hardest thing she'd ever have to do in her life.

"Well, mom and I discussed it and we both agreed that you should let her come to you, you know play hard to get a little." Truth was, Amanda never needed to put in much efforts to seduce the women she was attracted to. Not only she was extremely attractive but she was mysterious enough to make her almost irresistible to the ladies but this was different. Olivia was not a one night stand, and Adele knew her sister was in this for the long run.

"Are you crazy? Olivia is obviously conflicted about her feelings and if I put distance between us, she's gonna think that I don't share those feelings and I will lose her for ever and I'm not gonna let that happen. She needs to know I'm here for her." The hardest thing for Amanda was finding the perfect balance between respecting Olivia's privacy and showing her that she's here for her without imposing it on her.

"Yes she does. But all I'm saying is that you can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped. I understand that it breaks your heart to see her miserable but if she wants to get better, she needs to do it on her own terms, her own pace. It has to come from her Amanda, you can not do it for her. From what you've told me she's been in that dark place for a very long time and she had been resistant to confide in anyone about it until now, so trust me, if you push her you might lose her for ever. So just stay put, let her know that you're here for her when ever she's ready, she'll appreciate it."

"I guess you're right..." As painful as it was to imagine Olivia struggling without reaching out to her, Amanda forced to admit that her younger sister was right, she could not save her, Olivia needed to save herself.

Eight hundreds mile away Olivia was also in bed, with a glass of wine and a book she had been trying to finish for months.

Earlier that day, after miraculously finishing her report on their last case, Olivia had requested to have the afternoon off, request Cragen was more than happy to grant her.

When Olivia finally arrived home an hour later after doing some grocery shopping, she quickly jumped into an old pair of baggy pants and her favorite t-shirt and immediately slid in bed, eager to make up for the sleepless week she had just been through.

Unfortunately as she was lying in bed, all she could think about was Amanda, about how friendly she had been ever since they had met and how badly she had treated her in return.

Olivia Benson only had a few certainties and one of them was that Amanda didn't deserve to be treated like this, to be pushed away or ignored. She deserved a friend who could share equally, who would trust her as much as she trusted her, in one word, she deserve everything Olivia couldn't give her.

It's not that she didn't want to, it was quite the opposite, the more she tried to stay away from Amanda, the more drawn to her she felt. There was just something about the younger Detective that was so warm, welcoming, that inexplicably made her feel safe and it was extremely hard for Olivia to resist the physical urge to be with her, literally. Actually, if she was honest with herself, Olivia was attracted to Amanda, physically, sexually even and it scared her, not because Amanda was a woman, at her age she was way passed that kind of concern, but because it was real. What she felt for Amanda was more than a simple sexual attraction, it was profound and sincere, it was the real deal. It was love as people would call it but she knew that by getting closer to her the blonde would only be drawn in her darkness and she wanted to spare her that. Unfortunately, because they worked together, Olivia knew that it would be impossible to continue avoiding her, and besides the last thing she wanted was to continue hurting her. So around ten pm, Olivia grabbed her phone and started typing, hoping Amanda would accept her offer and agree to remain friends.

_Hi Amanda, I hope you flight was alright and that you're enjoying your time with your family. I spent the afternoon in bed trying to catch up on my sleep but all I could think about was the way I have been treating you since our night out and I wanted to apologize._

_I like you Amanda, I like you a lot, probably more than I should and I since you're such a fine Detective, I'm pretty sure you caught up on that already._

_I wish I could tell you that with time I will be able to offer you more than friendship, but I can't. There are many things I need to sort out before being able to be in a healthy relationship with anyone and I can not possibly ask you to wait until then._

_The thing is, I can't imagine not being around you Amanda so if it's not too much to ask, I would like a second chance and for us to be friends again._

_Also, I think I owe you to be honest, so if you want we can meet up once you're back and I will tell you what has been haunted me my entire life._

_All I can tell you by email is that it's not something that happened or was done to me , it's just who I am, who was born as._

Upon finishing that last sentence, Olivia immediately hit the send button, to keep herself from changing her mind and after staring at her phone screen for a couple of minutes, turned the light off and buried herself in her pillow, hoping Amanda would not be completely freaked out by her email.

Almost jumping out of her own skin as heard her phone vibrating on her night stand, Amanda immediately grabbed it and started to read Olivia's message, grateful that her sister was sleeping in her own bedroom.

_"Of course, I'll be your friend Liv and I will be happy to talk with you once I get back, if you're ready of course. The last thing I want is to push you to do something you're not ready for. Now, just try to sleep, you're down a Detective and I have a feeling that the week is gonna be a long one." _Reading Olivia's email, Amanda was unable to hold her tears, not only the brunette had shyly admitted her feelings but she was ready to confide in her about her big dark secret. Falling asleep that night, Amanda knew that remaining friends with Olivia would be excruciating now that she knew for a fact that the brunette shared her feelings. Luckily for her she had a strong feeling that she would not have to wait for long to finally get a taste of Detective Benson and that it would be worth every single minute of patience she knew she would have to arm herself with.

**So, Olivia finally kinda confessed having feelings for Amanda...Will Amanda be able to respect Olivia's desire to remain friends now that she knows they feel the same way about each other? Will it be awkward for Olivia to be around Amanda now that she confessed her feelings?**

**Brace yourself for the next chapter because Olivia is finally gonna confide in Amanda about what has been haunted her and it's gonna be heart breaking. If you watch the show you might have a small idea of what it is by and the last line of her email should give you a big hint.(That line has been haunted me since I started writing this story.)**

**As usual feedback is welcome!**


	8. DNA

**Chapter 8 :**

**DNA : **

A few days later Amanda was finally back in New-York. As much as she loved her mother and sister and enjoyed visiting them, New-York was now her home and the simple thought of staying away for too long was excruciating.

Staying in Atlanta for almost a week turned out to be more painful than she had expected. For obvious reasons staying in the house her father had built with his own hands had always been painful but this time was different. This time she had to meet and greet her parents' friends that had been cordially invited to celebrate her mother's 60th birthday. For an entire evening she had to politely shake hands and patiently listen to her father's friends telling her story about him and while it brought her comfort to know that people have not forgotten him and that his fellow fire fighters still considered him as an exemple, the memory of her beloved father was almost more than she could bare.

Fortunately her stay in Atlanta was never meant to last more than a week and as she finally arrived in Manhattan, Amanda could feel her heart filling up with joy and relief to be home.

Despite her apparent happiness, Amanda was also extremely anxious, anxious to see Olivia again because she did not know how the brunette would behave with her, if she was already having second thoughts about confessing her feelings for her or if she would stay true to her confession and take things further by revealing her dark secret like she had promised.

Little she knew Amanda would not have to wait long to figure it out.

"My God, Liv, what are you doing here?" Swallowing hard as she stepped out of the cab, Amanda could feel her heart bumping out of her chest as she saw the Detective sitting on the steps of her building.

"I was wondering if we could talk." Olivia and Amanda had not being in communication since the brunette had sent that email to the blonde and she had spent the past five days preparing herself, rehearsing every single word. Unfortunately, as soon as Amanda took that first step towards her, with that radiant smile on her face, Olivia suddenly forgot everything she had prepared, her mouth was dry, she could barely breath and her head was spinning. Was she strong enough to do this?

"Sure, come in, you must be freezing, how long have you been here?" Smiling as she invited Olivia inside, Amanda could not help but seeing the anxiety on the brunette's face. She could only imagine the courage it had taken for Olivia to come here and she owed it to her to do everything in her power to make her comfortable, if that was even possible.

"About fifteen minutes. I knew the time your plane landed and I had a small idea of how long it would take you to drive back from JFK at that time of day." Yes, Olivia had used the department's ressources to find out on what plane Amanda was because she didn't have it in her to sit in her appartement and wait for the blonde to call her to arrange a meeting and was convinced that the more she waited, the more likely she would be to change her mind and take ten steps back.

"Oh, I see you've put the department ressources to good use." Stepping inside her appartement, followed by the older Detective, Amanda could not help but admiring Olivia's determination and desire to come clean and confide in her and she had a feeling that their relationship was about to take a drastic turn and she could only hope it would be for the best.

For the next half hour or so the two women sat on Amanda's couch, with a cup of tea and home made cookies trying to make small talk but despite the blonde's best efforts to make Olivia feel more at ease, she could feel the brunette's anxiety grow by the minute.

"Would you please relax? I told you, you don't have to do anything you're not ready for. I can wait." As she slowly slid closer to the older Detective, Amanda gently reached out for her hand and started to rub it with her thumb. As much as she wanted Olivia to confide in her, the last thing she wanted was for that moment to be forced because Olivia thought she owed it to her.

"I know but I want to, I need to tell you, just give me a minute." Sitting a few inches from her, Oliva, could not bring herself to look in Amanda's eyes but somehow the blonde's gentle touch had slowly slowed her heart beats down.

"Take all the time you need." As much as she loved the tough, fearless Olivia she had been working with for the past year, what Amanda was truly keen on uncovering was that vulnerability the brunette had been hiding behind that armoir, and for the first time she was finally catching a glimpse of it.

"Well, where do I start? As you know I always had a very complex and troubled relationship with my mother and the main reason for that was because she was a drunk." Shame, embarrassment were the first feelings that were slowly building up inside Olivia's heart.

"Oh, Liv, I'm so sorry." Amanda replied, biting the inside of her cheek.

"It's okay, she had a good reason for drinking. When she was in college my mother was raped and got pregnant with me. I remember spending the first twelve years of my life wondering why she would never kiss me or hug me and one day that she got really wasted she finally told me and suddenly everything made sense. She couldn't bring herself to abort me but I guess looking at me every single day reminded her of what that monster had done to her." Olivia had told her story many times but this time it was different because she knew telling her where she came from was only the first step towards revealing that side of her she had never told anyone about.

"Oh Jesus. I... I don't know what to say." Hearing Olivia telling her about her mother brought tears to Amanda's eyes but did not scare her away, it actually had the opposite effect. Instead of taking a step back the way Olivia had expected her to, Amanda moved closer to her, so close that their knees could touch.

"It's alright. I don't mind talking about it, actually Fin, Munch, Eliot and Cragen know." Slightly shrugging her shoulders, Olivia tried to minimise her confession.

"Well the fact that people you work with know doesn't change how hard it must be to talk about it but now I understand why you're working at SVU. May I ask if the guy was ever caught?" While Olivia was still reluctant to establish eye contact, Amanda was still gently rubbing the top of the brunette's hand with her thumb, and could not keep her eyes away from the brunette's shaking lips.

"Not when my mother was alive but about 6 years ago I put my DNA in the system and found out that I had a brother, Simon whom you actually met. I also found out that my...that he was a real father to him, that he raised him the way normal dads do, from what my brother told me about him, he was miles away from imagining who he truly was." Breathing out as slowly as she could Olivia started to gently rise her head, hoping looking into Amanda's big blue eyes would bring her the comfort and confidence she so desperately needed.

"A lot of criminals lead double lives and if anything they're good actors, they know how to blend in." Amanda remember meeting Simon earlier that year but had never asked about him thinking Liv would eventually open up about him.

"Yes but that sick bastard had pictures of me and he even told his wife that he had a daughter from a previous relationship." The simple thought of that bastard stalking her and considering her as his daughter, almost as if he had consensual sex with her mother enraged Olivia to point where she could feel her fingers tightening around the handle of the cup she was holding.

"And you started to doubt your mother's version on what had happened..."

"Yes, I mean why would he tell his wife that he had another child if the sex wasn't consensual? Thankfully, my doubts did not last for long. I mean I worked with SVU long enough to know how perverted rapists were and to recognize when a victim is telling the truth." Olivia had hated herself for doubting her mother's word and had always been grateful that Dr Huang was there at the time to help her put things in perspective.

"Did finding who he was and that you had brother bring you closure?" Sitting there, seeing Olivia's entire body becoming more tensed, Amanda felt compelled to pull her into her arms, to hold her tight and tell her everything was going to be okay but she couldn't , not yet.

"In a way yes, because I could finally put a face and a name on the monster that had destroyed my mother's life but he died years ago and I never got to meet him and get justice for her but I least I know where I came from and I have a brother." Olivia and her mother had never been close but she had promised her that she would find her rapist and made him pay hoping it would bring peace to both of them and maybe help salvage their relationship but her mother had died years before she could.

"Now I understand why you never talked about him. I wondered about him after he showed up last year but didn't want to pry." He was his only family but from from the what she had observed, Amanda had a strong feeling that Simon and Olivia did not share the brother/sister relationship she knew the brunette desperately needed.

"Well it's complicated. He's not a bad person, he's just troubled but if you don't mind I would rather talk about some other time, because he's not part of the problem and of what I came to talk to you about." That was it, Olivia was seconds away from revealing her dark secret and as much as wanted to bounce out of that couch and run away, her legs were paralyzed, she could not for the love of God move an inch.

"Alright. Well, thank you for telling me about your mother. I know how hard it must be to talk about it and just so you know it doesn't change how I feel about you or the way I see you. You're still the brave, confident, caring woman I had been dying to ask out for over a year." Gently benting over to free the cup from Liv's grip so she could hold that other hand, Amanda had strong feeling that hell was about to break loose.

"Except I'm much more than that. You know how people say that there are different factors that make you who you are. First you have genes you inherit from your parents, then comes environmental factors such as your education and finally comes free will. Well half my DNA is from a violent rapist and the other half from an alcoholic and I was raised in nothing but violence and resentment so it only leaves me with my free will and...I don't think it's strong enough anymore." Letting go of both Amanda's hand, Liv quickly turned her back to the blonde and as she palmed her face with both of her hands, confusion was filling her up.

"Strong enough for what?" Compelled to reached out to the brunette again, Amanda chose to take a step back, afraid that Olivia might unleash what ever she had been holding in for so many years, not because it frightened her but because she knew Olivia needed space to breath and to let go.

"To...to fight who I truly am deep down. Don't you get it Amanda? I'm not the woman you just described, this is just a facade. Deep down I'm just like him, I can feel it, I can feel the violence and hatred building up and trying to escape. I have been fighting it for so long but I don't think I can continue much longer. I can't fight my DNA anymore." As the words slipped through her lips, Olivia suddenly stood up, feeling a violent wave of anger and frustration building up. She could not be physically close to Amanda, not when she was in that state.

"Olivia, look at me. What ever your mother did to you and what ever your DNA profile says you are nothing like them and that woman I have been working with, the one that can comfort victims or make a catatonic child open up like nobody else I had ever met is you, the real you Olivia, you have to believe that." That was it, that was the dark secret that had been haunted Olivia. Without considering her own safety, Amanda stood up as well and tried to establish eye contact with the brunette, hoping that by looking in her eyes, she would find the peace she needed.

"No, it's only part of me, and that other part of me that I have been struggling with is slowly taking over so just stay away, because I might just explode." Olivia was now pacing in Amanda's living room like an animal in a cage, nervously running her right hand through her hair. Her breathing was becoming more erratic, her head was once again pounding and she could barely contain the darkness anymore.

"Maybe it wouldn't be such a bad thing. Building up that much frustration and anger is not healthy so maybe you should just let it go." Amanda was not a masochist and knew too well that, if Olivia really had as much violence in her as she seemed to believe, she could get hurt, but at this point it did not matter. What mattered was that keeping everything inside was slowly eating Olivia alive, she needed to let everything go, it was a matter of survival.

"I can't do that! You don't know what could be capable of if I unleashed everything. I don't want to hurt anybody, and certainly not you." With that last confession, Olivia felt her legs abandoning her, making her collapse on Amanda's floor.

"You won't. I promise." Falling on her knees as well and regardless of the consequences, Amanda pulled Olivia into her arms, holding her as tight as she could.

"How do you know that?" Olivia wasn't crying or even sobbing but she was shaking and as much as she wanted to escape Amanda's embrace she couldn't. She had lost control over her entire body.

"Because I'm here now and what ever gets out once you decide to let go, you won't be alone to face it, we'll face it together." Gently drawing small circles on Olivia's back with her left hand to try to calm her down, Amanda was still not frightened, she knew she had it in her to be the person Olivia needed to finally put all those negative feelings behind her.

"How can you still want to be with me now that you know who I truly am or what I'm capable of?" Looking up into Amanda's big blue eyes, Olivia saw the sincerity, compassion almost pouring through every pore of Amanda's skin and it was all sincere and genuine. The thing she did not see though was fear. Despite finding out who she truly was, Amanda did not seem frightened.

"Because like I said, despite all the anger, frustration or even violence you seem to have buried inside you, you're still the most exceptional woman I have ever met and I'm gonna do everything in my power to help you believe it." With those words, Amanda gently kissed the brunette's forehead. Her entire life, Liv had known nothing but violence, with her mother or on the job and had never met someone who could show her was true love was and she was determined to be that someone.

**Alright guys! I'm having the biggest doubts ever regarding this chapter. I wonder if I didn't take things too far.**

**What do you think?****This chapter is by far the most important of this story and I really need your opinion! Thanks!**

**Will Amanda be able to help Olivia get rid of her darkness? Will she get hurt in the process?**


	9. The right woman

I just wanted to thank the following readers for reviewing each and every single chapter, you guys rock and give me the confidence to continue!

lostsoulsaveme, justliziam, ShadowKira, Hope6968 , rookie802, Fallen austin, killa tila and Centon4Eva.

To my other readers(occasional reviewers or not), please don't be shy!

* * *

**Chapter 9 :**

**The right woman : **

For the next half hour or so, the two women stayed on the floor, Amanda holding Olivia in her arms, rocking her back and forth as smoothly as she could. Gently drawing small circles on the brunette's back, Amanda was trying to figure a way to get them out of this uncomfortable position without disturbing Olivia's newly found peace. She could feel the brunette slowly relaxing in her arms and did not want to snap her out of that state and risk seeing her running away. Unfortunately sitting on the wooden floor wasn't the most comfortable position and she had no other choice.

"Hey honey, how about we relocate to the couch?" Whispering those few words in Olivia's ear, Amanda was hoping that the brunette wouldn't decide to leave and take back everything that had just happened. She wanted this to be the beginning of something, not the end.

"Yeah, I'm not getting any older and I'm afraid I won't be able to unfold my legs if we stay in that position any longer." To Amanda's big surprise, Olivia seemed rather happy and was exhibiting the brightest smile. Was that smile sincere? Or was she trying to hide her embarrassment after her downfall?

"Come on you're still in great shape and besides, I have a thing for older women." Pulling Olivia up, Amanda couldn't help but taking a quick peek inside the Detective's shirt. She definitely had gorgeous attributes and she could not wait to explore them.

"And I do have a thing for blondes." Against all odds, the atmosphere seemed relatively light, like nothing had ever happened but it was only a facade. Neither Amanda and Olivia knew how to proceed after Olivia's heart breaking confession and especially after the rather visceral way she finally released all that hidden tension, making her collapse on the floor.

"That's what I've heard." Amanda replied, a corner smile on her face, those were only rumours but she had been dying to ask Olivia about them.

"What do you mean?" Frowning at Amanda's remark, Olivia feigned being surprised, but knew exactly what the blonde was referring to and considering how persistent the rumour of her involvement with ADA Cabot has been, she wasn't surprised that Amanda had heard about it.

"You know, there have been rumours about Alex Cabot and you, but you don't have to talk about it. I think you've shared enough for today." The truth was that Amanda was dying to know if there was any truth to those rumours and if Olivia had been in relationships with women before or if she was her first.

"I don't mind talking about it. Actually there's nothing to talk about, Alex and I are just...work acquaintances, nothing more. I know people have been speculating but because two single women, argue like lovers on regular basis, doesn't mean they are." Both Olivia and Alex were well aware of the rumours but had never really talked about it. Olivia had tried to bring it up a couple of times but Alex always thought it was better not to acknowledge the rumours, it was just who she was, avoiding at all cost giving any importance to something that could damage her reputation.

"Okay, fair enough." Now that was a relief, it was bad enough that Amanda was convinced Olivia had had women lovers in the past but she was convinced she could never compete with Alexandra Cabot and knowing she wouldn't have to came as a relief.

"Amanda, look at me. If there is anything you want to know, just ask. I think we're way passed being shy, don't you think?" As physically and emotionally drained as she was, Olivia felt lighter, free for the first time in her life and looking into Amanda's eyes, all she wanted was to continue sharing, even if she did not know where all this was leading them.

"Okay. I was just wondering if you ever had relationships with women before. My gaydar is usually pretty accurate but when it comes to you, it's completely defective." Not that Olivia didn't possess the swagger or the natural bond with women that would normally make Amanda's gaydar ping, but the older Detective was too complex to be put in any box or to fit any stereotype.

"To be honest with you and considering how unsuccessful my relationships with men have been so far, yes, I have questioned my sexuality in the past." This was the first time Olivia confessed to anyone that she had questioned her sexuality, but sitting on Amanda's couch, their hands slightly touching, she felt safe and had no shame in confessing this to her.

"I guess that make sense but being unlucky with men doesn't make you a lesbian."

"True. You know I have had a couple opportunities to explore things but never did." Olivia might have been unexperienced but certainly not naive. She had confessed her feelings for Amanda and now the blonde was trying to make sure they were genuine, not some illusion.

"I guess you just haven't met the right woman." Now, that was a rather bold statement. Slightly rising her head, Amanda slid closer to the Detective and while she knew Olivia was in no shape to make any drastic decisions, she needed to show her that her recent confession had not altered her feelings and that she still wanted to be with her.

"Until now." As she cleared her throat, Olivia looked deep into the blonde's big blue eye for a clue, for something that would tell her that Amanda was that woman, the right one, that special person she had been waiting for her entire life.

"And we have the rest of our lives to explore and figure things out." Sighing as she reached out to swipe a strain of hair off Olivia's face, Amanda's only desire was to kiss her, to hold her tight and never let her go but she knew this was not the right time. If anything, Olivia was emotionally vulnerable and the last thing she wanted was to take advantage of her. What Olivia needed now was time to recover and reflect on today's events and she could only hope that once she'd be both emotionally physically rested, the brunette would accept to take a chance and let her guide into this life changing adventure.

** Hi guys, I know this chapter was transitional and that nothing major happened but considering how intense last chapter was, I figured they needed a tender, intimate moment before taking the next step. **

**I think this conversation was actually necessary and that Olivia needed to know and feel that Amanda's feelings had not changed after her confession.**

**What do you think?Please tell me it wasn't a complete disaster...**

**ps : is it too soon for jealous and possessive Olivia to make an apparence(considering they're not together yet)?**


	10. Jealousy

Hi guys! Happy election day! Considering you're reading this story, I think it's fair to assume that you're either gay or gay friendly so it's probably not necessary to advise you to vote for Obama, so all I have to say is, rock the vote!

Also, I hope that every one in NY and NJ is safe and sound...There was a huge storm back in 99 in france and we were without electricity for ten days, so I know exactly what you guys are going through!

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**Thanks to all the readers who commenting this story for the first time.**

**As I always say, I don't bite, so drop me a line!**

**Chapter 10:**

**Jealousy : **

The next day, both Olivia and Amanda were waken up around 6 am by a call from Captain Cragen asking them to go to Bellevue Hospital, where a very young unidentified victim was being treated after being found wandering in the streets, naked and heavily drugged.

"I see Cragen called you too." Stepping out off her car, Amanda immediately spotted Olivia who was standing next to hers, visibly waiting for her.

"Yeah, the victim is a little girl, no more than 14 year old, so he probably thought it'd be better to send us. How did you sleep?" After her heart breaking confession and finally admitting her feelings to Amanda, Olivia had left the blonde's appartement, relieved but anxious with no precise idea of how to proceed from there.

"Well, so it looks like the guys are already on another case, will be okay working with me?" Just before Olivia left the previous night, the two women had agreed on taking things slow, on giving Olivia time to reflect on her confession and make peace with her feelings. Unfortunately, as they walked towards the ER, Amanda who could smell Olivia's perfume, was struggling with the almost visceral desire to pin her to a wall and kiss her. That need she had was slowly taking over her reason and desire to take things slow and she did not know how long she would be able to refrain herself for.

"Don't worry about it. Now that we've talked, I don't feel that discomfort between us so I think we should be fine. " Being the observent Detective that she was, Olivia knew how frustrating waiting was for the younger Detective and she was truly flattered that Amanda considered her worthy of the wait and effort they were both investing in making this relationship work.

"Alright, Alicia? What are you doing here? Are you the one that found her?" Approaching the room where the victim was kept in, Amanda immediately spotted a fellow officer in uniform, standing outside the room.

"Hey, Amanda. Yes, my partner and I found her about two hours. My shift finished at 6, but she was in such a bad shape that I didn't want to leave until you guys got here. Plus your Captain told me he was sending you so I figured, we could catch up a bit." Officer Alicia Riley was a thirty year old police officer, who has been in the force for seven years. She and Amanda had met six months ago in Central where they were both training for the marathon with the same group and they had been friends ever since.

"So what can you tell us about the victim? " Olivia asked, taking a step towards the young officer, positioning herself between her and Amanda, not allowing the blonde to respond.

"Well, we found her at 4.45 am a couple of blocks from here. She was wandering in the street, naked and seemed highly sedated so my partner and I drove her here. The Doctor said that considering the low temperature when we found her, she couldn't have been wandering for more than a few minutes or she would have suffered from hypothermia which wasn't the case. CSU and uniforms are canvassing the area as we speak and the rape kit and blood samples are already at your lab and she is now sleeping." A bit straddled by Olivia's aggressiveness, the young Officer still managed to give her report, hoping she had done everything by the book.

"She's lucky that you found her, a few more minutes and she probably would have died of hypothermia. Hey Liv, how about you go talk to the Doctor who treated her?" Taking a step towards Olivia, Amanda reached out for the brunette's left arm, hoping that by sending her away, she would avoid a clash between her and Alicia.

"Yeah. Check with CSU to see if they retraced her steps and if they managed to find where she was dropped off." As she slowly stepped away, Olivia could feel the anger gradually filling her up. Her jaw was tensed, her pulse was rising and her throat was making an almost inaudible groan. Without knowing how, her most primal instincts perceived the younger officer as a threat.

"Damn, what's wrong with her?" Almost shivering as she watched Olivia walking away, Alicia was shocked, offended even that the Detective would be so agressive and completely unprofessional with her, especially after she had rescued this girl from death.

"Yeah, she gets a little grumpy when she doesn't get her beauty sleep." Amanda replied smiling through grin teeth. Never in the year she had worked with Olivia had she witnessed her being rude with a fellow officer like that.

A few minutes later, after consulting with the ER attending that had treated the little girl, Olivia walked back to her room, only to find Amanda and Alicia chatting. Alicia was leaning against the wall and she was too far to hear what they were talking about she could see her flirting with Amanda. Unfortunately for Olivia, Amanda seemed to be rather friendly as well and while her hands were shoved in her pocket, Olivia could tell that Amanda was appreciating the conversation and from where she was standing could spot a large smile on the blonde's face.

"Amanda, we're leaving. Officer, thanks for the help. We will be back once the victim wakes up." Passing next to the two women, expecting Amanda to follow her, Olivia did not even bother looking at the officer. She needed to get the hell out of there before something bad happened.

"Is everything okay? You look tensed." Trying to keep up with Olivia's pace, Amanda had a feeling that there was something on the brunette's mind and that making her tell her about it would be harder than getting a confession from their unsub.

"Yeah, I'm fine. So our victim was raped multiple times both vaginally and anally over the span of several days. She had ligature marks on both her wrists and ankle and several needle marks on her neck." Walking towards the parking lot, Olivia did her best to avoid eye contact, not that she was ashamed of her behaviour, quite the oposite actually but she was enraged at Amanda's and did not want to cause a scene.

"He really did a number on her. Good news though, CSU found her clothes and a back pack a couple of blocks from where she was found, so we should be able to ID."

"So she was kidnapped, raped, tortured, then the perp took her out of where ever he was keeping her, took her clothes off, and left her wander in the street hoping the cold would kill her? Just when I thought this day couldn't get any worse." Picturing what that bastard had done to that innocent child, Olivia's rage was suddenly redirected towards him.

"Looks like it. I will meet you at the station, alright?" Amanda replied, biting her lower lip. She wanted, needed to reach out to Olivia and try to calm her down but as she looked into the brunette's eye, all could she could see was the rage and decided against an approach. The two of them were going to work on that case together and the more professional things remained the more likely they would be to stay focus and find their perp.

Half an hour later, Olivia and Amanda arrived at the station and were immediately greeted by Captain Cragen.

"Our victim name is Felicia Suarez, thanks to the picture officer Riley sent us, I was able to find the missing person's repport her parents filed 4 days ago . Here the adress, you two go notify them, DNA from the rape kit and blood analysis should be ready when you get back." Cragen said, handing the piece of paper containing the adress and information on their victim to Olivia.

The victim name was Felicia Suarez, she was fourteen years old and lived in a cosy apartment on the upper east side with her parents and two brothers. The shock of seeing the two Detectives knocking on her door was so intense that the mother fainted and it took almost half an hour for her to emerge and when she finally did, she immediately started crying as her husband reassure her that her daughter was alive and well.

Interviewing the parents, Amanda and Olivia learned that the little girl had been seen for the last time, thursday as her mother dropped her off to school. Not seeing her in her class that day, her music teacher immediately notified the head master who called the parents who immediately realized that their daughter had been taken. An hour later, the cops were at the school interrogating every single teacher and class mate. Unfortunately because SVU was swamped that day, the case was given to another team and they had spent the past four days trying to find her.

A few minutes after leaving the parents home, Olivia received a call from the ER Doctor who had treated Felicia, telling her that the little girl was awake and responsive. Without a word to her partner, Olivia decided to drive back to the hospital, hoping Felicia could tell them what had happened and maybe identify the perp.

The ride back to the hospital was as uncomfortable as the one to the parents' house was. Olivia was driving, her hands alost sealed to the steering wheel, her eyes were fixated on the road and the tension between her and Amanda was so intense that the blonde did not dare saying a word.

"Okay, Liv. You need to talk to me right now and tell me what in hell is going on with you today." Stepping out of the car as they finally arrived in from of the hospital, Amanda, against her better judgment, decided to confront Olivia knowing she wouldn't be able to focus on their investigation until things were sorted out.

"Nothing." Shaking her head as she took as few steps towards the entrance door, Olivia had to fight her rage, she couldn't get that image of Amanda flirting with that woman out off her head.

"No, I know you and there is obviously something wrong. Liv, come on ta;l me. Everything was fine when we met this morning." Amanda replied, positioning herself between Liv and the door.

"Look, if you have a problem with me how about you ask Cragen to transfer your friend to SVU? I'm sure she'd love to work with you." Amanda's right hand was on her chest, and that pushy attitude only brought more anger to Olivia's heart.

"Oh my god, is this what this is all about? You're jealous of Alicia because we were friendly with each other earlier?" And just like that, it hit her : Olivia was jealous of her friend. Shaking her head to snap herself from that thought, Amanda didn't know if she should be flattered or mad at the brunette.

"Come on, you were more than friendly, you were flirting with her, but hey, joke's on me. I shouldn't have trusted you when you said you'd wait for me. A girl like you has needs, right?" Turning her back on Amanda as soon as the words had slipped through her lips, Olivia brought her right hand to her forehead and tried to take long, deep breath.

"Oh Liv. There is nothing going on between me and Alicia. We met a while back through our running group, she's a friend, nothing more. I was completely sincere last night. I'm willing to wait for you because you are worth it and there is not a woman on this planet that could ever make me doubt my feelings or renounce to us." Amanda didn't care they were in a public parking lot, she grabbed Olivia's shoulder, forcing her to face her and then snaked her arms around her waist. She needed for Olivia to feel her, to feel her love, her warmth and her sincerity.

"I'm sorry. I...I guess I still have trouble believing that I'm worth the trouble. Can you forgive me?" Olivia's forehead was now pressing against Amanda's, and she could almost feel her breath on her face.

"Of course, I can but you're gonna have to work for it. So how about you take me out once we close this case?" Hell with waiting. What Olivia needed right now was reassurance, she needed something concrete, not just a promise and the only way Amanda could give her that was by being with her.

"It's a date." Sighing, Olivia slowly tightened her grip around Amanda's waist, not caring if anyone saw them. Was she ready to take Amanda on their first official date? Probably not, but the simple thought of losing her to someone else because she was too scared to act on her feelings was like an electroshock to her, actually it was the kick in the ass she needed to man up and take that scary first step towards what she knew could be the beginning of something amazing.

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**Hey guys! I know a couple of you were against seeing jealous Olivia making an appearance but I think this was the perfect kick in the butt Olivia needed to grow a pair and take things to the next level. **

**For those who are disappointed because they were expecting something more intense, dont worry, possessive and jealous Olivia will be back and in a much more extreme way, but for now, I just needed something to trigger Olivia's courage**.

**Do you think it's too soon for them to go out on a first date? Can Olivia handle what ever might happen during that date?**

**I'm open to ideas on where Olivia should take her because I absolutely have no ideas!**


	11. Simplicity

**Chapter 11 :**

**Simplicity : **

Amanda and Olivia stood there, holding each other for a few more minute,minutes that truly felt like hours, until Amanda was finally the first to snap out of that intense but yet tender moment.

"Not that I don't appreciate having you close to me like that, but I think we should check on our victim." Amanda muttered as she unwillingly took a step back, not without breathing Olivia's scent one last time.

"You're right." Slightly biting her lower lip, Olivia had trouble getting her eyes off Amanda's lips and to let her go. She wanted this moment to last for ever but was forced to concede that this was neither the place or time for such intimacy.

For the next half hour, Olivia and Amanda interviewed the little girl as gently and respectfully as they possibly could. Fortunately for the two Detectives, surrounded by her parents, Felicia felt comfortable enough to tell them what had happened, or at least what she could remember.

Listening to the little girl telling them about the horrific four days she had spent at the mercy of that man, Olivia and Amanda learned Felicia did not know her agressor and that while she was blind folded the entire time, she would recognize his voice if confronted to the man again. Despite having years of experience neither Amanda nor Olivia were able to hide their emotion as the little girl bravely detailed the horror that monster had put her trough.

If interviewing rape victims never got easier with time, what still amazed Amanda was Olivia's interaction with the victims. watched. Olivia truly had a gift to make young victims trust her, holding their hands, comforted while she literally relived the most terrible things that had ever to them. The immense respect and care Olivia treated the victims with was what made a great cop and what had made Amanda fall for her.

Leaving the hospital that morning, the two women were somehow relieved to see how attentive and supportive the Suarez were with their daughter had no doubt they would get her the help she would need in the following years.

On the other hand, as cooperative as the little girl was, her statement did not bring much information to the Detectives.

Driving back to the precinct that morning both Detective prayed that the rape kit would bring them some solid evidence before the perp kidnapped another guy.

Against all odds, their prayers were answered and as they came back to the precinct, Cragen informed them that Dr Warner had the result from the rape kit and that the perp's DNA was in the system.

His name Kyle Miller, a 20 year old gardener who had been working in the park next to Felicia's school. His DNA had been put in the system after he sexually assaulted a 14 year old girl upstate. Unfortunately the officers who arrested did not follow protocole and failed to read him his rights, allowing his lawyer to get the rape kit and his confession thrown out off evidence and his case dismissed.

Unfortunately catching him turned out to be much more challenging than identifying him and while his picture had been sent to every single cop in the tri-state area, the per managed to stay hidden for five days.

Staying at the station from 7 am til almost midnight, Olivia and Amanda interrogated both his parents, his friends, colleagues but it seemed that Kyle was smart enough not to contact any of them or to use any of his credit cards.

On the fifth day which was a friday, as Olivia, Amanda and Cragen were about ti give up, the perp made his first mistake.

Out of cash with nowhere to hide, he decided to establish contact with his high school sweetheart thinking the Detectives had already interviewed her. What he did not expect was to see an entire assault team literally breaking the bathroom down as he was taking a bath. His girlfriend Michelle had allowed him inside her house and offered him to take a hot bath so he could relax and called Olivia the minute he set foot in the bathroom.

After confronting him with the DNA evidence, Amanda and Olivia managed to get a confession in less than two hours.

Aware that the two Detectives had pulled multiple double shifts to catch the bastard, Cragen was more than happy to send them hope around seven o'clock that day, ordering them to take saturday off.

"That was certainly a though one. I still can't believe his ex turned him in." Her hands shoved in her pocket as they walked towards her appartement, Amanda could barely keep her eyes open and could not wait to treat herself with a hot bath with bubbles and a good night of sleep.

"She's a mother now and no matter how screwed up she was in high school or how in love with him she was at the time, she didn't want him near her little girl." Despite being exhausted as well, Olivia had insisted to walk Amanda to her appartement, which was conveniently a couple of blocks from the precinct.

"I guess you're right. Well, that's my stop." Amanda replied, faking a smile, as they arrived in front of her building.

"Yeah..." Biting her bottom lip, Olivia was struggling to find a way to talk about the date she had promised Amanda not knowing if the blonde still wanted to go out with her. Being a straight woman, Olivia, up until now, had never found herself in the delicate position of having to ask someone out and felt slightly uncomfortable about it. Despite her discomfort, Olivia had already planned the perfect night out for the following day and she knew that she had no other choice but to gather her courage and ask Amanda out.

"So what about our date?" While she and Olivia were walking and standing in auto pilot, Amanda could sense that the brunette wanted to talk about their date but was to shy to bring it up so she decided to break the ice by reminding her of it.

"I was thinking I could take you out tomorrow night, if you think you'll be rested by then." Will things always be that easy with Amanda? Will she always read her mind and be able to take matters in her own hand if needed?

"We could do that or you could come inside and order some take out and watch a movie." Taking a step towards Olivia, Amanda reached out for the brunette's leather jacket and started to wander her fingers on the zipper, trying her best to resist pulling her into her embrace.

"You don't want me to take you out? Cause I kinda had an entire date planned." While Olivia loved Amanda straightforwardness and that she was lay back, she had planned an entire evening and she had every intention of bringing her to a nice restaurant, for which she would pay, followed by a romantic walk under the stars in central park. While she was not the most conventional person in the world, she wanted to do everything by the book and treat Amanda the way she deserved.

"And I'm sure that what ever you had planned was fantastic but I'm not Alex Cabot, you don't need to impress me. All I want is to spend time with you Liv, in a comfortable and safe place where we can be ourselves, not in a fancy restaurant where we won't be able to talk freely or where we might run into someone we know." Amanda wasn't surprised by Olivia's desire to treat her with an exceptional night and while she always appreciated being treated like a lady, she was a girl of simple tastes.

"Well, if that's what you want, then I will be more than happy to oblige." Swallowing hard as she followed Amanda in her building and then into her appartement, Olivia started to feel her pulse rise. While she appreciated Amanda's desire for simplicity, this intimacy she was offering her scared her to death. She had observed Amanda's behaviour enough to know that she was straight forward and that she seemed to have this physically need to be close to her and she didn't know if she could handle it. That's why she had planned on taking Amanda to a very public restaurant, so she wouldn't risk seeing Amanda make a move on her. All she could hope for now was that Amanda would feel her anxiety and refrain from attempting something she was obviously not ready for.

"Thank you. How about you settle down on the couch and order us some dinner? My tv is connected to an external hard drive and I have about two hundred movies for you to choose from. I'm gonna take a shower and I will be right back." Walking towards her bathroom, Amanda took a quick look over her shoulder, only to see Olivia running her right hand through her hair, which was a sign that she was extremely nervous. Sighing as she stepped into her bathroom, Amanda knew she had to renounce to the seduction plan she had had in a corner of her mind for weeks. As much as she wanted Olivia to stay the night and for them to make love for hours, the brunette was obviously not ready for that and she could not risk scaring her off by being too presumptuous and straight forward.

About fifteen hour later, Amanda finally joined Olivia back in the living room and another half an hour later the two women were having dinner on Amanda's couch.

"So do you think Felicia will ever recover from what happened to her? She's certainly strong and her parents seemed supportive." Amanda was siting on the left side of the couch, her right leg folded under her left thigh as she was facing Olivia.

"If her parents support her and if she receives proper psychological help, yeah she might have a chance of living a long and productive life, but she'll always will always be fragile, scarred by one that bastard has done to her." After spending almost twenty years on the job, including 14 years on the job, Olivia had met a lot of young victims and had often tried to stay in touch with them and no matter how strong or how loved by their family those victims were, they almost always suffered from heavy psychological troubles, often leading to drug or alcohol use or even sexual promiscuity.

"I guess we never really know what happens to the victims after we put the bastards in jail but when you think about it most of our perps were abused as children, it's an endless and vicious circle." Nothing could justify raping or murdering but some of the perps Amanda had arrested over the years had trouble past which could explain their behaviour. Violence leads to violence, she had no doubt about it.

"I guess you're right...I..."Was violence inherited or taught? Was an abuse child destined to be an abuser himself? Those were the questions that had been haunting Olivia ever since she had found out what had happened to her mother.

"Oh, honey. I'm sorry, I know your mother abused you and I didn't mean anything by it. If anything you're the living proof that the violence cycle can be broken." Well done Amanda, this evening had started so well and you had to open your big mouth and remind Olivia of who she was and of what she was convinced she was condemned to be.

"No, I'm not. There's so many things you don't know about me Amanda." What Olivia was referring to, was something only Casey Novak knew, something that had been haunting her for the past twenty five years and that could scare Amanda off for could, should she decide to share it with her.

"Then tell me. I told you Olivia, no matter what happened to you or what ever you think you did that was wrong, I will never stop believing in you and in us." Turning her back on Olivia for a second to leave her food on the table next to the couch, Amanda then slid closer to the Detective and after putting her food away as well, cupped her face with her right hand and gently started to caress her cheek with her right thumb.

"I almost killed my mother." The words were rough, but accurate and slipped out off Olivia's mouth faster than she had wished.

"What are you talking about?" Was Olivia exaggerating or did she fight back after her mother beat her up?

"After I told her that I was going to marry her student, she went ballistic. She was drunk out of her ass and broke the bottle of vodka she had in her hand and went after me with the jagged edge of the bottle screaming. I fought back, kicked her twice and she went flying across the room into the wall. I swear Amanda, I wanted to kill her. She was lying on the floor, unable to move and I started to have flashbacks of all the time she physically or verbally abused me. I could remember every single word, I just...I wanted her to die for what she had been doing to me." Her arms wrapped around herself, Olivia closed her eyes and started to rock herself back and forth. She couldn't, wouldn't face the look on Amanda's face.

"Oh, Liv, honey. That was self-defense, it was either fighting back or allowing her to hurt you again. I know that you feel guilty because she was your mother and you still loved her but you didn't do anything wrong." Just when Amanda thought she knew everything there was to know about Oliva, the brunette managed to throw her another curved ball, slapping her in the face with her confession.

"You don't understand. It's not like I roughed a suspect up a bit or had the desire to kill a rapist. She was my mother! Don't you see? If I have it in me to do that to my own mother, what do you think I'm capable of doing to you?" That was Olivia's biggest fear. Hurting Amanda was what scared her the most, because she had never cared for anyone the way she did for Amanda and because of that, she knew she was capable of the better but also of the worse.

"The difference between me and your mother is that I will never hurt you or give you a reason to strike back. I promise." Pulling Olivia into her arms, Amanda started to rock Olivia back and forth. For the first time since Olivia had shared her fears with her, she was actually scared. While she knew Olivia did not have it in her to attack her for no reason, she was now afraid that if provoked, Olivia might allow the darkness to take over and that thought was enough to freeze her blood in her veins, especially when she remembered Olivia's vivid reaction when she saw her interacting with her friend Alicia. She had to get the darkness out of Olivia soon or she might find herself forced to walk on eggshells for as long as they'd be together.

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Hey guys! Well, I hope this "date" did not disappoint you. When you think about it, Amanda is right, she's not Alex Cabot, she's just a simple southern girl and doesn't need to be impressed. What she wants is to spend time with Liv to get to know her better, nothing fancy or extravagant.

I know this chapter feels a lot like the one where Olivia first confessed her dark thoughts to Amanda but I think I took things a step further this time by showing Amanda's fear of seeing Olivia hurt her if her anger was triggered like it was at the hospital. Amanda is only human after all and she can't always remain strong and confident.

Now, for those who are waiting for some action, well stay tuned, you might get what you want in the next chapter(or not...)

As I always say, I don't bite so don't hesitate to drop me a line or two!


	12. Stay

Last chapter was terrible but hopefully this one should make up for it!

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**Chapter 12 : **

**Stay :**

The two women remained in that same position, Amanda rocking Olivia back and forth until she felt confident that the brunette was completely calm and relaxed.

"Honey, it's getting kind of late and we're both exhausted, so how about you go take a shower while I find you something to wear?" Amanda had dreamed about seeing Olivia stay over for months but in her dreams, the brunette stayed after a long night of passionate love making. Unfortunately she knew Olivia was in no shape to make love, truth be told, she did not even know how to define their relationship and if after breaking down in her arms multiple times Olivia would still consider dating her. She knew how proud the brunette was and that dating someone who had seen her at her lower point was probably something she could not consider but it did not matter, Amanda's main concern was to get her out of that bottomless abyss.

"No, I don't want to bother you, I can walk back to the station and drive home, but thanks." Strangely, Olivia had not shed a single tear. Confiding in Amanda about her darkest fears and then about that incident with her mother might have been the two most intense experiences in her entire life but as ashamed and terrified as she was to expose herself like that, she felt so safe and cared for in Amanda's arms that she did not feel the need to cry and she came out of it stronger.

"No, you my friend, are in no shape to drive, so you're gonna take a shower, and then stay for the night, don't worry, I will take the couch." Sleep on the couch while the woman she loved slept in her bed, ten feet away, now that was devotion.

"I...okay, I will stay but I'm not chasing you out of your own bed. I think we can share a bed, if you promise to keep your hands in your pocket of course." Winking at Amanda, Olivia stood up and walked towards the bathroom, knowing too well how obtuse the blonde could be, not that she wanted to leave though. Being here, and the simple thought of sharing a bed with Amanda, of feeling her so close that she would fall asleep breathing her perfume was one the happiest prospect she has had in a long time.

"Yes, I think I can do that. Let me get you some clothes to sleep in." Shaking her head as she followed the brunette to the bathroom, Amanda was amazed by Olivia's ability to snap out that catatonic state as simply as she would have woken up from a short nap, revitalized, and visibly happier, like nothing had ever happened.

Stepping into her bedroom, Amanda reached out for her dresser and pulled a large NYPD t-shirt and the matching pants, they were too long for her but would fit Olivia perfectly.

"I'm leaving the clothes on the sink, I hope they fit, if not, I can find something else." The bathroom door was slightly open but Amanda closed her eyes as a precaution, before pushing it wider and leaving the clothes on the sink. As she took a few steps back, Amanda had to fight to resist the urge to take a peek at Olivia in the shower, but knew better than violating her privacy like that.

"Alright." Olivia was standing in Amanda's tub and since the curtain was pulled all the way around it, did not catch Amanda clumsy attempt to exit the bathroom with her eyes closed.

About twenty minutes later, Olivia finally got out of the shower and without checking the living room first, instinctively walked towards Amanda's bedroom.

"May I come in?"

"Yeah, sure. I'm warning you, I sleep on the left side and that is not negociable." Amanda was lying ind her bed, covers pulled up all the way to her chest. She had spent the past twenty minutes trying to calm herself down, to focus on Olivia's needs instead of hers, hoping her desires wouldn't get the best of her and that she'd be able to keep her hands in her pockets like Olivia had jokingly requested.

"And I sleep on the right side..." As hard as she tried to keep her composure, Olivia was as nervous as Amanda, not because she was scared that the blonde might get carried but because she felt the same need to be physically close to her and did not know how to ask for it or if she even deserved it.

As slowly and as gently as she possibly could, Olivia climbed in bed next to Amanda and positioned herself on her back, her two arms folded on her stomach, the covers pulled up to her chin. The two women were as far as they could possibly be, so close to the edges of the bed that a simple move would make them fall on the floor.

"You know you can come closer, I promise I won't bite."

"Sure." Swallowing hard, Olivia slowly slid closer to Amanda until their bodies finally touched.

"Look at us, we're like two teenagers, two virgins teenagers who are sharing a bed for the first time. Come on, come closer." While she knew that Olivia had this visceral need to take the lead at work and probably in her private life as well, Amanda knew that in this particular situation she had to be the one to take that first step and show her that what they desperately craved for was nothing to be shy about.

"Well since I have never been with a woman, I'm technically a virgin, a forty year old virgin." Laughing at her own comment as she felt Amanda's right arms around her shoulder pulling her closer, Olivia positioned herself in fetal position and rested her head on the blonde's chest, her right arm across her stomach.

"Don't worry, I'll be gentle." Amanda had shared her bed with a lot of different women but never in her life had she felt so happy. Holding Olivia in her arms, running her hand through her brown hair was what Amanda had been dreaming about for the past year, it wasn't about sex, it was about love and comfort and it felt incredibly right.

And just like that, without a word, the two women fell asleep in each other arms, their bodies finally shutting down after yet another intense week.

The next morning, Olivia woke up around seven Am, and after gently extracting herself from Amanda's embrace, positioned herself on her left side and watched the blonde sleeping.

_"How did I get so lucky? I can't even remember the last time I shared my bed with someone I was that attracted to without having sex. With her, it's so much more than a physical attraction or sexual need, it's much deeper than that. I can see a future with her, but how can I ever give her what she deserves, the kind of relationship where she can feel safe and loved when I can barely stand myself? She deserves to be treated like a princess, to be with someone who will marry her, give her a child, someone who she can grow old with and as much as I would love to be that person, I don't know if I have what it takes, but I'm gonna try, I'm gonna try and fight as hard as I ever did better." _

About half an hour later, Amanda finally opened her eyes, waken up by Olivia's warm breath on her, and little she knew, this was about to turn as she best way to emerge from a long night of sleep she had ever experienced.

"Good morning." Without thinking about it, gently slid closer to Amanda and gently pressed her lips against hers. The kiss was short but intense, it was everything they had dreamed about.

"_God, If I'm dreaming, please don't make me wake up now_." And dreaming she was not. Feeling Olivia's lips brushing hers, Amanda got a little carried away and pressed her right hand against Olivia's back to get her closer to her. She did not know where this passionate kiss was going to lead them, but she had waited to long to taste the brunette to stop at a simple peek on the lips. So, Amanda gently pressed her tongue against Olivia's lips, requesting access to the inside of her mouth, access Olivia was happy to grant her.

As their tongues finally met and started to tangle together in a perfectly synced ballet, Olivia climbed on top on Amanda, positioning her forearms on both sides on the blonde's head. Suddenly, all her fears and insecurities disappeared and all that mattered was that she was in Amanda's arms, kissing her and it felt good. For the first time in years, she was finally shutting down all her barriers, overcoming all her incertitudes to allow herself to get what she truly wanted and she never felt so alive.

Amanda was lying on her back and feeling Olivia's weight pressing against her was a bit disconcerted at first, but as the seconds passed felt more at ease leading her to gently spread her legs to allow the brunette to settle between them. Olivia did not disappoint, she was as passionate but also as gentle and tender as Amanda had fantasized and she could only imagine just how intense things could get if they decided to take this passionate exchange a step further. If she was such an exceptional kisser, god knows what a great lover she probably was.

**Hey guys! So they finally kissed and it came from Olivia! I know it was short but I wanted to keep things simple and natural, no fuss.**

**I know I ended things a bit abruptly but I kinda like to torture and leave you hanging...**

**What should or should not happen in the next chapter has yet to be determined so, drop me a line and give me your suggestions!**

**As I always say, I don't bite!**


	13. And I will try to fix you

I swear I started writing this chapter and did not stop writing until it was done, which is pretty rare for me( I usually write in several sessions.)

Also, If you don't know that song yet, please make sure to check out "fix you" by coldplay, preferably the live version from Glastonbury or Toronto or the Kelly Clarkson and Carrie Underwood covers . It's probably my favorite english song ever, makes me cry every single time I listen to it. I think that after reading this chapter you'll understand why I chose this title for this chapter.

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**Chapter 13 :**

**And I will try to fix you :**

The two women remained in that position, Amanda on her back, wandering her fingers on Olivia's back and Olivia on top of her, settled between the blonde's legs. While their make out session was rather intense, Olivia remained very respectful and despite being tempted to slid her hands below the blonde's tank top, managed to keep her forearms on both sides of the Amanda's head, leaning on them for support.

"I think I might need oxygen." After several minutes of making out, Amanda was completely out of breath and as Olivia finally broke the kiss, she could feel her chest rising and falling following the rhythm of her breathing.

"So do I." Smiling, Olivia nuzzled her nose against Amanda's, looking her straight in the eyes. Amanda's arms were still strongly wrapped around her, preventing her from moving, not that she wanted to though. She was right where she belonged, in the arms of that gorgeous woman, who was slowly making her experience something she had given up on a long time ago : pure happiness.

"So...should we get breakfast or do you want to continue making out like teenagers?" Up until now, Amanda had been the confident one, but on that precise instant she was lacking words. Being in Olivia's arms, kissing her, seeing all the affection and hope the brunette was carrying in her eyes was overwhelming and she wished this moment could last for ever.

"Yes, I'm starving. You stay in bed, while I prepare us some breakfast." Olivia replied as she pressed her lips against Amanda's before bouncing out of bed.

_"I could get used to this."_ Amanda said to herself as she watched Olivia walking out of her bedroom, should she get used to it though?No, of course not. All this was so sudden and still very knew and she knew better than taking Olivia for granted. This relationship with Olivia would require time to mature, for the trust to build up, but Amanda was a patient woman and Olivia was worth it.

A few minutes later, Olivia came back holding a large tray with two cups of fresh coffee, orange juice and toasts with strawberry jam.

"Thank you, you know, I could get used to this." Amanda was now sitting up against the bed board, and the vision of Olivia bringing her breakfast in bed suddenly brought many similar visions before her eyes. This was exactly how she pictured the rest of her life.

"So do I." Olivia was not the most expressive woman, she was more of a strong silent type but she knew she did not have to force herself to talk about her feelings, not with Amanda. She knew that Amanda could read her like an open book and that instead of making big promises, all she needed was show her how she felt for the blonde to see what her true intentions were.

"Considering our line of work, we probably won't have the opportunity to sleep in like this very often, so we better enjoy it and be grateful." Both Amanda and Olivia were perfectly aware that mornings like this would be rare. They knew that if they wanted it to survive the numerous down sides of their jobs, they would have to learn to cease and appreciate every second of happiness they could catch.

"I agree. So Amanda, I hope I my behaviour wasn't too presumptuous." Olivia smiled as she took a sip at her coffee. She had provoked this moment of passion and she had now to face the consequences.

"You're kidding? I think there are worse things in life than waking up with a gorgeous on top of you." Olivia's sudden shyness was adorable, while she knew that Amanda had been dying to kiss her for months, she still wanted to make sure that her behaviour had been appropriate.

"I guess. I don't know what got into me, I just woke up, watched you sleep for a little while and felt it was the right moment. I don't know how I gathered the courage to kiss you first but I'm glad I did." And proud she was indeed. All her life, Olivia had taken the lead, at work or in her personal relationship, it was the only way for her to make sure she'd get exactly what she wanted. With Amanda it was different though. While she knew exactly what she wanted and had finally came to terms with it, the blonde intimidated her to a point where she considered gathering enough the courage to kiss her as a personal victory.

"I'm glad too. You know Liv, there is nothing you should be ashamed off or embarrassed about. What ever you want or need, all you need to do is to tell or show me and I'll be happy to provide it to you okay?" Amanda replied as she reached out to stroke Olivia's left cheek with the back of her right hand. She knew this was not easy for Olivia, that at her age having feelings she had for another woman and coming to terms with it was probably challenging and she was determined to do everything in her power to make things easier for her and to make sure she would not have to say or do anything she wasn't ready for.

"I know and now that you mention it, I would feel more comfortable if you told me about your first love. I told you about mine remember?" Pouting, Oliva was hoping she wasn't prying but she could not help but wondering about her past.

"Yes, you did and after everything you told me about your past, I think it's only fair that I share about mine as well." Amanda's past wasn't as painful and dark as Olivia but she knew the brunette needed to know as much as possible about her to feel on equal foot.

"You don't need to tell me anything you don't want to though, I'm just curious about that woman you told me you feel made you who you are today." Truth be told, Olivia was dying to know who that mysterious woman was and how she had managed to influence Amanda that much and while she knew this relationship had ended a long time ago, she couldn't help but feeling that the blonde was still somehow attached to her and the idea of having to compete with her first love terrified her.

"It's okay, I don't mind talking about it. Well, I started dating girls when I was in high school, well there were two of them during my senior year but nothing serious, just innocent flirts without any sexual interactions what so ever. Then during my first year in college, just before my mid terms I met Lisa. As you know I was studying forensic science and she was a law student. She was brilliant, funny and very attractive but relatively shy. I remember meeting her at the library and that we small talked for weeks before I gathered the courage to ask her out for a drink." If there was one thing Lisa had taught Amanda it was to be patient and now that she knew Olivia, she was grateful for that skill she had acquire while dating Lisa.

"Did you have any doubts about her sexual orientation?"

"No, not really. She didn't fit any stereotype but there was just something about her that just made it very clear to me that she was gay. So after three weeks of bringing her coffee, I finally asked her out and she agreed. Considering I did not know if she was out or not, I invited her to my place and made her dinner."

"In case she wouldn't feel comfortable being seen with another woman in public..." Nodding, Olivia realized that Amanda had always been considerate, thinking about other people's needs first.

"Yes and I realized later that night that I had made the right decision. Like I said she was very shy but once we starting talking, she started to open up and told me that she had never been with another woman but that she had been feeling attracted to women ever since she was ten or something."

"Looks like your gaydar was pretty efficient back then."

"It was. Anyway, we talked all night and after that we were inseparable. We would study together, spend all our free time with each other. At first it was mostly at my place but after a couple of months she finally felt comfortable enough to go out in public with me. Those three years we spent together were probably the best of my life." Smiling, Amanda couldn't help but feeling a pinch in her heart as she remembered Lisa, that woman she was convinced she was going to spend the rest of her life with but who had broke her heart into pieces.

"And she was your first..."

"Yes, she was the first woman I ever loved and the first I ever made love with. We waited six months before sleeping together, because we were both unexperienced and we really wanted it to be perfect. We never really talked about sex, we just took things slow, you know we started kissing, then touching, taking things a step further every time until we finally made love. It wasn't forced, we didn't need to talk about it, it just happened."

"I understand, it's very rare to have such a natural first time, you're lucky but may I ask what happened? Why did you guys break up?" From the tone of Amanda's voice and the nostalgia in her eyes, Olivia could see how much Amanda loved Lisa and her only hope was that Lisa had broke her heart. As terrible as it sounded, she was hoping their break up was so terrible that Amanda would never consider taking her back, should Lisa try to win her back after all those years.

"We were young and while I was ready to settle down with her, Lisa just wasn't as eager as I was. She wanted to travel, to see the world and to play the field a little bit. She just couldn't see herself getting married, buying a house or having kids that young, especially with her first love. I can't blame her though, we were young, unexperienced and things are rarely set in stone at that age." Shrugging her shoulders, Amanda had yet to realize how honest she was and how intimidating Olivia might be at the idea of having to live up to Lisa.

"I understand. Let me guess, after you broke up, you threw yourself into school, the academy and then the job." Strangely, Olivia did not feel threatened by the love Amanda had shared with Lisa anymore, it was the opposite. She could see how devastated this break up had been and could only imagine how lonely her life had been since.

"Yes. I can't say I didn't date because I did but nothing serious. Actually I became a bit of a womanizer, not that I did not want to fall in love, because as hurt as I was, I have always been an helpless romantic but no women I met ever managed to re-ignite that flame that had died the day Lisa broke up with me." Pushing the tray aside, Amanda slid closer to Olivia, what she was about to say was probably more intense than Olivia could handle, but she needed her to know how she felt.

"Oh Amanda..." So Amanda was as broken as she was and it seemed that she had renounced to love a long time ago, the same way she had herself but for different reasons.

"It's okay Liv. What I said is true. I dated gorgeous, smart, funny women but none of them were able to fix me up, but that was until I met you. I know we're still getting to know each other and I don't want to pressure you or anything but I need you to know that what ever I felt for Lisa is over, and that you should not feel like you're competing with her because as much as I loved her, she broke my heart and you, you're the one who put the pieces back together." Pulling Olivia closer to her, her arms snaked around her waist, Amanda was finally letting go of her demons too, the same way Olivia had the night before.

"Funny you should say that, because you put me back together too." Her arms snaked around Amanda, their foreheads touching, Olivia did not need to say much more. Somehow those two women who had two very different life stories, experiences and deceptions had met and somehow managed to fix, to heal each other, their love acting like a very powerful glue they knew would keep them together for ever.

As the two women were holding each other, Amanda's favorite song was playing on the radio. As beautiful as this song was, up until now, listening to it would only remind Amanda of what she had lost and thought she would never find again but at this precise moment, for the first time this song finally bared positive meaning. Actually, It was like it had been written for and about them.

When you try your best, but you don't succeed  
When you get what you want, but not what you need  
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep  
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face  
When you lose something you can't replace  
When you love someone, but it goes to waste  
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home  
And ignite your bones  
And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below  
When you're too in love to let it go  
But if you never try you'll never know  
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home  
And ignite your bones  
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down on your face  
When you lose something you cannot replace  
Tears stream down on your face  
And I...

Tears stream down on your face  
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes  
Tears stream down on your face  
And I...

Lights will guide you home  
And ignite your bones  
And I will try to fix you

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I had not planned on making this chapter that intense. I just wanted Amanda to share about her first love so Olivia could get to know her better and so she wouldn't feel she was the only one sharing and I ended writing a pretty deep, intense chapter... As I always say, I don't bite, so drop me a line. I was thinking about a small time jump(about a month or so) for the next chapter!


	14. Ghost from the past

**Chapter 14 :**

**Ghost from the past : **

For the next month, Olivia and Amanda continued to date, developing and tightening their bond with every minute they spent together.

For obvious reasons the newly formed couple agreed on keeping their relationship secret, none of them willing to give up their professional partnership. Unfortunately being surrounded by a few of New-York finest made things far more complicated than they would have wanted. They had to be careful not to behave or even look at each other in that would rise suspicion and most importantly they had to be extremely vigilant every time they sneaked out to the bathroom so they could exchange a quick quick or gentle embrace.

Yes, after dating for a month the two women were still in the honeymoon phase of their relationship and working together, being so close to each other without being able to touch, kiss or hold each other for hours at the time was excruciating and they seized every opportunity they had to be together, even for a minute.

Being two very independent individuals, they both agreed that spending too much time together that early in the relationship would be detrimental and agreed not to sleep at each other places during the week.

Unfortunately, one of the major downsides of their jobs was that their schedules were erratic and free week ends were never guaranteed, but the two women had promised to always go home together on friday nights and stay and spend the week end together, sleeping in each other arms regardless of if they had to work or not.

After their first passionate making out session, Olivia decided to slow things down, as a way of showing Amanda that she was not ready to take things to the next level yet and while the blonde found it extremely frustrating to sleep in the brunette's arms without making love to her first, she was more than happy to comply and follow Olivia's pace. Fortunately while their exchanges weren't as physical and passionate as the first time they had made out, both women were extremely tactile and could barely keep their hands off each other when they were in the privacy of Amanda's appartement and would never fall asleep without cuddling and kissing first. They weren't two frustrated teenagers anymore who after weeks if not months of repressing their feelings had finally decided to unleash their passion, but two women in love who were exploring each other slowly with the upmost respect for the other's needs and desires.

It was now the middle of november and after a week of torturing herself over it, Amanda had decided to invite Olivia to spend Thanksgiving with her and her family, hoping she wouldn't scare the brunette away by making such a invitation. After that first night they had spent together, the blonde had felt compelled to call her mother her mother to share her happiness and Dorothy had spent the past week insisting that Olivia spent Thanksgiving with them.

"So...Liv, there is something I have been meaning to talk to you about ..." Amanda and Olivia were sitting on the blonde's couch, having breakfast before going back to work.

"Sure." Her head in her newspaper, without even looking at her girlfriend, Olivia could tell by the tone of her voice that something was bothering her, so to make her feel more at ease, put the papers aside and turned towards the blonde, hoping that looking at her in the eyes would somehow reassure her.

"Well, as you know it's Thanksgiving next week and despite the fact that I'm working that day, my mother insisted that we spend it together the way we always do so she and my sister are flying down for a couple of days." Taking a deep breath, Amanda looked deep into Olivia's big brown eyes, knowing that there was no way out of this.

"Oh, that's great. I'm working too but while Halloween is propice to child abuse, Thanksgiving is more propice to alcohol related offenses, so things should be relatively slow." Smiling internally Olivia immediately understood where Amanda was going with this conversation and while the blonde's sudden shyness was adorable, Olivia was hoping that she wasn't reluctant to invite her for dinner because she didn't want her to meet her family but because she feared her reaction.

"Yeah, well anyway. I'm sorry to put you in that position but if I don't, I'm afraid my mother might barge into the precinct or call you personally so, Olivia, would you like to spend Thanksgiving with us?" Letting the words slipped through her lips, Amanda was preparing mentally to be turned down, while she would understand Olivia's possible reluctance to meet her family that early in the relationship, she was truly hoping that she would accept her invitation.

"Can I ask you how many of your girlfriends you've invited to meet your family?" Obviously Olivia was going to say yes but first, she needed to feel special, to feel that this was just not a formality Amanda's lovers had to comply with.

"Well, my mother knew my two high school girlfriends because they lived in the same neighbourhood but appart from them and Lisa, I never introduced any of my exes to either my mother or sister. Actually they never asked to meet any of them."

"Then you must have told them really nice things about me and I would be happy to join you for dinner, now come on, we're gonna be late for work." Oliva was flattered, honoured even that Amanda had told her family about her and that what ever she had told them had made them want to meet her. Olivia was forty three year old but had never managed to get hold a relationship long enough to meet her boyfriend's parents and while she was flattered that Amanda considered her worthy to meet her family, they had only been dating for a month and things were going a little too fast for her taste. Unfortunately Olivia truly loved Amanda and knew that turning her down would put a strain on their relationship and that she'd have to gather all her courage and face the blonde's mother and sister.

"Yeah...Oh, looks like we might already have a case already." Amanda was amazed by how casual Olivia was about her invitation. Since they weren't out to their friends or co-workers, she had expected us to be reluctant to meet her family, which was such a big step and a proof of commitment she thought Olivia wasn't ready for yet.

"Damn, that early." Looking at Amanda picking up her phone, Olivia was keeping her finger crossed, she was set to testify in court all afternoon and resented the idea of missing the first few hours of this possible new case.

"Oh, no, this is an old friend of mine, you go ahead and I'll catch up okay?" The number that appeared on Amanda's screen was not associated with any name in her adress book but she knew exactly who the caller was.

"Sure. I'll see you at work, it's better if we don't arrive together anyway." Sighing at how ridiculous sneaking around like this was, Olivia pulled Amanda in her arms, gave her a tender kiss before leaving her appartement.

"Lisa, what do you want?" Picking up the phone as the door closed behind Olivia, Amanda could feel her pulse rising and her throat drying up. What Olivia did not know was that every couple of years, Lisa would find a way back in her life and that it rarely ended well. This time it was different though, not only she was dating Olivia but she was madly in love with her and she'd die before letting Lisa compromise what had taken them so long to build.

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Alright guys...This has to be the crappiest chapter I have ever written! It's short, poorly written and ends with a cliffhanger and I apologize but I guess I wasn't that inspired but I still needed a small, transitional chapter to introduce the Thanksgiving dinner and Lisa's return in Amanda's life.

Speaking of Thanksgiving, I didn't bring it up innocently. There will be a chapter or maybe two dedicated to that dinner a bit later and what I can tell you for now is that Amanda's mother and sister might find themselves caught in the middle of the "Lisa" drama!

Anyway, what do you think Lisa wants with Amanda? Are they going to meet? Will Amanda tell Olivia about the phone call or keep it as a secret to avoid upsetting her or resurrecting Liv's insecurities?


	15. Together

**Thanks to Jules(AKA Fallen Austin) who literally spent hours last night helping me figure things out! You rock !**

** And also to Kate/Nathalya1987/Sidle13 /lovely-J22 /tummer22 who jumped into this story and started to review very recently, I hope I won't disappoint and I can't wait to read your feedback!**

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**Chapter 15 :**

**Together : **

About twenty minutes later, Amanda was finally arriving at the station. Her phone call with Lisa had been brief, almost painful, because she knew that having her ex girlfriend back in her life would bring its lot of drama. While she was completely in love with Olivia, she knew Lisa well enough to trust that she would spare no expense trying to get what she wanted or at least cause as damage as possible in the attempt.

Should she tell Olivia about that phone call? That question haunted Amanda from the moment she had left her appartement until she stepped into the precinct. Amanda Rollins was a lot of things, but she was not a liar, it was just not who she was but the idea of causing Olivia any pain or awaking her insecurities was not something she thought she could live with. Unfortunately, there was no way of sparing Olivia's feelings. She could either choose to withhold the information until she'd have dealt with Lisa and risk losing Olivia's trust, knowing the brunette would immediately wonder if she still had feelings for Lisa. Or she could be straight forward and tell her that Lisa had called her and that she wanted to meet up with her and be forced to reveal more details about her relationship with Lisa than she was willing to divulge.

Stepping into the precinct that morning around half past eight, Amanda's eyes immediately wandered around and she realized that Olivia was the only one at her desk.

"Where's everybody?" Nervously taking her jacket off, Amanda could feel her heart racing in her chest, God she hated Lisa for barging into her life just when things were starting to go well with Olivia.

"Nick and Fin are on a case, Munch is off today and Cragen is at 1PP for a meeting. Are you okay?" Being alone in the squad room, Oliva knew no one would catch them , so she stood up and walked towards the blonde.

"Actually no, I'm not. Can we go to the break room? We need to talk." When she stepped into the squad room only a couple minutes ago, Amanda had yet to make up her mind but she suddenly realized that not only Olivia was too observant and also knew her too well not to suspect that something was bothering her, especially since Amanda had never been able to lie without feeling the guilt eating her alive, thus changing her behaviour to a point where a blind person would be able to tell.

"Is there something wrong with you mother and sister? Are they changing their Thanksgiving plans? Because, we're both working and I don't see Amaro or Fin agreeing to take our call so we can fly to Atlanta, especially since they don't know we're seeing each other." Closing the break room door behind her, Olivia had a feeling that what ever was bothering Amanda was much more critical than Thanksgiving dinner.

"What? No, my mother wasn't the one who called." The break room was empty and the light was barely working and as Amanda was standing next to one the bunk beds, looking down at her boots, she was hoping that the obscurity would prevent Olivia to read her thoughts by looking into her eyes. Wishful thinking.

"Alright, what ever is going on, you can tell me." As much as Olivia was grateful that Amanda was always so considerate when it came to bring up though subjects, she wished that her girlfriend wasn't constantly scared of hurting her feelings and that her insecurities had shred so much that Amanda wouldn't have to walk on egg shells all the time.

"That phone call I received, it was Lisa. Apparently her firm transfered her to their branch in New-York six months ago and now that she's settled down, she wants to meet so we can catch up." Amanda's hands were shoved into her pockets and she still wasn't making eye contact. She had yet to determine if telling Olivia the whole truth about what she suspected were Lisa's true intentions was the wise choice .

"After all those years?" From the informations she had been given, Olivia's understanding was that they had not seen each other since they had broke up but seeing the pain on her girlfriend's face, she started to believe that Amanda might have not told her the entire truth.

"Well, to be honest with you, we kinda ran into each other a few times over the years. You know Atlanta is not that big and we use to hang out in the same places so it was inevitable." Amanda's heart was now hammering her chest, her head was spinning, she knew Olivia too well to expect her not to probe for more details.

"Oh, I see. Wait, was your break up a clean or did you hooked up afterwards?" Now everything was clear...The reason why Lisa was asking Amanda to meet her or why she had not told her about their post break encounters.

"I'm not gonna lie to you Liv, It took me a long time and a lot of will power to get her out of my system but like I said, running into each other was inevitable and yes, I have succumbed to the temptation several times." That weakness that had gotten the best of her was something Amanda was not proud of and even today, talking about it was painful.

"I can understand that. You were in love with her, you wanted to spend the rest of your life with her and getting rid of such feelings isn't as easy as people might think." Strangely, Olivia was more understanding than Amanda could have even wished for. She was a woman after all, and she had also succumbed to the temptation of re igniting the flame with a past lover once or twice.

"Yes, I was weak Liv, so weak but I'm completely over her now, you're the one I'm crazy about and nothing Lisa can say or do could ever change that." Slightly rising her chin, Amanda took a few steps towards Olivia, snaked her arms around her and looked up straight in the eyes.

"I know. So how did she react when you told her you weren't going to meet up with her?" Olivia pulled Amanda closer and gently pressed her lips on the blonde's forehead.

"Actually, I agreed on meeting her tonight for a drink." And here comes the drama...

"You did what? Why would you agree you meet up with her when you know what she's up to?" Her eyes wide opened, Olivia could barely believe this, how could she betray her like that? She was so hurt that she pushed Amanda away and took a step back.

"Because I know Lisa and the only way for her to get the message is if I tell her face to face that I'm seeing someone, that it's serious and that I have no desire to play her games. Trust me if I cut her off, she'll either barge in here or at my place and things could get ugly." She couldn't win this. No matter what choice she'd make, Olivia would get hurt and Lisa would win and cause the trouble she seemed to be living for.

"Then, let her come. I'm not scared of her, I can take her anytime." Olivia wasn't scared of facing Lisa and if things were to become physical, then so be it, Amanda was worth fighting for.

"I know you could possibly knock her down with one hand behind your back and your eyes closed but that's not what I'm talking about Liv. Lisa, she...she has a way of getting into people's head and put thoughts in there, thoughts that you would never be able to unsee and considering everything she knows about me, I'd rather avoid a confrontation." Olivia knew her in more intimates way than Lisa ever did and ever will but there was still a lot of her past that she had not come clean with and she wished she'd do so on her own terms, with her own words, not the words of her obsessive, manipulative ex.

"Oh Amanda, what ever she has or thinks she has on you, doesn't matter. God, you know things about me I would not even talk to a therapist about. I know we all have a dark side, and if mine hasn't scared you away, I doubt that yours will scare me away, okay?" Olivia had this image of Amanda, she saw her as a strong headed, bright, compassionate, extremely supportive woman but there was so much about her she had yet to discover but what ever her flaws were, they would never come in the way of their great romance, or so she hoped.

"I never cheated on her or anything like that but there are so many things I have done after we broke up, including being weak enough to hook up with her multiple times, that I wish you'd never find out about. It's not that I want to keep things from you, it's just I'm afraid that you won't trust me much afterwards." Amanda could not bring herself to look Olivia in the eyes, the tears were streaming down her face, Lisa had already won.

"Oh sweetheart, are you talking about you sleeping with all those women or your gambling problem? Because I already know about all this and what matters is the person you are today and I happen to be very found of that person. " Oliva sighed as she pulled Amanda back in her arms, she wasn't about to let Lisa win and tear them appart, not now, not ever.

"Yeah, but you don't know half of it. Look Liv, you have to trust me. I know you think that by meeting her, I'm taking the bait, that I'm letting her get into my head, but you're wrong. I have never been so certain of anything my entire life. My life is with you, I know that for a fact and I need her to know that. I need to put the past behind me, so I can look towards the future and build it with you." Amanda's eyes were shining with tears, she had never been so sincere in her entire life.

"You need closure?"

"Yes and I need her to know that she can not get to me anymore."

"Alright then. I trust you, I just hope you're gonna manage to get rid of her for good but if you don't, I'll be right there with you to fight her. I promise, we're in this together." As deep as Olivia's insecurities were, she had no doubt about Amanda's desire to get rid of Lisa, she knew that this woman had nothing to offer her and did not consider her as a threat to their relationship, but she was afraid of the emotional fall out following their meeting. She had a feeling that Lisa wouldn't go without a fight and that if she couldn't break them appart, she wouldn't leave without damaging Amanda. Unfortunately, this was Amanda's fight, the closure she so desperately needed and she knew that she'd have to stay by her side and be ready to pick up the pieces if needed.

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So, what do you think? Has Amanda made the right choice by being completely honest with her about her past post break up hooks up with Lisa?

It's crazy, I think that Amanda needs to be honest with Olivia, thus taking the risk to make her feel insecure(cause Liv might be afraid that since Amanda seems to have made a habit of hooking with her ex, that she might be tempted to do so again) to actually reinforce Olivia's trust in her...

To be honest, I had not planned to write Lisa as a manipulative bitch but since I needed her to bring some drama, I guess I had no choice. I also had not planned on hinting towards Amanda's dark side so soon either, but it felt right in that context and I'm hoping to develop that a bit later.

I'm still working on the next chapter. I'm wondering if I should write Lisa and Amanda's encounter or just skip it and have Amanda tell Liv about it...What I know for sure though is that next chapter could be a good opportunity for Liv to reflect on their first month of relationship and to insert a few flash backs on that period I chose to skip..

I guess I'll figure things out when I start writing it.


	16. Confrontation

**Chapter 16: **

**Confrontation : **

Later that day, after finishing her shift, Amanda walked to Joe's, the bar situated a block from the precinct. It was only eight pm, but the place was already filled with customers, mostly cops. Stepping into the bar, pulling the zipper of her leather jacket up, Amanda roamed her eyes around the room until she finally spotted Lisa, sitting at a table about fifteen feet from her.

"Hey, glad you could make it." Lisa said, smiling as she invited Amanda to join her.

"Yeah, we had a relatively quiet day at work." Amanda nervously replied as she sat on the other side of the table without going through the trouble of taking her jacket off. She was here to listen to what Lisa had to say and to set the record straight and the less comfortable she got, the less Lisa would think she was willing to stay late.

"Well, I know the occasions to go home early are rare in your line of work, so I will be brief. Here, I ordered you a beer." Lisa had not seen Amanda since she had moved to New-York over a year ago but she immediately noticed that something had changed in her. It was in her eyes, in her soul and little she knew she about to find out just how much she had changed.

"Thanks, but I'm not here to drink or even socialize, we've been down that road before and I'm only here to set the record straight. I know I have been weak in the past, but things have changed, I have changed." The last thing Amanda wanted was to be rude or to provoke Lisa, but she needed to set things straight right away in order to keep Lisa from dragging things for hours.

"I knew there was something different the minute you walked towards this table. You're seeing someone?" Lisa was of a too confident nature to worry about Amanda's current relationship, it had never been a problem before and whether Amanda was dating someone or not, she had always managed to seduce her but what the blonde did not know was that Lisa had no intention to seduce her tonight.

"Yes, it's pretty recent but I think we're building something strong that I see lasting." Amanda looked into Lisa's eyes and was surprised not to find the flame, that veyr specific, competitive look her ex had when she was trying to seduce someone.

"I'm happy for you and I'm not here to try to jeopardize that." Lisa's voice was low,calm, warm even, she seemed sincere.

"You're not? Wait...are you in trouble? Do you need me as a Detective?" Hearing Lisa's statement and seeing the sincerity in her eyes, Amanda was completely lost. Why had she asked her to meet up if she wasn't planning on seducing her?

"No, I'm a lawyer and my firm has investigators along with important ressources if I ever need help, though you're the one I'd go to if I ever did something really bad. But no, don't worry, I'm not in any kind of bad situation. I just have something to tell you. It's only gonna take a couple of minutes and afterwards you'll be free to go home to your girlfriend." Now, Lisa's voice was slightly trembling and she could feel her throat tightening. She had prepared that speech the way she usually prepared her opening and closing arguments in court and while she knew that she could be completely honest with Amanda, she felt more nervous than she ever felt pleading in front of any judge.

"Yeah, okay. Just breath okay, I know our relationship is not what it was ten years ago, but I'm still me and you're still you and the one thing that made us great as a couple was that we could always talk, so just let it out." Ten years had passed and their last few encounters had not been as sincere or eloquent as this one and the two women had almost forgotten how to communicate with each other.

"Alright. Well, I know you never resented me for breaking up with me because you understood my desire to explore my options, to play the fields, to see what was out there and I'll always be grateful that you respected my decision. God, I regretted my decision the minute I broke up with you but I knew that I would not manage to hold my desires inside much longer and it wasn't fair to you to stay knowing I would end up hurting you just because I still loved you despite those desires." Clearing her throat, Lisa was avoiding eye contact, this was much harder than she had expected.

"I know and looking back it was extremely honest of you to break up me knowing that if you'd stayed you'd end up hurting me." As terrible as it was, Amanda meant every word. She knew that if Lisa had stayed with her, she would have probably started fooling around with other women and that they would have ended up resented each other. Breaking up was the wise choice at the time.

"Yes, unfortunately because I never stopped loving you, I was unable to stay away from you and every time we ran into each other, all I could think about was to win you back. Unfortunately my desire for independence and sexual freedom had not changed. I realize now that it wasn't fair to you to seduce you and dump you once my desires resurfaced. But things are different now, I'm different. I know I can't possibly ask you to forgive me for everything I put you through, but I'd like to try."

"What are you saying?" This sudden amount of sincerity destabilised Amanda, she had prepared herself to hear Lisa give her the usual speech she had given her too many time, but she had not expected her ex girlfriend to be so apologetic.

"I'm saying that I'm done playing and fooling around. I'm ready to settle down, to start a family and when I think about it, you're the only person I can see myself doing all that. I know you're seeing someone and that you're getting serious, but so I am. I'm not going to cause any drama, don't worry, but I'm willing to do anything you'd need me to do to prove to you that I'm sincere." Lisa's eyes were filled up with tears, her heart was racing, for the first time in almost ten years, she was completely sincere.

"You don't need to do anything. You never really played with me, I mean, everytime we hooked up, I knew that it wouldn't be nothing more than a one night stand because you never lead me on, you were always very clear about what your intentions were, so I know you're sincere but it still doesn't change the fact that's I'm not available." If Lisa had come to her a year ago, Amanda might have considered giving her a second change, but she was in love with Olivia and nothing could ever change that, not even her first love.

"I understand, well you have my number if you change your mind." Unwilling to humiliate herself by begging Amanda, Lisa rapidly stood up and left the bar, tears streaming down her cheeks.

Half an hour later, Amanda was finally home and was eager to climb in bed with her beloved girlfriend. What had just happened was so surreal that she needed a good night of sleep to think it over, not that she wanted to reconsider her decision though.

"You're home! How did it go?" While it was a week day, Olivia and Amanda had agreed that the brunette deserved an immediate debriefing of Amanda and Lisa's meeting and she had let herself in her girlfriend's appartement and settled in her bed.

"Well, I did not see this coming though." Amanda took her jacket and shoes off and climbed in bed next to Olivia.

"What happened?" Olivia had spent the past two hours pacing in Amanda's appartement, worrying, hoping Lisa would not make a move on her because she knew she did not have it in her to let her get away with it.

"She did not try to seduce me. She told me she was done playing and fooling around and that she was ready to settle down and that she wanted to do so with me." Amanda knew that she should have been more careful with her choice of words, but she was still in shock and unable to think before speaking.

"How did you react when you told her you were in a relationship?"

"She told me that she had no intention of coming between us or of causing any drama, she told me I could call her if I changed my mind and just left. She just seemed resigned, defeated. I had never seen her like this." Even everything Lisa had done to her, Amanda still feel sorry for her, she had loved her once and couldn't wish her any pain.

"And you actually believed that she was sincere after all the time she played you?" Oliva could not believe that Amanda could be so naive, not after the multiple times she had deceived her.

"That's the thing Liv, she never played with me. Everytime we hooked up, I knew it was only a one night stand, she was actually pretty straight forward about it and never tried to trick me by misleading just to seduce me, so I know she's sincere." Once again, Amanda did not consider her choice of words before speaking.

"Oh, my god, you're actually tempted to take her up on her offer, aren't you?" It was written all over Amanda's face, while she was in bed with her, she was still thinking about Lisa and Liv could tell that she wished their encounter had lasted longer.

"What? No, I'm just a bit unsettled by her change of attitude and I'm just wondering what motivated such a drastic change. I have not feelings for her what so ever, okay?" Snapping out of her pensive state, Amanda reached out to kiss Olivia but it was too late, the brunette was already out od bed.

"Come on Amanda, it's written all over your face, you're in bed with me, but you're thinking about her. She got to you, to your head and heart. If you're so curious, why don't you call her? I'm sure she won't mind coming over here." Olivia could barely believe it. After all they had been through, all the promises they had exchanged, Amanda had fell for Lisa's tricks. She couldn't be in the same room as her, otherwise she might end up doing or saying something she'd regret, so she grabbed her jacket, shoes and stormed off Amanda's appartement without looking back or giving time to the blonde to follow her.

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That was short but intense, wasn't it?

I know most of you expected Lisa to cause some major drama but what's the fun in giving you what you expect?

I figured that making Lisa solely interested in sex wouldn't be interesting because Liv knows Amanda isn's after that. But on the other hand, I thought that giving Lisa sincere feelings and good intentions would awake Liv's insecurities resurface because she's not scared of Amanda cheating on her, she's scared of Amanda falling in love with someone else, someone who can provide her with all the things she's not and might never be ready to provide her with.

What do you think about Amanda's explanation? Did she appear absent minded and pensive because she was wondering about Lisa's change of attitude or is she tempted to take Lisa back? Was Liv right to storm out of her apartment like that? Does she have reasons to be insecure?

Next chapter will picture both Amanda and Liv reflecting on tonight's events!

As usual feedback is more than welcome! I wrote this chapter in about an hour and a half so it's far from being perfect but please be nice :).


	17. Letting her go

**Chapter 17 :**

**Letting her go :**

Amanda sat there on her bed, powerless as she watched Olivia walk away, she wanted to run after, to explain to her that she had misinterpreted her but she couldn't, her legs had abandoned her and her throat was tightening around her vocal cords, making it impossible to even mutter her to stay.

It was only when she heard the door slamming behind Olivia that Amanda was able to snap out of this almost catatonic state.

"What have I done?" Amanda was now siting on the edge of her bed, she was holding her head between her knees and rocking her body back and forth.

Now that she had regained full control over her body, Amanda only had one obsession : to make things right with Olivia.

Part of her knew that the best thing to do was to let Olivia cool down and wait until the next day to try to talk to her, but she just couldn't bring herself to leave her girlfriend in pain, knowing she would replay their conversation over and over, trying to make sense of it.

So against her better judgement, Amanda grabbed her car keys, jumped into her car and drove to Olivia's appartement. Both hands clenched around the steering wheel, Amanda started to replay their conversation, remembering every word when it suddenly hit her : while she had no intention of re-igniting the flame between her and Lisa, her body language might have suggested otherwise. Lisa's confession and change in behaviour had shocked her to her point where she had found herself unable to filter her language and her pensive demeanour might have given the impression that she was indeed considering taking Lisa on her offer but she truly wasn't. Amanda was deeply in love with Olivia and while she was glad that Lisa had decided to stop fooling around, she knew that it was too late for them and she could only hope that the mutual trust and love they had build over the past year would be stronger than Olivia's insecurities.

At the other side of town, Olivia finally arrived to her appartement and after tossing her keys on the kitchen counter, walked towards the sink and reached for the bottle of vodka she kept in the cupboard above it.

Grabbing a glass as she walked towards the living room, she poured herself a large amount of the poison before allowing herself to fall back on the couch.

Olivia wasn't like her mother, she sure enjoyed a couple of beers here and there and an occasional glass of wine when she was out on a date but she was not a alcoholic. Unfortunately at that precise moment, all she wanted was to forget about what had happened and she was determined to shove enough vodka down her throat to knock her down until the next morning.

"_I can't really blame her. That girl Lisa has more to offer than I probably ever will. Unlike me she seems sure of what she wants and she's not afraid to ask for it. I love Amanda, I'm actually in love with her but for some reason, I'm still unable to let go of the past and I don't know how long it's gonna take for me to be able to give myself to her 100% to her. She deserves better than waiting for a woman who's so fucked up that she doesn't know if she's ever gonna get better. She deserves to be with someone who can commit to her, who can marry her, buy a nice house in the suburbs with her and give her three kids and Lisa can give her all that. The past month has been the more incredible journey of my life and while I slowly feel that my barriers are coming down, I couldn't possibly ask her to continue to be patient with me, not when someone she has so much history with is trying to win her back. Because regardless of how hard she tries to minimize it, Lisa and her have history, Lisa was the first woman she ever fell in love with, the first she made love with and she wanted to spend the rest of her life with her. Maybe what happened tonight is a good thing and instead of breaking up in a year, we can end things now and maybe remain friends before she realizes that I'm not good enough for her and decides to dump me, because that's inevitable. One day, she's gonna wake up and realize she wasted months of her life, loving, supporting someone who's unable to love herself and to commit to her the way she deserves and I sure as hell won't let her resent me once she realizes that. I have to let her go now, before we get attached to each other to a point where a separation would leave permanent scars_." Strangely, Olivia wasn't crying, she had been expected that day ever since they had started dating, the day where someone better than her would offer Amanda everything she couldn't and as hurt as she was by the idea of losing her, Olivia was grateful to have had the chance to be with her, to have tasted that happiness, that feeling of finally being complete. Not only Amanda loved her unconditionally but she accepted her with her flaws and that darkness that had slowly taken over her life. She never judged her and seemed confident that regardless of how bad things might become, she would never lay a hand on her. She had let herself go completely in Amanda's arms several times and the only thing she remembered seeing and feeling was love, not fear, but true and pure love and she'd cherish that memory for the rest of her life.

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Hi guys, I know this chapter is transitional and that nothing major happened but I wanted Olivia to reflect on the situation and on her feelings before facing Amanda(and since I love teasing you, I decided to end it here.) I hope you can forgive me for delivering such a poorly written piece. I promise that next chapter will be worth sticking around. Amanda and Liv's confrontation is going to be intense and I promise to do my best to deliver something good!


	18. The rest of our lives

**Hello guys, well I don't know if it's very wise of me to post this today(since most of you must be celebrating Thanksgiving) but since this chapter, was written, I figured I should upload it! Happy Thanksgiving!**

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**Chapter 18 :**

**The rest of our lives : **

Half an hour later, Amanda who had chosen to drive safely, was finally standing in front of Olivia's door. Despite knowing her girlfriend better than anyone, Amanda had no idea of how to apprehend the situation. Olivia had left her appartement angry and she could only hope that she had had time to calm down, knowing that if she had not, she'd have to face the brunette's anger. While she knew exactly what Olivia was capable of and how devastating a sudden burst of anger could be and how it could damage their relationship for ever, she was willing to take every blow Olivia would send her.

"Come on Amanda, you can do this." Amanda said to herself as she took a deep breath before knocking on Olivia's door.

"Don't tell me has the nerve to show up here." If anything, Amanda was a very stubborn and persistent woman and while Olivia had mostly been grateful that her girlfriend possessed such a trait, tonight was not one of those moment where the blonde could make everything better just by professing her love and support.

Unfortunately, Amanda persisted on knocking on the door, begging to open it until Olivia couldn't take it anymore and finally gave in.

"Hey, Am I waking you up?" It only took a second for Amanda to understand that she was not welcomed and that she'd have to fight if she wanted Olivia to listen to what she had to say.

"No, come in but what ever you have to say, please be quick, I'm tired." Turning her back on Amanda as she walked back towards the couch, Olivia was partially curious to listen to what the blonde had to say. Part of her was hoping that she had misinterpreted Amanda's attitude and body language and that she would, one more time, find the words to make her feel safe and confident in their relationship.

"Okay, well. I'm sorry about what happened. I know that I should have filtered myself better but I was overwhelmed by what had just happened and if my words or body language made it seems like I still have feelings for Lisa, then I'm sorry." Amanda followed Olivia to the living room and saw the bottle of vodka on the coffee table and the glass in Olivia's hand. She knew that the brunette had arrived home a few minutes before she did and that she couldn't be drunk, but the thought of her Olivia feeling compelled to drink to forget what had happened, just broke her heart.

"Yeah, I might have over reacted but I can't possibly blame you for being tempted to give Lisa a chance. She's obviously in a place in her life where she's ready to settle down and the two of you have history. She's offering you what you always wanted to have with her, I can't stand in the way of that." Olivia was sitting on the couch, her head down, looking inside her half empty glass. She was tired, so tired and didn't have it in her to fight.

"Olivia, did I feel that she was the woman I was going to marry and having children with when we were dating and did I keep on hoping she would come around everytime we hooked up? Yes, I did, but things are different now. I'm different. It took me years to come to terms with the fact that Lisa and I weren't meant to be together but I did. Liv, look at me." Amanda was now sitting on the coffee table, she could see that Olivia was doing her best to avoid eye contact, so to try to make her look at her in the eyes, she took the glass away from her, kneeled in front of her and grabbed both her hands.

"I have nothing to offer you. Up until now I tried to fool myself into thinking that I was making progress and that it was it was already an achievement in itself but it's not enough. I don't know how long it's going to take me to be ready to heal and to become the woman you deserve." She wanted to be Amanda's life partner so badly, and she had been trying to hard, but the amount of wounds she had to close seemed to great for her to succeed.

"You already are. That's what you don't seem to understand. As much as I want to help you heal and put your past behind her, there is nothing in your personality that I would want you to change. You're the kindest, bravest, strongest person I have ever met in my entire life and when I look into your eyes, I don't see a woman who's damaged beyond repair, but a survivor, someone who never gave up but most importantly I see the only woman I have even been with who can make me feel so loved, cared for and safe. Liv, when I look into your eyes, I see the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with, so don't worry about not progressing fast enough. I'm right here and I'm not going anywhere." As Amanda gently cupped Olivia's cheek with her right hand, the tears started to stream down her face. As much as she loved Olivia, it wasn't until that very precise moment that she finally realized that the brunette was indeed the love of her life, and it had taken her to almost lose her to realize it.

"I just..." Olivia could barely talk, once again Amanda's sincerity had hit its target and slowly, as she felt the blonde gently stroking her face, she started to relax before finally giving up fighting.

"Shhh, everything is going to be okay. I promise, we have the rest of our lives to figure things out." Pulling Olivia in her arms, Amanda joined her on the couch. She knew that this wouldn't be the last time she'd have to profess her unconditional love to her girlfriend, that her insecurities were so great that she'd need to be constantly reminded that, despite what she seemed to believe, she was indeed good enough for her and that she deserved to have her happy ending and she was determined to give in to her, no matter how long or what It would take. Amanda Rollins was in love with Olivia and she would spend the rest of her life showing, proving it to her because she knew that without her, her life wouldn't be worth living.

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I hope you enjoyed this chapter and that it managed to make up for the disaster that the previous chapter was. It was short but intense and I think Amanda and Olivia are slowly building their relationship and I'm quite satisfied by the pace I chose.

I know you're all waiting to see Olivia meet Amanda's sister and mother but before I make that happen, I have an important chapter to write, I want them to take a very important step together, and no it's not sex, not yet but something really symbolic and that is gonna require Olivia to gather all her strength and confidence.

So stay tuned!

As always comments are always welcome.


	19. The next step

**Chapter 19 : **

**The next step : **

After holding each other for another thirty minutes, Amanda and Liv slowly made their way to the bedroom, they were both physically and emotionally exhausted and needed to rest before going back to work the next day.

"Do you still want me to meet your mom and sister?" Olivia was lying on her back, she had put on her favorite pair of pyjama and felt completely comfortable and warm in her bed with Amanda in her arms.

"Well, now that they know you agreed to meet them, there is nothing neither you or me can do to avoid this dinner, trust me, even if we're caught on a case, they'll still find a way to bring the turkey to the precinct." Amanda was comfortably settled in Olivia's arms, her head resting on her chest and while the temperature outside was very low, she was perfectly warm in that cocoon they had created in Olivia's bed.

"Damn, they really want to meet me then, I hope I won't disappoint them." Olivia had been dating for the past 25 years but had never met any of her previous lover's parents and she had no idea how she was supposed to behave.

"Don't worry about it, just be yourself and I promise that they're gonna love you. Actually, they already do." Amanda's relationship with her mother was so different than the one Olivia shared with hers and she was hoping that the brunette would consider her as the mother she never had because she knew just how much her mother could give her.

"Why do I get the feeling that you might have slightly exaggerated things?"

"No, I was honest and did not picture our relationship or you as perfect, and while I haven't told her about your past or any of the dark feelings you shared with me, she knows that I'm helping you work through some things and that our relationship is a work in progress. She doesn't need you to be perfect Liv, she already knows how happy you make me and all she needs to know is that you're gonna continue to respect and love me, nothing more, so just relax, okay?" Amanda didn't want to upset Olivia but she knew that while her mother knew how happy the brunette made her, she'd want to see it for herself and to get a better idea of who the Detective was and if she was worthy of her daughter's love and that wouldn't be an easy task.

"You're right. Actually, I was thinking about something I would want us to do before they arrive." Olivia had been considering this ever since Amanda and her had started dating and while it was such a big decision to make, she felt that if she was ready to meet Amanda's family, taking this step should be considered too.

"Tell me." Hearing the sudden seriousness in Olivia's voice, Amanda slightly raised her head.

"I think we should come clean about our relationship at work." Without considering them for a second, Olivia allowed the words slip out of her mouth, she had been thinking about this long enough and was completely confident that it was the right thing to do.

"I...Are you sure? I mean coming out to your family and friends is a big step and since we work together it could have some serious repercussions on both our careers." Up until now, the subject of Liv's coming out had not been brought out and Amanda was certainly not pushing her towards taking that step.

"Yes, I am. I know I struggled to admit my feelings for you to myself but it had nothing to do with you being a woman, and besides you've heard those rumours about me and Alex, every one already assume that I'm gay so it shouldn't come as a big surprised." Olivia was trying to minimise how difficult the process of accepting of her newly found sexuality had been. Feeling that she might have been wrong all her life by dating men and that she might have saved herself a lot of pain if she had explore her sexuality earlier had not been an easy thing but she had chosen not to look back on that difficult period of her life. Every mistake she had ever made had brought her to Amanda after all and it was all that matter.

"Alright, then, if you feel that you're ready, I'll be glad to talk to the Captain and to Munch, Amaro and Fin. I'm gonna miss the thrill of sneaking around in the bathroom or the break room though..." Quite frankly Amanda could barely believe that Olivia was offering to come out to their team like that and couldn't help but admiring her strength and determination. Being public about their relationship showed her just how committed Olivia was to her and their relationship and after almost losing her only a few hours ago, it came as a relief and a sign that the brunette was ready to move forward.

"Well, just because we won't have to be afraid of getting caught, doesn't mean we have to stop sneaking around, but I agree with you, part of the thrill was caused by the fear of getting caught." The good thing that came with dating a younger woman was that Amanda was not only full of energy but she was also very playful and always find new exciting things for them to do and it made her feel at least 10 years younger.

"But aren't you afraid that Cragen might transfer me out of SVU? I mean it is against regulation for two people working in the same team to date and as important as you are to me, I have worked too hard and for too long to land at SVU and to lose this job now that I achieve my goal." Amanda loved Olivia with everything she got and if it came to that, she'd sacrifice her job at SVU to be with her but she was hoping she wouldn't have to.

"I know and I have waited to have another female Detective working with us for too long to do anything that would compromise that. Don't worry about it, Cragen has always had my back and besides, you're paired with Fin and I'm with Amaro most of the time so what ever might happen between us in the future shouldn't affect the team and the way we do our job." In the past both Olivia and El had crossed the line and Cragen could have either fired them or split them us so many times but he never did. He was the most loyal man she had ever met and she knew that if he had overlooked everything El and her and put him trough over the years, knowing she and Amanda were dating shouldn't bare any negative consequence and that he would be thrilled that she finally found someone.

"You mean if we ever break up?"

"Yeah, that would be an issue if you and I worked exclusively together the way El and I did, because breaking up and continuing working together as closely as El and I were could be terribly uncomfortable, but we don't and besides, Cragen always puts the interest of the team first and you my dear, are a priceless asset to this team and I'm pretty sure he'd do anything to keep you, just like I would, you know that right?" Just an hour ago, she was willing to let Amanda go and to give up on them, but holding her, looking deep into her big eyes, knowing she had forgiven her once again for allowing her fear to get the best of her, there was no way in hell she'd let anything come between them ever again.

"Yes, I do." Hearing Olivia's voice slightly shaking as she said those words, Amanda gently slid on top of her and pressed her lips against hers.

"How can you trust me to fight for us when I was willing to give up on us just an hour ago?" Olivia replied as their lips parted.

"You weren't giving up on us, you were just overwhelmed and lost and it was my fault and I promise that I will never put you in a situation where you wouldn't know where we stand." Amanda knew that Olivia's self confidence was still very low and that the smallest incident could make her lose faith in herself and in their relationship and that she could not afford to be insensitive ever again. While she needed to always be completely honest with her, she also needed to watch her language and her actions if she wanted Olivia to continue to build up her self confidence and for the mutual trust to continue to get stronger.

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Alright guys, so what do you think of Liv's idea? I think it was time for them to act like adults and to come clean with Cragen. I know that I could have continued this chapter and write about the actually meeting with Cragen but I wanted to have your input first. How do you think he, Fin, Munch and Amaro are gonna react? Will being public help Olivia step in their relationship for good? Or will she feel so pressured to make their relationship work because she knows that every one will be watching them that she might end up making a few big mistakes?


	20. Family

20 Chapters! I can't believe that I have managed to write 20 chapters! When i started this story, I suspected that considering this ship was fairly new, I would struggle to find readers willing to read and comment it! Fortunately, against all odds, this ship is more popular than I thought, so thank you guys for the support, I don't know if I have another 20 chapters in me but as long as I feel your support I will keep writing until the inspiration leaves me completely!

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**Chapter 20 :**

**Family : **

The next morning both Olivia and Amanda woke up around 7, took a quick and rather silent breakfast and drove to the station.

While the two women had no doubt that coming clean about the nature of their relationship was the right thing to do, both of them remained quiet during the entire car and elevator ride .

"We don't have to do this if you're not ready, okay?" Just a few seconds before the elevator reached the squad room, Amanda pressed the emergency button. She needed a few seconds to gather her thoughts and to make sure that Olivia was perfectly comfortable with what they were about to do.

"I know, and I'm completely ready, so don't worry about it. I don't know if the time is right or not but I just can't hide our relationship anymore, my team is my family and I can't continue lying to them. And besides, I need people to know you're spoken for." While Olivia never doubted Amanda's loyalty and actually found it amusing to see those women trying to seduce her, Olivia couldn't help but having this visceral need to make a statement to the entire world : Amanda was spoken for and from now on, every woman who would try to get their ways despite being well aware of that fact would have to answer to her.

"I see, well, I hope women won't stop hitting on me just because they know we're together, because I do love see you being jealous, it's very sexy." Smiling at she snaked her arms around Olivia's waist, Amanda couldn't help but feeling a little aroused by Olivia's desire to affirm ownership over her. Up until now, whenever they'd go out and someone(male or female) would approach them and try to get her number, Olivia would always remain calm because they weren't out but now that they were, Amanda knew Olivia would never let anyone look at her inappropriately ever again and it somehow aroused her to a point she never thought was possible.

"Don't tempt me okay?" Shaking her head, Olivia pushed Amanda against the control panel to kiss her, causing the elevator to continue its course towards the squadroom.

When the doors finally opened, both women took a deep breath and walked towards the squadroom where Fin, Munch and Amaro were already working, sitting at their desks.

"Morning everyone, is Cragen in her office?" While she tried to remain confident that Cragen would support them and would not transfer Amanda out of SVU, Olivia couldn't help but being nervous. She knew her team had no problem with gays and lesbians and that Fin and Much in particular, after all these years of watching her being the loneliest woman they probably ever met, would be happy that she'd finally found happiness. What made her so nervous was to share a part of her private life with her team, to let them in, because after almost 14 years working together, putting their lives in each hands, there was still a lot she had not shared with them.

"Yes, he arrived about 15 minutes ago, are you guys okay?" Fin had been Olivia's partner for almost 13 years and knew her better than she'd wish and while he had only been Amanda's partner for a little a year, watching her standing next to Olivia's, biting her bottom lip, he could sense that something was bothering both of them.

"Yeah, we just need to talk to him, we'll be back." Swallowing hard, Olivia sent one last look at Amanda as a way of asking her if she was ready one last time and as the blonde smiled back at her, started to walk towards Cragen's office.

While the two women were extremely nervous about what they were about to do, they were also proud of their relationship. After struggling for so long to admit their feelings to themselves and to each other and fighting to reach that place in their relationship where they'd feel comfortable enough to finally make their relationship public, here they were, standing in front of Cragen's office, looking into each other's eyes feeling an instant comfort because they knew that no matter would happen, they had each other and nothing could ever break them up.

"Morning Captain, do you have a minute?" Stepping into Cragen's office with Liv by her side, Amanda suddenly remembered coming to his office a few months back to confess having a gambling addiction and how supportive he had been ever since and she could only hope he'd be supportive of her relationship with Olivia as well.

"Sure, come in." Cragen had been Olivia's Captain for over 14 years and while he had not known Amanda that long, he was able to spot that look on her face, the same look Olivia had when she was in trouble.

"Well, Amanda and I have something to tell you." Trying to take deep breaths, Olivia looked at Amanda and gently reached out for the blonde's hand. She had no words to describe the situation and the most natural way to tell Cragen was to show him.

"Oh...how long?" Seeing the two women holding hands, Cragen sat up straight in his chair and put his serious face on. He knew Liv better than anyone else, and could only imagine how hard it must be for her not to come out as a lesbian but also to simply share a bit of her private life and he was determined to show her all the respect she deserved.

"About a month but we spent some time dancing around it before we actually decided to take that jump. Look Captain, I know that dating someone within the team is against regulation and that it's your prerogative to transfer one of us and that since I have only been here for a year, I'd be the one to get transfered but I'd like you to consider things very carefully before you make that decision. I love my job and I know I'm good at it and Olivia are both grown women and we're mature enough to separate our professional from personal life and I can assure you that no matter how things will evolve between us, that our job won't be impacted." Slightly squeezing Olivia's hand, Amanda looked Cragen straight in the eye to defend her case. As much as loved Olivia, her job was also very important to her and she was willing to do everyone in her power to secure her position at SVU.

"Well, I think we'll all agree that dating your partner can be tricky because if you ever break up and things are ended badly, the entire efficiency of the team can be compromised but on the other hand if you're too close and you find yourselves in a dangerous situation, you might end up losing your objectivity and make the wrong choice." The truth was that Cragen had already made his decision but he still needed to have a serious talk with both women and that last comment was adressed to Olivia.

"I know what you're referring to and trust me, what happened with Eliot won't happen here." Olivia never doubted Amanda's strength and confidence and her ability to fight for what she held dear and after watching her standing up for their relationship, she felt it was her turn to step up and make a clear statement.

"What happened with Eliot?" Olivia did not talk about Eliot at all and while Amanda was very curious about him, he had been his partner for 13 years after all, she knew the brunette was still recovering and knew better than pushing her to talk about him.

"A few years back, a child was abducted. Eliot and I managed to lure the molester to come to us but he took me hostage and cut my neck before pushing me on the ground. Despite the fact that the perp had the child with him, Eliot made the decision not to run after him immediately and to check up on me first. Unfortunately by the time he finally caught up to the guy, the child was dead and the perp was long gone. " That incident that had happened 5 years ago, had marked an important moment in their relationship and had pushed Olivia to ask for a transfer so she could reflect on their partner ship and determine if they could find a way to avoid that kind of incident or if they were too close to work together.

"Oh…I'm sorry, but Captain, Liv and I don't work as closely as she did with Eliot. I mean Fin is my partner and Amaro is hers, so whether we end up breaking up or whether we continue dating until we both retire, shouldn't impact our jobs." As much as she'd like to hate Eliot for making a choice that had caused a child's death, Amanda knew that given the same choice, she would have made the same decision.

"And we're gonna keep it that way." While keeping his composure Cragen was impressed by the confidence Amanda was showing, her who only a few months ago was still struggling with her addiction. She had come a long way and punishing her for finally settling down into a normal life would be unfair.

"Does that mean you have our backs on this?" Olivia asked, surprised that she and Amanda wouldn't have to argue their case further than this.

"You've known me for the past 14 years Olivia and I have always had your back and I'm not gonna stop now and punish either for you for something that should be celebrated." After knowing Olivia for so long, seeing her desire to have a family but being unable to make her dream come true, Cragen had started to fear that she had given up and lost faith, especially after Eliot had left, but seeing her holding Amanda's hands with stars in her eyes, he knew that she was finally getting her happy ending, and he couldn't be prouder or happier.

"Okay, thanks Captain, come on Liv, we have to tell the rest of guys." Not giving time to Cragen to change his mind, Amanda dragged Olivia out of his office and towards their desks.

"How did it go with Cragen, he didn't fire you, did he?" Fin was sitting at his desk and the second he saw the two women holding hands, understood what this impromptu meeting was about.

"No, actually guys, Amanda and I have something to tell you." Her confidence boosted by Cragen's acceptance and positive reaction, Olivia had no doubt that this was the right thing to do.

"Ah, don't sweat it Liv, we know." Munch replied, shaking his head.

"You know?" Without even realizing it, Amanda was still holding Olivia's hand and wondered how they could have known, god knows they had always been discrete.

"Well, the two of you are holding hands and the way you were looking at each other in Cragen's office was pretty clear. We're all Detectives here, remember?" Amaro might have not been Liv's partner as long as Fin or Cragen but he thought highly of her and after his own marriage had collapsed, seeing is partner happy came as a slight comfort, maybe a relationship was possible while doing this job after all.

"Right...Well...we haven't been dating for that long but we thought that coming clean to Cragen about our relationship was the best thing to do." Olivia wasn't a woman of many words and she was relieved that she wouldn't have to make a long, tiring speech to justify or explain something she couldn't explain to herself.

"And by the look of your face, I guess he's not transferring Amanda out?" Fin knew Cragen too well to suspect that he would do such a thing but if he had, he would have done everything in his power to change his mind.

"No, he's not. Amanda pointed out that she was paired with you most of the time and that I was paired with Amaro and that our work shouldn't be impacted by our relationship and I made it very clear that what happened with Eliot a few years back wouldn't happen and that we were mature enough to separate our professional and personal lives." Standing there, holding Amanda's hand, Olivia suddenly felt more confident than she had ever felt before. There was no shame, no discomfort to know that people were looking at them. That team was her family and they were proving once again that they were more worthy of the title than the few people she shared DNA with.

"Wait, does that mean you're spending thanksgiving with Amanda's family?" Fin asked.

"We're both on call but if things are slow, yeah, we're hoping to have dinner together." Amanda replied, smiling, knowing just how nervous Olivia was to meet her mother.

"Well, I don't want to be pessimistic but I hope you catch a case because I remember the first time I met my mother in law, and you can't imagine what I had to do to convince her to let me date her daughter, so good luck with that." Amaro's marriage might have collapsed but he was lucky enough to have the week end off so he could spend Thanksgiving with his daughter.

"Oh yeah, I know I never won my mother in law over, so good luck Liv, really." Fin's relationship with his son had dramatically improved over the years and he was about to celebrate Thanksgiving with him and his fiance who was still recovering from the attack.

That morning, against all odds, the team shared memories about their respectives in laws, which was unfortunately not comforting Olivia. What comforted her though, was to know that they were all perfectly fine with her being a lesbian and the simple idea of finally being herself lifted a huge weight off her shoulders. There was no reason for her to hide who she truly was or to deny herself that happiness Amanda was offering her. For the first time in her life, Olivia was finally looking towards the future with confidence, knowing that she had everything she needed, right here, right now : a job she adored, a team that she considered like family and most important a partner she could see herself grow old with. Yes, for the first time in her life, Olivia Benson wasn't alone anymore and that alone was something to be thankful for.

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Hey guys! Well, I hope you enjoyed this chapter. I figured that a long speech would be out of character and that just showing them they were dating would be more natural.

I'm sensing a decrease in interest but don't worry Thanksgiving is coming and it's gonna be both dramatic and hilarious!

PS : I might not update every two days from now on, you guys deserve the best and I think I should take more time to write and try not to rush the process!


	21. Meeting Amanda's family

Hey guys! I know I said I would take my time from now on to write quality chapters but I actually found myself pretty inspired, don't worry though, I took my time so it's not rushed and I'm sure you're gonna love it!

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**Chapter 21 :**

**Meeting Amanda's family.**

Today was the day Olivia had been apprehending ever since Amanda and her had started dating, it was the day she was meeting the blonde's sister and mother. The two women had been dating for about five week and had spent every single free minute they had getting to know each other better. One thing that Olivia had not anticipated was how talkative her girlfriend was and just how many happy childhood memories she had to share and they often spend entire evenings cuddled in bed, Amanda telling her about her basket ball games, her family's camping trips or holidays spent together. Listening to Amanda sharing her, sometimes embarrassing, childhood stories, Olivia realized just how different their upbringing had been. Unlike the blonde, she had no stories to share, or at least none that didn't involved her mother being drunk out of her ass, blaming her for everything bad that had ever happened to her.

As anxious as Olivia was to meet Amanda's mother, she was also excited to meet the woman who had raised her girlfriend to become the woman she was today and was extremely sad that she would never have the opportunity to meet her father and thank him for inspiring the blonde so much and for raising her to be that brave,selfless, smart woman.

While Olivia knew that Amanda's mother was a wonderful person and that she had already accepted their relationship, she was also convinced that because she was so close to her daughter and so involved in her life, she wouldn't resist this motherly and almost visceral need to make sure that she was good enough for Amanda. While Amanda assured her that her mother was the nicest lady on the planet and that she wouldn't treat her like a potential enemy, but that she would simply ask her a few questions to get to know her better, Olivia was completely overwhelmed by the simple thought of having to share details of her personal life with Dorothy. Despite being determined to show Dorothy just how much she loved Amanda and how committed she was to be the best person she could be for her, there was things she had no control over, like her relationship with her mother or the way she had brought into this world.

Olivia wasn't ashamed of being the product of her mother's rape anymore and had shared her story with her colleagues and, when she felt it would them, with a few victims but revealing that fact to her possible future mother in law wasn't something she was looking forward to. Unfortunately, she knew that even if Amanda had convinced her mother not to ask her private questions, she would probably ask her why had motivated her to work at SVU and she wouldn't have any other choice but to tell her the truth about what had driven her to seek justice for rape victims.

Olivia had spent her entire life trying not to despise who she was and to accept where she came from and to use it as a strength and a way of bounding with the victims she'd meet on a daily basis.

Unfortunately, while her personal situation had given her a unique perspective and an ability to feel for her victims and bond with them, working had SVU had made it extremely hard for her to resolve her issues. The more rapists she encountered, the more convinced she became that not only there was a genetic predisposition to crime but also that regardless how determined one is to break the cycle of violence, being raised in a violent environment made it very hard to become a healthy grown human being. Being a combination of bad DNA and violent education, Olivia had struggled her entire life to try to prove to herself that she was worth more than her genes or what her mother was convinced of.

Unfortunately until about a year ago, Olivia had failed miserably, and every though case, every bad relationship that had ended, only proved to her that her destiny had been written for her since the day she had been conceived and she had started to accept the thought of spending the rest of her life alone, avenging rape victims, as a way of paying for her father's sins.

Then Amanda came along and not only had she managed to slowly convince her that she was indeed worth more than her DNA, but she was destined for much more than the life she had trapped herself into for the past 20 years.

While Olivia was still working on fighting her dark thoughts and to allow Amanda in, she knew that tonight, in front of Dorothy, she would have to appear confident so she could convince her that regardless of what her life had been so far, she was on the road to recovery and that she would never let her past hurt Amanda.

It was now 4 pm and Olivia was siting at her desk, finishing a report, nervously checking her watch every five minutes so she wouldn't be late.

Thanksgiving was not until the next day but Dorothy and Adele were flying to New-York today and Amanda was on her way to pick them up at the airport and they had planned on meeting later at her place.

"So, are you nervous?" It had been three days since Amanda and Olivia had announced their relationship to the team and things had rapidly gone back to normal but Fin was still a little mad at the two women for not sharing earlier.

"No, not really, I'm trying to finish that report so I can go home early." The truth was that Olivia was terrified at the thought of spending the entire evening before Thanksgiving with Amanda's mother and sister because she feared they would cease this opportunity to try to get to know her better.

"I bet you're hoping for a case tomorrow so you won't have to spend Thanksgiving with your future mother in law." Here she was, the strong, fearless Detective Benson who never flinched when facing the worst rapists or serial killer and picturing his partner wetting her pants at the thought of meeting Amanda's mother was by far the most entertaining thought of the year.

"No, because if we catch a case, we're gonna have to work all night and I know how much Amanda is looking forward to this dinner. I know we're on call and that we should expect the worse to happen but I really hope nothing happens that would compromise our evening." Rolling her eyes, Olivia fell back on her chair. What did she get herself into? Why couldn't she date someone with no family, someone who wouldn't put her through the trouble of spending Thanksgiving the way she was about to?

"Don't worry about it, just be yourself and I'm sure they're gonna love you."

"Yeah, you know, regardless of how nervous how I am, I'm actually looking forward to it. I mean ever since my mother died, I always spent Thanksgiving or Christmas with you guys and for the first time, I'm going to celebrate it in the most traditional way." That was exactly what Amanda was bringing her, that no one had given her before : a family to bond with.

"I'm happy for you Liv, no one deserves a family more than you do. Be careful that she doesn't love you too much though, or she might bringing the M and possibly the C word up, if you know what I mean." Fin knew that Olivia had been aching for a family of a own for so long and was delighted that had finally met someone that could give her all that, but he was hoping Amanda would not get carried away because he knew that Liv still needed time before making that kind of commitment.

"I doubt that's gonna happen." And she was hoping it wouldn't. Up until now, Amanda and her had been doing things their own way, at their own pace and the last thing she wanted was to feel pressured to take things to the next level just because Amanda's mother wanted her first grand child.

Meanwhile, Amanda was driving back from the airport with her mother sitting next to her and her sister in the back seat.

"So, remember, Olivia is a very private person and she's never met any of her boyfriend's families, so please try to be at your best behaviour." The two women were sharing such a symbiotic relationship that despite being miles away, Amanda could almost feel Olivia's anxiety and was determined to use this trip back to the city to instruct her mother and sister on what behaviour would me considered as appropriate or not.

"Oh, come on Amanda, all your sister and I want is to get to know her better and besides you never introduced us to anyone since you broke up with Lisa, so this is pretty new for us too." Amanda's mother Dorothy had been listening her daughter talking about Olivia for over a year and the ride back from the airport was excruciating, she couldn't wait to meet that woman that had managed to make Amanda forget about Lisa.

"I know mom and that should tell you just how much she means to me, so please don't ruin it for me." Amanda wasn't afraid that her mother would not get along with Olivia, it was quite the opposite, she feared was that she might get too comfortable with the brunette and would try to get her to share more than she'd be willing ro ready for.

"Don't worry sis, I have her on a tight leash. We'll try to be warm and to welcome her into our family but we will try to resist the urge to interrogate her and let her divulge what ever she feels ready to share." Adele, Amanda's sister, was even more impatient to meet Oliva than their mother was. Dorothy might have been close to both their daughters but she had no idea just how long it had taken Amanda to get over Lisa and what she had endured every time the two of them had hooked up and she was delighted to know that she had finally had moved on and was eager to meet the woman she owed it to.

"Thank you. I know that not asking her anything is almost impossible, not if you don't want her to think you're hostile to our relationship but I'd really appreciate if you don't bring up certain subjects like her mother for instance."

"Don't worry Amanda, we know how much she means to you and we're not going to mess that up." Dorothy was almost 6o years old and despite being in perfect health, she was impatient to see her daughters settling down with spouses and for them to give her the grand children she had been dreaming about for so long. Strangely, Adele who was the troubled one never had any trouble dating and introducing her boyfriends to her and while she was still single Dorothy wasn't worried about not seeing her settling down. Amanda, on the other hand, ever since she had broken up with Lisa, had seemed to have surrounded herself with thick armour and that desire to protect herself from getting hurt had also kept her from feeling anything at all but now that she had met Olivia, Dorothy had a feeling that the armour was slowly shattering.

"Yes, she does. I realize we've only been dating for five weeks but I feel that we've been through so much before that and up until now and while I know we still have a lot to figure out, I can really see myself settling down with her." Years of dating her and then being deceived by Lisa had taught Amanda to be careful but she didn't want to anymore. She wanted to live her relationship fully, to lose herself in her without thinking about the worse that could happen and instead to enjoy what they had.

About an hour and half later, Amanda, Dorothy and Adele were finally arriving at her appartement, Olivia had offered for her to stay at her place while they there so she wouldn't have to sleep on the couch.

"Well, here we are, I haven't had time to change the sheets yet, so please sit down and relax, I'll take care of it." Walking towards her bedroom, Amanda took a quick look at her watch thinking Olivia should be here any minute.

"Okay..." Handing their luggage to the blonde, both Dorothy and Adele started to feel the anxiety filling up up Amanda's heart.

Walking towards her bedroom Amanda tried to take deep breaths and to convince herself that everything was going to be okay, that her mother and sister would see everything she saw in Olivia and that they would get alone just fine.

"Liv, what are you doing here?" Stepping into her bedroom, Amanda was surprised to see Olivia standing there, a pillow in her hand.

"Oh hey, I didn't hear you coming. I finished all my paperwork so I figured I'd come home early and prepare the bedroom." Olivia had her earphones in, the music calmed her down, and she had not heard the three women coming in.

"Thank you. Did you bring dinner by any chance?" Seeing Olivia's face instantly relieved Amanda of any anxiety and rushing into her strong, warm arms she had no doubt that everything would be just fine.

"I thought about getting some groceries but then I remembered how small your fridge is and that the turkey and the rest of our Thanksgiving dinner were taking every single inch of it." Olivia replied as she kissed Amanda's forehead tenderly.

"Okay, we'll order take out then, come on, let me introduce you to my mom and sister." Amanda replied as she literally dragged Olivia towards the door.

"Hold on." Olivia said as bite her bottom lip and pulling Amanda back in.

"Are you okay?"

"Yes, I am. I just wanted to tell you that everything is going to be okay. I know I'm not perfect but I'm completely committed to you and our relationship. I'm in this for the long run I'm sure your mother is going to see that." Olivia and Amanda had not exchanged the three magic words yet and this sudden declaration and excess of confidence was as far as Olivia was willing to go for now.

"I know Liv." And as much as Amanda was dying to say those three words out and hear them coming from Olivia's mouth as well, feeling the brunette's commitment in her voice, seeing it in her eyes was more than enough and she had no doubt that tonight would be the first of many family dinners, family Olivia was now a part of.

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Hey guys. I hope you forgive me for the cliffhanger but like I said before, as already I personally don't enjoy chapters that are too long so I always try to write chapters of an acceptable length myself. And besides I know how much you're all looking forward to this dinner and what can I say, I live to torment and tease you!

Next chapter will be the dinner where Olivia meets Amand'as mother and sister, it's gonna be very interesting.

What do you think is gonna happen? Will Dorothy and Adele interrogate Olivia or will they trust Amand'as judgement? Will Olivia feel comfortable enough to share some of her past?

PS : The actual Thanksgiving dinner will come after that(and will be chapter 23), and expect an interesting twist.


	22. Open heart conversation

I'm a bit disappointed by the lack of feedback on the last chapter so I hope you enjoyed this one, especially the end.

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**Chapter 22 :**

**Open heart conversation : **

Amanda and Olivia walked towards the living room, holding hands and as slowly as they possibly could. Despite her desire to appear confident, Olivia could feel her knees shaking and her throat slowly drying up.

"Mom, Adele, there is someone I would like for you to meet." Amanda's mother and sister were comfortably sitting in her couch and the blonde was able to see their faces lighting up the second Liv and her stepped into that living room.

"You must be Olivia. It's so nice to finally meet you." Seeing the brunette standing a few feet from them Dorothy bounced out of the couch, ran towards Olivia her arms wide opened and welcomed her into a warm embrace.

"It's very nice to meet you too Mrs Rollins." Gasping for air, Olivia looked at Amanda, hoping the blonde would rescue her from that rather unexpected and overwhelming situation.

"Jesus Mom, let her breath." Shrugging her shoulders as she pouted in Liv's direction, Amanda remember that she had briefed her mother on what subjects not to bring up during up but had forgotten to tell her not to be to bring the PDA to a minimum.

"Yeah mom, let her breath. I'm Adele, Amanda's sister, it's very nice to meet you. I see Amanda did not exaggerate, you really are smoking hot." Pushing her mother aside, Adele winked at her sister and pulled Olivia in her arms too.

"Just kill me now..." Rolling her eyes, Amanda took a few step aside and bringing her hand to her forehead starting to cuss herself. Olivia was not a person that was into PDA and that first impression would probably make her extremely uncomfortable.

"It's okay, Amanda, well I'm happy to meet the two of you, Amanda told me so much about you and I couldn't wait to meet both of you." Smiling through grin teeth as she finally managed to extract herself from Adele's embrace, Olivia took a couple steps on her right and instinctively snaked her right arm around Amanda's waist hoping it would shield her from Adele and Dorothy.

"Well, now that everyone is better acquainted, how about you and I go to pick up some dinner at that Chinese place I love?" Adele replied looking at Amanda knowing too well her mother had a millions questions for Olivia, thinking the brunette would feel much more comfortable answering them in private.

"This is New-York, every single restaurant delivers." Amanda replied, narrowing her eyebrows at her sister while tightening her grip around Olivia's waist.

"I think your sister might need some fresh air and to stretch her legs before dinner, right Adele?" Olivia was not aware of all the family dynamic but she had a sharp mind and Adele's intentions were very clear to her.

"Okay...We'll be back soon I promise." Well if Olivia did not mind staying alone with her mother, who was she to keep her from doing so?

"Don't worry Amanda, she is paid to haunt criminals down, so she should survive half an hour alone with me, right Olivia?" Winking at Adele as a thank you gesture, Dorothy took a few seconds to observe Amanda interacting with her girlfriend. The two of them were standing right there in the middle of the living room like if they were going to be split up for ever and didn't seem to mind that Adele and her were watching, they seemed to be in their own bubble.

"Absolutely, don't worry honey, your mother and I are gonna be just fine." Was Olivia being overly confident? What if Dorothy started to pry and ask questions about her recently uncovered sexuality or her previous relationships, or worse what if she asked about her mother? Olivia had had days, weeks even to mentally prepare herself to this and she was confident that as long as she made sure that Dorothy knew how she felt about her daughter, her past or unfortunate upbringing wouldn't matter.

"Okay, well let's go then." Kissing Olivia one last time without even realizing it that it was the first they kissed in front of other people, Amanda then released the brunette from her embrace.

"I trust you to order for me, you know what I like."

"Oh, I'm sure she does." Biting her bottom lip, Adele was unable to keep herself from smiling, those two were two adorable for words and she was gonna make sure that her sister got proper teasing about it.

As Adele was dragging Amanda out of the appartement, leaving Olivia alone with their mother, the brunette started to feel a knot in the pit of her stomach. Maybe she had overestimated herself after all. Unfortunately it was too late and besides like Dorothy said, she was paid to confront serial killers and rapist and never flinched so she should be able to survive a little quality time with her.

"So Olivia, please tell me Amanda was mistaken and that you're not working tomorrow." Dorothy was pleasantly surprised by this opportunity Adele was giving her, she and Amanda were very close and she had expected her to take her side and keep her from being left alone with Olivia.

"No, Ma'am, I'm so sorry but we're going to have to work tomorrow. We actually rotate every year and Amanda and I weren't on call last year so it's our turn this year and besides my partner's wife is now living in DC with their daughter and he's having a hard time dealing with this separation so I think it's important for him that he has the opportunity to spend Thanksgiving with them." The truth was that Olivia would have given her Thanksgiving to Amaro without hesitating for a second, she loved Amanda, but seeing his partner reuniting with his family was more important than spending this holiday with the blonde's family.

"I understand, back when I was working at the hospital we also had a rotation system for holidays that was very fair but single employees always offered to switch with their colleagues who had family." Inviting Olivia to sit on the couch, Dorothy was started to see that Amanda had not lied about her, Oliva was indeed very selfless.

"Which is actually what I would have done if it had been his turn to take the Thanksgiving shift, we're a family and we support each other. Don't worry though, if the day is slow we should be home around 6 and if we're not callrf back in , we should be able to celebrate Thanksgiving normally."

"Let's pray for that then. Anyway, tell me more about yourself Olivia. Amanda tells me you were born and raised in New-York?" The last thing Dorothy was too pry and to appear too pushy, so she started with a very general question, hoping it'd put Olivia at ease and that it would lead her to open up a little.

"I was born, raised, went to college and built my carrer here in Manhattan and I have never lived anywhere else." Yes, Olivia was very attached to her city life but was realistic enough to know that once she time would come to settle down, Queens would be more affordable, but right now she was enjoying the city.

"You're definitely a city girl then. Amanda said that your mother was a college professor..."

"She was an english professor at Colombia university yes, what else did she tell you about my mother?" Olivia's heart started to hammer her chest, her voice was shaking and her mouth was dry, had Amanda betrayed her trust?

"Nothing, except that she raised you by herself. Don't worry Olivia, Amanda did not betray any confidence, she never would." Amanda had warned her that Olivia's mother was a sensitive subject and by the reaction on the brunette's face, she could tell she had not exaggerated.

"I'm sorry. I know I can trust your daughter, it's just... I know that since I'm in Amanda's life now, getting to know each other better is the normal thing to do and trust me, I really want you to know who I am and just how much your daughter means to me. It's just my family and especially my relationship with my mother is everything but conventional and..."

"And you're scared that I might judge for it?" Olivia was obviously upset and was starting to show her vulnerability so in an attempt to comfort her, Dorothy slid closer to her and reach out for her hand.

"Yes, I don't want people to define me by who my parents were or by the way I was raised, god knows I spent my entire life trying to escape that but I realized that I can't, that it made me who I am today. I really want you to know who I really am, so I think I should be honest with you." Obviously Olivia had no intention of sharing her dark side with Dorothy but she needed to know how her family's history had influenced her and had lead her to be an SVU Detective, which was the biggest part of her.

"You don't need to share anything too personal Olivia, as a mother, all I need to know is that you love my daughter and that you're treating her right." Amanda had talked about Olivia so much that Dorothy had this image of her, but right now, all she could see was a woman whose life had been tainted with loss and pain and as much as she loved the heroic image Amanda had put in her head, Olivia's sincerity and vulnerability was far more appealing.

"I do love your daughter and I intend to always do my best to respect and treat her the way she deserves but I don't know if I'm always gonna be able to do that. I...there's a lot going on in my life, there's always been, but Amanda is helping me through it and I'm starting to see the end of the tunnel. She's giving me hope and I don't know how I'm ever gonna repay her for that, but I'm working on it." Olivia was sobbing, because, talking to Dorothy, she realized just how lucky she was to have Amanda in her life, that the blonde was one in a billion, that very special person that was custom made for her and she intended to cherish her as long as she lived.

"I'm sure you will." And just like that, Olivia had won her over. Dorothy was very protective over her daughters and considering how badly things had ended with Lisa, she first had every intention to interrogate Olivia and test her until she was confident that she was worthy of Amanda. What she didn't expect was that Olivia would win her over, in a heart beat, not because she showed her how strong, fearless and protective she was, but just by showing her that she was sincerely in love with her daughter and that while she was troubled, she was working on it and had accepted Amanda's help. Yes, Olivia had won her over by being the sensitive, wounded, perfectly imperfect but yet loving and sincere woman that she truly was.

Half an hour later, Amanda and her sister were back from the Chinese restaurant with dinner. Against all odds, Dorothy did not question Olivia any further, and the four women were able to enjoy a perfectly quiet dinner.

Around 10 pm, Olivia and Amanda finally left the blonde's appartement, leaving Dorothy and Adele to have the night of sleep they both desperately needed.

"I do think my mother likes you, what did you tell her when we were gone?" Amanda and Olivia were now in the brunette's appartement. Amanda had spent the entire dinner expecting either her mother or Adele to embarrass her by asking inappropriate questions to Olivia and she knew her mother to well to know that if she hadn't it was because Olivia had given her what she needed and she couldn't wait to figure it out exactly what Olivia had told her.

"Nothing, I just told her the truth, that I wasn't perfect but that I was working on my issues with your help and that I intended to spend the rest of my life showing you how grateful I was that you were in my life. Oh and I might have told her I loved you." Those last three words slipped out of Olivia's words so naturally that she wondered why it had taken her so long to say them.

"Wait, you told her what?" The two women were now in Olivia's bedroom, Amanda was sitting on the edge of the bed, taking her jewellery off and the brunette was stand right in front of her and the sound of those three words were enough to almost make her fall of the bed.

"I told her that I loved you and I do. I'm completely and madly in love with you Amanda." Olivia, who was standing so close to Amanda that their knees touched, reached out for the blonde's beautiful face with her right hand, leaned over and gently pressed her lips against hers. Up until now, saying those words terrified her but talking to Dorothy she realized that the hardest part was to fall in love and to accept those feelings and that expressing them was actually the easiest part.

"I'm in love with you too Liv." Hearing those highly anticipated words literally tore Amanda's heart appart, but in a positive way. Olivia had always managed to make her feel loved, by the way she touched or looked at her but hearing the actual words was the most direct and precious way to express her feelings and now that they had both said them once, she was determined not to let a single pass without saying them out loud, and that, for the rest of her life.

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Hi guys! What do you think about this chapter? I purposely had Dorothy and Olivia have a private conversation instead of having Oliva being interrogated during dinner because I thought a more intimate chat would help her feel more comfortable and that she would open up more easily.

At first I wanted Olivia to tell Dorothy about her mother but then I realized that's not what Dorothy wanted, that what she needed was to make sure Olivia loved Amanda and would take care of her and I think this conversation served that purpose very well.

Oh and they finally said " I love you" to each other...I know you didn't expect it and neither did I, I wanted to wait until they had sex for the first time but I figured it fitted well in this chapter.

Tell me what you think! Next chapter will be Thanksgiving with a twist...


	23. Thanksgiving with a twist

****Thank you to the Anon who told me that I was writing New York incorrectly! I will try to remember that there is no - between the two words!

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**Chapter 23 :**

**Thanksgiving with a twist.**

The next morning Amanda and Olivia woke up around 7 o'clock, their bodies tangled together. After confessing being love with each other the previous night, the two women had spent an hour kissing, wandering their fingers on each other's bodies before falling asleep into each other arms.

While their cuddling sessions were always very tactile and their kisses extremely passionate, the two women had yet to take things to the next level. Amanda, was more than ready to make love to her girlfriend, but every time she was about to push the boundaries a bit further by sliding her hand below Liv's clothes, she'd feel just how tensed and nervous the brunette was and instead if pushing her, would just take a step back. As aroused as she was by this physical proximity, the blonde understood that Olivia wasn't ready to make love yet and had decided not to push her, knowing that the brunette had already made tremendous efforts and progress since they had started dating and that asking her for more would probably frighten her and destroy everything they had accomplished so far.

"You're up early, and you're already dressed." Amanda opened her eyes that morning to the view of Olivia sitting on the edge of her bed.

"Morning sweetheart. I'm having breakfast with Alex, remember?" Hearing the blonde febrile voice, Olivia turned around and leaned towards her to gently give her a good morning kiss.

"Oh, right, right. She's the only one you've known for years and who hasn't commented on our relationship yet." Over the past week Amanda and Liv had received the support of many of their colleagues, such as Dr Warner, Dr Huang who as a gay mad was extremely proud of them for coming out, Casey had also called Olivia to tell her it was high time she found someone to settle down with and even several fellow officers had congratulated them. In one word, the entire world had been extremely supportive, except for Alex.

"I think she's aware that a lot of people came to us to give us their support and probably thought we were already overwhelmed and I guess she just wanted to wait for things to cool down before coming forward, which I think is very thoughtful." The truth was that Liv had no idea how Alex would react to her relationship with Amanda. Their relationship had mostly been strictly professional ever since Alex had come back from the WPP and she had given all hopes of entertaining a real friendship with the blonde.

"You told me the two of you were just work acquaintances, that you weren't friends, right? So I find it a bit odd that she would find it necessary to invite you for breakfast to discuss our relationship." Before they started dating, the two women had adressed the rumours regarding Alex and Liv's relationship and while Amanda was confident that nothing had happened between them, she couldn't help but thinking that Liv might have had some feelings for her.

"It's complicated..." And it was but Olivia had no idea how to define her relationship with Alex to Amanda without making her suspicious.

"Tell me, I know you and Eliot were there when she got shot and that it traumatized both of you, I just want to understand your relationship with her." Because no matter what Liv pretended, there was a relationship between them and whether it was friendship or unresolved sexual tension was yet to be determined.

"Yes, we were there. Eliot ran after the car and I stayed behind to apply pressure on the wound while talking to her but the blood was pouring through my fingers and she died in my arms, or at least that's what I thought. We found out that she was alive the day of her funeral but were ordered not to tell anyone, so we didn't, for her protection. She did come back once to testify against the man who shot her killed someone else but had to go back to the program afterwards. She officially came back to life in 2006 but it wasn't until 2009 that she came back to SVU." Olivia remembered that day like if it was yesterday. Much, Fin, El and her were standing in front of a crime scene when Alex walked towards them and took over the case like nothing had happened.

"What was she doing during those three years?" Sliding closer to Olivia, Amanda started to feel the pain in Olivia's voice, this event had traumatized her and while it had happened almost ten years ago, she still seemed affected by it.

"She was appointed Bureau Chief. Eliot and I called many times to invite her out for drinks but she never returned any of our calls and we never even saw her until that day when she arrived at that crime scene. We understood that she needed time to put her life back together and that since we were there when she died, seeing us was probably too painful but it still hurt."

"So you were more than work acquaintances?" While Amanda felt a bit betrayed that Liv would downplay her relationship with Alex, her voice was still calm, she didn't want to lose control and start fighting, she needed to get to the bottom of this.

"I don't know to be honest. When I started working at SVU there was another female Detective but she got transfered and appart from Melinda, Alex was the only woman I got to work with. She was ambitious, passionate, and also extremely competent. At first we had trouble working with her because she wasn't as sympathetic to the victims as she should have been and she had trouble putting herself in our shoes. She could only see the cases we worked on from a prosecutor's point of view but with time, she started to change and we became a pretty good team." It had taken time for Alex to get used to the way things were handled at SVU but she eventually became an asset to the team and Olivia had grown very found of her.

"That's good but was there anything between the two of you?" Amanda's voice was now slightly shaking, she could see in Olivia's eyes that Alex meant a lot to her and her jealousy immediately pinged.

"Nothing remotely sexual. Yes, we fought and argued like lovers and that's probably why people always assumed there was something between us but I can assure you that nothing ever happened. I tried to be her friend, I thought we had a lot in common and before she went into the program, she would often come to have a few drinks with the team but I wouldn't call that friendship. She was and still is from a complete different world and what she went through when she was away definitely pushed her a step further away from truly fitting in. Alex and I were never friends and I doubt we ever will, it took me a while to accept that but I have."

"So, you're not the slightest bit attracted to her?" Amanda found it hard to believe that Olivia wouldn't be attracted to such an educated, smart, extremely attractive not to mention wealthy woman.

"No, I wanted and tried to be her friend and I was attracted to her from a professional and friendly point of view but never romantically or even sexually. I told you, you're the first woman I ever fell for, and the last, okay?" Was Olivia being true to Amanda and to herself? Was friendship everything she ever felt and wanted to develop with Alex? She had spent years asking herself that question but now that she was with Amanda, she could state with certainty that the attraction she felt towards Alex was nothing remotely sexual or romantic.

"I know, I believe you. I love you." As sincere as Olivia was, Amanda could still sense that there was a lot of repressed and unsolved feelings between her and Alex but she trusted her girlfriend. She knew that regardless of how she might have felt for the ADA, not only it was years ago but also that it could never compete with how she felt about her and that coming out as a lesbian would not lead Olivia to reevaluate her relationship with Alex.

"And I love you too. Now just get out of bed, get dressed, have breakfast and I will see you at the station." Amanda was right, coming to terms with her feelings for her, did not imply that Olivia would suddenly reevaluate her relationship with Alex and suddenly realize that she had been in love with her all that time. Amanda was the first woman she ever fell in love with but coming to terms with those feelings had not helped her come to terms with feelings she might have had for Alex, because truthfully, there weren't any romantic or sexual feelings as far as the ADA was concerned.

Forty five minutes later Olivia arrived that the little dinner strategically situated in front of the station.

"Good morning Detective, I'm due in court in an hour so I took the liberty of ordering for both of us." Alex had arrived a few minutes ago and was salivating at the view of the waffles and pancakes laying in front of her.

"Morning, no, I don't mind, to be honest with you, I'm starving." Olivia took her jacket off, took a deep breath and sat on the other side of the table. Alex seemed relatively relaxed and there was no indication that this conversation would be hostile in any way.

"So, Liv, I think congratulations are in order." Alex has had a few days to prepare what she was going to say to Liv and she had made the decision not to pry.

"Yeah, you can't imagine how many people have come forward to congratulate us, it's crazy when you think about it, it's not like we announced that we were getting married or that we were expecting a child. We just decided to be honest about the nature of our relationship." As much as Liv was trying to minimise their coming out, it was and will remain the most important event in her entire life.

"I suppose people wouldn't have made such a big deal if you were dating Amaro or any other male, but coming forward as being in a relationship with a woman, especially a team member is pretty courageous."

"Well, I know that the departement has made tremendous efforts in the way they treat minorities and that we now have zero tolerance policy against discrimination so I wasn't worried about that. I have to admit that both Amanda and I were worried about her position at SVU but Cragen was nothing but supportive."

"Oh right, since she's the last to have arrived at SVU, she would have been the one transferred." And that was the last thing Alex or anyone else would have wanted. Having a second female Detective was something that should have been done years ago.

"Exactly, but you know Cragen has always had my back and he seemed to believe since Amanda is mostly paired with Fin and I'm mostly paired with Amaro, that our relationship shouldn't impact our job, no matter what happen between us in the future."

"I agree, and besides you're both professionals, you can separate your private and profesional lives." Alex was well aware of the kind of trouble being too closed to Eliot had caused and she was hoping that the same thing wouldn't happen with Amanda.

"We sure are." Taking a sip at her coffee, Olivia was discreetly observing Alex's body language, she was bitting her bottom lip and tapping her finger on the table, it was pretty obvious that she had something she wanted to discuss and she knew exactly what it was.

For the next few minutes, Alex and Olivia continued to eat their breakfast in silence. The silence was awkward for both of them and it was obvious that there was something bothering Alex but she couldn't bring herself to bring it up, until :

"It's funny though, I mean people were gossiping about us but nobody ever suspected that you and Amanda were dating." When it came to defend a case in court, Alex was always very eloquent and confident but when it came to her personal life, not only she was less experienced but it was very difficult for her to express her thoughts and feelings.

"Yeah, I guess it is. You know people see what they want to see. They saw how intensely we argued and they knew we were both single at the time and they thought that all this was some kind of sexual tension and that we were secretly fooling around like rabbits but when they see me with Amanda, all they see is a very hot, much younger woman who has always been very open with her sexuality and who couldn't possibly be attracted to a much older, closeted, troubled woman like me." Sadly that was a very accurate description of how Liv saw herself.

"Ah come on Liv, half, no actually, every single lesbian in the department wants to date you, it's just that after so many years of seeing you with men, people started to believe that you might actually be straight but now that it turned out that you're not, trust me the ladies are talking about you again." What Alex wasn't saying was that she was one of those women who had been fantasizing about her for years.

"Actually, I'm still straight. I mean, I don't consider myself as a lesbian. I dated men, had sex with them and enjoyed myself, but I never developed any meaningful relationship with any of them. Then I met Amanda and we fell in love. So I don't know if that makes me bisexual and quite frankly I don't really want to label myself. I'm just a woman who fell in love and it just happened that it was with a woman." At her age, Liv was way passed labelling herself or trying to fit into boxes, she was just a woman in love and people could call her what ever they wanted.

"But, I'm sorry If I'm prying but, were you ever attracted to other women before?" Ever since Alex had found out about Liv's relationship with Amanda, she had started replaying their relationship in her head, looking for clues that would indicate that the brunette might have shared her feelings.

"To be honest, after a few bad relationships and especially after realizing that people were getting that gay vibe from me, I did start question my sexuality yes and while I was never opposed to experiencing with a woman, up until Amanda, I just never met one that managed to convince me to take that leap." Olivia was no fool, she could see clear through Alex's line of questioning and for the first time since she had met her, started to believe that Alex might have been attracted to her after all.

"I understand, taking that kind of leap is difficult until you meet the right person and seems that you have. I'm happy for you." The truth was that while everyone in the department had been feeling that gay vibe coming from Liv, Alex had never managed to approach her with her feelings, not only because seeing Olivia dating men seriously made her doubt that she was attracted to women, but most importunately because she never thought the brunette could be remotely interested in her as a human being.

Yes, as confident as Alexandra Cabot was in front of the worst criminals or defense attorneys, when it came to Olivia, she was just a scared little girl who could barely look at her in the eyes without dying to kiss her, without having the confidence to act on her feelings. What Olivia didn't know was those feelings she has had for many years were the reason why she had avoided her after coming back from the WPP. After spending three years away from Olivia, thinking about her, falling in love with her a little more everyday, Alex had no doubt that seeing her again would be too painful. While most people would consider coming back from the dead as a second chance and would have ceased the opportunity to act on their feelings, Alex considered herself too damaged to be able to handle being rejected by the brunette. Hell, she was convinced she was too damaged to handle it if Olivia had returned her feelings.

The rest of the breakfast was rather, quiet. Olivia who was excited to spend Thanksgiving with Amanda's family decided not to talk about her dinner plans. It was obvious that Alex was particularly hurt by her relationship with Amanda and she had no desire to upset her any further.

Later that day, after spending the entire day dealing with drunk drivers and a few indecent exposures, Amanda and Olivia finally came home around six to the most delicious thanksgiving dinner they could have hoped for.

Adele and Dorothy owned a catering business back in Atlanta and were both fantastic cook and they were both determined to give Olivia the best Thanksgiving of her life. Both women were determined to welcome the Detective into their family, knowing that her relationship with Amanda was still in the very early stages and that giving her their support was essential to improve her confidence and help her feel more comfortable in the relationship.

And the night turned out way above their expectations. Liv who up until now had spent the past 10 years, since her mother had died, celebrating thanksgiving either working or with Eliot's family, was finally celebrating this traditional american holiday with someone she was truly in love with and her family, who she felt had welcomed her with opened arms.

Sure she was heart broken because she hadn't heard from Eliot since he had left and because he was still refusing to return her phone calls but for the first time in the past year and a half she was finally moving on. After spending all that time, mourning, waiting for Eliot to come back to her, she was finally coming to terms with their relationship and strangely it felt incredibly right because she wasn't alone anymore. After years of feeling that Eliot was the only serious relationship she'd ever have and that she would never be as close to anyone else, she was finally in a truly beautiful and honest relationship and most importantly she now had a family who seemed to completely accept her with her flaws and the simple thought of spending the next 20 or 30 thanksgivings or christmas with them brought tears to her eyes and warmed her heart up.

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Hi guys! How did you like this chapter? I know some of you expected the twist to be Lisa coming back and while I'm not saying that she won't be back at some point, I decided to surprise you. I hope you don't hate me for giving that much importance to the twist and so little to the actual thanksgiving dinner...

I wrote one Alex/Liv fiction before(it was actually the first I ever wrote) and while I'm not the biggest shipper out there I figured bringing Alex in this story and having her being in love with Liv would be a nice way to bring some drama later on.

Was Liv ever sexually attracted to Alex and was she (and still is )lying to herself by pretending she wasn't? Is she gonna tell Amanda that she suspects that Alex has feelings for her? All those questions will, If I decide to pursue this, find answers later down the road...

Please tell me what you think about that twist and if you think it's worth pursuing in the future!

Next chapter, well I won't tell you what I have in store but I can tell you that the journey I'm gonna take them on is going to be exciting but also painful, full of drama, incertitudes and that you should really stay tuned because it's gonna be worth the wait...

Thanks for the support!


	24. Sticking around

Hi guys, first of all, I wanted to let you know that due to the lack of enthusiasm regarding the whole Alex's twist, I will not pursue this any further...

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**Chapter 24 :**

**Sticking around :**

A week had passed since Olivia had celebrated her first holiday with Amanda, Adele and Dorothy. The morning following Thanksgiving, the team had caught a rather disturbing kidnapping case, making it clear to the two women that Amanda and Olivia had more pressing matters to attend to, leaving them with no choice but to them to fly back home sooner than expected. Luckily for the two Detectives, despite being eager to spend more time with Olivia, the two ladies understood that a life was at stake and that finding the missing child had the be their absolute priority.

"I still can't believe we found her seven days after her abduction and that he had not hurt her, it's almost a miracle." Stepping inside Olivia's appartement, Amanda took her leather jacket and shoes off, tossed her car keys on the kitchen counter and started to rotate her head clockwise, cause her neck to crackle.

"Yeah, I don't think I ever met a pedophile who kidnapped a seven year old and then left her in his basement for an entire week without touching her. But again, I gave up trying to understand those sick bastards a long time ago." It had been a week since Olivia and Amanda had had a good night of sleep, together, in their own bed and the brunette was eager to strip out off her working clothes and jump into some comfortable PJ's and slid into bed with her girlfriend.

"Me too, what matters is that Emily is home with her parents and I'm home with you." More than sleep what Amanda desired most was to feel Olivia's arms around her, to feel her lips stroking hers, her heart beating in her chest as they laid in bed together, her entire body was literally aching for the brunette's touch.

"Home, I like the sound of that." Over the past two months, since they had started dating, the two women had left clothes and several personal items at each other appartements and they both felt home in either places.

"So do I, so Liv, I have been thinking." As Liv and her stepped inside the bedroom, holding hand, Amanda immediately guided her towards the bed, hoping they could lay down and give them legs the rest they deserved.

"I'm all ears but please go straight to the point, I don't know how long I can keep my eyes open for." Olivia climbed on her bed and positioned herself on her back hoping this wasn't going to be one of those long conversation Amanda and her often had.

"Don't worry, I intend on keeping you awake." In order to keep Liv focused, Amanda climbed on top of her and started roaming her fingers on the brunette's belly, making her shiver instantly.

"Alright, I'm listening." Oliva replied, sighing as she struggled to keep her eyes opened.

" Well, I was thinking, since you and I are both off this week end, that we should go somewhere." Amanda replied, pouting at her half asleep girlfriend, hoping she would accept her offer.

"Really?" Surprised by Amanda's idea, Olivia sat up in bed and snaked her arms around the blonde's waist, pulling her closer to her.

"Yes. We've been together for almost eight weeks now and we've only had two weeks end when we were both off duty and we actually got called back in on the second sunday. I just want us to spend two entire days together without spending every minute wondering when Cragen is gonna call us back in. If we're away, he won't be able to do that." Amanda was as devoted and passionate about her job as Olivia was but things were much easier when she was single, because she had no one to go home to. Now that they were dating, she wanted to go home at night at reasonable hours and treat Liv and herself with a week end away from time to time.

"Okay, where would we go?" A romantic get away, now that something Olivia had not treated herself with in years.

"I don't know, I can go online and look for a cabin to rent in a secluded place where no one will come and bother us. I want you all to myself." Amanda had no intention of playing games, Olivia and her were two adults and she didn't want to act like a horny teenager, unable to talk about that subject.

"Should I be scared?" At that moment, seeing the burning desire in her girlfriend's eyes, Olivia suddenly realizes what the purpose of this little get away was and felt there was no escaping talking about it.

"No, it's just that we've been together for almost two months now and I feel that we're ready to take that step." Amanda could see the panic in Olivia's eyes and realized that talking about it before attempting anything was the wisest thing to do.

"Maybe you are, but I don't know how to express how I feel about it." Her head down, Olivia was unable to make eye contact with Amanda. She was forty three years old and had always been comfortable and confident in her sexuality, but things were different this time around and she had no idea how to adress it without scaring Amanda.

"Liv, look at me. I love you and we've been through and shared so much already, and I know we can work this out too. Are you afraid of not satisfying me? Because I can tell you right now that you turn me on like nobody else ever had before just by kissing and touching me, so don't worry about it. " To reassure and calm Olivia down, Amanda snaked her arms around the brunette's neck and to stroke her skin with her right thumb.

"I guess I'm a bit anxious about that, yes. I mean, I have never been with another woman and while I do know my own body very well, I can't expect it to be enough to pleasure you the way you deserve but that's not what's been bothering me." Olivia's heart started to pound inside her heart so hard that she was convinced Amanda could almost feel it.

"What it is then?"

"I... God Amanda, why are things so difficult for? Why can't I be normal and have a healthy, regular relationship with you?" Pushing Amanda aside, Olivia sat on the edge of her bed, turning her back on the brunette.

"You're not normal Liv, you're exceptional and I wouldn't want you to change. No matter how impossible to overcome things might appear to you, I can assure that as long as you and I are together and as long as we trust each other, we can overcome anything. I promise." Suddenly, Amanda started to remember the conversation Olivia and her had shared in the very beginning of their relationship, before they even started dating and she had a feeling that they were about to bring that dark and sensitive subject back to life.

"It's just...I love you, I really do and I have never been so happy in my entire life. For the first time I feel that I can be myself, that I don't have to watch my every word or move, that I can just relax and enjoy myself and our relationship, and that's the problem." Saying those words out loud didn't make it easier for Olivia to understand how she felt and seeing the confusion on Amanda's face as she turned around, she understood that she was going to have to elaborate, to dig deeper in her heart and soul to properly express her feelings.

"That you can be yourself?"

"Yes, you know I have this darkness that has been growing inside me for years and while I'm completely happy with you, it's still in there and I'm afraid that, that it might surface if we have sex." And just like that, Olivia felt the earth opening below her, Amanda was aware of that darkness but she had yet to discover just deep it was and she was afraid that it might be too much for her to handle.

"Oh, Liv, honey, look at me, has this darkness ever surfaced when you were in bed with someone?" At first Amanda wouldn't believe that Liv had that dark, disturbed side but listening to the brunette talk about it, she had learned to trust her and also to hide how worried she was that she was indeed not exaggerating at all.

"No, because I always managed to keep the control over my emotions or even my physical responses, but like I said, when I'm with you, I don't feel the need to put any restrain on my behaviour or even on my feelings, and I'm afraid that If I let go completely in your arms, I might end up hurting you." And that was something she couldn't take the chance to see happening, she'd rather slit her wrists than hurting Amanda.

"Oh Liv...At first I didn't want to believe that you had that much anger and frustration buried inside but now that we've talked about it, I do believe that yes, you might have a dark side but I will never believe that you would physically or sexually hurt me. Despite all the negative feelings you have had buried inside you all those years, this is not who you are." Olivia's darkness and self loathing was greater than what Amanda had anticipated, and she knew that helping her was going to be a very long and painful process.

"My DNA certainly says otherwise." Olivia was still sitting on her her, her legs were folded and she was still refusing to look at Amanda in this eyes, she couldn't bring herself to see the fear and disgust in her girlfriend's eyes now that she had revealed her true feelings to her.

"Hell with your DNA! You are not a violent person, okay? Like I said you might have a lot of anger and frustration that need to be adressed and unleashed but you are not like your... like that monster, you are not a rapist Liv, okay?" Enough was enough, Amanda could not sit there and watch Liv putting herself down like this, so she slid closer to her, reached her for her gorgeous face and forced her to look at her in the eyes, so she could see that she was completely sincere and that she was not going to give up or run away.

"I certainly have in it me, it's in my blood and I don't want to take any chances, not with you."

"What are saying? Are we considering a sexless life or are you breaking up with me?"

"No, that's not what I'm saying. I'm saying that I need to work on my issues and get rid of those negatives feelings before I can consider making love to you. Please try to understand." For the time in her life, Olivia wasn't running away from her problems and she had no intentions of breaking up with Amanda. She wanted to overcome this, to be, to feel better so she and the blonde could have a healthy and normal relationship, free of fear and self loathing and she was determined to fight to make it happen.

"I do understand, Liv and I'm gonna be here every step of the way. I'm only going to ask you for two things." Amanda's eyes were filled up with tears, she couldn't believe that Olivia was not walking away, that she was willing to fight, for her, for their relationship.

"Tell me."

"First, I want you to stop repressing those feelings, I want you to express them verbally or even physically if you need to and second, I want to be there when you do. I want you to not run away from me." What Amanda was asking Olivia to agree on was the hardest thing she had ever considering doing for anyone but there was no other way to help her.

"You want to be around whenever I feel I'm gonna explode?"

"Yes. What ever happens, I can handle it. I love you and nothing you can do or say can make me love your less. Just trust me please." Amanda's hands were still palming Olivia's face, she was looking her straight in the eyes and tears were still streaming down her cheeks.

"You don't know what you're asking of me. The only way I can express those feelings by either screaming very loud or hitting something or someone, trust me I have been there before." And that was precisely why Liv had not been in a serious relationship in years, she wanted to spare people from seeing her in that state where she couldn't control herself.

"But I wasn't there before. I'm here now and I'm not going anywhere. We're gonna get through this I promise." Pulling her against her, Amanda could feel her own body shaking against Liv's. As much as she loved and trusted Olivia not to hurt her, she knew that sticking around when ever the brunette would feel like unleashing her darkness might be proven to be a risky choice, but she didn't care. She'd rather be with Olivia and help her through this ordeal and getting hurt, than being away from her. She loved her that much.

* * *

So guys, what do you think, that was pretty dark,wasn't it?

I started to adress and explore Liv's darkest in the very beginning on this story and decided to set it aside for a little while. Now that I'm taking them to the next level(sex), I figured it was the perfect moment to revisit that dark subject.

So what do you think? Are Liv's fears justified? Now that she's let go of the control she usually has on her emotions, can she possibly hurt Amanda if they take things further?

I wrote some dark stories and I'm always a bit scared to see how you guys are gonna respond but this is one of the rare times when I'm literally shaking because I'm absolutely terrified that this might not be the right path to take.

If you guys want me to continue down this road, I'm warning you, it's gonna get much darker...


	25. Provocation

**Chapter 25 : **

**Provocation : **

Two weeks have passed and it was now the first week of December. Following their last conversation, Amanda and Olivia had agreed that a romantic get away was probably premature. Fortunately and against all odds, what could have been perceived as a serious set back in their relationship, turned out to have the opposite effect on them.

Instead of sharing their beds during the week ends, Amanda and Olivia had started to extend their sleep overs to the week days as well and they were now spending all their nights at the blonde's place which was much closer to the station than Olivia's.

Following their last conversation, Olivia had decided to follow Amanda's advice and was now more in touch with her negatives impulses and instead of burying them inside, had started expressing them, either physically or verbally, when ever she felt they were too much for her to bare.

As promised, Amanda remained at Olivia's side and when ever she felt that the brunette was about to lose her composure and control while interrogating a suspect, would take her to the break room, so she could express her anger and frustration by either hitting the walls or cussing the perp instead of attacking them.

The first time Olivia had found herself in need of a few minutes away from the interrogation room was only a couple of days following their conversation. The team had been called on a rape case involving a six year old girl who had been kidnapped in her own bedroom by an ex con who had just been released after spending twenty years in Rikers for a similar crime. His DNA had been found on the little girl's bed sheets and after two days of an exhausting man hunt, the perp had been apprehended. Unfortunately the girl was nowhere to be found and Liv and Amanda spent almost ten hours straight interrogating him trying to get a location out of him.

Unfortunately, the rapist, knowing that he was going to spend the rest of his life back at Rikers anyway, refused to tell them where the girl was and instead spent several hours detailing everything he had done to that poor girl, sparing no graphic detail.

After spending eight hours listening to him, images flashing before their eyes, both Amanda and Olivia were exhausted and just as Fin and Munch were about to take over, the rapist said something that immediately triggered the brunette's furor. Amanda was standing a few feet away from her and in a split second saw the fire in Olivia's eyes and knew she was about to lash out on the suspect but managed to grab her and drag her out of the interrogation room just in time.

Unwilling to have Cragen and the rest of their team witness Olivia's outbreak, Amanda dragged Olivia to the break room where the brunette was able to completely let go her anger out before collapsing in her arms. For the first time since she had joined SVU almost 14 years ago, Olivia went home that night completely relaxed, after CSU had find trace evidence leading them to where the girl had been hidden by the suspect.

As reluctant as Olivia was to stop trying to control her emotions and to just let them come out, the brunette was now convinced that Amanda was right, that the best for her was to not burden herself with the horrors they saw every day so she could go home at night and be able to spend the evening with Amanda and enjoy her presence, instead of torturing herself over what her victims had gone through. Not only Amanda had taught her how to be in touch and to accept her darkness but she had also taught her how to embrace it and to release it in due time, so she could compartmentalize better and live a normal life.

When Olivia had her first outburst, Amanda's first instinct was to take a few steps back and to let her release the anger the suspect had triggered. She could see the blood filling up Olivia's eyes and was terrified that the brunette might decide to direct her blows at her.

Luckily, after spending a couple minutes watching Olivia punching the door as hard as she could without breaking her knuckles, Amanda finally felt safe enough to reach out to her girlfriend, wrap her arms around her and comfort her.

Now, ten days later, things had gone back to normal and Olivia had not had any other significant outburst.

"Well thank you for that wonderful day Detective." After a particularly though investigation, Olivia had decided to treat herself and Amanda with an afternoon at the Rockfeller center ice skating rink.

"You're welcome dear, I didn't know you were that good." It was the first week of december and the snow was falling heavily on the streets of New York City and the two women had decided to warm themselves up a bit by having dinner in an italian restaurant a block away from the rink.

"I have had some practice, my dad started to teach me and my sister as soon as we were able to walk." Stepping inside the restaurant, Amanda snaked her arms around Olivia's waist and pulled her into a warm, tender kiss. Ever since they had come out as a couple, the two women had started going out and had grown surprisingly comfortable kissing or expressing their affection in public.

"What else has he taught you that I might enjoy?" There was so many things that Amanda had shared with her parents that Olivia had never had the opportunity to experience with her mother, but listening to the the blonde telling her about her happy childhood memories brought happiness to her heart and helped her understand how and why the blonde had become the woman she was today and could only hope that one day, they would build a family as united and happy as hers.

"He taught me to...how about we go home? This place is packed, I doubt we're gonna get a table anytime soon and I'm starving." As Olivia was walking backwards inside the restaurant, Amanda took a quick look around and saw trouble sitting a few feet away from them.

"Are you sure?" Not catching on Amanda's anxiety, Olivia turned around, to see if Amanda's assessment was correct or if there was at least one empty table.

"Yeah, come on, let's go." Pulling Olivia towards the exit door, Amanda tried to best to hide behind her so the person she had wished she would never meet again, especially while with Olivia, wouldn't see her.

"Okay, wait, did you hear someone calling your name?" Unfortunately the blonde was hard to miss in a crowd full of dark haired people and as they were about to step out of the restaurant, Olivia distinctly heard someone calling her name and immediately spotted a brunette waving at them.

"Oh crap." Amanda groaned, as she saw Lisa waving at them, inviting them to join her at her table.

"Who is that?" Standing there, in the middle of the restaurant, Olivia had no idea who that mysterious woman was, but could feel Amanda's discomfort.

"Liv, look at me. No matter what happens in the next few minutes, I love you, so please just ignore anything she's going to say, do not take her bait." This was the moment she had been fearing ever since Lisa had resurfaced a few weeks back. Up until now, Lisa had kept her promise and had resisted the urge to call or text her but she knew her ex girlfriend well enough to know that she wasn't going to give up and knowing how protective and jealous Olivia was, she was afraid that this unfortunate situation might turn into a blood bath.

"Oh, I see. Well, I think this is the perfect opportunity to introduce myself and make it very clear that you're with me now." Without waiting for Amanda's approval, Olivia walked towards Lisa's table feeling more confident than ever, she had prepared herself for this meeting and knew exactly what she was going to say.

Walking behind Olivia, Amanda started to feel a knot in the pit of her stomach, the brunette had that flame in her eyes and the way she was squeezing her hand made it very clear that this wouldn't be a cordial encounter.

"Hi, Amanda, it's very nice to see you again and you must be Olivia, I have heard so much about you." Standing up as Amanda and Olivia were reaching her table, Lisa couldn't help but smiling, this was the perfect opportunity for her to make her intentions known to Olivia.

"Follow me in the restroom please." Seeing the corner smile on Lisa's face, Olivia started to feel the anger and resentment filling up her heart and instead of causing a scene in the middle of the restaurant, grabbed Lisa's arm and dragged her towards the bathroom.

"Are you offering a quickie in the bathroom? I knew Amanda was into three ways but I thought you would want to get to know me better first." Lisa wasn't stupid and knew exactly why Olivia was taking her into the restaurant's bathroom and was hoping that the brunette wouldn't be able to control herself, so Amanda could see just how wrong she was for her.

"Olivia, please, this is not necessary. I was very clear to her the last time I saw her, just let it go." Amanda hated Lisa and this ability she had to spot people's weaknesses and to exploit them to get them exactly where she wanted.

"Stay out of this Amanda, this is between Lisa and me." Under normal circumstances Olivia wouldn't have bothered to even acknowledge it some woman had made jokes about Amanda's sexual past but this was not an innocent teasing, Lisa had said that deliberately to provoke her and she wasn't about to let this go.

"Mmmm, I love strong and confident women, you, Amanda and I could do so much together." As she felt Olivia's left hand tightening around the collar of her shirt, Lisa felt slightly aroused and the sight of Olivia's anger was the best reward she could have hoped for.

"You listen to me carefully. Amanda told me all about your little minds games and I know that at some point in her life, she agreed to play along but those days are over. Amanda is with me and the only way for you to ever touch her again would me over my dead body, so I suggest you back off, unless of course you want to see what I'm capable of." Olivia was pinning Lisa against the wall, her left forearm pressed against her throat. Her right hand was closed into a fist, she wanted to punch her so badly, but knew that allowing herself to do so would be taking Lisa's bait and she was smarter than that.

"Is this really the kind of woman you want to spend your life with Amanda? A woman who's unable to have a conversation without being physically threatening?" Olivia's forearm was crushing her throat and she could barely breath, but her vision wasn't altered by the lack of oxygen and she could see just how scared Amanda was and felt she had made her point.

"Liv, look at me. You don't want to do this. Lisa might be a cold hearted bitch but she's not a perp and if you hurt her, you won't be able to live with yourself. I love you, she means nothing to be and she knows that, that's why she's provoking you, don't take her bait, please." Amanda, who up now had stayed a few feet behind, took a few steps towards Olivia and reached out for the brunette's left arm, knowing she might get hurt, but it didn't matter, she needed to stop Olivia from making the biggest of her life.

"You're right. Let's go home. You, I swear to God, if I find out that you contacted Amanda, I will hurt you, make no mistake, letting you go unharmed this time doesn't mean I don't have it in me, because trust me, I do." Olivia was so close to Lisa that she could feel her breath on her face and could read the fear in her eyes. Up until now all she could read in Lisa's eyes was confidence and a taste for trouble, but now, it was very clear that she had managed to scare her enough to feel confident she would not be a problem anymore.

"Don't tempt her, trust me, that would be the biggest mistake of your life." Reaching out for Olivia's hand as the brunette finally let go of the grip she had on Lisa, Amanda couldn't help but feeling sorry for Lisa. She obviously had no idea who she was dealing with and that Liv wasn't one of those harmless younger women she'd usually play with.

"Okay, fine, the two of you deserve each other, you're equally sick. But one day Amanda, you're gonna crawl right back into my bed , you always do." Sitting on the floor, holding her throat as she watched Olivia and Amanda walking away, Lisa could barely believe what had happened. This was not supposed to end like this and she'd be damned it she'd let Olivia get away with it. She might never get Amanda back but she was determined to get back at Olivia for humiliated her like that.

* * *

Alright guys, I know this chapter was dark and hard to read but since a few readers were confused by their last conversation, I figured that showing Olivia's darkness was better than trying to explain it.

This was just a preview of just how dark and violent Liv can be if she feels provoked and the ride back home won't help her cool down. In the next chapter, Olivia and Amanda will go home and that's when all hell will break loose. Be prepared because as poorly as this chapter was executed and written, the next one is probably gonna be one of the darkest I have ever written.


	26. Like father, like daughter

To the anon who mentioned that I should get a beta, thank you! I paid more attention to the grammar and typos and I hope this chapter is better than the previous one.

* * *

**Chapter 26 :**

**Like father like daughter**

Immediately after leaving Lisa shaking on the restroom's floor, Olivia and Amanda exited the restaurant and grabbed a cab home. While Amanda was sitting on the left side of the back seat, Olivia remained on the right side, her eyes focused on the traffic aside, the tension was palpable, at least on Olivia's side.

"We should be home soon. I think we still have some left overs from last night, or we can order something if you prefer." Strangely, Amanda wasn't upset at Olivia for threatening Lisa. She had found herself in that very same situation so many times in the past to know that, if Olivia had not set things straight away, Lisa would have not been able to resist provoking her and that things could have ended in a much dramatic way.

"No, left overs are fine." Unfortunately Olivia was not as comfortable with her own actions as Amanda was and immediately pulled away when Amanda tried to reach out for her hand as they entered the cab.

While Olivia should have been relieved knowing that Lisa would not bother them anymore, all she could feel was anger and that same resentment she had felt for Amanda's ex ever since the blonde had confided in her about their casual sexual encounters and mind games. Putting Lisa back in her place and knowing that Amanda and their relationship were safe had not help the anger to fade away and the simple thought of her amazing girlfriend compromising herself with that woman was enough to trigger her most primal instincts. While she never had any reason to doubt Amanda when she professed her undying love and commitment to her, Olivia could not help but thinking about that desperately promiscuous woman the blonde once was. One way or another, she'd need to make sure that Amanda was hers and hers only, that this life she had once experienced and enjoyed was behind her, it was the only way they'd be able to move on and build a life together.

"Home, sweet home. How about go change and then reheat that chicken soup?" Both Amanda and Olivia's clothes were covered with snow and the blonde's only desire was to change into something comfortable and warm.

"Yeah." Olivia was following Amanda in her bedroom but wasn't barely paying attention to what the blonde was saying, all she could focus on were those images of her girlfriend in bed with that woman that were flooding her mind.

"And I thought winters in Atlanta were cold, but it's nothing compared to here." For Amanda the incident that had occurred just an hour ago was already in the past and while she could sense that Olivia was not really paying attention, she was far from imagining what was going in her girlfriend's brain and how it would affect their relationship for ever.

"Funny you should say that, I know exactly how to warm us up." Both women were standing next to Amanda's king size bed, the blonde turning her back on it and Olivia a couple of feet from her. Amanda was standing right in front of her, with that smile that could melt Olivia's heart in an instant, her hair and clothes were dripping wet and her erected nipples were visible through the thin fabric of her white shirt. That highly sexualized vision of her girlfriend, was enough to ignite her desire and without considering it first, Olivia pushed Amanda, causing her to fall backward on the bed.

"I like the way you think." Amanda was no stranger to Olivia's sudden excess of passion and while their passionate making out session never ended with them making love, she had learned to enjoy and cherish those moments.

"Shut up and let me take the lead on this." As she took her jacket and shoes of, Olivia slowly started to rotate her head clockwise causing her neck to crackle. While succumbing to her desires usually had no other purpose but to show Amanda how much she loved and desired her and to push her own boundaries, her sole goal here was to make sure that Amanda was hers and no one else's. She had an insatiable thirst to claim Amanda has hers and would not stop until it was satisfied.

"Alright Detective." Amanda was still lying on her back and far from suspecting what was coming at her, snaked her legs around Olivia's and pulled her on top of her. Her desire was quickly rising, she could feel her heart hammering her chest, her breathing becoming more erratic and her inner thighs aching for Olivia's touch.

"I said shut up. I don't know how you and Lisa used to fuck but you're with me now, I'm in charge and we're gonna do things my way." Olivia's touch was now every but gentle. She was sitting on top of her girlfriend, holding both her wrists above her head with her left hand while her right hand was busy unbuttoning Amanda's.

"Wow, honey, calm down, we have the entire night to make love and I'd like for us to take our time." Amanda had nothing against rough sex, but that's not how she she had envisioned their first time, not at all. She wanted Olivia to take her time to undress her and then explore every inch of her body with her tongue, for the first time in years she wanted someone to make love to her.

"I never said we were gonna make love, I'm going to fuck you until you understand that you're mine." After pulling Amanda's zipper down, she reached out for the blonde's throat with her right hand and squeezed as hard as she could.

"Liv, please calm down. I'm yours, you know that, please stop, you're hurting me." Amanda was suddenly that Olivia wasn't playing and looking into up into the brunette's big brown eyes, she realized that something had shifted in her, for the worse. Olivia's fingers were tightening around her throat, making it almost impossible for her to breath, she still had a tight grip on her hands that were still above her hands and the weight of her body pressing on her made it impossible for her to move and the more she tried to escape Olivia's touch, the harder it was for her to even gasp for air.

"Something wrong Amanda? I thought you've been dying for me to fuck you ever since we met?" The more Olivia's fingers tightened around Amanda's throat, the more aroused she was. Still sitting on top of her girlfriend Olivia reached out for her back pocket and pulled her handcuffs, she would need both her hands for what she had in mind but wanted to make sure Amanda wouldn't move.

"Wait, Liv. Look at me, if we do things this way, you're gonna regret it, you won't be able to look at yourself in the mirror tomorrow." Amanda was terrified, she looked up into Olivia's eyes and saw that flame, that rage she had seen before and knew that she was about to lose control and that it was up to her to talk to her out of making the biggest mistake of her life.

Unfortunately Olivia wasn't listening to Amanda anymore and the words flew right by her ears without reaching them and as she closed the handcuffs around the blonde's wrists, the shift towards that person she had long feared of becoming was finally complete.

"Come on Amanda, don't tell me you don't like when things get a little bit rough." Olivia was still on top of her girlfriend and while she could see the terror in the blonde's eyes, she didn't stop. To the contrary, she started kissing her neck while wandering her finger tips on Amanda's shirt before tearing it appart.

Paralyzed by the fear and the vision of what was about to happen, Amanda laid there, on her back, her pants unbuttoned and unzipped, her shirt shredded into pieces, tears streaming down her cheeks. For the first time since she had started dating Olivia, she was finally seeing that darkness the brunette had mentioned and she was completely powerless. Olivia was about to sexually abuse her and she could barely move let alone find the words that would resonate with her.

"Maybe you were right, maybe you're like your father after all." With those few words Amanda finally gave up. She did not possess the physical strength to fight Olivia and she knew that resisting her would only push her more over the edge. So she laid there, tilting her head on the left while she closed her eyes, tears still streaming down her cheeks. The only thing she could hope for now, was that Olivia would be quick and would free her from those handcuffs before running away in shame, because one thing she was sure off was that, once the tension and anger would have faded away, the brunette would emerge from that almost psychotic episode and that she would probably run away.

"What did you just say?" Olivia, who had turned into that person she had vowed never to become, was now kissing Amanda's neck while her fingers were dangerously travelling towards the blonde's lower belly. The tears were dropping from the blonde's chin on her breasts and she could hear her sobbing but that it didn't stop her, what did though, was that word "father."

"Like father, like daughter." Amanda's eyes were still close and knowing how Olivia felt about her biological father, she expected facing serious repercussion for saying those few words out loud but instead she suddenly felt her hands being released from the cold handcuffs and when she finally opened her eyes, Olivia was gone.

Amanda had tried her best to talk Olivia out of hurting her, she had begged her not to and when that didn't work, she started to fight her the best she could, but nothing had managed to bring Olivia back to reality, not even the tears or the sound of her febrile voice begging her to stop. Fortunately for Amanda, as Olivia was about to commit the unthinkable and unforgivable, those four words, _like father, like daughter _that had slipped through her teeth almost as desperately as the last words of death row inmate before his execution would have, were enough to snap Olivia out of that psychotic episode.

Hearing those words, Olivia suddenly sat straight, both her legs folded at each side of her girlfriend's body, looked down only to see her beautiful girlfriend lying below her, her shirt was shredded to pieces, her hands were above her head and handcuffed to the structure of the bed and a simple look at the faded make up was enough for her to realize that Amanda had been crying. Amanda, the woman she loved and had sworn to always protect and respect wasn't even fighting her anymore, she had given up every hope of talking her out of doing this, she had given up on them and was now a lifeless lump below her.

Looking down at her girlfriend, at the damaged she had caused, Olivia was horrified and before Amanda could open her eyes, she reached for the key in her back pocket and released her before jumping out of bed and running towards the door.

Amanda was right, she really was her father's daughter.

* * *

Well, dear readers, I warned you that this chapter was going to be dark and violent but I hope I did not shock you too much.

I decided to keep the details on Olivia's actions to a minimum and not to drag things last longer because I thought it wasn't necessary. This chapter is short but intense and still completely serves its purpose. Sometimes not being too graphic or detailed is better, in my opinion.

Now, question is, can Liv and Amanda work through this terrible event and find their way back to each other?

I have a plan to resolve this and I think it's safe to say that it's going to surprise you.

Thank you for the support, no matter how dark my stories sometimes turn out to be, you guys are always very supportive and encouraging, it means a lot.


	27. Dreams for plans

Thank you guys for the terrific feedback on the last chapter! You rock!

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**Chapter 27 :**

**Dreams for plans : **

Amanda Rollins wasn't a dreamer by any means, if anything she was a very down to earth individual who only risked herself to make plans for the future when all the cards were laying in front of her. She had learned a long time ago to protect herself from disappointment by always wishing for the best while expecting the worst.

Thinking about it, she couldn't pin point the moment when she became so pragmatic, she had grown up in a very loving and supportive family and while her sister's issues and her father's death had forced her to grow faster than she had wished, nothing in her childhood could possibly explain how or when she had turned into this highly distrusting, hopeless woman.

Breaking up with Lisa and later seeing her playing with her had not made things better, to the contrary, it had turned her into a self loathing, insecure gambling addict/womanizer. Whenever she was in bed with yet another woman or when ever she was gambling, she felt in control, like a complete different person, not the passive, submissive woman who would allow Lisa to emotionally abuse and by extension take advantage of her sexually. Or so she thought, because if there was one thing she had learned since Cragen had helped her to go through the 12 steps was that an addict is never in control, he might think he is, but it's only a illusion caused by the rush of adrenaline, that gives the addict this sensation of being invincible.

Being a cop, and having crossed path with a lot of addicts, she was well aware that regardless of how long she'd manage to refrain from gambling for, she would always be an addict and that she'd always have that little voice inside of her, whispering, begging to indulge herself once last time and that this voice would never leave her.

When she was in Atlanta Amanda's gambling habits were not what one would consider as an addiction. She would bet from time to time but remained in control. But when she arrived in New-York and found herself alone, with no friends or family to spend time with during the little free time she had, things got out of control.

Strangely, while she'd spend her days off back in Atlanta going out, haunting for new women to seduce, Amanda had not found herself drawn to the extremely large New York gay scene. While she was well aware of how many gay and lesbian bars and clubs existed in the city, Amanda's sexual needs and desires had seriously faded after she left Atlanta. Maybe it was because, up until now, her sexual promiscuity was only a way for her to cope with how Lisa treated her, a way for her to regain control of her sexuality after every single time her ex would deprave her of it. Maybe, now that she was far away from her, she did not feel the need to act out anymore, truth be told she never really asked herself that question. All she knew was that she had replaced one destructive behaviour by another.

Well, that was until she met Detective Olivia Benson. Strangely, while her first encounter with Olivia was nothing but cold, Amanda had quickly developed romantic feelings for the brunette.

At first it was very innocent, her only goal was to try to get Olivia's attention by excelling in her job, she had studied the brunette's cases for years and she wanted, she needed her recognition.

Then, the desire for recognition and the admiration turned into that vivid fantasy. At first she would sit at her desk and watch Olivia work and just imagine what it would be like to be with someone like her, someone as strong, determined but also compassionate as her. Somehow she was convinced that Olivia would understand and would accept her with her flaws and insecurities, because what she had seen over the years had probably made her a much more tolerant person but also because it was very clear for Amanda that the brunette had had her lot of dark moments in her life.

Strangely, while she was convinced that her own past made her everything but the perfect girlfriend, she perceived Olivia, with all her flaws, as the perfect woman and nothing that she could ever find out about her would ever convince her otherwise. Olivia was the person, that very special someone she had been waiting for her entire life and while she knew deep down that the chances of ever making her fantasies come true were pretty slim, she felt compelled to try to change, to try to be better, to be the best person she could be, in case one day Olivia would decide to acknowledge her presence.

Maybe it wasn't being away from Lisa that had made stop sleeping around, maybe it was just love, that same love she was certain would help her get over her gambling addiction. Because as tolerant as she knew Olivia was, the simple thought of having to face the brunette's look once again was more she could handle.

The more the time passed, the less Amanda would think about gambling and those addictive thoughts were slowly replaced by thoughts of a possible and idyllic future with the brunette, future she'd knew would never happen but future that was keeping her from going off the wagon.

At first, her fantasies were very romantic, she'd imagine herself courting Olivia, taking her out, treating her the way she deserved but soon she started dreaming about making love to the brunette for hours and soon the wet dreams turned into flashes she'd have when they were working.

Amanda knew that allowing herself to fantasize like that wasn't healthy and that the more she allowed herself to, the harder it would be to come back to reality and the more heart broken she'd be the day Olivia would start dating, but it didn't matter. In order to cope with her addictions and failures, she needed that fake life she was envisioning living with Olivia, as a way convincing herself that she had it in her to be the person Olivia needed, that under other circumstances they'd be hell of a couple.

And then, like a miracle, a gift directly from God, Olivia and her started dating and for the first time in her life, Amanda started to make plans for the future. They weren't dreams or fantasies anymore, those images she fell asleep to for months were finally right within her reach.

Obviously, Amanda had not stop being careful and had always remained realistic and the few confessions Olivia had made before they even started had finished convincing her that prudence would have to be the key word to live by, at least until she felt confident that Olivia's issues were sorted out.

Right from that night when Olivia confided in her about her mother, Amanda started to understand just how wounded the brunette was, that it was almost engraved in her DNA, like it was her destiny to pay for her father's sins and she knew that convincing her that she deserved better would be the real challenge of their relationship.

Slowly Olivia continued to open up and to show that dark side of her, she had kept hidden for so many years and far from being disconcerted Amanda stood by her side because as violent as Olivia had revealed she could be or feel, when she looked into her eyes, all she could see was the gentle, extremely empathic woman she had fell in love with on the job and no amount of repressed frustration could ever convince her otherwise.

Amanda had seen many battered wives finding excuses for their husbands' actions but she wasn't one of them. Olivia was worth much more than any of those abusives bastards, proof was, when any one of them would have beaten Lisa down, the brunette had remained in control of her emotions and had simply threatened her.

Now, there was what had just happened, that was pure violence, pure evil even and while to trying to justify Olivia's actions was almost impossible, naive even but Amanda wasn't about to give up on her. She knew deep down that what had made Olivia lose control wasn't her genes, or that dark animal the brunette was convinced inhabited her body and soul, but Lisa's provocation. While she knew Olivia never doubted her loyalty, she knew that the brunette's insecurities were so great that she was convinced that one day she might find someone better than her, someone who could give her everything she couldn't. Somehow, that excess of violence was nothing more than a desperate attempt to prove to herself that Amanda was hers and that she had what it took to make her happy and that, in Olivia's trouble mind and because of that vision she had of Amanda, was sex. Actually, Amanda had expected Olivia to try to use sex as a way to reassure herself and to prove herself to her, she had just failed to foresee that, given the right amount of provocation, it would end up in so much violence.

The situation was truly screwed up and so was Olivia but Amanda was determined to let not this incident ruin their future. Olivia was not a rapist or an abuser, she was just a screwed up, insecure soul who did not posses the skills to ask or show her what she wanted and how she felt, she just needed guidance and support. It wasn't an excuse that Olivia could use to abuse her a second time, it was the truth and as logical as that explanation was to Amanda, she knew that convincing the brunette would be a different story.

At the other side of town, Olivia was only the shadow of the woman she once was, she was laying in bed, her eyes half closed, images of the assault flashing before her eyes.

No matter how hard she tried or how deep she buried her head in the pillow, she could not get rid of those images of Amanda's lifeless body below her. While she wanted to convince herself that she was in a psychotic break state during the attack and that Amanda's last words had snapped her out of it, she knew that in reality, she was aware of her actions the entire time.

Amanda had begged her to stop, she had fought back, telling her she didn't want them to have sex this way but she had kept hurting her and as much as she wanted to believe that the incident with Lisa had trigged that psychotic break, that it had turned her into someone else, she couldn't. The woman who had attacked Amanda was her, it was her true self, that woman she had vowed herself she'd never become. She was responsible for her actions and no provocation, no insecurities, no abused childhood could excuse her behaviour and she knew that she'd have to take responsibility for her actions. How? She didn't know yet, but she knew that one way or another she'd have to pay.

When she first got to her apartment that night, her first instinct was to shower, as if the cold water and rubbing herself would make the shame and self hatred disappear or maybe bring her back in time. Unfortunately once showered and settled in bed in her favorite pyjamas, the reality was exactly the same, she had almost raped her girlfriend, hell she would have if Amanda had not said those words " like father like daughter " and she was right, no matter how hard she tried to deny it and regardless of how long she had managed to control her urges, she was her father's daughter and it was time she stopped fooling herself into thinking she could be different, that her strong desire to be different or her love for Amanda could save her. She had met enough rapists and abusers in her career to know that there was no cure, that once you're born an animal, you die an animal.

When Olivia finally fell asleep the next day around 6 am, in fetal position, her entire body shaking and her eyes were red of the tears she had shed, and it was only a couple of hours later that a familiar presence brought her back to life.

"Amanda what are you doing here?" The sun was shinning in Olivia's face and she couldn't decide if Amanda was really standing in front of her or if the lack of sleep was making her hallucinate.

"I'm here to love you." But it wasn't an hallucination, Amanda was standing next to Olivia's bed, looking down at the brunette who was still a semi-sleeping state.

* * *

I wanted this chapter to be an introspection for both Liv and Amanda but I never expected it to be that deep and dark. But what can I say? I started writing this chapter and literally didn't stop until it was finished.

So, once again I chose to end this with a cliffhanger...

Question is, do you understand Amanda's point of view, that Liv only acted out because of her insecurities, not because she's like her father and that the violence of her desperate attempt to prove to herself that Amanda was hers was only caused by Lisa's provocation?

**More importantly, what did Amanda mean by " I'm here to love you " ?**

**How do you think Olivia will react once she realizes that Amanda is really in her bedroom and once she understands what that sentence means?**


	28. Half way there

Previously :

"Amanda what are you doing here?" The sun was shinning in Olivia's face and she couldn't decide if Amanda was really standing in front of her or if the lack of sleep was making her hallucinate.

"I'm here to love you." But it wasn't an hallucination, Amanda was standing next to Olivia's bed, looking down at the brunette who was still a semi-sleeping state.

**Chapter 27 :**

**Half way there : **

"Amanda, you're really here." Her eyes were still sensitive to the sun light, but Olivia had no doubt that Amanda was really here, standing along side her bed.

" Where else would I be?" When she entered Olivia's appartement, all Amanda wanted was to make sure that she hadn't hurt herself but as she looked down at the brunette and noticed the dried tears on her face, she understood that there was not a hundred ways to fix what Olivia had destroyed, and that she was going to have to take the lead.

"No, please, go away or I might hurt you again." Olivia was pressing her forearms on the mattress for leverage to try to straighten up a bit. She couldn't for the love of God understand why Amanda would take such a risk and come to her appartement, only a few hours after she had attacked her.

"Shhh, everything is going to be okay." Taking a deep breath, Amanda took her shoes off, climbed in bed, settle on top of Olivia, leaned over to gently press her lips against hers.

Olivia laid there, powerless, feeling the entire weight of Amanda's body pinning her against the mattress. She wanted to push her aside, bounce out off bed, rush into her bathroom and hide there until the end of time, but she couldn't. Like Amanda a few hours ago, she was only a lump below the blonde, paralyzed, unable to move or to raise the slightest objection to what was going to happen.

Olivia had spent the past two months, dreaming, fantasizing about making love to Amanda for the first time. She would lay in bed next to her and picture them in a nice hotel room, away from the city, perfumed candles strategically laid across the room, romantic music, maybe a fire place but most importantly, they were supposed to take their time to explore each other's bodies, to wander their tongues on each other skin in a perfectly synced and mutual expression of their eternal love. Unfortunately after what she had done, she knew that they'd never have the idyllic first time they had envisioned.

While the sun was lightening the entire bedroom up, Olivia's face was hidden by the shadow of the massive lamp on her night stand, making it hard for Amanda to read her facial expressions. What she could feel though, was Olivia's entire body shaking below her, the brunette knew exactly what was going to happen and she was terrified and it was up to her to calm her down so she could relax and enjoy the ride.

Just like Olivia, Amanda had imagined making love with her a million times and in all her fantasies, the brunette was on top, not her. Unfortunately circumstances had changed and it was up to her to take charge and show Olivia what being loved truly meant, to show her that she was safe with her, both emotionally and physically.

Still sitting on top of her, Amanda continued to kiss Olivia while slowly unbuttoning the shirt she was wearing, revealing a black bra, that was very flattering to her breasts. Dropping the shirt on the floor, Amanda then unclasped her bra before throwing it on the floor as well, revealing her bare chest to the brunette.

Feeling no objection from Olivia, Amanda reached out for the brunette's hand and placed in on her bare back.

"Amanda..." Olivia's eyes were wild opened and Amanda's breasts were so close to her face that she thought she could give her nipples a quick flick with her tongue but decided against it.

"It's okay, you don't have to touch me, I'm going to take care of you, this is all about you okay?" Olivia's left hand was still on her back but remained still.

Far from being hurt or disconcerted by Olivia's lack of initiative, Amanda continued to kiss her for a little while before gently dragging her tongue all the way to the her collar bone.

For the first time since Lisa and her had broke up, Amanda wanted to make love to someone, to take her time to explore every single inch of Olivia's body with her tongue and fingers, to focus on her lover's pleasure. This wasn't about getting off, but about proving to Olivia how she truly felt about and that what had happened the previous night had not comprised her feelings or changed her intentions.

So for the next hour Amanda literally worshiped Olivia's body, first by gently reaching below the brunette tank top and carefully caressing her magnificent breasts, tickling her erected nipples with her thumb.

Feeling Amanda's tongue roaming on her neck and her fingers wandering on her chest, Olivia slowly started to relax and to enjoy herself and without her noticing it, her arousal slowly started to rise, causing her breathing to become more erratic and her heart to start hammering her chest. Never in her entire life had she met someone who could turn her on that way, without any genital stimulation and while her brain was struggling to fight the desire, her body had given up.

Slowly, as she felt that Olivia was starting to enjoy herself, Amanda continued to drag her tongue on Olivia's torso, between her breasts, all the way to her belly button.

To her big surprise, Olivia didn't raise any objection when she pulled her PJ's down and started kissing her inner thighs or even when minutes later she started stroking her clitoris with the tip of her tongue.

"Oh..." Olivia's body was slowly relaxing under the blonde's touch and he even started to stroke Amanda's hair with her left hand. Amanda's touch was both gentle and passionate and the more Amanda's tongue continued to stroke her clitoris, the more she could feel her arousal streaming down her folds, directly on the blonde's lips.

"You like that baby?" Amanda had settled between Olivia's legs and was keeping a strong grip on them with both her arms, she was expecting some resistance and was determined to not allow Olivia to escape. For months she had dreamed about being right there between Olivia Benson's legs and it was well worth the wait, not only the brunette natural body sent was partilarly exquisite but she also tasted remarkably good.

Looking up, seeing the brunette nodding, Amanda continued to stroke her now swollen clitoris with her tongue, drawing small circle around it, as gently as she could. She had slept with dozens of women after her and Lisa had broken up and she had never really cared about her partners' pleasure, she was getting off and it all that mattered.

This was different though, she wasn't banging some girl picked up in a bar, she was making love to the woman she wanted to spend the rest of her life with and her only obsession was to pleasure her to the full extend to her abilities.

So she continued to devour Olivia's clitoris while gently stroking her inner thighs with her thumbs. The brunette whose chest was rising up and down, following the rhythm of the flicks of Amanda's tongue was started to get extremely aroused and wet, but was still relatively tense.

So in a attempt to accelerate things a bit, and push her over the edge, hoping she's finally lose control and allow herself to give in to her desires, Amanda thrusted her tongue deep inside the brunette's folds.

"No, wait, I can't. I'm sorry." Unfortunately Amanda's confidence had the complete opposite effect on Olivia, who quickly escaped her grip, flipped on her side, positioned herself in fetal position and started shaking.

"It's okay Olivia, thank you for allowing me to go that far, I love you." Shaking her head, Amanda made her way up and positioning herself on her left side, snaked her right arm around Olivia and kissed the back of the brunette's neck.

"You shouldn't." Once again, overwhelmed by an feeling of shame and disgust over her own actions, Olivia wanted to run, but she couldn't. Amanda strong arms around her, she felt loved, cared for and while she could barely believe it, it seemed that the blonde had forgiven her and that she wasn't frightened anymore. While Amanda's commitment to repair the damaged she had caused was evident, Olivia knew that she would have to pitch in and make drastic efforts if she wanted to salvage their relationship, but could she? How could she fight for their relationship when she didn't believe she deserved Amanda's forgiveness?

* * *

Okay guys, this chapter sucks, I know.

I know most of you figured out that Amanda was offering herself to Olivia but I bet none of you were expecting things to take that turn and to be honest me neither.

At first I wanted Amanda , to make love to Olivia, to make her climax and everything but then I realized that given Olivia's state of mind, it wouldn't be realistic that she would just let Amanda go all the way that easily.

But at least Olivia tried and I think this is a good sign, right?

What happened in the previous chapter won't be resolved that easily but hopefully Amanda will succeed in convincing Olivia that she deserves her and her forgiveness.

Don't worry, I don't see Olivia fighting and pushing her away for ever. She's exhausted, both physically and emotionally and she just doesn't have the strength to argue with Amanda, and I think the blonde is gonna use it to her advantage and talk to her in the next chapter.

Thoughts?

Hopefully the next chapter will be much lighter, it might even make you laugh a bit.


	29. Liberated

**Chapter 29 :**

**Liberated : **

Olivia woke up around noon, her back still turned on Amanda and the blonde's arms still snaked around her. Wandering her fingers on her girlfriend's forearms and looking down at her half naked body, she realized that she had not dreamed all this,, Amanda had really came to her appartement and attempted to seduce her.

"Your feet are cold." Amanda was a very light sleeper and the slightest move from Olivia's part would make her up, making it hard for the brunette to even go to the bathroom during the night without waking her up.

"You're awake..." Hearing Amanda's voice, Olivia immediately froze. She realized that Amanda was probably still shirtless and while this thought was highly arousing, it also made her slightly uncomfortable.

"You know I'm light sleeper, but it's okay, I was awake anyway. Come on Liv, turn around and look at me." Unlike Olivia, Amanda was very comfortable by this nudity and physical proximity.

"I can put my pants and some socks on if you want." Before turning around, Olivia closed her eyes for a minute to gather her thoughts, Amanda seemed fairly relaxed and comfortable with this situation and she was hoping that by looking at her, she'd feel equally relaxed.

"Nah, unless you feel uncomfortable." Amanda was now looking at Olivia in the eyes and noticed that she was also, very respectfully looking at her in the eyes.

"No, I'm not fifteen anymore, so as long as you stay close to me to warm me up a little bit, I have no issue being half naked." Suddenly, Olivia felt the need to feel Amanda's body against her, so with her left hand she gently pulled her into her embrace.

"Good, what about what happened earlier? Are you okay with that too?" Amanda's legs were know snaked around Olivia's and her naked chest was pressing against the brunette's.

"Yes, at first I didn't understand why you would offer yourself to me after I sexually assaulted you, but then I figured that extremes situations called for extreme measures and that fighting extreme violence with unconditional love was pretty amazing, but you still took a big risk." The simple evocation of that terrible incident made Olivia's body cringe, Amanda might be willing to forgive her but she would never forgive herself.

"Yes, I did and make no mistake what happened can not happen again, if you ever touch me again, I will not only leave you, put in for a transfert but also press charges and you'll never see me again. I think I can work past what happened just this once, and work with you to fix it, but it will be the last time." While being extremely understanding, Amanda wanted to make it clear that she will not tolerate such a behaviour another time, that she was giving Olivia a chance, only one and that she better not waste it.

"Of course not, Oh Amanda, I'm so sorry, I don't even know what happened and I don't want to try to find excuses. Regardless of how insecure and jealous I felt after meeting Lisa, I should have controlled my emotions better and I promise you that I will eat my gun before hurting you again." Truth be told, Olivia had spent a fair amount of time staring at her gun on her night stand and had considered taking her own life, but probably out of cowardice she had decided against it and now she had a change to make things right.

"I hope it will never come to that and to be honest with you, I actually came to your place because I was afraid that you might have hurt yourself and I swear when I stepped into this bedroom my heart stopped for a minute and then I heard you sobbing and realized you were okay."

"Oh baby, I'm so sorry for worrying you so much, I hurt you twice..." She had hurt Amanda and yet it was the blonde had worried enough to check up on her, what had she done to deserve someone so selfless and carrying would for ever remain a mystery.

"You did but I want us to work past it. Like I said, I don't want to find you any excuses but I understand where you're coming from and I really need you to never go back to that place, please, I won't be able to handle it another time." For the first time since Olivia and her had started dating, Amanda was finally showing a sign of weakness and it was for the best. She needed Olivia to see that she was only human and that she had her limits.

"I won't. Obviously I can't promise you that I won't feel insecure or jealous in the future but right now, I don't feel that darkness anymore. It's very strange but I feel liberated." And she was completely sincere, for the first time in a long long time, Olivia was completely serene and relaxed.

"Maybe you needed to go over the edge, see what was on the other side to realize that you didn't belong there." Or so she hoped.

"Yeah, it's really strange, but I while I won't try to over analyze it, I'm going to do everything I can to remain in this new state of mine, I promise." Somehow losing control had allowed her to regain it and to free herself from many years of internalized self hatred and anger and she was determined to do everything in her power not to fall back in the abyss she had been trapped in for so many years.

"Good, maybe you could talk to Doctor Huang, the two of you are pretty close right?" As much as she loved and was willing to support her, Amanda knew that there was things Olivia would not feel comfortable talking about and that there was limit to the help she could provide. Knowing Olivia she suspected that Dr Huang was probably the professional she would feel comfortable working with.

"Yes, he knows about my mom and he helped me when I met my brother and started to doubt her version of the rape. He's a good psychiatrist and a good friend. You're right, I think I should talk to him and see if he can help me putting the past behind me once and for all." Olivia had consulted with several psychiatrists over the years, especially after she was sexually assaulted while undercover but strangely, Dr Huang was the only one she felt comfortable confiding in.

"Good, good. So, since you're okay with what happened, mind telling me if you enjoyed yourself?" Now that the ice was broken and that they had adressed the incident, Amanda was eager to get Olivia's feedback on what she had done to her.

"Yes, I did and I'm sorry that I didn't let you finish, but for what it's worth, you're very talented with your tongue." Amanda's candour brought the biggest smile on Olivia's face. As confident as she appeared and as comfortable as she was with her sexuality, she still needed reassurance.

"Don't worry about it. I consider what happened as a ...preview and now that you know what to expect, I'm sure you won't resist me much longer." Smiling, Amanda pressed her lips against Olivia's and rolled on top of her.

"You're probably right." God knows she wanted to make love to her, now more than ever but she was realistic enough to know that she still had a long way to go before being completely ready to show the extend of her love to Amanda, at least physically. Hopefully now that she had the strong feeling that her darkness was finally starting to fade away and with Dr Huang helped, she'd soon be able to forgive herself for what she had done and finally commit herself completely to their relationship.

* * *

So guys, what do you think? I promised you a sweet chapter right? After a couple of intense chapters, I figured you deserved some fluff.

One of you mentioned that Amanda was acting like a battered wife, finding excuses to explain Olivia's behaviour and you were not completely wrong. Amanda's forgiveness was precipitated so I thought it was important for them to have a serious talk about what happened and for her to make it clear that she her forgiveness was only a one time favor.

PS : While I intend to write about Liv's session(s) with Dr Huang, they won't take over the story. Don't worry, I won't rush Liv's "recovery" but from now on, expect happy chapters, full of love and fluff, especially since Xmas is coming soon.

Thanks for the support.


	30. Professional advice

30 chapters, 346 reviews, what can I say? When I started this story I thought, because the ship was relatively new and the Alex/Liv ship still going strong, that nobody would be interested. I was wrong and I wanted to thank all of you who have been following, reviewing, giving me advice since the beginning and welcome all the new readers who have joined us since! Don't be shy and drop me a line! I don't bite!

* * *

**Chapter 30 :**

**Professional Advice : **

A week has passed since the "incident" and it was now the middle of december. After their open heart conversation, both women agreed, for the sake of their relationship and for Olivia to remain in her newly "liberated" state of mind, that the brunette needed to talk to a professional.

The decision to confide in Dr Huang came as an evidence, he had known Olivia for the past twelve years and had advised her when she first came in contact with her half brother Simon and helped her and the rest of the team through several though investigations. He knew her both professionally and personally and had a deep understand of who she was and seemed the most adequate person to help her make sense of her recent actions.

"What time do you think you'll be home?" Home, that was how Amanda and Olivia considered the blonde's appartement, where they spent 99% of their free time and nights.

"I don't know, it depends how long our conversation lasts." Dr Huang was still on assignment in Oklahoma City but luckily for Olivia he was currently in New-York for a conference and despite his busy schedule, had agreed to have dinner at her place.

"You know, you don't have to drive all the way back to my place afterwards, we can spend a night appart right?" Amanda and Olivia have drove to the brunette's after their shift to prepare the delicious meal Olivia had planned on serving Huang.

"Sure we can, but I don't want to, don't worry, I don't mind driving to your place, regardless of the time." Olivia could have asked Dr Huang to meet her to any restaurant around Amanda's appartement but she chose to have dinner with him at her place, where she knew she'd feel more comfortable.

"Alright, don't forget to bring any left overs with you, God knows the next time you'll be at your place and I don't want my lasagna to rot in your fridge."

"Me neither, speaking of which, have I thanked you for cooking those lasagna for us?" The day had been pretty quiet at the station, leaving the two women with the opportunity to go home early and for Amanda to cook a delicious dinner for Olivia and her guest.

"No need to thank me, George is going to help you and offering him take out isn't the most appropriate way to thank him and I let's just say that I have seen you with a pan..." Amanda and Olivia had many things in common but one thing they didn't share was Amanda's taste and talent for cooking.

"I..can cook simple meals...This is going to be a problem between us, isn't it?" Both women were standing in the brunette's kitchen and in a attempt to sweet talk Amanda, Olivia snaked her arms around her waist and pouted, giving her best sad dog impression.

"Not for me, being in a relationship doesn't mean we have to share the same interests and besides there are a lot of other domestic chores you're good at and that I hate like vacuuming or ironing and I think that makes us the perfect team." Amanda's mother was the proud owner of a thriving catering business and had thought her daughters to cook from a very young age.

"Not for you, but it is for your mother..." Thanksgiving had went exceptionally well but Olivia was still worried that some of her flaws, her lack of talent in the kitchen for instance, would compromise her relationship with Amanda's mother.

"Let's just say that cooking is very important for us, that's how my family always bounded and after my dad died and my mother opened her business, it helped us cope and it brought the family closer."

"I can completely picture the three of you in the kitchen, preparing Thanksgiving and Christmas dinner while gossiping on the rest of the family and your friends."

"Yes, I guess that's how we spend our holidays and trust me, you're gonna get the full experience at Christmas." Just before leaving New York, Amanda's mother had invited Olivia to spend Christmas with them in Atlanta and the blonde was extremely impatient to introduce her to the rest of the family.

"I can't wait." Truth be told, Olivia was extremely nervous about meeting Amanda's extended family, not that she wasn't eager to see where the blonde had grown up but she truly had no idea how she was going to handle and seduce that many people at the same time.

"Don't worry about it, our family is pretty small and since my dad was an only child the only people you're going to be introduced to will be my Aunt Rebecca, her husband Jerry, their only son Tom, his wife Ashley and their six year old twins Alex and Julia. Don't worry, as soon as they see you with the twins, they'll know exactly why I fell in love with you." Amanda was acting very casual about introducing Olivia to her small but extremely close family but since she had not brought anyone to a family diner since Lisa and her had broke up 10 years ago, she knew that her family was under the impression that Olivia was very important for her and she was scared that they would bring up some sensitive topics such as marriage or children.

"I'll do my best to impress them. Now please, George should be here soon and if sees you, he's gonna ask you to stay and I would really appreciate having him to myself tonight."

"I know, well I will be waiting for you at home. I love you."

"I love you too."

George arrived about thirty minutes later, a bottle of wine in his hand.

"So, Olivia, how have you been doing since the last time we met?" Dr Huang had been on an assignment in Oklahoma City for the past two years and had last seen Olivia about six months ago when he offered to help them on a case during one of his visit to New York .

"Well, as you know Amanda and I have been dating for the past two months." Olivia said walking towards the dinner table, two large plates of lasagna in her hands.

"Thank you. Yes, I must admit that I was half surprised when I heard." George replied, politely nodding as Olivia handed him his plate.

"Yeah, I know, between the rumours that Alex and I were an item and that gay vibe people seem to get from me, nobody was really surprised to find out that I was dating a woman." Smiling through grinned teeth, Olivia poured some wine in George's glass and sat down.

"Well, I would be lying if I told you that you never pinged. I always figured you were bisexual. Was Amanda the first woman you ever dated?" Taking a slight sip at his drink, George started to study Olivia's body language, she was comfortably sitting in her chair and wasn't avoiding contact and seemed rather willing to talk about this new relationship.

"Yes she was. I was never opposed to the idea of being with a woman and considering my track record with men, I, once or twice wondered if things would be different if I was dating women, but up until I met Amanda, I never met a woman who managed to tickle my curiosity hard enough for me to take the leap between wondering and acting."

"That's very understandable, you have been dating men your entire life and successfully or not, this was all you've known so far. I'm glad that you met someone special enough, who you could trust to guide you through this transition." Dr Huang had only met Amanda once and knowing how complex Olivia was, he was very curious to figure out just how special she was.

"Yes, I don't think I could have picked up a woman in a bar, taken her home and slept with her just to find out if I could be with a woman. This isn't about sex but creating a sincere and deep relationship and has it turned out, Amanda helped me figure things out on a much deeper level." While she enjoyed evoking the discovery of her bisexuality, Olivia had invited George for a completely different issue and she knew that the longer she waited to bring it up, the harder it would be.

"Do you mean your mother?" As a psychiatrist, Dr Huang knew that Olivia's unawareness of her bisexuality had only played a small part in her failing dating life and that her relationship with her mother and the way she had been brought to this world had done more damage than anything else.

"Yes, among other things. You know for at least the first couple of years, working in this unit gave me an insight into my mother's mind and hope that I would eventually catch her rapist, which exactly what I was looking when I first transfered there. But quickly, as I spent more time with the very same kind of criminals that had hurt my mother, I started to catch a glimpse of what had made them so violent and cruel and I came to the conclusion who we were was defined by a combination of DNA and education."

"And then you realized that you had both half the genes of a violent rapist and had been raised in an abusive home."

"Yes, and I know you're gonna tell me that one's desire to be better than the malicious product of DNA or unfortunate upbringings is stronger but I have felt years feeling this violence inside me slowly building up and taking over my best intentions. No matter how many lives I saved or victims I helped, that darkness never left me until I met Amanda." Had the darkness left her completely? She certainly hoped so and for the first time in twenty years she actually started to believe it.

"May I ask what Amanda did to help you through this?" Huang had always suspected that Olivia possessed the dark side she was describing but never dared to question her about it and listening to her, he had a feeling that she had been doing some serious work on herself to finally get rid of that side of her personality.

"Well, when I told her about that my mother and what had happened to her and about that side of me, she told me that I was better than what DNA or than the abuse my mother had put me through but most importantly she encouraged me to express my anger and frustration instead of denying and burying it inside." Thinking about it, what Amanda had suggested her do was common sense and Liv was well aware that keeping negatives feelings inside was always the worst thing to do, that they just pilled up until you can't take it anymore and explode. Unfortunately being common sense didn't mean that it was easy to accomplish.

"She was right, keeping negatives feelings inside is never healthy but we both know that letting go of our demons is never an easy process, especially when you have no one to help you."

"Yes, I always thought if I ever unleashed those demons, that I would turn into him and I did, or at least I came pretty close to." Olivia's entire body was now very tensed, she was avoiding eye contact and her fingers were clenched around the napkin she had in her right hand.

"What happened Olivia?" At that precise moment, George understood why Olivia had asked him to come have dinner with her and while he was flattered to be consider as an ally, he feared that the brunette might have crossed a line.

"Well, first you need to know that I mostly felt that I was going to explode when in the interrogation room with a suspect or if one of our investigation wasn't progressing as I wished. What Amanda and I agreed on was that, whenever I would feel like I was going to lose it, instead of just keeping everything inside, she would take me to the break room where I would either scream as loud as I could while biting a pillow to avoid making too much noise, or I just punch the walls or the door as hard as I could until I could feel the skin peeling off. Amanda was always there to pick me up and comfort me afterwards and I would just go back to work, relieved and ready to move on. But one day..." Shaking her head, Liv felt her heart pounding in her chest, she was starting to remember that night where everything changed and was trying to find a way to explain things to George in a way that wouldn't shock him or make him think less of her.

"You assaulted Amanda." While Dr Huang admired Amanda's desire to help her and her rather straight forward method, he wished they would have consulted him before attempting anything.

"Yeah. It was about a week ago, we had spent the afternoon ice skating and we were just about to have dinner in that Italian restaurant when we spotted Amanda's ex girlfriend. I knew she had been trying to win her back and that Amanda had met with her a while back to tell her that she was with me now and and that she had no intention of playing those games they used to play ever again. When I saw Lisa taunting us, inviting us to join her at her table, I saw red but I managed to control myself. I gently dragged her into the bathroom and made it clear that Amanda was with me and we left. I was actually proud of myself for not lashing out on her."

"But then when you got home, your insecurities and fears of seeing Amanda reconcile with her resurfaced." Saying those words, George reached out for Liv's hand, he had seen her under pressure and overwhelmed over the years but this was personal and his approach needed to be friendly, not professional.

"Yes, I ...pushed her on her bed, climbed on top of her, immobilised her hands above her head and started to kiss her. At first she started telling me that this wasn't the way we should have sex for the first time but I told her to shut up and I ended up handcuffed her. I then tore her shirt appart and continued to touch her. At this point she was screaming, begging me to stop, telling me that this wasn't who I was, that I was going to regret it, but I wouldn't listen." Olivia had replayed this moment a million times in her head but talking about it made things even more intense, and the images of the assault started to flash before her eyes.

"What made you stop?" As distraught and confused as Olivia was, he refused to believe that she could have raped Amanda.

"After a few minutes, she stopped fighting and told me that I was right, that I was like my father after all and that's when I literally snapped out of it and ran away and you know how she reacted? She came to my place the next morning to see if I hadn't hurt myself and she tried to...seduce me to show me what true love was and that it could heal any wounds." Saying it out loud, Amanda's actions were barely believable, but Olivia's description was extremely accurate, both on Amanda's actions but also on her intentions.

"She sounds very supportive and dedicated." George had heard many confession in his career both as an FBI agent and also as a psychiatrist but listening to his friend confessing to sexually assaulting his girlfriend, he found himself unable to responde anything more eloquent.

"She is, you know at first I was paralyzed, unable to move, because I was both physically exhausted after spending the night crying but also because I was shocked that she would offer herself to me less than 12 hours after I sexually assaulted her. So I let her pleasure me, I tried to relax but I had to ask her stop after a few minutes, I just couldn't go through with it. Afterwards we took a quick nap and once we both felt ready, we talked about what had happened and agreed we shouldn't let my actions define or compromise our relationship and you know what the most ironic part is? I haven't felt angry or frustrated since I attacked Amanda. It's like the darkness is gone, but I still wanted to talk to you and get your professional opinion, to make sure things stay that way." Olivia knew too well that if she didn't not continue to work on her issues, her sudden "liberation" wouldn't last and was hoping that George could help her avoid it.

"I'm glad you did, Liv, I'm really glad you did and I promise that I'm going to do everything in my power to help you and Amanda sort things out and build a healthier relationship." And that was exactly why he wished they had called him sooner. Amanda's actions despite being admirable, heroic even, weren't adequate and he could only wish that the two women would slow things down and follow his advice from now on. Surprisingly while patients tend to stop treatment once they start feeling better and he was glad to see that Olivia did not considered her newly found peace of mind as granted.

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Hi guys,

I apologize if the beginning was a bit slow and boring but I wanted to adress the Christmas dinner Olivia was invited to. I thought it was better to talk about it now instead of just flying them to Atlanta without even mentioning it first.

What did you think of Liv's conversation with Huang? I know that if might have seemed redondant to have Liv tell him about the incident and her darkness, things you've read about a million times already, but we all agreed that she needed professional so here it is. I know Huang hasn't given her any advice yet, but patience, Rome wasn't made in one day and for a first " session" I think seeing Olivia sharing without holding back was a pretty big step.


	31. The memory of him

**Chapter 31 :**

**The memory of him :**

A week had passed since Olivia had dinner with George and it was now the 22nd of December.

After their rather intense and revealing dinner, Georges offered weekly skype discussions, offer Olivia was more than happy to accept. She knew, while she felt much more in peace comfortable with her own identity, that maintaining her newly found happiness could prove to be a long and possibly painful process and was determined to do everything in her power to not fail her girlfriend ever again.

Luckily for her, Olivia could always count on Amanda's unconditional support and optimism and while the blonde was first reluctant to talk to George on a weekly basis, she quickly obliged and had already talked to him a couple of times.

"So, do we have everything we need, or should I go buy another suitcase?" It was the day before the two women were flying to Atlanta to spend Christmas with Amanda's family and after spending the entire day shopping, Amanda and Olivia were now packing.

"No, I think we're good. I know I might have lost it in that toy store, but the twins are so adorable that it's impossible to not want to spoil them." Since Amanda's sister was still single so their cousin's twins were the only children they got to take care of and spoil and she had every intention of making up for the long months she had stayed away from them with a lot of presents.

"It's fine, you only have them to spoil, so I get it." Christmas had always been the most difficult holiday for Olivia and she had made a habit of either working on both Christmas eve and Christmas day so her fellow officers could celebrate with their family or spending it with Eliot's family. This year it was different though, she was going to spend it with someone she was dating, and whom she was truly in love with and while meeting her extended family worried her, that feeling of finally having a family of her own filled her heart up with happiness, feeling she was not accustomed to.

"Liv, what is it? You've been so quiet all week. Is it about Eliot? Because if you need to see him before we leave, I'll drive you to Queens myself." After closing the suitcase that was laying on her bed, Amanda turned around, look up into Olivia's big brown eyes and Snaked her arms around her waist. The brunette had been withdrawn all week and she was hoping Olivia would finally confide in her before they left for Atlanta.

"No, Eliot and I are done, took me a while to wrap my head around it but I moved on. It's just..." Olivia gently escaped Amanda's embrace and walked towards the bed, pushed the suitcase aside and sat down.

"Is it about your mother?" Amanda knew better than anyone how painful holidays when one of your parents wasn't around anymore and while she knew how complicated Liv's relationship with her mother was, she couldn't help but thinking that the brunette still missed her very much.

"No, where do I start? About three years ago, I met this woman Viviane whose mother had been raped forty years ago under the same circumstances as my mother and for a while I had this crazy idea that we might have been sisters." Her heads down, Olivia started to shake, mentioning Viviane and Calvin was always very emotional for her.

"Was she?" Amanda sat next to Olivia, reached out for her right knee and gently gave it a little squeeze, showing her support.

"No. She didn't even know that her mother had been raped until I told her. Like my mother she remained unable to connect with her daughter to show her any sign of affection or love. It was just too hard for her to watch Viviane every single day and see her rapist in her you know?"

"I can understand that, she was the constant reminded of the worst thing that had ever happened to her." Nodding Amanda started to see the similarities between her story and Vivian's and couldn't help but wondering what had happened next.

"Unfortunately, unlike me, she never knew why her mother was incapable of loving her and she started using and remained an addict for most of her life. A few days after we met, her mother died and she didn't handle it very well. She left town and gave me custody of her ten year old son." All this had happened three years ago but the memory of Calvin sitting at her desk holding that enveloppe was still very vivid.

"Oh Liv..."

"I had no way to find her, so I took Calvin in and for about a month we lived together and established a pretty strong relationship, but to give you the short version, Vivan came back and when Calvin's biological father found out that she was in town after years of not seeing them, he shot her girlfriend, who was also a junkie. Before he was sent to prison he gave custody to his parents who live in Vermont and Vivian eventually went to rehab. Calvin and I skype regularly but I have only seen him three times since his grand parents took him away." And just like that, the simple thought of Calvin being taken away from her was enough to make Liv burst into tears.

"Oh baby, I'm so sorry..." Shaking her head, Amanda pulled Olivia in her arms and started to pat her back to try to calm her down. Up until now, Olivia had shared many of her past wounds with her but she had no idea that there was a little boy out there she considered as her own and who had been taken away from her and she suddenly realized just how painful this Christmas was going to be for her, especially with the twins to remind her of him and what she had lost.

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Hi guys, I never planned this chapter but with Christmas coming and Olivia meeting Amanda's family, I figured it would made sense for her to miss Calvin and that she'd want to talk to Amanda about him and their relationship.

I know this chapter was short and pretty crappy but I promise the next one (Christmas dinner) will be better. I know I often say that but I think I'm pretty irregular and once in a while I give you a shitty chapter but I always make up for it right?

PS : I know I usually update every two days but I'm flying to France on thursday so I won't be able to update until Friday...


	32. Christmas Spirit

I'm back! I'm sorry for not updating when I was in France but being there, I just feel brain dead and I can not for the love of God write or do anything else remotely creative. I hope you guys enjoyed Christmas with your loved ones and that you haven't overeaten to the point where you fell asleep after the first course like I did...I so need to go on a post Christmas diet now, but I have no regrets what so ever, I only eat oysters and foie gras once a year after all!

Enjoy this chapter.

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**Chapter 32 :**

**Christmas spirit :**

The next day and after a two and half hour flight, Amanda and Olivia finally arrived at the Rollins' residence in the historical neighbourhood of Inman Park, in east Atlanta. While Olivia remained extremely nervous about meeting the rest of Amanda's family, she felt confident that the friendly relationship she had developed with Adele and Dorothy would make things much easier for her.

"This is your parents' house?" As she handed a few bills to the cab driver before getting out of the car, Olivia's breath was immediately taken away as she laid her eyes on the magnificent Victorian house standing in front of her.

"Yes, it is, now come on. It's freezing out here." Amanda had visited her mother right before Olivia and her had started dating, but coming back to her childhood always had this soothing effect on the blonde and she was hoping being here would have the same effect on her girlfriend.

"Yeah." As Olivia was following Amanda towards the house, carrying two large suit cases, she couldn't help but wondering how a fire man and a nurse could have been able to afford such a magnificent home in such an affluent neighbourhood. Was Amanda's family wealthy or had they inherited this property?

"Mom, we're here." Dropping the bags on the floor as she stepped into the house, Amanda instinctively walked towards the living room, hoping her mother would be in there.

"Oh, Amanda, Olivia, I didn't hear you coming. How was your flight? You know I could have picked you up at the airport." Dorothy was so focused on sorting her Christmas decorations out that she almost jumped out of her skin when she heard her daughter's voice.

"The flight was okay. I see you were about to decorate the tree." Amanda asked as she walked towards her mother, her arms wide open.

"I was just sorting them out, you know I wouldn't have started without you. Olivia it's so nice to see you again." Pushing Amanda aside, Dorothy walked towards the brunette and pulled her into her warm embrace.

"It's very nice to see you too. You have a very wonderful home." Politely returning Dorothy's display of affection, Olivia took a minute to wonder her eyes around her. While the house itself was of Victorian style, the furniture, wallpaper and other decorative items were rather modern and extremely tasteful.

"Thank you. Has Amanda told you how my late husband and I got that house?" Dorothy was well aware that Olivia was not accustomed to celebrate Christmas with family and she was determined to make her as comfortable as possible and was hoping that the brunette would feel enough at home in her house to visit her more often in the future.

"No, she didn't but I would love for you to tell me." Olivia replied as she slowly released herself from Dorothy's embrace.

"Amanda, would you mind taking your luggage upstairs while I tell Olivia about how your father and I acquired the house?" Dorothy said, looking at Amanda who was standing a few feet away.

"Sure. I'll be right back, you're gonna love the story. I promise." Amanda wasn't particularly eager to carry the three suitcases upstairs but she could tell that Olivia was curious to listen to her mother's story.

"Before I forget, I prepared the guest room for Olivia so you can leave her things there." While Dorothy was very tolerant and open minded when it came to her daughter's sexuality, she still had some very traditional values, and she coudn't conceive that her unmarried daughter shared a bed with her girlfriend, regardless of how much she appreciated her.

"Mom, come on. I'm not twenty anymore! Olivia and I are two grown women." The last woman she had brought home was Lisa over ten years ago and she had hoped that now that she was in her mid thirties her mother would spare her of this stupid rule but she was obviously wrong.

"Age doesn't have anything to do with this, so unless you and Olivia got married without me knowing, the two of you will not share a bed while staying in my house. End of discussion." Dorothy was not naive and suspected that Olivia and Amanda had already had sex, but she was hoping that they would refrain from engaging in any kind of sexual activity for the next few days.

"Your mother is right Amanda, she is welcoming us in her home so the least we can do is respect her rules. Don't worry I'm sure I'll be perfectly comfortable in the guest room." Positioning herself between mother and daughter, Olivia then snaked her arms around Amanda's waist and kissed her tenderly to keep her from arguing things further. Truth be told, the more time passe, the more frisky Amanda became and Olivia had a feeling that the blonde was planning on using this vacation to seduce her again and she was hoping that Dorothy's rule would dissuade her from attempting anything.

"Alright, alright but I can't promise that I won't sneak out in the middle of the night, you know that I have trouble sleeping when you're not holding me." While Amanda could have easily argued with her mother but knowing how important for her to make a good impression, chose to follow Olivia's lead.

"So Olivia, let me tell you about our modest house." As she watched Amanda walking away with the luggage, Dorothy smiled internally, happy that her daughter had finally found someone who was not only more mature than Lisa ever was but also respectful of her rules.

"Yes please, Amanda told me that you raised both her sister and herself in this house?" Looking around at all the Christmas decorations and the 8 feet tall tree in front of her, Olivia realized just how different Amanda's childhood and hers had been. While the Rollins obviously celebrated Christmas in the pure American tradition, her mother never bothered to buy a tree or to decorate their house like this or to prepare a traditional meal and was often too drunk to appreciate the presents Olivia still insisted on getting her.

"Well, my late husband's father purchased the house back in the 50's when the upper class started to move to the suburbs, leaving the blue collar workers behind. He and my mother in law died in a car accident in 1978, just a few weeks after we found out I was expecting Amanda. My husband, who was a single child, inherited the house but a week before were supposed to move in, a fire burned the house next door down, almost destroying our house in the process." Standing in front of the fire place, Dorothy reached out for a picture of her and her husband standing in front of the house, taken the day they finally moved it.

"Oh, you look like you're almost ready to give birth on this picture. Did your husband spend your entire pregnancy rehabilitating the house?"

"Yes he did. We both worked and lived downtown at the time and I remember trying to convince him to just sell the house as it was thinking we would still get a good price for it and that would use the money to buy ourselves our own house."

"But your husband didn't want to abandon part of his family history."

"No, he grew up in that house and that's where he wanted to raise our children. After making sure that the house would be ready before I gave birth to Amanda I finally agreed and with the help of many of his colleagues and my brother in law, whom you will meet tomorrow, we were able to move in a few weeks before my due date. Looking back, it was the right thing to do, not only because my husband was extremely attached to the place but also because the schools here are great, not to mention there are a lot of parks. I know we could easily sell it 10 times the price my father in law got it for it but I'm hoping Adele will perpetuate the tradition and raise her children here." Living in this house filled up with all those happy memories had been extremely painful since her husband had died and while she could have easily sold it and purchase a smaller house, Dorothy couldn't bring herself to.

"Well, I have the feeling that Adele was perfectly happy living in Atlanta and that she had intention of leaving." When she met Amanda's sister at Thanksgiving dinner, Olivia's first impression was that the two women were completely different. While Amanda had left Atlanta to start a new life, Adele was visibly very attached to the city and the business she had built with her mother.

"Yes, just like Amanda, she went through a rough patch after her father died, but unlike her sister, she didn't feel the need to leave Atlanta to start over and I think she's finally found herself and that she's happy with her life, so yes, I'm hoping that when I'm no longer here, she'll raise her children in this house." Adele was only twelve when her father died and that terrible experience had affected deeply, but after fifteen years of struggling to work passed this tragic event, she had finally manage to find herself and on top of working with Dorothy at her catering business, she had not abuse drugs for over three years now and the family couldn't have been more proud.

"Amanda told me how hard his death was on her."

"Yes it was, but let's not talk about this right now. It's Christmas and we should celebrate being together as a family and not cry the people we lost." While Dorothy missed her husband dearly she was still grateful that her daughters, sister, brother in law along with their twins were going to join her to celebrate this holiday with her and she was hoping that Olivia's presence this year would be the first of a long list.

"I couldn't agree more. You know, I don't think I could tell you the last time I wasn't on call for Christmas eve and Christmas day." Ever since her mother had died, Olivia had chose to spend Christmas working, giving the opportunity to her colleagues who had families to spend it with them.

"I understand that spending Christmas on your own wasn't an enjoyable prospect but since you're part of our family now, I expect you to make sure that you're not on call so you can celebrate it with us from now on." While Dorothy had gotten used to the idea that Amanda might be on call for Thanksgiving or even the fourth of july, she could not bring herself to imagine spending Christmas without her, especially since she lived so far away now.

"I can't promise anything but I will to do my best." Was Olivia part of Amanda's family? She and Amanda had only been dating for about 10 weeks now but it seemed that Dorothy was confident that things would work out for them and that she was willing to welcome her into their family with open arms. While the feeling of finally having a family of her own was extremely pleasant, Olivia was also extremely uncomfortable receiving Dorothy's affection. She was convinced that, if she knew what she had already put Amanda through, Dorothy would take all that trust and love back. But what was she supposed to do? Tell Dorothy what she had done and expose her true nature to her or should she just let her entertain this inaccurate image of her based solely on the wonderful things Amanda had told her? While Olivia felt compelled to be honest with Dorothy, she knew it wasn't her place to divulge anything private that had happened between Amanda and her, that the blonde wouldn't forgive her for exposing their issues to her mother. It was Christmas after all, and for the first time in a very long time, she was about to spend it surrounded by loving people and she was determined to enjoy it fully and avoid do anything that would jeopardize this newly found relationship with Amanda's mother.

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I hope you enjoyed this chapter.

Since I really want to take my time, Christmas is going to be a multi chapters arc, with a chapter for the dinner itself, one for the opening of the presents etc.

I know you're impatient to see what Amanda and Olivia got for each other but since I'm such a tease, you're gonna have to bare with me a little bit longer to figure it out!


	33. Children

Happy new years guys!  
To the Anon who threw up in his mouth while reading the past chapter. Nobody is forcing you to read my story if you don't like it but I would really love for you to continue leaving me reviews as entertaining as the last one!

* * *

**Chapter 33 :**

**Children : **

A couple hours later, after a delicious lunch Dorothy had cooked especially for them, Olivia and Amanda found themselves sitting on the couch enjoying a hot cup of chocolate.

"You're thinking about Calvin, aren't you?" It had been less than 24 hours since Olivia had told her about Calvin and while she was determined to not pry for more information, the sadness in her eyes was almost too much for Amanda to bare.

"Yes, I am. I was picturing him playing with the toy helicopter I got him for Christmas." While Olivia and Calvin only saw each other a couple of times a year, they always made sure to send each other gifts for Christmas or birthdays.

"I'm sure he's going to have a lot of fun with it, you know how boys love that kind of toys." Amanda was sitting next to Olivia, she was holding her cup in her left hand and her right hand was resting on Olivia's knee.

"I know. His grand father and him bounded over that common interest. I'm sure they'll have a lot of fun together." The one thing that made being away from Calvin bearable was to know that he was raised by two very devoted grand parents who were providing him with all the attention and love his mother was never able to provide him with. He was living in a healthy and stable environment, maybe more stable than the life she could have ever offered him and she was grateful for that.

"When was the last time you saw him?"

"Last summer. His grand parents invited me to visit them in Vermont and since I had so much vacation time aside, I was able to stay with them for two weeks." This visit, was the first time Liv ever visited Calvin in Vermont and turned out to be the most wonderful vacation she had ever taken. For two entire weeks, Calvin and Olivia were able to rekindle their relationship, fishing, riding their bikes or just taking long walk in the forrest his grand parents owned. For the first time since he had last visited her in New York for Halloween, they were able to talk face to face and to hold each other.

"I'm glad they're not trying to keep you from having a relationship with him." Amanda's knowledge regarding Olivia's relationship with Calvin was still very limited and while she was happy to know that she was still allowed to have a relationship with the boy, she knew her well enough to know that a few visits a year and weekly Skype conversations weren't enough for Olivia and that it was tearing her appart.

"They're good people. They're doing everything they can to give him the stability that he needs but I think they're smart enough to see that Calvin needs me in his life. We skype several times a week but sometimes I wish I could see him more often." Calvin's grand parents had made no objection to their frequent Skype conversation but had made it very clear that Calvin needed a fresh at and that regular visits might confuse him and despite he frustration, she had decided to oblige to their terms and to treasure every single of their conversations as if it was the last.

"I understand, you can see and hear him but you can't hold him and it's frustrating." Leaning over to leave her cup on the coffee table, Amanda then slid closer to Olivia and snaked her arms around the brunette's waist.

"It is, but it's for the best. His grand parents and I agreed that giving him stability and not confusing him was our top priority and that we should keep the visits to a couple times a year and since they're not under any legal obligations to give me any visitation rights, I'm happy to oblige to their terms." Olivia could have fought them in court but it would have taken months, years even and deep down she knew that living with his grand parents was what was best for him.

"What about his mom?"

"She checked to rehab after Calvin went to Vermont but only managed to stay a couple of months and got herself in so much trouble that David's parents petitioned a judge to strip her of her parental rights. Last time I heard she was in Florida." Despite resenting her for agreeing to ship Calvin to Vermont to live with David's parents, Olivia, for Calvin's sake, had continued to support Viviane but hadn't heard from her since the judge had stripped her of her parental rights.

"That must have be hard on Calvin." Amanda's head was resting on Olivia's right shoulder and as she was wandering her fingers on the brunette's forearm, she could feel her shiver under skin. Talking about Calvin, while necessary, was still extremely painful and for the first time since they had started dating, she had no idea how to comfort her.

"Yeah, he's a very smart little guy and he understands that she's not fit to raise him anymore but he still has hope that she'll get clean for him." Calvin optimism and desire to give his mother as many chances as necessary amazed Olivia but she knew better than anyone else that his patience would probably never be rewarded and that his of having a normal relationship with Vivian were pretty slim.

"But you think that the probability of finding her dead in an alley someday are higher than ever seeing her clean."

"Yes, his grand parents and I have prepared ourselves for that but I hope that's not a conversation I'll ever have to have with him. Anyway, I'm sorry for rambling about him, it's just it's Christmas and like your mother said, we should celebrate the family that we have, not cry on those we've lost." Forcing a smile, Olivia wiped the tears streaming down her cheeks with the back of her sleeves.

"Don't worry about it. You know, I understand why you haven't told me about him before but there's no need to hold anything back anymore. It's normal for you to miss him and I'm here if you need to talk, okay?" Every time Amanda convinced herself that she knew everything there was to know about Olivia, that she finally had all the pieces of the puzzle and that she had a strong understanding of who the brunette was, some new information surfaced, forcing her to reconsider her entire analyze of Olivia's personality.

"Thank you. I know I should have told you about him a long time ago, but I was afraid you'd think I was still so attached to him that I'd never be able to love any other child." While Olivia had managed to overcome Eliot's departure and to accept that their relationship was dead and to move on to a new partnership with Amaro, getting over Calvin had turned out to me more difficult if not impossible.

"Oh Olivia, how could you think I'd ever think that? I know that your relationship with Calvin is special and that he'll always have a special spot in your heart but I know you well enough to know that your heart is so big that it won't keep you from loving our children more than life itself." Amanda knew that Olivia had rarely allowed herself to get attached and remembered how hard it had been for her to willingly work with her and Amaro after Eliot had left but this was different. She knew that their future children would never replace Calvin and she certainly didn't want them to. She wanted Calvin to be in Olivia's life for as long as possible and she was determined to make every compromise to help her entertain a long lasting relationship with the boy.

"Our children?" Slightly rising her voice, Olivia turned her head and saw the smile on Amanda's face, she truly meant every word and had no intention of coming between her and Calvin but most importantly she actually seemed serious about having children with her.

"Yes Liv, our children. I know for a fact that when ever we're ready to have children, you're gonna be a great mother and that Calvin is gonna be a great big brother for them." For a long time, Amanda had refrained from expressing her feelings or dreams for the future in a too confident of passionate way, but those days were over. Olivia was the one she wanted to marry and have children with and she had a feeling that the brunette was finally reading to hear and accept it.

"We never discussed having children before..." Having children, that was a dream she had ceased to believe in a long time ago. Truth be told, she had resigned herself to finishing her life alone, but meeting Amanda, being with her had made Olivia optimistic again. The blonde made everything possible and in her reach again.

"I know it's completely premature but I need you to know that I take our relationship seriously and that when I close my eyes and think about the future, I see us, in a little house in the suburbs with two or three little Bensons running around." With those words, Amanda climbed on Olivia's lap and started kissing her. Truth be told, she had imagined marrying Olivia and giving birth to their children a million times and the more time passed, the closest she felt to making her dreams come true.

"I'm sure your mother would be very happy to know that." While touched by Amanda's confidence in their relationship, Olivia was slightly uncomfortable. She loved Amanda deeply but there was still a million miles she'd have to walk before being ready or capable of giving her a family.

"Yeah, my mother is already all over it. She knows that I wouldn't have introduced you to her and Adele and brought you here for Christmas if I wasn't serious about us and since she already loves you, expect her to bring up the subject at some point."

"Well, maybe she wouldn't be so found of me if she knew what I put you through." Pushing Amanda aside, Olivia stood up and started pacing in the living room.

"I thought we were passed this and that you had forgiven yourself." It had only been two weeks since Olivia had attacked her but the more time passed, the more comfortable the brunette seemed every time they'd kiss or cuddle but apparently it was only a facade and their session with Dr Huang had not managed to give Olivia her confidence back yet.

"It's easier said than done, especially when your mother welcomes me into her home thinking I'm some kind of super cop when the truth is that I'm not worth much more than the perps I chase all day long." Through the years, Olivia had encountered all sorts of criminals and while she sometimes found their stories compelling and their crimes forgivable on some level, she couldn't bring herself to forgive herself for assaulting Amanda.

"Don't say that Liv. You made a mistake, it happens, don't let it define you, I certainly don't." How many times would she have to say those exact words? How many times would she have to watch the brunette blame and beat herself up before they could finally move on?

"What about your mother? What would she think if she knew I assaulted you? Don't answer that. I know exactly what she would think." Avoiding Amanda's embrace, Olivia slowly moved towards the Christmas tree, trapping herself in the corner of the room.

"If she had all the facts, she'd forgive you the same way I did and you know why? Because you're not a perp Liv. What happened what a tragic accident, not a pattern of behaviour. The way my mother and the rest of the world see you is perfectly accurate. You really are the bravest, kindest, most attentive woman and cop I have ever met and I will spend every single day for the rest of my life telling you that until you believe it." Amanda took a step towards Olivia, snaked her arms around her waist, pulled her into her embrace and gently kissed her forehead. Talking about what had happened and acknowledging all those negatives feelings was healthier than keeping them buried inside but she was hoping the pressure of spending Christmas with her family wouldn't cause her self loathing and feelings of inadequacy to surface during dinner.

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Alright guys, I know what you're gonna say, " another filling up chapter". Well, after re reading chapter 31, I realized that I had completely overlooked the "Calvin" situation and that it deserved a little more depth.

I'm super grateful that none of you are complaining about the pace I have chosen but things are progressing nicely right? Liv still feels super guilty but realistically she can't just get over what she did in a blink of an eye. The good thing is that they talked about having children, which is a big step towards a more serious commitment, don't you think? I have so many ideas and as long as you keep encouraging me I will keep on doing my best to deliver a good story!

Next chapter will be Christmas dinner!


	34. Christmas Dinner

To the anon who said that I shouldn't use so many run on sentences, you can't imagine how right you are! I always said that one of my biggest problem was that I often get carried away with super long sentences and that I end up rambling. I try to stick to short sentences but it's kinda hard sometimes but since you mentioned it, I will pay even more attention now! Thanks!

* * *

**Chapter 34 : **

**Christmas dinner : **

Today was finally Christmas Eve. After spending the previous afternoon decorating the eight foot Christmas tree and the entire day cooking, Olivia and Amanda were getting ready to welcome the blonde's family.

"Someone is looking very sexy tonight." Amanda said as she snaked her arms around Olivia's waist.

"Well, your mother said that there was no dress code, but I wanted to look presentable." Thanks to Dorothy's insistance that her family didn't dress up tonight, Olivia wasn't obliged to wear a tight dress that would have made her feel extremely uncomfortable.

"And you do. This Calvin Klein suit with that D&G shirt are really exquisite." Bitting her bottom lip as she started to wander her fingers on Olivia's belly, Amanda couldn't help but picturing herself unbuttoning that shirt very slowly. The view of Olivia's magnificent breasts and butt in that suit was enough to cause the most dirtiest images to rush to her brain, thoughts she was eager to bring to life.

"I agree. Maybe going on that private sale with Melinda and Alex last year wasn't such a bad idea, I got a few designer suits at a bargain price." Turning around to face Olivia felt also slightly aroused by the view of Amanda's gorgeous body tied up in that vintage pair of jeans and black shirt she was wearing.

"I guess it wasn't. Anyway, here's how the evening is going to unfold. We're probably gonna start eating as soon as the family arrives at six but don't worry we're not in any rush, it's just that my mother likes to start eating early."

"And after dinner we're going to the midnight mass, given by one of your father's childhood friend, Father Graham right?" Olivia wasn't a woman of faith but out of respect for Amanda's mother, she was willing to go church, listen to the priest's sermon and pray.

"No, the rest of the family is, we're not." Amanda replied as she licked her lips in anticipation of what she had planned for her and Olivia.

"I don't understand. Your mother seemed very adamant that this was a very important tradition and that the entire family was always happy to join her." Not that she wasn't happy of being excused from going, but Olivia wanted to know how on earth Amanda had convinced her mother to allow them to stay behind.

"It is but...Our family has always been religious but not in a extreme way but we always went to the midnight mass on Christmas Eve and to church on sundays. Up until my father died, I actually fond religion comforting, to know that there was something or someone that could provide me with answers no matter what me issue were seemed appealing."

"But then you lost your father and no amount of prayer helped you make sense of it." As painful as Christmas has always been for Olivia because she had no family to celebrate it with, she realized that this holiday was even more painful for Amanda and her family.

"No. While God helped my mother mourn, he did nothing for me and my sister. Adele was only twelve and started acting out, drinking, smoking, dating boys and getting in all sorts of trouble while I tried to cope by focusing on school. My mother has always been very understanding and never tried to shove Jesus down our throats. Adele eventually got her faith back a few years back when she started to get better but I never did and I wouldn't want to insult father Graham by attending his service without being a believer and since she knows you're not a religious person either, she agreed for you to stay home."

"Oh, okay. So you and I will have the house for ourselves?" Suddenly, Amanda's intention became very clear and strangely Olivia was perfectly comfortable with that thought. Because of Dorothy's rules, they had spent the previous night in separate bedrooms and between decorating the tree and preparing dinner, the two women had barely had time to enjoy each other and she couldn't wait to spend some quality time with her beloved girlfriend.

"Yes. The family shouldn't be back until half past one AM which give us more than enough times to exchanges our presents." Amanda and Olivia had agreed on getting symbolic and romantic presents rather than expensive ones and the blonde was confident that hers would be remembered for years.

"I thought your family traditionally exchanged gifts on Christmas day?" Olivia's arms were still snaked around the blonde's waist and one look into her eyes was enough to know exactly what kind of gift she'd have to expect.

"Yes, but let's just say that I'd rather be alone with you when you open yours. It's rather personal and I'd prefer if the whole family didn't see it." Strangely, despite the extreme violence of their last physical encounter, Amanda was seemed extremely eager to take their relationship to the next level. While remaining vague about the kind of present she had gotten Olivia, Amanda knew that the brunette was not completely clueless and the litte teasing game they were playing aroused her a little bit more.

"Mine is pretty personal too actually and I'm glad I won't have to give it to you with the twins screaming and running around in the background." After spending a couple weeks torturing herself about it, Olivia had finally found the perfect gift for Amanda, something that was not too extravagant and symbolic and she could only hope that the blonde would like it and understand its meaning.

"Speaking of which, I think they just arrived. Come on let me introduce you to the rest of my family." Hearing the twins screaming her mother's name, Amanda grabbed Olivia's hand and dragged her all the way down to the living room where her family was.

As soon as the two women stepped foot in the room, Dorothy immediately reached out for Olivia's hand and introduced her to her family. Olivia, who had received an extensive history lesson on the Rollins' family members and seen dozens of pictures immediately felt completely comfortable exchanging warm embraces with them.

"Well before we dive into that turkey, I would like to say a few words." Dorothy was standing at the end of the table, where she usually sat, Amanda on her left and Adele on her right.

"Take your time mom." Amanda said, holding her mother's hand, knowing just how difficult it was for her to be seated at this table without her father.

"Thank you. Well like I always say, Christmas is not the time to mourn and cry the people we've lost but to celebrate the loved ones we're lucky enough to have in our lives. This year, the Lord graced us with a new family member, whom I hope will share many Thanksgivings and Christmases with us. Olivia, you can not beging to imagine how happy your presence makes me. Ever since Amanda broke up with that woman whose name shall not be spoken, she has been reluctant to give her heart to anyone. You being here clearly means that she is deeply in love with you and while I wish you all the best for the years to come, don't forget that I was a nurse for twenty years and that I would have no trouble making you disappear without a trace, if you ever dare to hurt my baby. Adam sweetheart, would you mind cutting the turkey?" Rising her glass, looking at her husband's empty seat, Dorothy could feel her heart slowly warming up. Things were changing, Adele was finally getting her life in order and Amanda was settling down with a woman she believed was worthy of her love.

"Sure Aunt Dorothy. Olivia, welcome to our family. Don't worry we bark more than we bite, Amanda is a scratcher though, but I guess you already knew that." Adam was Amanda's cousin, he was a year older than her and the two of them were very close.

"Adam! With all the embarrassing stories I'm sure you never told your wife, how stupid are you to start the hostilities?" And that was only the beginning, Amanda knew Adam and his wife Rebecca well enough to know that they were probably going to spend the entire night teasing Olivia to see if she had enough humour and nerves to be a part of their families.

"It's okay sweetheart. I'm a cop remember, if Adam wants to destabilise me, he's gonna have to do better than that." Giving Adam her biggest smile, Olivia gently squeezed Amanda's thigh. Already aroused by Amanda's recent teasing, the thought of the blonde scratching her back during sex was almost too arousing to bare.

"Dorothy says you're a Special Victim Detective that must be challenging." Trying to change the subject was Jerry, Dorothy's older brother who was sitting on Olivia's left. While completely comfortable with Amanda's sexuality, he was also a devoted Catholic and was slightly uncomfortable whenever his son and niece started talking about sex.

"Yes. I got transferred to SVU right when I got promoted to Detective, almost 14 years ago." Olivia was sitting at Amanda's left. At the opposite side of the table was Adele, Adam who was still struggling to cut the Turkey, at his right was his wife and the twins. While Olivia was rather tall, she had to sit straight in her chair to see everyone sitting in front of her clearly, the food blocking her view. The table was laid with remarkable taste. Dorothy had asked Adele and Amanda to polish the silverware she had inherited from her mother and several candles were strategically place on the table. At each side of the fifteen pound turkey were a large bowl of home made mashed potatoes, a few smaller bowls containing peas and other veggies and a couple of bottle of wine.

"14 years? I thought the average Detective never spent more than two years in that unit?" Ashley, Adam's wife noted as she stood up to help her husband serve every one.

"Yes, it's true. People think that the toughest unit is Narcotic but SVU is pretty intense. Aside from Amanda and Detective Amaro who joined us a year and a half ago, the rest of the team, including our Captain, has been together for the past 13-14 years. It's though but we work well together and we have each other backs." Evoking her terrific team mates, Olivia's voice was slightly trembling, how could she not think about Eliot and the way he left without ever contacting her afterwards despite their 13 years partnership?

"Choosing that line of work is very admirable but doesn't it put a strain on your private life? I mean, how can you trust men when all you see are rapist or child molester or even women when you know that they're also capable of pretty terrible abuse?" Speaking now was Adele, who was the only one at the table to remain single.

"It's true that working in this unit makes you see the worst in people and that it's often hard to go home and still have the desire to get intimate with the person you share your bed with. But sometimes, we also get to see husbands supporting their wives, holding their hands through the most horrific moments of their lives, families coming together to support each other, or men and women willing to come forward and help us give justice to the victims without any consideration for their own safety." Truth be told, SVU was 95 % horrific but that's not what Amanda's family needed to hear, they didn't need to hear about the nightmares she had on regular basis, about the victims who called her in the middle of the nights crying or all the men who thought being an SVU Detective meant she was into kinky sex.

"Some people really do rise to the occasion when one of their loved one is sexually assaulted." Saying those words, Amanda was looking at her sister sitting at the opposite side of the table. For years, Adele and her were everything but close. Amanda was always the good student, responsible, working hard to make a life for herself while Adele had spent most of her teenage years and a good part of her young adult life burning the candle by both ends but about three years ago, just before Amanda was assaulted, the two sisters finally made up and this strong relationship had helped the blonde overcoming this terrible ordeal.

"Speaking of rising to the occasion, tell me Olivia, are you planning on making an honest woman of my niece?" Of all the people present tonight, Jerry was the one whom Olivia would have to seduce and convince that she was good enough for Amanda. While the rest of the family already adored the brunette thanks to all the stories Amanda had told them, Jerry was more careful and needed to get to know her better before giving her his blessing to date his niece and he had every intention of testing the brunette's seriousness.

"Uncle Jerry! Now that's crossing a line!" Almost choking on her wine, Amanda then leaned towards her uncle and gave her the most disapproving look possible. While she understood and appreciated his involvement, she had not invited Olivia to spend Christmas with them to watch her being interrogate or her intentions tested.

"It's alright Amanda. I understand that since your father is not with us anymore, your uncle feels the needs to protect you and make sure that who ever you're dating will treat you with the respect you deserve and is as committed to the relationship as you are. To be honest Sir, I never saw myself as the marrying type. I spent the major part of the past twenty years working 12 to 15 hours a day, seven days a week which made almost impossible for me to meet anyone or to be available enough to work on a committed relationship. I had given up on the idea of having my very own happy ending years ago but then I met Amanda and for the first time in my life, I can honestly say that I have found someone who not only accepts me the way I am but who also supports me through thick and thin. So yes, when the moment is right, I have every intention of putting a ring on it Sir." Olivia was a woman of few words and she had never felt the need to proclaim her love to Amanda like that, that a simple look or touch was enough for the blonde to know exactly how she felt. Unfortunately, being surrounded by people who had witnessed Amanda falling appart after her break her with Lisa, Olivia felt compelled to reassure them on her intentions and to let them know that she was in this for the long run.

"I like the stuffing, it's yummy." Interrupting them, lightening the atmosphere up in the process was Julia, Tom and and Ashley's daughter.

"Thank you dear and I have to thank Olivia for that. She helped me prepare everything that's on the table tonight. Amanda told me you were a lost cause when it comes to cooking, but I see she, once again, slightly exaggerated the reality." Cooking has always been very important for Dorothy and her daughters and sharing that common interest had help them bonding after her husband's death. When she first met Olivia, she was afraid of not having much to talk about with her, especially since she seemed to dislike cooking so much but the brunette had proven her wrong and had spent the entire day assisting her in preparing this festive meal and with that simple gesture the brunette had conquered her heart.

"Thank you Mrs Rollins but Amanda really didn't exaggerate anything. It's not that I can't cook because given a proper recipe I can, I just don't get to that often. We work long hours and we eat at work half the time and when we're lucky enough to come home early, we don't really have the desire or strength to spend hours cooking but I enjoyed assisting you." And while she had enjoyed herself, she was grateful that Dorothy's idea of the perfect daughter in law didn't necessarily include being a great cook.

"Don't worry about it Liv. I don't mind cooking, there are so many other domestic chores I hate that you're good at." While Amanda enjoyed cooking and didn't mind mopping her appartement or even cleaning the window there were some chores such as doing the laundry, ironing or grocery shopping that she was glad to leave in Liv's capable hands.

Around 11 pm, after helping Dorothy cleaning up before the midnight mass, Amanda and Olivia found themselves alone in the blonde's childhood bedroom.

"Are you okay?" Amanda asked as she joined Olivia on her bed and started to pat her belly.

"No, I think eating that much is almost indecent and that I have enough reserves to last me a whole week if not more." Olivia was lying on Amanda's bed, she had unbuttoned her pants and shirt and was barely able to move without feeling nauseated.

"I know but you'll get used to it eventually and besides it's only twice a year. We usually have a barbecue for the fourth of july and our birthdays dinners are usually much lighter." Resting her head on Olivia's check, Amanda was amused but also touch by her girlfriend's behaviour. Olivia was everything but a big eater and she could see half way through the meal that she was already full but continued to eat everything that was on the table as not to offend her mother.

"Thank God for that. Anyway, I have a little something for you, are you ready?" Taking a deep breath, Olivia sat up in bed and reached out for the inside pocket of her jacket.

"Yes, I am. I have mine right here too." Amanda's heart was beating so fast, her mouth was drying up and she was blinking uncontrollably. She wasn't sure how Olivia would feel about her gift, which was more of an offer than a real gift.

"Here. I hope you like it." Olivia said as she pulled the small blue box from her pocket.

"Oh Liv, it's gorgeous." As she opened the box, Amanda's jaw almost dropped on the floor. The box contained a beautiful ring, with a heart shaped diamond and both their names were engraved on the inside.

"It's a promise ring, you can wear it on your right hand if you want." As she gently put the ring on Amanda's left ring finger, Olivia's hands were shaking. While this was not an engagement ring, its meaning was deep and sincere.

"Oh baby. It's gorgeous, I don't what to say." Unable to hold her tears, Amanda also started shaking as she continued to stare at the beautiful ring on her finger.

"Say that you believe me when I say that I love you with all my heart and that what happened two weeks ago is never happening again and that I intend to spend the rest of my life making it up to you and proving you that I'm worthy of your love and forgiveness." Without waiting for Amanda's answer, Olivia pulled the blonde into her embrace and kissed her passionately. The shadow of her past actions was still very present but she was determined to put everything behind them and move forward.

"Of course I believe you. I love you so much." Amanda was still hurt by what Olivia had done to her but she loved her enough to be willing to forgive her and focus on their future, knowing that eternal resentment wouldn't lead them anywhere.

"Good. Is that my gift in your back pocket?" Olivia's hands were strategically place on Amanda's back side and she could feel a rectangular object in the blonde right back pocket.

"Yes it is. I think it matches the ring." Now that she had seen Olivia's gift, Amanda was more confident and had a feeling that the brunette wouldn't reject her present.

"It's a plaque with both our names on it." Tearing up the paper, Olivia couldn't help but frowning when she finally held the small golden plaque in her hand.

"Yes, since I'm not good with screwdrivers, I'm counting on you to put in on our door." Amanda replied, slightly biting her bottom lip, hoping Olivia would get the message.

"Oh...I...I didn't expect that." Olivia and Amanda had only been dating for a little under three months and while they spend most of their free time at the blonde's appartement, Olivia had no idea that Amanda was ready to take such a big step.

"Me neither to be honest. I'm usually very independent, actually Lisa and I never moved in together but...I love you Olivia, with all my heart and I want to take that next step in our relationship. I know that Huang would say that since we're still working on what happened two weeks ago, we should keep our own space but..."

"But nothing, I don't care about having my own space. God, I was miserable last night not sleeping in your arms so yes Amanda, I will be happy to move in with you. Now shut up and kiss me." Olivia had been living in her appartement for the past 15 years and had never considered moving in with her previous lovers. But being with Amanda made so much sense, it was so natural that there was nothing on this planet that could have made her happier.

"Hold on. Give me a few minutes to change into something more comfortable so I can give you your second present." Amanda could feel Olivia's hands all over her and while she was extremely aroused by the brunette's passion, she needed time to prepare herself and to make sure that things would go exactly as planned.

For the next few minutes, Olivia sat there on Amanda's bed, waiting for her to come back. Despite being extremely nervous to finally take their relationship to the next level, she was also strangely confident. She wasn't afraid of attacking Amanda again or of not being able to satisfy her. Everything was just the way it was supposed to be and she had no doubt that what ever Amanda was planned would be memorable.

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Hi guys, I know this chapter was rather long and eventful but since I have a feeling that I'm losing your interest( decrease in the number of reviews) I decided to stop dragging things and to accelerate the pace.

So what did you think of Amanda's family? They're such a big tease but warm and welcoming at the same time. I think being part of this family will do Olivia a lot of good, let's just hope that she doesn't disappoint uncle Jerry!

What about the presents? Did you expect Amanda to ask Liv to move in with her? Wasn't Olivia's present adorable?

Now I know you hate me for leaving you with a cliffhanger but you know how much I love to tease you.  
I don't know when I will be uploading the next chapter but since you have been waiting for it for so long, I want to take my time to make sure everything is perfect!


	35. Our own Christmas miracle

**Chapter 35 : **

**Our own little Christmas miracle :**

Olivia laid there on Amanda's bed massaging her belly, waiting for the blonde to come out of the bathroom. While their last attempt to have sex had turned into a disaster, Olivia was confident that this time would be different, not only because they wouldn't be making love as a desperate attempt to convince each other and themselves that they could move passed Olivia's actions but precisely because they had. Over the past few weeks, Olivia had worked hard not only to reddeem herself and to earn Amanda's trust back but to rebuild her own self esteem and while she was still not completely found of herself, she was confident that she was moving towards the right direction and maybe one day,she'd be worthy of Amanda's love.

"Don't you dare start without me." Amanda was standing in the door way, and from where she was standing, she could see Olivia on her back caressing her belly.

"Of course not, I was just trying to help the digestion." Straddled as she heard the blonde's voice, Olivia immediately opened her eyes but could only see the shadow of Amanda's body.

"I know something better for that darling." Slightly nervous, Amanda took a deep breath and started walking towards the bed hoping Olivia would enjoy the outfit she had just put on for her.

"Oh no, you didn't." Almost chocking on her own saliva, Olivia almost had to pinch herself to believe what laid before her eyes.

"Yes, I did." Amanda smiled as she climb on the bed and positioned herself on top of Olivia. She was wearing a very sexy Christmas costume which included a red faux velvet mini dress with a white faux fur trimmed circular hem and black velvet halter neck tie straps not to mention a matching hat.

"I see you forgot the boots." Slightly sitting up against the board of the bed, Olivia immediately reached out for the blonde's ass, only to realize that she wasn't wearing any underwear.

"No, I didn't, but they're really hard to take off, but I can get them if you want." Amanda was sitting on Olivia's lap, legs spread on both side of the brunette.

"Don't you dare move." Olivia replied, grabbing the blonde's ass with both hands to pull her closer.

"Alright I won't, but you're gonna have to lay down for me." Licking her lips in anticipation, Amanda started to unbutton the brunette's shirt, very very slowly.

Nodding, Olivia, without releasing her grip on Amanda's ass, slid down on the bed into a more comfortable position. Laying on her back, her beautiful girlfriend on top of her, Olivia was completely vulnerable, allowing Amanda to take any action she would see fit.

Seeing the desire in Olivia's eyes, Amanda leaned over and gently kissed the brunette's full, pouty lips. Their tongues started tangling in their very erotic ballet for several minutes, until Olivia, completely out of breath, pulled away panting.

Laying on her back, Olivia looked up into Amanda's green eyes. To her, Amanda, with her, blonde hair, toned body, perfectly shaped breasts, and firm ass was the most beautiful woman on earth.

"I love you." With that said, Amanda kissed Olivia again. She was rewarded with the brunette's luscious mouth and tongue eagerly wanting her in return. Had the sexy outfit not already aroused Olivia, the blonde's kisses would have for sure.

Still sitting on top of her, Amanda continued to unbutton the Olivia's shirt and could feel her erect nipples under the fabric of her bra and shirt as she gently caressed her firm and soft flesh with the tip of her fingers. Closing her eyes, Olivia let out a soft moan as she began to feel Amanda's tickling fingers roaming between her breasts.

Now that Olivia's shirt was completely open, Amanda was able to see the lacy black bra covering the two lovely orbs and had to fight the urge to rip it off her luscious body, and instead, began to massage the two at the same time. Arching her back under Amanda's dexterous fingers, Olivia continued to moan uncontrollably.

"But you like my breasts more." Her entire life, Olivia had found herself in front of men who could barely look at her in the eye while addressing her or who would spend enormous amount of time touching her breasts during sex. This time it was different though, she didn't feel violated or disrespected. Amanda's touch was gentle, respectful and full of love.

"I do love them and I intend to worship them the way they deserve." Amanda smiled as she moved her hands so she could unhook the bra, thus freeing Olivia's breasts from their fabric prison.

Amanda dropped the bra on the floor and leaned over and began to kiss Olivia's neck, dragging her tongue all the way down to the brunette's left breast, to the firm, erect nipple that seemed to have been waiting her. Olivia continued to moan as she felt each kiss, each flick of the blonde's tongue on her shivering skin and gasped when Amanda took the nipple into her mouth and began suckling and licking it.

While Amanda's mouth was focused on Olivia's left breast, her right hand continued to massage and tease the other breast and nipple causing Olivia's arousal to grow rapidly. Maybe it was the months of sexual frustration and anticipation but the brunette was already dripping wet and couldn't believe that she could feel so aroused by such a simple act as having her nipples sucked. Looking down, Olivia bucked her hip and started to grind her inner thighs into Amanda's left leg, her clitoris was swollen and she was quickly burning up and the itchy sensation between her legs was almost too much to bare. She needed Amanda to touch her, sooner rather than later.

"Getting impatient, aren't we?" Amanda's smiled as she could feel Olivia rubbing herself against her leg.

"I think we've waiting long enough, please..." Olivia's voice was slightly trembling and her eyes were almost filled with desperation. Not only she wanted Amanda to make love to her, she needed it, it was a visceral, almost primal need.

"As you wish." Amanda loved hearing Olivia beg her like this, and to avoid teasing her any long began to unbutton and unzip the brunette's jeans as she kissed her way down her stomach.

Licking her lips in anticipation, she then slipped Olivia jeans off and looked down at the black thong panties she was wearing, they were soaked, clinging to Olivia's skin. Looking at the thong, Amanda saw that it matched the bra and realized that she was apparently not the only one who had high expectations for this special night.

Determined to take her time and savour this moment, Amanda started to kiss up every single part of Olivia's lower body, from her firm legs, to her calves, knees, and finally thighs. Soon, Amanda found herself looking at the prize she had waited so long to enjoy, but she decided to tease Olivia a bit more. She started to kiss the edge of her the black tongue, across Olivia's stomach, and over each thigh.

"Oh God." Olivia moaned loudly as she squirmed under the blonde's delicate tongue. She reached down, grabbed Amanda's silk hair, and tried to force her into her sex.

"Alright, alright." Forced to admit that Olivia could not take the teasing much longer, Amanda grabbed the brunette's panties with her teeth, and slowly pulled them down.

Once the panties were gone, Amanda took a minute to marvel at Olivia's luscious naked body, waiting, craving her touch. Slowly, Amanda's crept up Olivia's trembling legs, until she was once again inches away from the valuable treasure she had longed to kiss. Leaning over to gently kiss the brunette's belly button, she then moved between her legs, and gently placed her lips on Olivia's swollen labia.

Feeling Amanda's gently stroking her labia with the tip of her tongue, Olivia immediately arched her back and let an almost inaudible squirm. The sensation of having her clitoris devoured by the blonde's precise tongue was enough to make Olivia scream with delight as she begged for more.

Thankfully, Amanda had no intention of stopping and as she slipped a finger deep into Olivia's folds continuing licking her clit, she could feel the brunette's entire body slowly tensing up and knew that she was close to a full climax.

In an attempt to make Olivia moan louder, Amanda slipped a second finger and began thrusting in and out of her. Thrusting deeper and faster as she followed the rhythm of Olivia's breathing, Amanda continued to gently suck her swollen clit.

"Oh my god I'm..." Olivia's climax, which came faster than she had anticipated, was like nothing she had ever experienced before in her life. Minutes, it had only taken Amanda minutes to arouse her and make her climax harder than anyone else before.

Smiling, Amanda greedily licked a lips and continued lapping the juice streaming down Olivia's folds, hoping it would lead to a second orgasm.

And it did. Within minutes, Olivia was arching her back, clenching her fingers around the bed sheets and screaming the blonde's name. Unwilling to let it go, Amanda relentlessly continued devouring the brunette until she was stopped.

"Wow, hold that thought, I think I might need a few minutes to recuperate." Olivia said as she felt the tip of Amanda's tongue tickling her clitoris, making her shiver instantly.

"Okay." Withdrawing her fingers, Amanda kissed her way up Olivia's torso, and started kissing her.

Her mouth was still smelling and tasting of Olivia's warmth and the sensation drove the brunette mad with desire. She began touching Amanda's body, exploring it, feeling her breasts and ass through her the tight Christmas skirt she was wearing.

"I thought you needed time to rest." Amanda smirked as she licked her lips.

"My pussy needs to rest but the rest of my body is ready, don't worry." Sitting up, Olivia clumsily unzipped the red skirt, ripped it off Amanda's body and dropped it on the floor.

Olivia was so aroused by the sensations she had felt a few minutes earlier, that she didn't know where to begin, so she started kissing down Amanda's neck and to wander her fingers on the blonde's naked back.

"Okay." Sitting on the Olivia's lap completely naked, Amanda's was shocked by the passion and confidence her girlfriend was demonstrating.

As she continued to caress Amanda's bare back, Olivia started to drag her mouth from the blonde's neck to her left breast and started stroking her already erected nipple causing the blonde to throw her head back and moan loudly.

"You like that baby?" Smirking, Olivia continued sucking and licking Amanda's left nipple while massaging the blonde's right breast with such great care and tenderness that she could feel her lover's entire body trembly under her touch.

"Yeah, but I want more, please Liv." Barely breathing, Amanda could feel the warmth streaming down her folds, directly on Olivia's lap.

"You wishes are my command." Olivia replied as she suddenly grabbed Amanda and pushed her on her back. Laying on top of Amanda, looking down into her loving eyes, Olivia took a minute to gather herself, knowing she couldn't offer to get carried away again.

"Hey, I love you and I trust you, I know you're not going to hurt me, so don't hold back, okay?" Olivia's fear of hurting her was so overwhelming that Amanda was able to feel it almost instantly. So, in a attempt to reassure her, cupped the brunette's face with her right hand and gently started to rub her cheek.

Olivia smiled. She did not intend to harm her, but wanted to make her scream the way she had just a few minutes earlier. Unfortunately the memory of what had happened only a few weeks earlier was still haunting her.

"I love you too." Determined to not ruin this moment, Olivia took a deep breath, gathered her thoughts and gently kissed those precious lips. Amanda's heavy breathing and her moans gave Olivia all the confidence she needed to take things to the next level.

So, after giving her one last kiss, Olivia started to drag her tongue from the blonde's neck, clavicule and torso, all the way down to her inner thighs. Without any hesitation, she parted Amanda's leg and started licking her already swollen clitoris.

"Oh...God." Bucking her hips against Liv's mouth, Amanda could barely breath and was gasping for air.

After a few minutes of devouring the blonde, Olivia, to increase her lover's pleasure, slipped two fingers into Amanda's dripping folds and began to thrust in and out very slowly while continuing working on her clit. Not receiving the physical reaction she intended, plunged a third finger inside the blonde's folds, finger that was enough to send the blonde over the edge.

Soon, Amanda's was grinding her hips into Olivia's face, and before long, her body tensed up and she began to feel her inner muscles clenching around the brunette's tongue. The flow of warmth streaming down Amanda's folds surprised Olivia, but she continued pressing her tongue on the blonde's clitoris and her middle finger on her g spot until she could feel her inner muscles slowly relaxing, sign that the climax was over.

Determined to give Amanda as much pleasure as she had given her, Olivia gently pulled out, giving the blonde a minute to rest before suddenly starting to lap the blonde's clitoris.

"Wow, wow, not so fast, it's too sensitive." Straddling as she felt Olivia's tongue on her still pulsating clitoris, Amanda gently tried to escape the brunette's touch, amazed by her passion and determination to satisfy her.

"Look at you Miss Cocky, not so resilient after all." Olivia smiled looking up at her sweaty girlfriend.

"I'm usually more resilient than that but it's been a while and it was pretty intense, just come here, I want to hold you." Amanda replied as she pulled Olivia up and wrapped her arms around her. Over the past ten years or so, Amanda has had a lot of lovers and had received a great amount of satisfaction but nothing compared to what she had just experienced. This wasn't just sex, it was love, it was about two souls becoming one, the communion of their bodies bonding them for ever.

"Alright, your family should be back soon anyway. We have the rest of our lives to make love." Sighing as she kissed Amanda's left breast, Olivia gently rested her head on the blonde's chest.

The two women remained in that position, their two naked bodies tangled together, for the remaining of the night. What they had just shared was so intense and tiring that neither of them was able to move or say a word and truth be told, there was nothing to say. After months of getting to know each other, of opening up, of putting each other through hell, the two women had finally reached that point where no words were needed, where a simple stroke of Amanda's fingers trough Olivia's hair was enough to make the brunette feel love and a look at her promise ting was enough for Amanda to feel confident that the insecure, self loathing brunette had finally put all her barriers down. At the end of day, it was all they needed to feel complete and to enjoy their very own Christmas miracle.

* * *

Alright guys, after 35 excruciating chapters, here we are... Raise your hand if you got slightly turned on reading it, I know I was while writing it. I'm not ashamed to say it, I'm a visual person and I tend to picture everything I write in my head and the thought of those two together is pretty hot right? Nothing wrong with that.

I know I'm not the best at writing smut and that the first chapter is always super awkward for me to write, but once I have found the perfect dynamic, the following sexy chapters are usually pretty good.

Anyway, thanks for waiting 5 entire days for this chapter. Don't hesitate to drop me a line, the more encouraged I feel, the more smut I'll write!


	36. New Beginnings

**Chapter 36 :**

**New beginnings :**

Nine months have passed since Olivia spent her first Christmas with Amanda's family in Atlanta. After their rather intense love making session the two women found themselves waken up at six am by the twins knocking at their door, eager to open up their presents. After spending the entire day playing with the two little monsters and enjoying the rest of the family, Olivia and Amanda flew back to New York and went back to work the very next day.

About a month later, after giving her notice to her landlord, Olivia finally moved in with Amanda in her small one bedroom appartement. At first, the prospect of not having a safe place to go to in case of a fight frightened Oliva, but as time slowly passed, the brunette came to realize that their relationship had reached such a level of happiness, communication and mutual trust, that there was no reason for them to ever feel the need to escape their love nest.

So, after a few tremulous first weeks of getting accustomed to this new living arrangement, of learning how to live together for better or worse, the two women were now living in perfect harmony. After living in a functional but impersonal appartement for over a year and a half, Amanda had finally started to enjoy going shopping with Olivia to try to accomodate it and transform it into the perfect love nest. Both women, whom had never particularly enjoyed shopping, slowly grew very found of spending hours online or in stores trying to find the perfect beddings, towels or kitchen accessories. For the first time since she had moved to New York, Amanda was actually looking forward to go home at night, draw herself a hot bath, light up some perfumed candles, and dive in with Olivia. For the first time in years, both women were finally exploring this life outside of work they had been neglecting for so many years, and they were loving every minute of it.

"Why are you already up? Do we have a case?" Amanda yawned as she took a quick look at her alarm clock. It was only seven o'clock but it seemed that Olivia was already dressed up and on her way to work.

"No, I have some errands to run. Go back to sleep and I will see you at work." Sitting on the edge of the bed, Olivia leaned over and kissed Amanda's forehead before tucking her back in.

"Nah, I'm awake now, not that wouldn't love to sleep in, God knows you completely worn me down last night." Sitting up in bed, Amanda tried to gently warm her body up by rotating her head clockwise and stretching her arms, only to feel her entire body ache after their passionate night.

"What can I say? I don't think I'll ever get tired of making love to you." Over the past nine months, Olivia and Amanda had continued developing their relationship, explore their sexuality and to take the time to listen each other's desires and deepest fantasies. At first, Olivia was more than reluctant to the idea of completely letting go and making love to Amanda in a more passionate fashion, but the more time passed, the more comfortable and the less scared she was of hurting Amanda again she became.

"Me neither, now go before I rip those clothes off your body." Truth be told, Olivia had satisfied Amanda right from the first time they made love but unfortunately the brunette was, at least at first, a little too " vanilla" for the blonde's and it had taken her months of love and patience to slowly bring the brunette to embrace their sexual relationship to its fullest. Fortunately, now that they were both on the same page, every single time they made love was more intense and satisfying than the time before and neither of them seemed to run out of new ideas to spice up their sex life.

About an hour and a half later, Amanda arrived at the station, disappointed to see that Olivia had not arrived yet.

"Morning partner, where's your better half?" Over the past year, Fin had witnessed Amanda literally coming out of her shell and not only defeating her gambling addiction but also turning into this highly confident, happy young woman and while he still had trouble understanding how Olivia and her had managed to fall in love, he was delighted that both his favorite ladies had found happiness.

"She had errands to run and left early. I thought she'd be here by now though." Pouting, Amanda took her jacket off, tossed it on the back of her chair and sat down.

"I know that face, the two of you had a fight." One of the consequences of knowing Olivia for almost 15 years and being so close to Amanda, was that Fin had become their personal confident and while he was at first slightly uncomfortable putting his nose into their personal business, he had learned to enjoy this proof of trust and was doing his very best to help them whenever they needed.

"No, we spent the week up state in a very cosy bed and breakfast and actually found two new friends in the two owners but she has been pretty distant for the past two weeks." When they moved in together, to avoid falling into a domestic and boring life, Olivia and Amanda had agreed to treat themselves with a romantic week end at least once a month and while their rather intense jobs made it hard to plan anything in advance, they had managed to get away for two entire days and enjoy a well deserve rest after a particularly exhausting case.

"Well to be fair, that last case was pretty intense for all of us but investigations involving kids are always tougher on her, you know." The truth was, Fin knew exactly why Olivia had been so distant and while he couldn't wait to see Amanda's reaction once she'd figure out why the brunette was behaving that way, seeing her scratching her head like that was too much of an entertainment for him to spill the beans, not to mention that he didn't want to lose Olivia's trust.

"I guess, I think she might be a bit nervous about our first anniversary." Over the past year, Amanda had discovered just how thoughtful and romantic her girlfriend was and how vivid her imagination was when she wanted to surprise her with a dinner or buy her a present and she couldn't only imagine just how spectacular their anniversary was gonna be.

"Well, you have to admit you are kinda high maintenance." Grinning at his partner, Fin, who knew exactly what Olivia's plans were found himself almost proud of his old partner. Over the past 15 years he had witnessed her fight her demons and struggle to find herself as a cop and a woman and he was relieved that after so many unfortunate and failed relationship, she had finally found someone willing to support her through thick and thin and was confident that her surprise would blow Amanda's mind away.

"I'm not high maintenance, it's just... I'm so used to see her surprise me in ways I never thought was possible that I might have rised my expectations along the way." While Amanda had gotten used to Olivia displays of affection, she still found herself moved to tears every single time and she knew that what ever the brunette had planned would be spectacular and could only hope the gift she had gotten her would have the same effect on Olivia.

"Women, can't live with them, can't live without them." Fin replied, shaking his head.

About thirty minutes later, Olivia finally arrived at the station.

"Hey Fin, where's Amanda?" Stepping into the precinct, Olivia was happy and relieved, every details of her big surprise had come together nicely and she couldn't wait for Amanda to see it.

"She left for court ten minutes ago. So have you arranged everything?"

"Yes, I have. She doesn't suspect anything does she?" To put this surprise together, Olivia had to disappear several times over the past few weeks and try to find a good excuse every single time.

"She knows you're planning a surprise for your anniversary but she has no idea what it is but can you please take her out for dinner or something cause she also thinks you're being distant and God I would rather slit my own wrists than listening to her rambling about it."

"Sorry Fin. I guess I have been a bit distant lately, not that I'm not 100% sure that what I'm about to do is the right choice for us, I guess I just needed to consider things carefully and take my time to plan everything. Thanks for your help, I couldn't have done it without you." Olivia had always been very self sufficient and while she had confided in Eliot or Fin in the past, she, up until dating Amanda, had never really sought any advice regarding her personal life. Things were different now, she was in a serious and committed relationship and while communication between her and Amanda was great, she couldn't afford to pretend having all the answers anymore.

"You're welcome, just name your first child after me if it's a boy and we'll be even." With a fail marriage under his belt and a still complex relationship with his son, Fin was certainly no expert but his close relationship with both women allowed him to advice them pretty accurately without ever taking a side.

"We'll see about that." For years Olivia had denied herself the slightest bit of happiness but those days were over. Thanks to Amanda, she had learned that opening up and asking for help didn't make her weak, and that her strong determination to be a better person than her parents was all that mattered, that she was destined for so much more than what her DNA had programmed her for. Now, almost a year after she started dating Amanda, there was no doubt in her mind that the choice she had made two weeks earlier was the right one and she could only hope that the blonde would share her enthusiasm.

* * *

Hi guys. This was a short transitional chapter that introduces you to the second arc of this story. As you can see, I decided to jump a few months and start this new arc a year after Olivia and Amanda started dating. I know I dragged things in the first part but now that I have a very clear idea of who those characters are and that I have found a pretty good dynamic for their relationship, I can assure you that this arc is going to be more straight forward and fast paced.

I have many plans for Liv and Amanda, some fun, some dramatic and I can not wait for you to read it!

What do you think Olivia's big surprise is?


	37. Lifetime commitment

To tummer22 : Yes, I'm very aware of how lucky I am to have reached so many readers! Since this ship was fairly new at the time I started this story and considering how strong the Alex/Olivia ship still is, I never expected people to follow this story and to get that passionate about it!

Thanks for the support guys!

* * *

**Chapter 37 :**

**Life commitment :**

About a week later, finally came the day Olivia had been planning for the past month : Amanda and her were celebrating their first anniversary. Olivia had spent countless hours working on her surprise, involving the entire team, hoping that Amanda was ready to take that step with her, that it wasn't too soon to make such a commitment.

"Are you sure you've considered this carefully? It's a pretty big step." Sitting on the edge of his massive desk was Captain Cragen, who could barely believe he and Olivia were having this conversation. While he had always considered her as a daughter, and had always behaved as protectively as a father would have, they had never shared such a private conversation.

"No, I haven't because there's no need for me to waste time over thinking this. I have never felt so sure about anything in my entire life. I love Amanda with all my heart and I know that we're meant to be together, I can feel it in my gut." Speaking with her heart like that allowed Olivia to get rid of every last bit of doubt that was still upsetting her.

"Good, because what you're about to do is more than just signing a piece of paper, it's a lifetime commitment that requires many compromises and sacrifices and considering you spent most of your life only caring for yourself, it might turn out to be more challenging than you ever imagined." As delighted as Cragen was that Olivia had finally allowed someone to break her walls down, he felt compelled to push her a little, to scare her even, just to make sure she was ready to take this step.

"I know but over the past year, not only have I learned how to let someone in and to accept that asking for help didn't make me weak, but also to make decisions considering someone's else feelings and needs and to be honest with you, I wouldn't go back to the way I used to live, because strangely, committing to Amanda freed me beyond my wildest expectations and I feel that I have finally found myself and I owe it all to her." Liberated and in sync with who she was, that was the person Olivia was today and while the path towards becoming that person had been painful and exhausting, being here today, a few minutes away from committing to Amanda made it all worth it.

"Good, then go, I can see how impatient she is." Looking through the window, Cragen could see Amanda walking around around her desk, impatient to celebrate this very special anniversary.

"Yes, Sir. Thank you for everything." Standing there, in the doorway, Olivia took a second to take a deep breath and gather her thoughts.

"You're welcome Liv."

Walking towards Amanda, Olivia could fell Fin, Munch and Amaro's eyes on her. All were well aware of what she was about to do and she could see the pride and happiness in their eyes.

"Are we ready to go? I'm starving." Amanda said as she grabbed her coat on the back of her chair and walked towards Olivia. Although she suspected that Olivia had planned a romantic evening for them, she was far from imagining what was about to happen.

"Yes, but there's something I need to do first, don't worry, it shouldn't take long." Reaching out for Amanda's hand, Olivia took one last look at her team before walking towards the elevator.

"Okay."

About half an hour later, Olivia and Amanda arrived in front of a two stories brown stone. On the ground floor was a large living room with a magnificent fire place, a very modern kitchen with marble counter tops, a brand new fridge and oven, and an extra room that could be used as either an extra bedroom or an office. On the first floor was the master bedroom with its own ensuite bathroom, and walk in wardrobe, plus two other smaller bedrooms and a second bathroom with both an italian shower and a massive bath tub. The entire house had hardwood floors and appart from the wallpapers that were not of Olivia's taste, the house was ready to move in.

After giving Amanda a quick tour of the house, Olivia took her to her favorite spot : the backyard. Having being raised in Manhattan, Olivia was well aware that having a backyard was so rare that it was considered a luxury.

"What do you think?" It was the beginning of September and although it was relatively warm, Olivia was almost shaking and as they stepped outside, felt compelled to snake her arms around Olivia.

"I think it's a beautiful house and it has character. I love the fireplace and this backyard is perfect, big enough for a barbecue and for kids to play." As smart and educated as Amanda was, she was sometimes clueless and at this precise moment she still had no idea why Olivia had taken her to visit this house.

"I agree I love the backyard but my favorite place is the bathroom, can't you picture us taking bubble baths in that tub?" Narrowing her eyebrows, Olivia was almost amused by Amanda's naivety and was willing to give her a few more hints, hoping she'd understand what was going on very soon.

"Yes, I can, with all the jets, damn that must be an orgasmic experience, wait Liv, why are we here?" Rising her head, Amanda suddenly realized that Olivia had not brought her to that house for nothing but couldn't risk making assumptions.

"Oh, I haven't told you, this is our new home." Liv had spent an entire month, meeting with the current owners, the real estate agent and her bank to secure the purchase of that house, she had spent countless hours on the phone and endless nights obsessing about it and yet the words slipped out of her mouth as naturally as they could possible have.

"Liv…" Hearing those few words, Amanda finally started to understand Liv's distant and erratic behaviour and unable to hide her emotions, she allowed herself to burst into tears.

"I know we've only been together for a year but when I look back at the past year and at everything we've been through and all the progress I have made, there is no doubt in my mind that you changed my life, in the best way possible. I love you Amanda, with all my heart and all my soul and I know for a fact that you're the woman I'm going to spend the rest of my life with and I think it's time for us to take that next step and move into a house where we can picture ourselves raising our children." Olivia's voice was strong and confident but her legs were shaking and deep down, there was still a part of her that was afraid to be rejected and to see this fairy tale end right here.

"I feel the same way Olivia, although it's only been a year, I feel we've already spent a lifetime together and there's no doubt in my mind that I want us to start a family and this house would be the perfect place for that but can we even offer this house?" When Amanda started to developed feelings for Olivia a few months after moving to New York, she was far from imagining that the brunette would ever reciprocate those feelings and yet a year later, here they were, talking about buying a house and started a family. The past year had been everything but a vacation, they had both shed their share of tears, and hurt each other but in the end, all those difficult times had brought them to this precise moment, in this precise house, making it all worth it.

"Yes we can, I know it's a bit unorthodox but the current owners recently filed for bankruptcy and the bank had to repossess the house." Has horrible as it was for Olivia to take advantage of someone's misfortune, she knew that they could never afford such a place on their salaries and she was willing to overlook the owners' terrible situation if it meant buying this house for her family.

"You bought it at an auction?" Rising her eyebrows, Amanda was surprised to hear that Olivia was willing to take advantage of some poor couple's misfortune but strangely knew she wouldn't feel guilty about it.

"Yes, I did and for some reason, there was only one other person interested and he gave up pretty quickly. I actually got it for less than I thought." Before joining the auction, Olivia had taken the time to meet with her banking advisor to see how much she could borrow and went to the auction with an exact amount in mind but thankfully managed to get the house for a lesser price.

"That's great Liv..." Shaking her head, Amanda escaped Olivia's embrace and took a few steps back.

"What's wrong? If this is going too fast you can tell me."

"It's not that. I'm ready for all that, it's just...You know I have gambling debts right?" Over the past year, Amanda had focused on helping Olivia heal her wounds and finally make peace with her past and had almost forgotten about her own past and failures and she had a feelings that her mistakes might compromise their future together.

"Yes, I do." Olivia was no stranger to Amanda's addiction and knew that she attended meetings on weekly basis but had always respected the blonde's desire to not talk about it but looking at the look on Amanda's face, realized that she might have made a mistake.

"Well, after my bookie got arrested, I finally decided to take responsibility for my actions. So I joined Gamblers Anonymous and I went to my bank and we worked on a payment plan and to this day, I'm still repaying them every month. So trust me, there's no way my bank or any bank for that matter is gonna allow me to take a mortgage, not with my credit history." Luckily, Amanda had obtained a full scholarship to study and had no student loans but her addiction had completely destroyed her credit scores and possibly her entire future.

"Don't worry about the money. I had quite enough personal savings for a substantial down payment and a perfect credit score, so I managed to get the mortgage at an interesting rate." Once again, Olivia was strangely calm and confident. She knew about Amanda's debts and had taken them into consideration when applying for the mortgage.

"I can't let you buy us a house Liv, that's no way to start a future together." Obviously, Amanda wasn't completely insensitive to Olivia's generosity or even surprised but, up until now they had shared every single bill and domestic chores and she knew that this was no way of starting a healthy future together.

"Look. For now you're having financial difficulties but you're not gambling anymore so once your debts are paid in full, you'll just start paying the mortgage with me but until then, don't worry about a thing. I want to do this for us, for our future family." Olivia said, as she took a couple of steps towards Amanda and pulled her into her warm embrace.

"Okay, but I only have another ten monthly payments, so I should be able to start pitching in next july but until then, I will pay all utility bills." Amanda's pride was hit but she remembered that not that long ago, Olivia put her pride aside and accepted her help and if this past year had taught her anything it was that being in a relationship was not about pride and self sufficiency but about mutual commitment and support and that she couldn't refuse Olivia's help.

"That seems unfair...How about you add a few sexual favours to the deal?" Smiling, Olivia pressed her lips against Amanda, knowing exactly how she was going to react.

"Oh, I see, all this was for the sole purpose of turning me into your personal sex slave..." Amanda replied as she grabbed Olivia's ass with both hands.

"Yeah, and I'm not even sorry. Now, come on let's go. I'm starving."

"Yes, so Am I. So how did you get the down payment anyway?" Walking back towards the house, Amanda couldn't help but feeling unsettled. This was their home now, their very own house where they were going to spend the rest of their life together, watching their children grow up.

"Let's just say that living in a rent controlled apartment for 15 years, with no kids to feed, never taking any vacations and not sharing Alex and Melinda's taste for expensive designer clothes or furniture, not to mention accumulating countless overtime, helped put quite a bit of cash aside." Olivia was living a very modest life, thus allowing her to save a great amount of money, money she had never imagined spending on a house for her and the love of her life.

"I wish I was as good with my money as you are." Amanda on the other hand had never been good saving her money. Back when she was still living in Atlanta, her gambling was still manageable but she spent almost all her pay checks in fancy bars, clubs or restaurants.

"There's always room for improvement Amanda. You turned your life around and I'm sure you're gonna be perfectly fine as soon as your debts are paid fully but like I said, until then, I can provide for us, so just relax and enjoy this moment." Strangely, Olivia wasn't scared that Amanda might start gambling again, just like the blonde trusted her to not assault her ever again.

"Good, oh Liv, we're gonna be so happy here." Sighing as they reached the car, Amanda took a minute to marvel at their beautiful house, thinking that her life couldn't be more perfect.

"I know, happy anniversary babe." And just like that, Olivia and Amanda took one of the most important steps of their lives and as nervous as they were, they were even more confident. There was no doubts in their mind that they were both ready and committed to make this work, regardless of the compromises or sacrifices it would require. They were meant to be together and there was no crisis, no obstacle big enough to discourage them, not as long as they continued to love each other unconditionally.

* * *

Hi guys,

So, am I the biggest troll ever or what?

I know I mislead you in the previous chapter and the beginning of this one, especially with the whole " It's not just a piece of paper, but a lifetime commitment".

Please don't hate me... I wanted to surprise you and to do that I needed to avoid things the " traditional" way and having Liv propose was way to predictable.

I hope you still enjoyed this chapter, I know they talked a lot about money but considering Amanda's gambling addiction and her massive debts, it seemed realistic that she would worry about it.

Also I realized that I started this new arc without asking you if you wanted me continue, so should I continue this story? I still have a good 15-20 chapters in me. You're the readers, you tell me.


	38. Planning the future

**Chapter 38 : **

**Planning the future : **

Later that night, after having dinner at Amanda's favorite italian restaurant, the two women went home and made love for a couple of hours before finally collapsing, both completely out of breath.

"That was..., you still have some moves I didn't know about." Olivia panted, her chest rising up and down as she tried to catch her breath.

"And you've seen nothing yet, I have enough moves to keep you interested for at least a few more years." Amanda was lying in fetal position, her head on Oliva's bare chest, her fingers roaming between her breasts.

"I hope so, I tend to get bored very fast when who ever I'm sleeping with doesn't get creative." Oliva smiled, biting her bottom, not knowing if Amanda would take this little joke seriously.

"Hey, what's that supposed to mean? Will you leave me if sex starts to become more vanilla?" Shocked, Amanda suddenly raised her head, poked Liv's belly and climbed on top of her.

"Hey, that hurt! I'm kidding okay? You know sex is not what matters to me and besides, how can you get bored when you're as in love as I am with you?" Placing her hands on Amanda's back to pull her into her embrace, Olivia started to battle her eye lashes, smiling through grinned teeth, hoping her natural adorableness would get her out of this situation.

"Right... since you bought us a house, so I might just let you get away with it, just this once." Shaking her head, Amanda leaned over and pressed her lips against Liv's. Feeling Olivia's fingers roaming on her naked back was enough to ignite every last bit of energy she had in her and the simple act of kissing her had the ability of arousing her to a point she never suspected was possible.

"Speaking of which, did you suspect anything?"

"Well, your behaviour was pretty unusual these past two weeks, you were nervous, distant, not to mention you disappeared on me several times so I suspected that you had something big planned to celebrate our anniversary. I just never thought you were buying us a house. Actually, I thought you were gonna propose." For the past couple of weeks, Amanda had beat her nails, wondering what kind of surprised Olivia was planning and this ultimate proof of love and commitment was more than she could have asked for.

"Are you disappointed that I didn't?" Truth be told Olivia and Amanda had never talked about marriage or even buying a house together but when Liv drove by the brownstone, she immediately knew that it was the right moment to take that step and never even once considered that getting married first might be preferable.

"Actually no. I'm not one of those women who needs a ring as a proof of love and commitment. I know you love me, I can feel it in my entire body every time we kiss and I don't need any deeper commitment."

"Is it because you grew up thinking that you might never have the right to get married?" Now that was something Olivia never had to face. She grew up feeling completely straight, knowing she would be able to get married and have children if she ever wanted to and didn't fall in love with another woman until years after New York had legalized gay marriage and she could not imagine how hard it must have been for older generations to spend an entire life feeling like a second class citizen.

"Yes, I mean, I always hoped that someday we would have equal rights but when you're gay in a country that doesn't offer them yet, you learn to find other way to commit and to wrap your head around the idea that you don't need to sign a piece of paper or a ring on it for that?" Truth be told, Amanda was grateful that gay marriage was not legal when she was dated Lisa because she could not imagine the kind of manipulative games her ex girlfriend would have been capable of playing, making it that much harder to leave her.

"I understand but thankfully, we now have the right to adopt or to get married, at least in our state, but I think I'm with you on this. I love you, I know you love me and right now, I don't need to wear a ring on my finger or put one on yours to know that we're committed to each other. On the other hand, being married might prove useful when we decide to have children." Olivia was almost 44 years old now and had given up on the idea of having a "standard" relationship a long time ago and had learned to appreciate and enjoy her current situation.

"What do you mean?" Children, that was a subject they had talked about a few times but this felt different and Amanda had a feeling that Olivia was more ready to have a child than she thought or than she was herself.

"Well, if we decided to have you carry our child, us being married would give me automatic parental rights on the child and save me the trouble of having to adopt him or her."

"Oh right, damn it looks like you've thought this through." Covering herself with the bed sheets, Amanda quickly sat up on Olivia, her face was incredibly pale and she was shaking.

"Not really, I just learned a few things on the job, but don't worry, I'm not saying that I want us to have children right away. That's a decision that needs to be carefully considered and we have all the time in the word for that okay?" Seeing the panic on her girlfriend's face, Olivia sat up as well and reached out to pull her into her arms.

"But you would want me to carry the child, as opposed to adopting?" Pushing Liv away, Amanda quickly bounced of the brunette's lap and sat on the edge of the bed.

"Well, not that I would mind carrying the child but you're much younger than me, so it would be much safer this way, but if you're opposed to carrying, we can adopt. It's really not a problem." Olivia had given up the idea of carrying a child a long time ago and had even given up on having a child when she was denied the right to adopt, so whether they decided that Amanda would carry their future children or that adoption was the best option for them didn't make any difference.

"Yes, but I know you always pictured yourself taking care of me during the pregnancy, escorting me to every doctor's appointment and seeing the baby grow up inside me, feeling it kick and eventually be to be the one to cut the cord and the first to hold it?" There was no doubt in Amanda's mind this is was the way Olivia had envisioned starting a family and the simple thought of not being able to give her that had been tearing her appart ever since they had started dating.

"Yes, I would like that, but adopting is also a terrific experience, like I said, it's something that needs to be discussed when we're both ready to take that step, okay?" Sitting next to her girlfriend, Olivia could see the tears streaming down Amanda's cheeks and feel her entire body shaking and she could only imagine what could bother her so much.

" I...there's something I need to tell you but you're not gonna like it." And there it was, the moment Amanda had feared for the past year. There was no escaping this conversation and sadly, all she could do was pray that Olivia wouldn't reject her or be mad at her for holding that information for so long.

"You know you can tell me anything Amanda, what ever it is, I can handle it and I promise you that nothing could ever make me love you less okay?" Truth was, Olivia had already figured things out and while most people would have been offended by Amanda's choice to keep that information for herself, the brunette knew better than anyone that such a secret often came with terrible insecurities and fears of being rejected, of seeing the person you love look at you and treat you differently and she could only hope that Amanda knew her well enough to trust her and confide in her.

* * *

Hi guys, I'm glad that you enjoyed last chapter and that you weren't disappointed that Liv didn't propose. I think this chapter explains why neither of them feels the need to get married.

What do you think Amanda is gonna tell Oliva?What can be so terrible that she felt compelled to hide it up until now?

I'm sure most of you already have a theory but I think I might end up surprising you once again with an interesting(and positive) twist.

Thanks for the support guys!


	39. Amanda's secret

**Chapter 39 :**

**Amanda's secret :**

For a few minutes, the two women sat there in silence, Amanda rocking herself back and forth and Olivia gently patting her back.

"Do you remember my friend Rachel?" Without even looking at Olivia, Amand suddenly stopped rocking herself. Her heart beat was much lower and her breathing less erratic.

"Yes, you told me about her, she lived just across the street from you and wounded during her last tour in Afghanistan right?" Olivia was still sitting next to Amanda and while the blonde was refusing to make eye contact for now, she could sense that she was more relaxed and willing to confide in her.

"Yes, she got caught in a crossed fire just a week before the end of her deployment. She was wearing a vest, but got shot twice, one in her right leg and in her lower abdomen, right below the vest. The damage to her leg was not life threatening but the other wound was so severe that she started to bleed internally and despite the surgeon's best efforts, she had to have an hysterectomy." Rachel and Amanda had been friends since kindergarten, and while their lives had taken different directions they had never lost touch and met every time Amanda was in Atlanta.

"Wow, I'm sorry, I had no idea."

"You know she still considers herself lucky, not only she's alive her leg healed pretty fast and she was able to get discharged a few months later, but most importantly since she's always very prepared, she had the presence of mind of freezing her eggs before being deployed. Thanks to that choice her and her husband can have a biological child via surrogacy whenever they're ready." Amanda was slowly building up to revealing the truth to Olivia but couldn't gather the courage to, so she turned around, reached out for the brunette's hands and finally rose her head, hoping that the compassion and love in her eyes would give her the courage she so desperately needed.

"Yes, I heard that it's something female soldiers often do, in case something like that happens." When Amanda reacted so vividly to the possibility of carrying their child and told her that she had something to tell her that wasn't going to be pleasant to hear, Olivia's heart immediately jumped out of her chest and she started to imagine the worse and listening to Amanda tell her about Rachel's misfortune confirmed her suspicions.

"Yes, and what happened to her made me think and I realized that, what happened to her could as easily happen to me, so after considering it thoroughly, I decided that It would be wise to take the same precaution." A few seconds away from revealing her terrible secret to Olivia, Amanda was strangely calm. If the past year had taught her anything it was that Olivia was strong enough to handle her situation and that it wouldn't change how she felt about her.

"Okay..." Listening to Amanda talking, Olivia was now more confused than ever? Was this Amanda's big secret?

"I mean, I have nothing against adoption and being a lesbian I always knew that I wouldn't necessarily have to be the one carrying the child but I always wanted to be pregnant, to feel the child grow inside me, to feel it kick and move you know?" Amanda's desire to be a mother was not recent but it wasn't until she met Olivia that she started to believe that she might not have to have that baby by herself and that she had found the perfect person to raise it with.

"That makes sense."

"It does but unfortunately, the Doctor she referred me to ran some tests and discovered that..I was ..." Unable to say the actual word, Amanda started to squeeze Olivia's hand, hoping that she'd understand and that she wouldn't have to give her more details.

"Oh Amanda...Baby, I'm so sorry." Olivia didn't need to hear more and as the tears started to stream down Amanda's beautiful face, she pulled her into her embrace and start to pat her back as softly as possible.

"It's okay, my uterus is still perfectly healthy so using egg donation and IVF, I will be able to get pregnant, just not with my own child." Gently escaping Olivia's embrace, Amanda wiped the tears of her face with the back of her sleeve, there was still so much she needed to tell and ask Olivia and she needed to remain calm and lucide.

"That's a good thing right?"

"Yes, it just won't be the same you know." Amanda had spend the past few years coming to terms with her infertility and the only consolation she had was to know that she would still be able to carry a pregnancy to term.

"I know but genes don't matter. What matters is that you and I are going to love this child and that regardless of who provided the egg and the sperm, it will be _our_ child." For years, Olivia had dreamed about having a child but after being denied the right to adopt, she had started to lose all hope that she'd ever be a mother. Luckily for her, for the past year, Amanda had given her hope that maybe she'd have a family of her own some day and genes was really the last thing that mattered to her.

"I know, I'm so sorry I didn't tell you but I was so embarrassed, I was afraid you'd start to look at me differently."

"Well I don't, like I said, I couldn't care less whose genes that child has and to tell you the truth, even if you weren't able to carry a child at all, I would still look at you the same way. I love you Amanda because you're the most passionate, carrying, patient woman I have ever met and for another million reasons. Your ability to give me a child was never and will never be part of the equation, okay?"

"You're not mad at me for not telling you earlier?" Ever since they had started dating the two women had always agreed that honesty was the key to any healthy relationship and over the past year they had exchanged their deepest secrets, some of which were much deeper than her infertility and Amanda had expected Olivia to react strongly to her confession and to be offended that she had not told her earlier.

"No, I can understand. There's so much about me I waited to tell you about because I was scared you would look at me differently." Even if she was a bit disappointed that Amanda had not told her earlier, Olivia couldn't really hold it against her. She knew how much shame and embarrassment finding out she was sterile must have brought to her and she was determined to help her cope with it and to do what ever it'd take to make sure they could have the family of their dreams.

"Good, good. Look Olivia. There's something else you need to know, it's nothing bad, I promise but it's something I have been considering for a while now and since you bought us that house, I figured that you're ready to start a family right?" Amanda always knew that Olivia wanted to have a child sooner or later, but seeing the house, she realized that she was already ready and willing to start trying and she could only hope that she would be ready to consider her request.

"You're not ready are you?" When she bought the house, Olivia thought it would be the perfect way for her to make it clear to Amanda that she was completely committed to their relationship and to spend the rest of her life with her but she was afraid that talking about having children might be premature and seeing the serious look on her girlfriend's face, the brunette started to suspect that she might have gone too far, too fast.

"No, it's not that. I want children, I really do and the more I see you with them, the more I'm convinced that you're going to be a wonderful mother." Truth be told Amanda was convinced that Olivia would make a better mother than her.

"Then, why do I fell that you're hesitant, if not reluctant?" Olivia was still holding Amanda's hand but now it was hers that were shaking, the blonde was sending mixed signals and she couldn't for the love of God figure out where this discussion was going or what her intentions were.

"I...I have been considering this for a long long time and it's one thing that we won't know what the sperm donnor looks like or what kind of personality he has but this child won't look anything like me either, he or she will not share any physical or emotional traits with either of us."

"What are you saying?" And then it hit her, so hard that she almost fell backwards.

"I'm saying that I don't want us to adopt or use eggs from an anonymous donnor, I want your eggs Liv. I want to carry _your_ child." As the words literally slipped out of her mouth, Amanda felt both relieved and extremely anxious. She had considered it for months, stayed up at nights for hours thinking about another solution, but this was the only way she wanted to have a child with Olivia. After spending months trying to help Olivia cope with her identity and the DNA she was carrying within her, she was now asking her to pass that DNA on to a child and she knew the brunette too well to know that it was probably the hardest thing she could have ever asked her.

* * *

Hi guys! So, bad news, Amanda is infertile but good news is, she can still carry children! Now question is, will Liv accept to donate her own eggs so they can start a family or will she be reluctant to pass her genes on her kids?


	40. Olivia's decision

**Chapter 40 :**

**Liv's decision : **

"You what?" Had Olivia heard right? Did Amanda just ask her to donate her eggs, so she could carry her biological child?

Sitting there, her mouth wide open, Liv refused to believe that Amanda would be so insensitive and ask her to do this, not after spending months listening to her share her fears regarding her genetic predispositions and helping her cope with it.

"I want to carry _your_ child Liv." Amanda had feared of that moment for months, and she had a feeling that their future would depend of Olivia's decision, that, a refusal could put an end to their relationship.

"Is that why you helped me sort my life out? Because you wanted me to feel comfortable enough with my identity to donate my eggs to you? "Shaking her head in dispair, Olivia bent over to grab her clothes on the floor, put her black tank top and matching boxers and bounced out of bed.

"Liv…" That look on Olivia's face was what she had feared most, it was the look of a woman who felt betrayed, used even and she had no idea how she was going to convince her otherwise.

"No, Amanda, tell me the truth, you owe me that much!" Rising her voice as she demanded that Amanda explained herself, Olivia had to clench both her fists and resist the urge to destroy the furniture around her and to keep herself from storming out of the appartement.

"No, I decided to help you and to believe that you could vanquish your demons because I have been in love with you since the first moment I laid my eyes on you and I knew that helping you put your past behind you and finally come to terms with your identity was the only way for us to have a healthy relationship. It wasn't a manoeuvre to make sure that if we ever decided to have children, you would either agree to carry them or to give me your eggs. " Saying those words, Amanda also grabbed her clothes, got out of bed and carefully took a few steps towards Olivia who was now pacing around the bedroom like an animal in a cage.

"But after we started dating and I told you how I was conceived and how scared I was of having inherited his violent genes, you realized that I would never agree to carry our children, let alone donate my eggs so you could carry them..." Suddenly the reality hit Olivia right in the face, not only Amanda had spent the past year knowing that she'd never be able to carry a child of her own but also fearing that she would never convince her to donate her own eggs, thus depriving them of any chance of having a biological child at all.

"Yes. It has always been very clear to me that you loved children and that you were essentially a mother without one. When we started dating, I felt compeled to be honest with you and tell you about my condition but you confided in my first and you're right, after hearing about how you were conceived and after you shared your fear of having inherited his violent genes, I realized that we would probably never have a child of our own. I knew that you wouldn't mind adopting and neither did I, but we started working on your therapy with Georges and I just never got the opportunity to come clean, I'm sorry." The past year had been challenging for Amanda, not only because she had to learn to love and trust again but also because she had found herself appointed Olivia's confident and care taker and dealing with the brunette's issues had taken so much of her time and energy, that she had completely put her own issues aside, to focus solely on Liv's recovery and well being.

"I'm the most selfish person on earth. I spent our entire relationship so deep in my own crap that I didn't even consider once that you could have issues you needed help with." Shaking her head as she took a few steps towards Amanda, Olivia realized just how self centered she had been, how their entire relationship had evolved around her, her needs, her fears, and that Amanda had issues of her own and how lucky she was that the blonde was so strong and selfless.

"It's okay, I had my gambling under control before we started dating and I don't think I could have told you about my condition before being 100% sure that we were both willing and ready to have children." Feeling that Olivia was finally calming down, Amanda snaked her arms around her waist and kissed her tenderly.

"That makes sense but still, I was selfish and from now on, it's going to about you, your needs, your dreams, okay?" Saying those words, Olivia pressed her forehead against Amanda's knowing to well how she would interpret them.

"Does that mean?" Rising her eyebrows, her eyes filling up with stars, Amanda looked up to Olivia, hoping she had not misinterpreted her.

"Yes, as long as that the doctors tell us that I'm not too old, I would be happy to give you my eggs so we can have a child, if you still want one that could inherit my temper of course." That, right there, was the biggest step Olivia had ever taken in their relationship. For her to agree to bring a child that would inherit a quarter of her father's genes to this world meant that she had finally wrapped her head around the idea that DNA didn't make you who you are, that so many other factors were of equal if not bigger importance.

"Don't worry about it, we'll consult a specialist to check your fertility level and then we'll have the eggs check for any genetic disorders that can eventually occur after a certain age. But don't worry about it, I'm sure your eggs are like the rest of you, strong and healthy." Over the moon, Amanda pushed Olivia back on their bed, climbed on top of her and started kissing her. She could not believe that Olivia was willing to do that, that she had finally managed to convince her that DNA wasn't the most prominent factor in what made people who they are.

"Hey easy tiger. From what I heard IVF and egg donation are particularly enduring, so we might want to start to treat our bodies better." Before considering adoption, Olivia had looked into IVF treatment and she knew exactly just how emotionally and physically enduring conceiving a child together was going to be.

"Yes, you're right. Wait. Are we saying that we want to start trying now?" Sitting on top of Olivia to take a second to breath and contemplate the situation, Amanda was suddenly hit by the reality their discussion had triggered : Olivia was apparently eager to start a family with her and even if she was terrified, she knew slowing her down might compel the brunette to change her mind.

"Well, I think we should move into our new house and settle down first, but once we've done that, yes, I think we should go to a fertility specialist and see if we can conceive a child together." Truth be told, Olivia's eagerness had as much to do with her desire to have a child as it had to do with her not wanting to change her mind.

"Okay then. Oh Liv, I know just how much doing this is costing you and I promise that everything is going to be okay, that we're going to love that child and raise him or her right and he or she is going to be just as strong, caring and selfless as you are." Amanda whispered as the cupped Olivia's face and gently kissed her forehead.

"I know, I know." Her hands on Amanda's back, Olivia let a deep sigh out and gently pulled the blonde into her embrace.

The two women stayed in bed for the rest of the day, dreaming and talking about Amanda's pregnancy, both well aware that IVF was not the simplest procedure in the book, that it might not work on the first attempt and that the fertility treatments they would both have to put themselves through might seriously impair their personalities and put a strain on their relationship. Fortunately, the two women had been through much worse than a few hormone induced mood swings and they knew that their relationship was strong enough to allow them to overcome anything that could happen in the next year.

* * *

Alright guys. I knew that Liv made her decision rather quickly but after spending half the story focusing on her daddy issues, I decided to not drag things, that having her struggle with it again would be redundant.

What's next?

Well, I think I'm going to spare you of the boring medical stuff, such as the appointments with the fertility specialist, the various fertility treatments, tests and procedures(like the egg retrieval for instance) and only mention all those proceedings to directly skip to the moment when Amanda has the implantation and when they finally find out if she's pregnant or not.

That said, nothing is set in stone, if you want me to go into details, just tell me...

Thank you!


	41. Starting a family

**Chapter 41:**

**Starting a family :**

Two months have passed since Amanda and Olivia celebrated their first year anniversary.

About a month after setting foot in their house for the first time, Amanda finally had the pleasure of being carried across the threshold by Olivia, who, after living in the same one bedroom appartement for fifteen years and with Amanda's for about 9 months, was both happy to finally be building the life and the family she had wanted longed for her entire life but also a bit nostalgic knowing that her care free, self centered existence was now behind her.

While packing their belongings had not taken much time, choosing and buying new furniture turned out to be more challenging than the two women had expected. Although the couple already had some furniture, the little they possessed, while enough for Amanda's flat, was obviously not enough to furnish their new two stories, three bedrooms house. Lucky for the happy couple, Amanda's mother, upon finding out that her daughter and future daughter in law had decided to start a family, took it upon herself to fly to New York and offer to not only help them choose the best furniture for their house but also to pay for it.

At first, Olivia, who prided herself on knowing that she was purchasing this house on her own dime until Amanda would be completely debt free, had trouble accepting Dorothy's generous offer. Thankfully, after a quick conversation, Amanda managed to convince Olivia that it was her mother's way of contributing to the pregnancy and the providing the best environment for their future children and that turning her down would offend her. For Olivia, who had always taken care of herself, accepting someone's help for something as important as furnishing their house was unthinkable, but fortunately, the brunette was smart enough to know that her life had changed, that not only she was about to have a family to provide for and that would depend on her, but that by dating Amanda she had also gained a family in law that was there to support them and that for the first time in her life, she'd have to accept that help. So after considering things, Olivia accepted Dorothy's offer, on the condition that she would not buy anything for the nursery, which was a project Olivia wanted to take care on her own.

So, after spending a few weeks, packing and buying new furniture, Amanda, Olivia, helped by Dorothy, Adele along with Fin, Munch, Cragen and Amaro, the two women finally moved into their new house on a very cold but sunny saturday afternoon.

Unfortunately, the two women barely had time to enjoy their new house because the following monday was the day Olivia and Amanda had their first appointment with a fertility specialist Amanda's OBGYN who was aware of her condition had recommended.

Once Olivia's tests determined that her hormones level were high enough to produce fertile eggs, both women started treatment. Amanda, on one hand had to inject herself daily in order to thicken the uterus lining for the embryo transfer. Olivia on the other hand, had to take daily shots of FHS to increase the production of eggs, so the Doctor could retrieve and later fertilise several eggs as to save Olivia from having to go through the process several times if the procedure wasn't successful the first time.

While Amanda's injections didn't present with any noticeable side effects, Olivia's on the other hand suffered from serious side effects such as tender breasts, bloating, fatigue, irritability or headaches. Luckily for her, Amanda was not only used to Olivia's temper and mood swings but she was also extremely supportive and determined to do everything in her power to make those two weeks as comfortable as possible for Olivia, grateful that she was willing to go through all that to give her a child.

Thankfully, after two weeks of treatment, Olivia was scheduled for the egg retrieval procedure, which went perfectly well and 72 hours later, Amanda was finally implanted with the two embryos the lab had screened and determined to be the most healthy among the 4 that had been successfully fertilised.

"Hey, how are you feeling?" Just a month ago, Olivia and Amanda had shared their desire to have a baby with Cragen who was extremely supportive and offered them to take as much time off as they needed to go to the Doctor's appointments or for the procedures. Grateful to feel supported by her team who was more than happy to take on their shifts, Olivia was able to take a couple of days after the egg retrieval which despite being done under local anaesthesia was still a very stressful and delicate medical procedure. Now, it was Amanda's turn to be lying in bed, wondering if the procedure had been successful, but relieved that neither of them would have to go back to work for a few days.

"Tired, but I'm fine, thanks." Amanda mumbled, her head half covered by the warm blanket Olivia had gotten her.

"Are you in pain?" Climbing in bed, Olivia instinctively positioned herself next to Amanda and wrapped herself around her.

"No, the local anestesia was pretty efficient, I didn't feel a thing. I'm just drained." Shrugging her shoulders, Amanda quickly turned around, and placed her head on Olivia's chest.

"Yes, after the egg retrieval procedure, I wasn't in pain either but drained both physically and emotionally, good thing we don't have to go back to work for another day."

"Yes. Have I thanked you for what you've done for me?" For the two weeks the treatment had lasted, things were more than shaky between the two women and while Amanda knew Olivia's moods swings were only temporary, she had to take it upon herself to be patient and understanding, knowing what a beautiful gift Olivia was giving her.

"For us, I did it for us and besides, considering what a bitch I was during the whole treatment, I should be the one thanking you for baring with me." For the first few months of their relationships and up until Olivia had started her therapy, the brunette had put Amanda through a lot of arguments, moods swings and anger bursts and after months of therapy, she had finally found peace and had promised herself to not let her anger get the best of her ever again. Unfortunately the hormones she had to inject herself with everyday had sides effects she could not control, but thankfully things had gotten back to normal and she was feeling like her old self again.

"Yeah, don't worry about it, those were the sides effects of the hormones and besides, I'm pretty sure I'm going to be a pain in your ass for the next 9 months, so the least I could do was to support you for those two weeks." Of all the changes she knew she was about to go through, the moods swings, the hypersensitivity and inability to control her emotions, were the things Amanda feared most.

"Don't worry about that either, we'll figure things out and we'll manage. Now please, close your eyes and rest, okay?" For the past year, Amanda had taken care of Olivia, held her hand through hours of therapy, comforted her tight after numerous nightmares without ever flinching or contemplating leaving her and it was her turn to give some of that incredible support back and she had every intention of living up to the task.

"Okay. Hey Liv, do you think we made the right choice with the donor?" While dealing with Olivia's mouth swings and the side effects of the hormones treatment was challenging, what turned out to be the most challenging was to choose a sperm donnor.

Obviously, both Amanda and Olivia wanted a blond haired, with green eyes donor so the child would look like both of them, but what turned out to be difficult was to figure out what they were looking for in that donnor appart from his physical appearance.

Amanda who was extremely athletic and who had put herself through college thanks to a basketball scholarship wanted a donor that was equally found of sports and as accomplished. Olivia on the other hand wanted a donor with a most artistic side and couldn't care less if he was good at sports or not. Luckily the two women agreed on one thing : they both wanted someone successful, generous with his time and his money. After a week of consideration, the two women chose a thirty five year old donor who was an architect, with his own very successful company and who, on top of being very artistic had also put himself through college with a basketball scholarship. On top of being a big traveler, fan of rock climbing, he had worked with several organisations in Africa and Haiti and was donating 10% of his revenues to various charities. He had no history of mental disease , diabete or baldness in his family and didn't even have braces as a child. In more word : he was perfect.

"Yes, he's kinda perfect, but like you always said, this child will turned out to be who we raised him or her to be, regardless of the genes okay?" While Olivia had agreed to donate her eggs to Amanda rather rapidly, she still had concerns regarding the genes she was passing on to her child but had learned to accept that those wouldn't matter as much as the education they would provide their child with.

"He's okay on paper, but you're the one who'se perfect..." Amanda mumbled as she slowly closed her eyes.

"So are you." Kissing Amanda's forehead, Olivia started to think about that baby that was possibly growing in Amanda's belly and still couldn't believe that if things went as planned, in just eleven days they would find out that the blonde was carrying their first child. After weeks of medical appointments, hormones injections, book reading, things were now real and the reality scared her more than she would have expected. While she had always been good with children, she knew that raising a child of her own would be a real challenger, but luckily, she wouldn't have to do it alone, not only she had the best co parent she could have dreamed of but she was surrounded by a circle of friends and a family in law who were equally loving and dedicated.

* * *

Hi, well that was fast update! I know that after updating every two days a long time, I started to update less frequently but I was inspired and decided to update today!

So, as promised, I decided to not drag the medical proceedings on several chapters but I decided to at least mention what Amanda and Olivia went through which, if you know anyone who has gone through IVF is not easy.

I wrote IVF stories before so I'm pretty sure I'm not that medically inaccurate but I'm not a Doctor, so forgive any mistake I have made in this chapter.

Next chapter : We find out if Amanda is pregnant. Also, I decided to start included the rest of the gang a bit more which I think will be necessary during Amanda's pregnancy.

Thanks for the support!


	42. Results

**Chapter 42 :**

**Results :**

Eleven days have passed since Amanda had gone through the embryo implantation. Following the Doctor's orders, she agreed to be taken off active duty and although it drove her insane, to stay behind her desk at least until pregnancy would be confirmed.

While she was still actively participating to the investigations, her involvement was reduced to gaining victims' trust and take their statements, or tracking down potential suspects. At first this temporary position was frustrated but after a few days, Amanda realized that it gave her the opportunity to not only spend time talking with the victims, which gave her a better insight into what there were going through, but also to catch up on some late paper work but most importantly it kept her from potentially harmful situation.

Obviously, Amanda knew that facing danger came with the job and that there was no way to predict or avoid it, but those two weeks away from the field had given her the opportunity to reflect on her potential pregnancy and weight the pros and cons of going back to the fields.

Evidently, Olivia was more than reluctant to let Amanda going back to chasing suspects down or facing them in the interrogation room, two parts of the job that were equally dangerous and unpredictable. Amanda on the other hand, although determined to avoid overworking herself, had no intention of spending the next nine months behind her desk, sitting on her ass while Olivia and the rest of the team would be risking their lives. Fortunately, right now, all the two women could focus and worry about was the results of the blood test Amanda had taken that morning, negotiations regarding Amanda's future involvement at work would have to wait.

"So are you nervous?" Fin asked, taking a quick sip at his cup of coffee.

"About Amanda not being pregnant? Not really. We both know that the procedure only has a 35% success rate on the first try, so we've prepared ourselves but I really hope that it worked, because I don't know if I could go through the fertility treatment again to be honest." Shrugging her shoulders, Olivia remembered how painful those injections and the side effects were, but knew that it was well worth it if Amanda was pregnant.

"Well, Amanda is young, healthy and the clinic is one of the top fertility facilities in the city and besides she had two embryos transferred right? That should multiply the odd by two." If just a year ago, someone had told Fin that Olivia would living with Amanda and that they would be starting a family, he wouldn't have believed it and yet, things seemed to be exactly the way they were supposed to be.

"Yes, the Doctor retrieved and fertilised four eggs but only two embryos were healthy enough to be implanted which is more than enough, God, can you picture us with twins?" When they started talking about having a child through IVF, Amanda and Olivia didn't immediately considered a potential multiple pregnancy. Unfortunately, the fertility specialist advised her to consider multiple implantation, which obviously increased the chances of getting pregnant on the first attempt. After talking about it for a couple of days, both women agreed that considering how expensive and enduring the treatment was, that it was in their best interest to do everything in their power to encourage the odds.

"I have seen both you and Amanda with kids and I'm sure you're gonna be great parents, the only thing you're going to have to learn that's not necessarily natural to you is to balance work with your home life." Although Fin felt he should be the last one to give advice on how to raise children, he could sense that Olivia needed to be reassured on her abilities to be a good mother but also be be faced with the reality.

"I know, up until I met Amanda, I was married to the job and I never really made any efforts to maintain a relationship with anyone but things are different now, I have a good reason to stop sacrificing my personal life and I can promise you that I will not neglect my children by working crazy hours the way I have for the past twenty years." Shaking her head, Olivia made it very clear that from now on her family would be her priority, regardless of the sacrifices it might involve.

"Good, that should make things easier for everyone but you have to know that making time for your family won't be enough, especially with twins. I have an old buddy from the academy who had twins about ten years ago, a boy and a girl and he used to tell me how it took them a month to synchronise their feeding schedule and that he and his wife basically had to wake up every hour to feed them and they even had to make them sleep in separate bedrooms so they wouldn't wake each other up, not to mention that since they're not of the same gender, they don't have the same hobbies and he and his wife spend their week ends driving around town."

"Remind me why I even share my concerns with you?" Raising twins scared Olivia more than she would ever admit it to Amanda. She wasn't scared of not being able to bond with them and didn't doubt her maternal side but she knew that raising two children who could grow up being complete opposites and with different needs would be a challenge.

"Oh come on, I'm just kidding. You and Amanda are gonna be great parents, things might be shaky at first but you'll figure things out. Just don't forget to do everything she asks you to during her pregnancy if you don't want to get better acquainted with the couch."

"Oh trust me, I have every intention of attending to her every need, not that I usually refuse her anything anyway. Speaking of Amanda, here she comes." Fin and Olivia had been sitting in front of the courtroom waiting for Amanda to finishing giving her testimony but she had a feeling that the blonde's mind was focused on something other than the trial.

"Hi, Fin, you're next." Alex said, frowning.

"Wow, judging by the look on your face, things aren't going so well in there, are they?" Fin replied.

"No, they weren't but Amanda's testimony was strong and I think we're wining the jurors over, thank you Amanda." Truth was, Alex had never managed to become friends with the blonde. While they managed to remain professional and worked relatively well together, Alex couldn't help but being envious her, because while she usually spent her nights home working, Amanda got to go home to Olivia and to sleep in her warm and strong arms.

"You're welcome. Are you ready Liv? I know it's still early but I can't wait any longer." It had been about 6 hours since Amanda had her blood taken and every single minute that passed was a torture, she wanted, she needed to know if the procedure had been successful or not.

"Me neither but our appointent is not for another hour, but I'll drive us there anyway, just try to calm down." Seeing the pout on Amanda's face, Olivia had no choice but to comply, not that she wasn't as impatient as the blonde but because exposing their eagerness and happiness in front of Alex was, in her opinion, rather insensitive.

"Oh, now I understand why you couldn't get out of the courtroom fast enough, you have something better to do." Alex naively smiled, almost surprised that some people have a life outside of work.

"Yes, we're going to find out if the IVF worked or not. Trust me, those past eleven days have been the longest of my entire life." Amanda replied, snaking her arms around Olivia, not paying attention to what people around them would say or think.

"IVF? I didn't know you were trying to get pregnant." IVF, those three letters hit Alex harder than the bullet that almost killed her. She stood there, trying to keep her composure but all she wanted was to collapse. She couldn't believe that this happening. Although she knew Amanda and Olivia had moved in together, she was still hoping that their relationship wasn't _that_ serious. It could have been her, waiting for those results, if only she had been more courageous and less concerned about the repercussions of being in a lesbian relationship could have on her career, but it wasn't and the only thing she could do was smile and fake being happy to see the woman she had been in love with for fourteen years starting a family with another woman.

"Yes, not that we're superstitious or anything but we only told a handful of people, we'll make an announcement later." Just over a year ago, just the morning before meeting Amanda's mother for the first time, Olivia had lunch with Alex and was able to feel that something was different and for the past year she was able to witness the attorney distancing herself from her and her team. Actually she even suspected that the blonde was grabbing every opportunity she had to give SVU cases to other ADA. Far from being clueless, Olivia was able to deduce that Alex had developed romantic feelings over the years and suspected working alongside Amanda made working with the team harder than when she stepped down from her position as Bureau Chief. Deep down, Olivia knew that she should have a conversation with Alex but feared that it would only push her away further and the last thing she wanted was having to explain the situation to Amanda and awake her jealousy and insecurities, especially during her pregnancy.

"Well, I will keep my fingers crossed for you. Fin, let's go to my office and go through your testimony once again. " Nodding, Alex turned around and started to walk towards the door, she knew that if she looked at Olivia in the eyes any longer, she'd be unable to hide her emotions.

"Sure." Shrugging his shoulder, Fin followed Alex towards the exit of the courthouse. Unlike Amanda who was still unaware of Alex's feelings for Olivia, Fin knew exactly how the attorney felt and prayed that Amanda would never found out.

About forty five minutes later, Amanda and Olivia found themselves sitting in the fertility specialist's office, waiting for the results.

"Will you be disappointed if I'm not pregnant?" It had taken Amanda years to stop feeling diminished by her infertility but she couldn't imagine failing Olivia once again by not getting pregnant on their first try. That's something she knew would be hard to comprehend and cope with.

"Of course not, I know you don't want to jinx us but considering you didn't have your periods since the procedure, it's fair to assume that it was successful but even if it wasn't, it wouldn't be the end of the world, we'll try again." Reaching out for Amanda's end, Olivia gently leaned over and kissed her tenderly on her right cheek.

"I don't want you to have to go through the treatment again, not after watching you suffer as hell the first time."

"It wasn't that bad, and besides you're the one who's going to carry our children for nine months, so the least I can do is go through a few weeks of hormones therapy, call it my small contribution." Saying those words couldn't help but wishing that she could carry those babies herself, but knew that it was safer for Amanda to do it and was hoping to be as involved as possible and to develop a bond with the babies before their birth.

"Knowing you, your contribution to this pregnancy is going to be everything but small." For the past two weeks, Amanda had found herself treated like a queen by her devoted girlfriend. Not only Olivia would do everything in her power to get them home at reasonable hours but she would cook, clean the house and also massage her feet on daily basis. If those two weeks were any indication of how supportive and caring Olivia was going to be during her pregnancy, Amanda had a feeling she had no reason to worry about over working herself or of being neglected.

"Good afternoon ladies!" Suddenly, Doctor Lewis stepped into his office, a brown folder in his hand.

"Good after Doctor, so do you have the results?" That morning, Amanda and Olivia woke up at six O'clock to make sure to be the first in line at the clinic to have a nurse draw the blonde's blood and the suspens was killing her.

"Well, first of all, I wanted to apologize for not for seeing you this morning but one of my patient needed me. So how have you been feeling since the implantation?" Sitting in his chair, Dr Lewis could see just how impatient the two women were but wanted to make sure her patient was fine before giving them the results.

"Yes, I'm fine. No spotting, no headaches or sides effects you warned us about and I haven't had my periods, so should I assume that I'm pregnant?" Pouting, Amanda squeezed Olivia's hand as hard as she could.

"Yes, Amanda, your HCG levels indicate that the procedure was successful, that and the lack of menstruation, congratulations."

"Oh...Liv, did you hear that?" Mumbling, Amanda could feel the tears streaming down her cheek, she couldn't believe that the IVF took, especially on the first attempt.

"Yeah...are we having twins or..." Olivia was lacking words to express how she felt but had a millions questions running through her brain, this was real, Amanda and her were going to be parents and there was so many things that would need to be taken care of.

"Well, as you know we implanted two healthy embryos and the high level of HCG in Amanda's blood indicates that yes, she's carrying twins."

"Is there anything we should do or avoid doing?" Although her heart was filling up with pride and happiness, Olivia's mind was still clear enough for her to express her concerns and make sure she'd get all the relevant advice that would secure the safest pregnancy possible.

"Well, I know it's scary but multiple pregnancies are not considered as risky these days. Amanda is in excellent physical shape, her uterus is strong so I see no reason for this pregnancy to not be as normal as any single pregnancy, but I would like to advice you to take things easy, you know avoid lifting heavy objects, reduce stress to a minimum, get plenty of sleep, at least until your OBGYN can locate the heart beats." While Amanda's pregnancy wasn't not considered high risk, Dr Lewis wanted to make sure that Amanda would not lose her baby, knowing just how devastating miscarriages were and how difficult it could often be to try getting pregnant afterwards.

"Heart beats can be detected around 8 weeks right?" Sighing, Amanda realized that this pregnancy will be about waiting, for the first ultrasound, to hear the babies' hearts or to feel them kick for the first time and she knew she'd have to learn to be patient.

"Typically yes but sometimes you can't detect anything until later my wife and I for instance weren't able to hear our daughter's heart beat until the eleventh week but you can schedule an ultrasound with your OBGYN whenever you want, but considering the size of the babies at the moment, you won't be able to see much."

"I guess we'll have to wait then. What happens if I start bleeding? At which point should I worry and go see my OBGYN?" Amanda asked.

"Amanda, darling, you have to stop thinking about the worst that could happen. We're going to do everything Dr Lewis told us to do and there's no reason for us to lose the babies okay?" Slightly turning on side, Olivia looked Amanda in the eyes and started rubbing the top of her hand with her thumb.

"I'm not being pessimistic Liv but Ashley lost some blood a couple of times when she was expecting the twins, so I just want to be prepared."

"And there is nothing wrong with that. Spotting during the first trimester is not that uncommon, actually some women don't figure out they're pregnant early enough because of it. I think you should only worry and consult your OBGYN if the bleeding is abondant and if you start experiencing vivid cramps, otherwise there's no reason for you to worry."

"Okay. Well, thank you Doctor, I guess we just need to process the news. We'll call you if we have any questions." Olivia's heart was still hammering her chest and the tears were still streaming down her face but the only thing she wanted right now, was to go home, lie in bed with Amanda and finally start planning the rest of this pregnancy.

"Yes, I will be forwarding your file to your OBGYN but I expect to hear from you on regular basis and don't forget that I'm always available for you, should you have any questions." Dr Lewis replied, standing up and walking towards the door. Although he was a very busy physician, Dr Lewis always tried to give special attention to all his patients, knowing that couple suffering from fertilities issues were generally more worried than other parents and truthfully, there was nothing that made him happier than receiving copies of his patients' ultrasound or pictures of their new borns.

About an hour later, Amanda and Olivia arrived home and immediately drew themselves a hot bath with bubbles, lit up some candles and slid into the tub.

"I can't believe we're pregnant. I can't wait to feel the babies moving." Olivia was siting in the bath tub, behind Amanda, her legs and arms snaked around her to keep her from sliding , her fingers roaming on her belly.

"Well, you're gonna have to wait a few months for that but I have to admit that's what I'm looking forward the most. Oh Olivia, twins, can you actually believe it? How are we going to manage twins?" Settle between Olivia's legs, Amanda felt safe, warm and cared for but she couldn't help but feeling as lost and anxious as any mother would.

"We have time to figure things out. Right now, I want you to focus on keeping you and the babies healthy and safe, okay?" And by safe Olivia meant away from criminals, and she knew this was going to be a painful conversation and negotiation.

"Okay. I know you'd like for me to stay on desk duty until the time comes for me to go on maternity leave but I think I'll go insane if I have to sit on my ass for the next seven or eight month."

"I know and that wouldn't be good for the babies. How about we take things one day at the time and see how things unfold?" She hated picturing Amanda chasing down suspects or facing them in the interrogation room but she knew that, for this pregnancy to go without trouble Amanda needed to be happy and fulfilled and that involved making herself useful at work and continuing doing what she loved the most.

"Yes, but I promise you that I will be reasonable, that I will take as much rest as the twins will ask me and that I won't push my limits. I won't do anything to compromise this pregnancy or to hurt our babies, I promise."

"I know and you can count on my to remind you of that promise and to help you as much as I can. I love you, the three of you." Kissing Amanda's shoulder Olivia started to realize just how challenging the next nine months were going to be, that on top of attending to Amanda's every needs, she'd have to make sure she wouldn't over work herself, take as much rest as possible, keep a reasonable diet and knowing how passionate the blonde was about her job, she had a feeling that cutting down her hours or take her away from the fields would be a very difficult promise to keep.

Fortunately, Olivia knew that part of her role as a partner and parent would be to make sure that Amanda kept her promise and the prospect of taking care of her little family for the rest of her life was everything she had ever dreamed about her entire life and that sensation of pride and commitment filled her heart with nothing but happiness and a feeling of safety she had never experienced before. She wasn't alone anymore.

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Hi guys!

I hope you enjoyed this chapter. I don't really know why, but I decided to include Alex in this chapter. Will she cause trouble later? I don't know yet but I opened that door a while back and I figured it'd make sense that Alex would be uncomfortable around Amanda and slightly disturbed by the news of Amanda's pregnancy.

Anyway, they're pregnant! Now let's see what happens.

There will be drama but also a lot of laughter and romantic moments!

Although I have a precise idea of the topics I'm going to tackle during the next few chapters , I'm open to suggestions, so hit the PM or review button! Thanks!


	43. Hearts

**Chapter 43 :**

**Hearts :**

A few weeks passed since Olivia and Amanda learned that the IVF was successful and that they were going to be parents.

Today is the day the two future parents were expecting since they started the whole IVF process, it's the day Amanda is scheduled for her first ultra sound, procedure that will, hopefully, allow them to listen to the twins' heart beats for the first time.

Although the confirmation of Amanda's pregnancy turned out to be the most exciting moment of their lives, they refused to get carried away and to start decorating the nursery or to plan the rest of the pregnancy until their OBGYN could locate the twins ' heart beats. Although of them is superstitious they know too well that while Amanda is perfectly healthy, miscarriages happen, especially in cases of multiple pregnancies.

"For Christ's sake, what is she doing? I'm gonna pee in my pants if I have to wait any longer!" Amanda says, clenching her jaws. Not only she was forced to drag herself out of bed at six O'clock on her day off to make her eight O'clock appointment on time but, as per her OBGYN's recommandations, she drunk two liters of water and her bladder is about to explode all over the consultation table she is lying on.

"I don't know, but don't worry she'll be here soon, do you think can hold it for a few more minutes?" Olivia replies, she's sitting next to Amanda and is gently massaging the top of the blonde's hand with her thumbs to calm her down.

"I guess. I'm sorry for being such a pain in your ass." Amanda is about eight weeks along and while the nausea and morning sickness started around the fourth week, it was only about two weeks ago that she started to feel a change in her mood and appetite and while Olivia is extremely supportive, the expecting mother still has trouble adjusting to those changes.

"You're a pain in my...butt Amanda. You're pregnant and you're going through a lot of changes both physical and emotional and my job is to give you all the support you need, so don't worry about a thing." Truth be told, Amanda was never the hardest person to live with. She is caring, considerate of Olivia's feelings needs and personal space but most importantly, she never let her pride stand in the way of their relationship and always reaches out whenever she's upset about something or feels that there is something wrong with the brunette. Unfortunately, she knows that she'd be discovering new faces of Amanda's personality over the next few months and that it is up to her to keep up and adjust to the situation and make sure the blonde's and the babies' needs are taken care of.

"I'm sorry for being late but one of my patient gave birth overnight and it took me for ever to drive back from the hospital. How are you feeling today?" Dr Coburn, Olivia and Amanda's OBGYN asks as she steps into the room, wearing a pair of blue scrubs and a white lab coat.

"We're feeling perfectly fine, no bleeding or cramps but I feel nauseous whenever I see raw meat and morning sicknesses are a pain." Smiling through grinned teeth, Amanda immediately squeezes Olivia's hand. Although part of her knows that in the absence of blood loss or cramps, chances are that the babies are completely healthy, there's still a part of her that's expecting the worse.

"Not to mention your breasts are getting more sensitive every day." While Olivia doesn't mind going on her knees and holding Amanda's hair back during her morning sicknesses or cook to spare her of the view of raw food, having to be extra careful every time she wants to hold her in her arms and feeling that the idea of having sex with her often disgusts the blonde are the two sides effects she has the most trouble adjusting to.

"Liv! Why don't you tell her about the last time we had sex while you're at it!" Rolling her eyes, Amanda quickly pulls her hand, shocked that Olivia would dare sharing such intimate details of their lives.

"I'm sorry, but it's a side effect of the pregnancy and I figured it was worth mentioning and besides I'm sure Dr Coburn has heard worse, right Doctor?" Apologetic, Olivia reaches out for Amanda's hand again, trying to remember the last time they actually had sex.

"Yes, I have heard worse don't worry. The morning sicknesses usually stop during the second trimester but there's a chance they won't so feel free to try every grand ma's recipe you can get your hands on and don't forget to drink plenty of water as vomiting tends to dehydrate your body. As for the tender breasts, I will prescribe a cream that works wonder." Winking at Olivia, feeling that the brunette was sexually frustrated, Dr Coburn reaches out to turn the ultrasound on and grab the tube of liquid she's planning on spreading on Amanda's skin.

"My mother has a ton of those remedies, I'll try them all if I have to. Now can we please get started? I can't wait to see our babies."

"Absolutely, this might be a bit cold." Dr Corburn nods as she spreads some gel on Amanda's lower abdomen before pressing the scanner on the blonde's skin until finally the two babies are finally visible on the screen.

"Oh my God, are those our babies?" Her eyes wide open, her jaw almost dropping on the floor, Olivia couldn't believe her eyes. She had seen almost every single of Eliot's wife's ultrasounds but this was a completely different emotion, this were her babies in that womb, a small part of her that was living and growing inside her incredible girlfriend's womb.

"Yes, it is. Here is baby number one and here is baby number two. They're both about 1.5 centimeter which is right within the normal size for twins at the stage of the pregnancy." Moving the scanner on Amanda's abdomen, Dr Corburn is looking at the screen, focusing on trying to locate the heart beats of those two tiny human beings in her patient's womb. This first ultrasound and seeing parents' reaction as they see their babies for the first time is one of the things she enjoys the most about her job.

"You see that babe, those are our children, they're already so cute." Tears streaming down her cheeks, Olivia slightly leans over and kisses Amanda. While the babies are the size of strawberries, their heads, elbows and feet are clearly visible, giving a very beautiful first picture to the expecting parents.

"Those are _your_ babies Olivia, of course they're cute and if they're half as bad ass as you are, I bet they're gonna start kicking soon." Part of her knows how much Olivia wanted to carry the babies herself and she is determined to help the brunette create a bond with the twins before their birth and to involve her in her pregnancy as much as possible hoping it would compensate the lack of physical bond with the twins.

"And here is the heart beat for baby number one and this is baby number two's heart, both around 160 per minute which is right in the normal range. Congratulations, you're carrying two perfectly healthy babies. Let me burn you a dvd and print a few pictures for you."

"You hear that? Their hearts are already so strong." Sitting on her chair, her head resting on Amanda's chest, Olivia can feel her heart pounding her chest, her mouth is dry and the tears are still streaming down her face. After years of fantasizing about this moment, it was finally real, Amanda is now carrying their children, two tiny human beings she'd be able to hold in her arms in a few months.

"Like, I said, they're _yours_." And she means every single word, the babies are hers, as much as she is.

This is the beginning of the most intense and incredible relationship of their lives. They are a family, for better or worse, and nothing that happened in the past is of any importance, this pregnancy and raising those twins together is going to bond them forever and Amanda is convinced that nothing could ever severe that bond.

* * *

Hi guys, this was the first mile stone for Olivia and Amanda!

As you probably noticed, I started writing using the present tense. I have never done that before but I figured I would give it a try. I do feel it's a bit weird so please tell me if it reads better or not and if you want me to continue writing like this!


	44. Valentine's day

**Hi guys!**

Well, it seems that you enjoyed the last chapter that was written using the present tense, so I think I'm going to continue to use it. Please bare in mind that english is not my first language and that I might need some time to adjust and make things more fluid and easier to read! If any of you wants to become my beta, drop me a line! I'm open to suggestions and please tell me if my use of the present has improve between the last chapter and this one!

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**Chapter 45:**

**Valentine's day.**

Today is the day Olivia has been preparing for the past two weeks, it's the second Valentine's day she'd spend with Amanda. The first one they got to spend together was last year, just four months after they started dated. Olivia, in an attempt to impress the blonde, made reservations in a very fancy french restaurant and booked a suite at the four seasons where they spent the rest of the night in bed, enjoying champagne and strawberries dipped in whipped cream and making love.

Unfortunately, Olivia knew that things would be slightly different this year because of Amanda's pregnancy. The blonde was now eight weeks pregnant and still subject to daily morning sicknesses, nauseas and headaches, not to mention that, despite the cream Dr Coburn prescribed, her breasts were still sore. Thankfully, making love on Valentine's day didn't matter to Olivia because she had something else in mind, something that would celebrate their love and hopefully seal it for ever.

" Good morning, how are you feeling this morning?" Forcing herself to lower her voice as to not aggravate Amanda's chronic migrane, Olivia steps into their bedroom, a tray containing their breakfast in her hands.

"I'm fine, it looks like that Chinese infusion I had last night worked because I don't actually feel like puking yet." After trying every single of her mother's recipes to stop the morning sicknesses, Amanda finally gave in and agreed to try the remedy their Chinese neighbour gave her last week.

"I was as skeptical as you were but I'm glad it worked, maybe you can have some breakfast for a change?" Over the past year, the two women developed their very own morning routine. While Amanda is in the shower, Olivia, who clearly doesn't need as much time to get ready, prepares them a healthy breakfast they would eat together and use this opportunity to talk. Being cops, they worked long and unpredictable hours, and can never predict at what time they'd be home or have the opportunity to spend quality time together without being completely exhausted. Ultimately, breakfast quickly became their private ritual. Unfortunately, ever since Amanda got pregnant, the blonde, not only spends a fair amount of time her head on top of the toilet every morning, but most importantly, rarely feels like eating breakfast.

"Yes, I'm actually pretty hungry, oh Liv, this is way too much. How long did you spend making all that?" Amanda's jaw immediately dropped as her eyes lays on the tray Olivia is gently settling on the bed. It contains not only french toasts, but also bunny shaped pancakes, an omelette, a fruit salad and some fresh orange juice, not to mention a beautiful yellow rose, Amanda's favorite flower.

"Not that long. Since you didn't wake up last night, I figured the infusion must have worked and that you might be hungry. I didn't know what you'd like, so I figured I'd just prepare all your favorite and besides, if there's one day I should spoil you it's today. Happy Valentine's day babe." Olivia sits on the bed next to Amanda, leans over to kiss her tenderly and hands her the rose.

"Happy Valentine's day to you too Liv. So, do we have any plans for today?" Cupping Olivia's face with both her hands, Amanda gently kisses her back, before reaching out for the orange juice.

"Yes, we do, but don't worry, nothing that requires leaving the house." Olivia replies, taking a sip at the orange juice as well.

"Oh, I thought you'd have an entire day and romantic evening out planned." Tilting her head on the right, pursing her lips, Amanda seems surprised, almost disappointed.

"Well, I figured that you would be too tired to go out, but don't worry, I have an entire day planned for us but nothing too exhausting or that would cause my two little Bensons to act up." Olivia pouts as she reaches out for Amanda's belly, hoping that the few surprises she had under her sleeve would satisfy the blonde.

" You mean _our_ two little _Rollins_, right?" Amanda strikes back, narrowing her eye brows, realizing that they never talked about that little detail, whose name would their children use?

"If it's important for you, yes, I don't mind. All I want is for the four of us to have the same last name." Biting her lower lip, Olivia reaches to her back pocket, takes a deep breath and waits for Amanda's reaction.

"Well, the only for the four of us to share the same name would be for us to get married." At first, Amanda is almost amused by Olivia's last comment but seeing the smile on the brunette's face, realizes that she's indeed very serious, causing her heart to immediately jump out of her chest, her chest to become dry and her eyes to start watering.

"Exactly, my thoughts." Taking a deep breath, Olivia pulls the small box she has in her back pocket, opens it and hands it to Amanda.

"I...Liv..." Almost mumbling, Amanda brings her right hand to her mouth, she can't believe that Olivia is about to do this, that after buying them a house and donating her eggs so they could start a family, that she is about to propose.

"Amanda." saying the blonde's name, Olivia bounces out of bed, takes the tray away, goes down on her right knee and takes another deep breath.

"Liv." Almost shaking, Amanda wipes the tears of the corner of her eyes, sits on the edge of the bed and looks down into the brunette's big brown eyes.

"I... I know that we said we didn't need to wear a ring or sign a piece of paper to feel committed to each other, and although I still believe that, things have changed since we last had this conversation. In just seven months, we're going to be the parents of two little human beings whose, health, education and happiness will depend on us. Although I believe that raising children together is most incredible and deepest commitment we could ever make to each other, the more I think about it, the more I realize that even if I don't need to marry you to feel like that you're my wife, that I'm yours and that the four of us are a family, I sure as hell want to. I love you Amanda and our twins and I want us to share the same name and to be able to introduce you as my wife, not by girlfriend, partner,better half, or even the mother of my kids, but as my wife, so Amanda Rollins, wil you marry me?" This sure isn't the most romantic proposal she could have come up with but it's sincere. Olivia Benson was never the sharing or chatty type but being with Amanda she learned to open up, express her feelings, doubts and fears both verbally and physically almost instinctively without having to think about it for hours first. And those few words reflect her state of mind perfectly.

All she ever wanted was to have a family of her own, a spouse she'd share a mutual and unconditional love with and children she would love, protect and provide with all the things her mother never provided her with.

After spending her entire life looking for that family, and years after giving up, she is finally building this family and the ring she is holding in her hand symbolizes all those years of searching, hoping and her determination to do everything in her power to love and protect Amanda and the twins from the horrors she sees every day at work and spent her entire life trying to eradicate.

"Yes, Olivia Benson, I'll marry you." Truth be told, Amanda is not paying that much attention to Olivia is saying, all she can focus on are those big brown eyes looking at her with that very intense adoration and support that makes her feel home every time she dives in them.

Her entire life, Amanda always felt appart, disconnected, not that she wasn't popular because she was. Growing up she was an athlete, belonged to various teams, had many friends, and later never had any trouble seducing women. Unfortunately as full of people as her life was, she always felt alone, like a small piece of her heart and soul were missing and it wasn't until she met Olivia Benson that she finally felt complete. And it didn't take much, all Olivia had to do to fill that hole in heart was shake her hands and smile had her when they first met and today, all the brunette needs to make her feel home is to hold her in her warm and comforting arms.

She sure loves her parents and sister and considers herself lucky to have been raised in such a tolerant family who immediately accepted her homosexuality but Olivia and the twins she is caring are her family now, a family she has every intention of spending her entire life protecting and caring for.

* * *

Hi dear readers.

So, this proposal was nothing spectacular or fancy. It was simple but romantic and sincere and writing it this way just felt right, you know?

Please tell me if you want a follow up chapter describing the rest of the day and everything Liv planned for them or if you'd prefer I skip directly to my next idea( which is pretty dramatic and intense!)


	45. Perfect day

I just realized that I passed the 500 review mark. I don't know what to say except I'm truly surprised and honoured that this story has managed to raise that much enthusiasm! I hope the last part of this fiction lives up to the rest and that I won't disappoint you!

Anyway, voters have spoken, here's a new fluffy chapter for you guys!

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**Chapter 45 :**

**Perfect day :**

Half an hour passed since Amanda accepted Olivia's marriage proposal and after finishing their breakfast, the two women settled back under their warm duvet.

"What are you thinking about ?" Olivia says, she's lying next to Amanda, her head is positioned on her belly and her fingers are wandering on her soft skin. Though Amanda isn't showing yet and despite knowing that she won't be able to feel the babies kicking for another couple of months, this quickly became her favorite position and she is determined to talk to her children every single day until their birth to make sure they'd know her voice.

"I was thinking that Detective Amanda Benson sounds kinda great." Amanda replies, holding her breath as she awaits for Olivia's reaction, she's lying on her back, her fingers are stroking her fiancee's hair.

"Are you serious?" Olivia replies, slightly rising her head, her eyes full of stars.

"Yes, I agree with you, I think it's important that the four of us share the same last name and it might as well be yours."

"Don't you think it might break your mother's heart?" Not that she isn't ecstatic to know that Amanda is willing to abandon her father's name to take hers and that their children would share it too, but she knows just how close Dorothy and her two daughters are and the last thing she wants is to cause a diplomatic incident.

"If I were straight I would have probably given up my name to take my husband's right? So no, I don't think she'll object and besides, you're giving her two grand children, so right now you could ask her for one of her kidney and she'd give it to you in a heart beat." As natural as this might seem, Amanda didn't make that decision lightly, she knows just how important family is to Olivia, and that, even though it might seem like a detail for most, sharing her last name with her wife and children would help her feel like they're a real, united family, that the three of them are hers and that nothing or nobody could ever break them appart.

"She does seems overly excited to be a grand mother but she already returned the favor when she gave me her permission to ask you to marry me."

"You asked permission to my mother before proposing?" Why is she even surprised? Of course Olivia called her mother and solemnly asked for her permission.

"How do you think I got the ring?" Olivia replies, narrowing her eyebrows as she points out at the beautiful diamond ring she is wearing.

"I just thought you called her to tell her you were going to propose and that she sent you the ring, not that you actually _asked_ for her permission, but I like that you're old school, it's terribly romantic." Amanda smiles as she gently presses her lips against Olivia's.

"Well, I had a feeling that she would give me her blessing but I figured it was a matter of respect to ask for her permission and thankfully she said yes and sent me the ring, telling me it has been in the family for three generations?"

"Yes, my grand father gave this ring to my grand mother and when my dad asked for their permission to marry my mom, my grand mother gave it to him." The fact that Dorothy gave that ring to Olivia means more to Amanda than her permission, which she would have given as long she knew that her daughter was happy, even if she had disapproved of the brunette, but this ring proves that her beloved mother has completely welcomed Olivia in their family.

"That's a nice tradition, speaking of the wedding, I might have agreed to let your mother plan everything." As close as Amanda is to her sister and mother, Olivia knows that she always tried to remain independent, refusing any help her mother ever offered her, including paying her gambling debts off and she is hoping that the blonde would finally accept Dorothy's involvement in what is meant to be the most beautiful day of their lives.

"It's okay Liv, there is no way you could ever persuade my mother not to get involved in the planning of her oldest daughter's wedding. And besides, with the hours we work, we won't have time to plan it ourselves anyway." Being the tomboy that she is, Amanda already knows that picking up a dress is going to be a nightmare and she's relieved to know that her mother is going to make it her personal mission to take care of any other annoying but necessary tasks such as picking the flowers, the music, sending invitations or setting up the reception.

"Exactly my thought, so when would you like to get married? How about the first week of march? That would leave enough time for your mother to plan everything." Olivia asks, as she makes her way up to Amanda's side, positions herself on her left side, her left hand supporting her head and wraps her right arm around her.

"Eager much?"

"Yes, I can not wait for you to be my wife but I also figured that you would prefer to get married while you're still not showing and that since you'd only be twelve weeks along, it shouldn't be a problem." Obviously Olivia couldn't care less about marrying a 6 months pregnant Amanda but she knows just how worried about losing her current figure her bride is and how uncomfortable she'd be getting married with an extra twenty pounds on her belly.

"That's why I'm marrying you, you're so thoughtful but don't you think I'm showing already?" Her left hand caressing her belly, Amanda can't help but feeling self conscious about her figure. All her life, she has been fit and extremely athletic and the idea of gaining weight and stretch marks she might never get rid of scares her to death.

"No, you don't. I know you're worried about your weight and that considering you're having twins you're likely to gain more than pregnant women usually do, but no matter how big your belly or thighs might get, you're still going to be the most gorgeous woman I have ever met, okay?" Resting on her left forearm while caressing Amanda's belly with her right hand, Olivia gently reaches up to kiss her beautiful fiancee, there is no doubt in her mind that a pregnant woman should be considered as the world eighth wonder and she has every intention of worshipping that body until the last day of the blonde's pregnancy and even afterwards.

"Thank you, I needed to hear that and I promise I'll do everything in my power to get back in shape quickly after giving birth."

"You're welcome but like I said don't worry about it. To be honest, I'm sure that the further along you're gonna be, the sexier and more attractive you're going to be and I can not wait to make love to and that baby bump." Slowly, Olivia starts to kiss Amanda's neck while making her way up to her breasts with her right hand, it has been weeks since they made love and she has every intention of making up for it.

"Liv, wait." Amanda objects as she gently pushes Olivia's hand away. Despite applying the cream her OBGYN prescribed on daily basis, her breasts are still extremely sore and sensitive and as gentle as Olivia is, she knows that a simple touch would be painful.

"Sorry, I won't touch your breasts, just relax okay?" Not feeling the discomfort in her fiancee's voice, Olivia continues to kiss her neck allowing her right hand to travel down towards the blonde's belly button.

"No, you don't understand. It's not about my breasts, I just don't want to have sex." This time Amanda pushes Olivia away hard, so she'd understand that she is completely serious and unwilling to engage in any sexual activity at the moment.

"I'm sorry, I just thought that since you're not feeling sick this morning..." Allowing a deep sigh to slip through her lips, Olivia rolls on her back and starts rubbing her face with both her hands.

"It's not only about the morning sicknesses or the sore breasts or the headaches, I just don't feel like having sex." She doesn't apologize, why would she? Although she's carrying Olivia's biological children, this is still her body and even though she's usually keen on satisfying Olivia's needs, she decided to focus on her needs for a change.

"I understand, don't worry about it." Sex has always been an important part of her relationship with Amanda and it took months for Olivia to be confident and comfortable enough to completely let herself go in the blonde's arms and the thought of renouncing to sex for the rest of this pregnancy isn't particularly enjoyable, but what can she do?

"Look, I'm sorry, I know it's been almost over a month, but I can't help it if I feel so sick all the time. Dr Coburn says that things should get better once I enter the second trimester and that on top of getting my libido back, I might actually get insatiable." Feeling the pain she just caused to her future wife, Amanda flips on her sides and adjusts her voice to a much lower, warmer tone.

"Then dieting might be a good idea, so I'll have enough energy to keep up with you and eat you up the way you deserve to be." At this point Olivia knows there's no need to extend this conversation and that all she can do is be understandable and patient and hope that Dr Coburn was right.

"I can't wait, so what have you planned for us today?" Resting her head in Olivia's right shoulder, her left arm across the brunette's belly, Amanda silently curses herself for being so insufferable and unable to satisfy her lover's most basic needs and even though she spent the first part of their relationship supporting Olivia and staying by her side through thick and thin, she can't help but feeling as a completely selfish and spoiled brat.

"I'm not telling you anything, except that the first activity I scheduled for us should be here in about an hour." And by "activity" Olivia means two professionals she booked to come around eleven o'clock and treat them with an hour long massage followed by lunch from her favorite thai place. As for the afternoon, Olivia simply planned on spending it in bed discussing the wedding before drawing them a hot bath and lighting up some perfumed candles. The highlight of the day would be the meal she is planning on cooking, following Dorothy's recipe and the Steven Spielberg's movies marathon she prepared as a reminder of their first unofficial date.

* * *

Hi guys, I know this chapter was uneventful but I figured a little fluff never hurts right? Not to mention that they really needed to talk about the wedding and acknowledge the elephant in the room : the lack of sex.

About the next chapter, I'm going to give you the opportunity to vote again.

Would you prefer the next chapter to be the wedding or would you prefer if I wrote the drama I promised you (I would obviously mention the wedding at the beginning of the chapter, but just briefly).

Thank you!


	46. Trouble in paradize

**Chapter 46 :**

**Trouble in paradise :**

Three months passed since Amanda and Olivia got engaged and Amanda is now entering her twentieth week of pregnancy.

As suggested by Olivia, the two women got married the first week of March surrounded by a close group of friends and family. Although Amanda and Olivia knew a lot of people in the departement they chose to only invite close friends such as Captain Cragen who walked Olivia down the aisle, Fin, Munch, George, Melinda, Nick and his daughter who was more than happy to be one of the flower girls along with Amanda's family and Calvin whose grand parents agreed to let him fly to New York for the week end.

Following the brides' instructions, Dorothy and Adele planned a small, intimate but yet beautiful and tasteful ceremony that was performed in Central Park by Sergeant Munch who, after losing a bet a few years ago, followed online courses and got an official accreditation from the city authorizing him to officiate at weddings.

The ceremony lasted for about forty minutes during which Olivia, who, despite Dorothy's insistence chose to wear her uniform, and Amanda who was wearing a very simple white dress, exchanged the vows they spent weeks writing.

After the ceremony, the newly weds and their guests all gathered at the Benson-Rollins' residence for a long celebration that lasted until neither of them could stand on their feet. The next day, Olivia and Amanda flew to the Bahamas where they spent their honeymoon, ten entire days free of any work related stress or responsibilities, knowing it was probably the last time they'd get to go away on vacation just the two of them for a long time.

It's now mid-april and this week marks the end of Amanda's fifth month of pregnancy. Just like Dr Coburn predicted, this second trimester is much easier on Amanda than the first three months were. Not only the regular nauseas and morning sicknesses almost disappeared but the blonde's sexual appetite not only came back but continues to grow every day, making very hard for Olivia to keep up and satisfy her wife's cravings.

Unfortunately this second trimester brought its lot of inconveniences such as progressive gain of weight, back pain, tiredness, which, while they were to be expected, weren't easy for Amanda to manage. But one of the hardest downside of being pregnant and married to Olivia was that 1PP requested that the two of them be assigned to different cases from now on. When they started dating, both women and Captain Cragen agreed that continuing to pair Amanda with Fin and Olivia with Nick was the best option if they wanted to keep Amanda at SVU, but they were at least able to work the same cases. Unfortunately, as furstrating as this new situation is, the two women remain optimistic and grateful that Amanda wasn't transferred out of SVU and that they still get to work in the same precinct and sneak out to the break room when ever they need to see, kiss or even hold each other, even if it's only for a few minutes.

"Amanda, what the hell happened, are you okay?" Olivia asks as she steps into the squad room, runs towards her wife, her mouth is dry, her heart is hammering her chest and she can barely breath.

"Nothing, the suspect and I had a little disagreement." Amanda is sitting at her desk, her head pulled backward, she has some coton in her nose and blood all over her shirt. Seeing the concern in Olivia's eyes she knows instantly that she's in for a lecture which is not going to be easy for her to get way from.

"A little disagreement? Are you fucking kidding me? Let me see." Clenching her jaw as she sends Fin the deadest look she possibly could, Olivia gently reaches out and cups her wife's face, swallowing hard as she sees the extend of her injuries.

"Yes, I pushed the wrong buttons and he ended up head butting me, it's my fault though, I should have been able to dodge him but I guess my reflexes aren't as good as they used to be." Kissing Olivia's hand, Amanda tries her best to keep her composure and minimize the situation but her nose and left cheek bone are still hurting.

"You're pregnant Amanda, you shouldn't even go in the interrogation room, let alone by yourself, where the hell were you? Why didn't you let her go in there alone?" Turning around, Olivia closes her hands into tight fists, clenching her jaws and walks towards Fin. Ever since 1PP decided to break them up into two separate teams, Olivia implicitly put Fin in charge of taking care of her wife and their unborn twins but he failed her and he was about to pay for his neglect.

"Hey, don't look at me like that. She might be pregnant but she's not an invalide and besides have you ever tried to talk to her out of doing something?" Fin replies, remaining as calm as possible. Although he can see the anger and disappointment in the brunette's eyes and sympathize, he's not the slightest bit scared or impressed.

"You are her partner, you're supposed to protect her. She's pregnant for God's sake. What if the suspect had thrown her on the floor and started kicking her stomach?" Being away from Amanda most of the day, unable to watch her back the way she used to made Olivia extremely paranoid, to a point where her heart almost stops beating every time Amanda calls her whenever she's away in the fields.

"Would you please calm down? The suspect was cuffed to the table, so it was perfectly safe." Sighing, Amanda stands up and takes a few steps towards Olivia. Even though she loves her protectiveness and the unconditional love she already has for their twins, Amanda feels that Olivia is over reacting and unfortunately has a feeling that this is just the beginning of one particular conversation she has been avoiding for weeks.

"Perfectly safe? Okay, let's take a deep breath, shall we? The babies are sensitive to vibrations so I'm not going to raise my voice. I suppose you've seen a Doctor?" As angry and frustrated as she is, Olivia knows this is not the time or place to have this conversation, so she reaches to her wife's belly and starts wandering her hands on her shirt hoping the babies would kick.

"Yes, Doctor Warner examined me, the nose is not broken, I probably just burst a blood vessel and the babies are perfectly fine too. Actually I think they slept through the entire thing, but they're awake now, here." Her voice low and comforting, Amanda guides Olivia's hands on her belly hoping that feeling the twins kick might appease her.

"Thank God. I was so worried. I don't know what I would do If anything ever happened to you or the twins." Olivia's voice is now much quieter, her heart rate is back to normal but she's still shaking and breathing heavily. The thought of her entire family getting hut is almost too much for her to handle.

"I know, how about you take me home now? My head is still pounding and there's nothing I want more right now than to climb in bed and take a nap in your arms." Resting her forehead against Olivia's eyes, Amanda gently kisses her lips, regardless of the departement's policy on public displays of affection.

"Sure. Nick, would you mind taking things over for me?" Olivia asks, as she gently snaked her arms around Amanda.

"Absolutely, I will call you if anything changes. Since the victim is still unconscious, I'm probably gonna spend the evening looking at her financials and social networking account, see if I can find out where she was last night and with whom, so don't worry about it, I got this." Nick replies. He was standing right next to Olivia when she got the call from Fin and he was the one who drove her back to the station. As an over protective father, he can sympathize with what Olivia is going through and regularly finds himself remembering when his ex wife was pregnant with his daughter, all the sleepless night he spent picturing the worst that could happen during child birth or afterwards. Being a cop and knowing what human beings are capable of, tend to turn cops into over protective if not paranoid parents.

After a rather silent forty minutes drive, the two women finally arrive home. Up until today, Olivia has tried her best to be supportive of Amanda's desire to stay on active duty and to not show her disapproval, but what just happened convinced her that it was high time for them to have the conversation she knows Amanda has been dodging for weeks.

"Look, I'm sorry about what happened today. From now on, I will let Fin interview suspects when they're as big and angry as this one and I'll work on my reflexes." Amanda says as she steps into their walk in closet and starts unbuttoning her shirt.

"Or you could ask Cragen to put you on desk duty?" Blunt, straight to the point, for Olivia there is no circling the issue for hours. She needs to voice her concerns and camp on her position if she wants to convince Amanda that this is the best thing to do for their family.

"Liv!" Shocked at her wife's direct approach, Amanda quickly turns around, thew her bloody shirt in the laundry basket and stands there, not knowing how else to object.

"You're twenty weeks pregnant Amanda, so I don't think that's such a unreasonable idea." Olivia knows how stubborn and defensive her wife can be when she feels pushed into a corner and since she's the only one who can make this decision, she decides to take a few steps forward and snake her arms around the blonde's waist, hoping that by seeing the pain and fear in her eyes, she would consider taking a desk job.

"I thought we agreed that I would not take a desk job or go on maternity leave as long as I'm physically able to do my job or unless the twins are in distress, which they are not. The three of us are perfectly fine Olivia, just let me do my job the way I have been doing it for the past twelve years. Things are going to change soon enough, so just let me enjoy my freedom while I still can." Amanda is not completely unreasonable and there is nothing more important for her than her children's safety but all she wants is to continue doing her job the way she enjoys, knowing that from the minute she gives birth, she'll be unable to, that her entire life will be turned upside down and that every single decision she'll make will have to be made thinking about how it might affect her family.

"I know this is all a big adjustment for you, I know you're independent and that you like to do things your way, but you can't afford to anymore, you have to put our twins' safety first, not to mention you're getting bigger every day and I know it's going to be harder for you to move around freely let alone chase down suspects in the streets." Olivia can sympathize with that feeling Amanda has that her life is changing and that nothing is under her control anymore because up until she met her, she never had to care for anyone else than herself, to make any compromises or sacrifices or to put someone's needs before hers but things are different now and it's up to her to hold Amanda's hand through that difficult transition.

"We'll talk about that when the times come, for now I feel perfectly able to continue to do my job." Amanda replies as she gently pulls away.

"Then let's talk about what happened today. What if the next time you go arrest a suspect he pulls a gun and starts shooting at you?" Shaking her head, Olivia feels that Amanda is slipping through her fingers and that remaining calm and supportive might be the right approach after.

"Being a cop has always been is always gonna be dangerous Liv, what do you want me to do? Ask for a permanent desk job because we're going to be parents?" Now, that's not an idea she should put in Olivia's head and she knows it.

"But you're pregnant and you're acting like things aren't different but newsflash Amanda, they are and it's time you start acting accordingly." She's done being gentle and understanding, it's time to confront Amanda with the reality of their new situation.

"How can you say that? Of course I know things are different now and I'm taking every extra precaution." How dare she accuse her of not being aware of how much their lives changed? She's the one carrying their babies after all so she knows, and it scares her more than her wife can even imagine.

"If you were you wouldn't have dry blood on your chest." Not that blaming Amanda and guilting her into considering taking a desk job is the right way to do it but at this point Olivia is desperate and willing to do everything she can to convince her.

"That was an accident Liv, chances are Fin won't even let me go anywhere near suspects until I give birth anyway." She says that like it's almost a bad thing.

"Good! Maybe he can convince you to accept to go on desk duty." Narrowing her eye brows, Olivia realizes that Fin is and has always been very protective over her and that she could easily ask him to talk the blonde into making the right decision.

"Would you just let it go! I'm not going on desk duty, end of discussion!" Grabbing a shirt, Amanda then pushes Olivia aways and walks back into their bedroom. She knows there is no way they're going to come to an agreement and needs to get some fresh air before they both say things they might regret later.

"Don't you think I should have a word to say in this? Those are my kids too remember?" Ever since Amanda got pregnant Liv has been nothing but supportive, agreeing on every decision her wife saw fit but these are her children too and it's time the blonde starts treating her as an equal.

"Yes and I know they're biologically yours but it's still my body and I should be the one making that decision, not you!" There are so many things she has no control over but this, this has to be her decision to make, not her OBGYN, not Cragen, not Olivia and as selfish as it might seems she's determined to camp on her position.

"No! It's a decision we should be making together, isn't it how married and parenthood work?" Olivia hollers as she follows Amanda throughout the house, knowing she's aiming for the door.

"My body, my decision! I need some air so I'm going out for a walk, do not follow and you can sleep in the guest room tonight!" Slamming the door behind her, Amanda steps out of their house, tears streaming down her cheeks.

"Amanda..." Letting her wife's name silently slip through her teeth, Olivia stands there, unable to move, to do anything to keep her from leaving. For the first time since they started dating, they didn't manage to find a common ground and to agree on a solution that would satisfy them both and she could only hope that after a quiet night of sleep, the blonde would start reflecting on what happened and realized that a desk job is the safest and most reasonable choice to make.

* * *

Hi guys, against all odds, the majority of you voted for the drama and I'm more than happy to oblige!

I know that this chapter is all over the place, very intense and that my writing is not at its best but I still hope you enjoyed it!

Please feel free to give me your opinion on the situation and how you see it resolve!

thanks!


	47. Aftermath

**Chapter 47 :**

**Aftermath :**

It's only seven Am when Olivia wakes up in the guest room the morning following one of the biggest argument her wife and her had to date. Slightly opening her eyes, feeling the sun burning her skin through the thick glass of the window opposite the bed, she quickly tosses the covers aside, sats on the edge of the bed and reluctantly reaches out for her watch and wedding bands.

"Today was supposed to be so special." Sighing as she shakes her head, Olivia finally forces herself out of bed and makes her way to the master bedroom, hoping that the past twelve hours allowed Amanda to reflect on her behaviour and perhaps reconsider her decision.

"Hurry to get dressed, I already drunk a liter of water and I'm not sure how my bladder is gonna be able to handle it so I don't want us to miss the appointment." Amanda says as she hears Olivia coming in as she's about to sit in the large blue velvet arm chair strategically placed right by the window. She's already dressed and holding a pair of black converse in her hands.

"Don't worry, we won't be late, I just need a few minutes to get ready, we can have breakfast afterwards if you want. Here let me." In just an hour Amanda is scheduled for her twentieth week ultrasound, the one that will hopefully reveal the gender of their unborn twins. Determined to smooth things up a bit and appease the tension between them, Olivia takes a few steps towards her wife and kneels in front of her to help her put her shoes on.

"Thanks, I just weighted myself, I already gained fifteen pounds and I can't even tie my own shoes anymore." Amanda replies, as she sits back into the large chair, avoiding at all cost to meet Olivia's eyes.

"That's what I'm here for remember? And besides you're expecting twins, so it's perfectly normal for you to gain more weight than average, don't worry about it too much okay? You're still the most beautiful woman I ever laid my eyes on." Smiling as she tries to catch Amanda's eyes, Olivia instinctively reaches out to her enlarged belly.

"Thanks, I'll wait for you in the car." Although Olivia's touch is usually enough to appease her, Amanda is visibly still affected by their recent argument. She does not want her wife to touch her, talk to her or even try to make things right because she knows that Olivia's vision of what is right is a million miles away from her vision. They're not and will probably never be on the same page and as to not upset the twins or rise her blood pressure by engaging in yet another fight, she decides that it's best to just shove the issue under the rug.

"Just sit here for a minute." Forcing Amanda to stay put isn't that hard, considering that she often struggles to get up, all Olivia needs to do is reach out to her shoulder and to gently push her backward.

"Liv, come on, not now." Even though they always try to avoid dragging things for days after having an argument and solve the issue as fast as possible as to not create a void between them but this time, the blonde is clearly reluctant to face her wife and be confronted with her own flaws.

"Just give me a minute okay?" Still kneeling in front of Amanda, Olivia gently reaches out for the blonde's hand and gently started to rub their backs with her thumbs. She knows that the moment is crucial, that she can't afford to get carried away or to appear like she's pressuring Amanda to do something she's not willing or ready to do, she needs to be confident and yet calm and understanding.

"Fine."Dipping into these big brown eyes is enough for Amanda to see all the pain she caused and feel her heart instantly shatter in a million pieces.

"So, I was lying in bed last night replaying our argument in my head over and over when it hit me : I completely misunderstood you and the reasons why you refused to go on desk duty." Looking up, Olivia pauses for a moment and takes a deep breath, the last she she wants right now is to patronize her but to the contrary show her that she genuinely understands her motives and to emphasize the efforts it requires of her to do so.

"What do you think you know?" Pulling her hands, slightly annoyed by Olivia's excess of confidence, Amanda crosses her arms on her chest, looks down at the brunette and awaits to see if she really made the effort of putting herself in her shoes.

"Well, I realize now that it was never about pride and proving that you're still a badass cop that can still do the job the way she always has or even about independence and making it very clear that although the twins are biologically mine, you are still the one carrying them and that it is your decision and yours only. It's not about any of that at all and the worst part is you tried to tell me but I didn't listen." Allowing the words to slip through her lips, Olivia holds her breath for a moment, looks straight up into her wife's eyes and awaits for her reaction, for a sign showing her that she's on the right track.

"Then what do you think it's about?" Slightly tilting her head on the right side, narrowing her eyebrows, Amanda is surprised to see that Olivia is willing to admit her mistake and her lack of understanding but will she be able to put the pieces together?

"I think that the more your belly grows, the more you realize that our lives are changing and that every single decision we make from now on has to be made thinking about our twins' needs, about what's best for them. I think despite being the most selfless person I know and even though you spent your entire life taking care of your mother and sister, this new kind of commitment scares you to death especially since there's no way to predict what kind of challenges we're gonna have to face but you know what? It's okay because I'm scared too."

"Are you?" Even though Olivia is usually able to "profile" her very easily and to figure out what she needs or what's upsetting her, Amanda wasn't expecting her to be so accurate in her assessment.

"Of course. I might seem confident and hands on but I'm freaking out the same way I was when we started dated because I had never committed to anyone or made compromises before. Now, I'm scared to death because in four months, there will be two human beings completely depending on me and I don't know if I have it in me to be the parent they need me to be. Despite the work I have been doing with Huang, I still mostly feel that I'm completely screwed up and that no matter how much I love you and the twins, it's never gonna be enough. Fortunately, I know that I can't allow myself to self pity like that, that I can't afford to screw up because it's not about me or even you anymore, it's about them." Her hand on Amanda's belly, for the first time since they decided to start a family, Olivia finally breaks down and expresses her fears and past failures and she doesn't do it do show Amanda she understands her, she does it because she needs to, because being a family is about honest and caring about and for each other and suddenly Amanda's persistence to remain on active duty seems so insignificant, that Olivia almost forgets that her initial purpose was to help her see reason.

"Oh Olivia, you're gonna be, actually you already are the best parent these babies could have wished for and the best wife I could have dreamed of." Amanda whispers as she slightly leans over and kisses Olivia's forehead when suddenly it hits her : she's not the only one whose life is changing who has to start making concrete compromises and sacrifices.

Stroking Olivia's hair with her fingers, Amanda realizes that not only how fortunate she is that up until now her devoted wife has been doing everything in her power to support her and slowly ease the transition while herself entering that chapter of her life as someone, unlike her, who has been care and commitment free her entire life, but also that, against all odds the brunette is the one that's the most willing and ready to make that transition.

* * *

So, did you enjoy this chapter? Do you think that Liv is right about the reasons pushing Amanda to refuse to go on desk duty?

Im trying to do everything I can not to lose your interest and next chapter should be less drama with plenty of fluff and maybe some closure.


	48. Bundle of joy

**Chapter 48 :**

**Bundle of joy :**

It's around half past eight when Amanda and Olivia arrive at their OBGYN's office for the traditional twentieth weel ultrasound.

After taking her clothes off, Amanda is now lying on the doctor's table and Olivia siting by her side, holding her hand.

"Everything is going to be alright, just breath." Olivia smiles, one hand holding Amanda's and the other strategically placed on her round belly. Even though the blonde still hasn't agreed to take a desk job, the atmosphere between the two newly weds is much lighter and Olivia can barely hide her excitement and happiness.

"I know they're perfectly healthy, I was just thinking about how you would react if one of the twins was a boy." Up until now, Amanda avoided to bring up that sensitive subject because she knows just how worried Olivia is of passing her father's genes to a son. Unfortunately, in just a few minutes Dr Coburn might tell them that she's indeed carrying a boy, possibly two and bringing up this topic now seems more than appropriate.

"I would love to have a boy Amanda, as long as he's healthy, it's all that matters." Olivia replies as she gently rubs her wife's belly.

"You've come such a long way, I'm proud of you." After spending the first six months of their relationship struggling to help Liv come out of her shell and to try to shatter that armoir she was wearing so she could face and fight her fears and insecurities and staying at her side through thick and thin to help her overcome them, Olivia finally seems appeased, even happy at the prospect of having a son and that was the biggest reward she could have asked for.

"Thank you, I'm proud of myself too. You know, before meeting you, I never considered having biological children because I was afraid of passing these genes on to them but thanks to you, I realized that genes don't matter and I'm actually completely comfortable with the idea of having a boy, but I guess I wouldn't mind one of each."

"Me neither, can you imagine if we have two girls? We're gonna need a second bathroom..." Laughing as hard as she possibly could, Amanda immediately feels one of the twins kicking as hard as they could, perhaps as a sign of approval.

"That's for sure." Laughing as well as she feels her child kicking Amanda's belly almost through the skin, Olivia's heart suddenly stopped as she realized the challenge raising twins might represent, but it didn't matter, she prepared herself her entire life for this and logistic or money don't matter, only her and Amanda's unconditional love for these children and each other does.

"Good morning ladies, I see you're both in a good mood." Dr Coburn says as she finally steps into the exam room holding Amanda's file in her hands.

"Good morning Doctor, yes we're both pretty excited to finally find out the sex of the babies, so can we please get this over with because I don't think my bladder can take it much longer either." Amanda replies, clenching her teeth, trying to control her bladder, not only the babies are pressing on her it almost 24/7 but she drunk almost two liters of water to facilitate the ultrasound.

"Alright, have you talked about names yet?" Dr Coburn asks as she turn the ultrasound on, put her gloves on before spreading the cold gel on Amanda's belly.

"No, my wife, her mother and sister all think it's bad luck to talk names or to even start decorating the nursery before we know the sex, but it's alright we still have four entire months to prepare everything." Olivia, as any future parent would be, is very concerned when it comes to the twins' comfort and even though she already has her eyes on a couple of potential cribs and wallpaper themes, Amanda forbade her to buy anything, as for potential names, she truly has no idea and believes she won't until she finally holds them in her arms.

"And you know better than to contradict your mother in law. You know I had the same problem, my husband didn't want to know either so my OBGYN had to find a way to take the ultrasound using an angle that wouldn't reveal the sex of our baby to me, and in the end I was grateful because it was a real surprise, but I can understand your impatience." Placing the scanner on Amanda's belly Dr Coburn has no trouble locating the twins and their heart beats.

"Wow, they look so big." Amanda mumbles, squeezing Olivia's hand as hard as she possibly can as she finally sees their two unborn children on the monitor.

"Yes, they are, baby number one here is 6.2 inches from crown to rump and baby number two here is a bit smaller at 6.1 inches. They're a bit bigger than average twins which is a sign that they're perfectly healthy." As she tries to reassure Amanda, Dr Coburn can also sympathize with her fears because she knows just how painful and potentially dangerous for the mother delivering twins can be.

"They are, look at that, is this one sucking his or her thumb?" Her jaw almost dropping on the floor, Olivia can't believe just how detailed this ultrasound is and how clearly she can see their faces and little fingers.

"Yes, it looks like it. It's very frequent and always amuses the parents and to me it proves just how comfortable the baby is. Would you like to know the sex?"

"Yes, please." Olivia and Amanda both reply, their eyes filled up with stars. Although the sex of their babies doesn't really matter, they waited for this is the moment for the past five months and a few seconds away from finding out, neither of them could breath, think, let alone articulate a proper sentence.

"Let me see. Congratulations ladies, you're having two girls." Moving the scanner on Amanda's belly to get a better angle, Dr Coburn then looks directly into Amanda and Olivia's eyes to tell them the good news.

"You hear that Liv, two little girls." Looking into her wife's eyes, Amanda can't hold the tears anymore, her entire body is shaking and her heart is pounding her chest. After months of speculating, dreaming and picturing their children without being able to put a face on them, they can finally start planning the rest of their lives together with their little girls.

"Yeah, it looks like you're gonna have to sacrifice your walk in closet so we can build a second bathroom." Kissing Amanda's forehead, the strong, proud, fearless Olivia is suddenly helpless, unable to hide that overwhelming bundle of joy that is filling up her heart.

"Anything for my girls." At that precise moment, it's very clear to Amanda that her life has changed, that it's not about her anymore, but about them, about what they need and deserve and that above all they deserve a mother that's willing to put her pride aside and do the right thing.

"I'm going to print you a few pictures and burn you a dvd. I will be right back." Knowing neither Amanda or Olivia actually heard her, Dr Coburn quickly makes her way out, leaving the two love birds enjoy this moment.

"I love you so much Amanda, you have no idea. I'm sorry for not putting myself in your shoes, we're gonna do this your way from now on, I promise." Although she's less than eager to see Amanda going back to chasing suspects or roughing them up in the interrogation room, she'd hate losing her even more and if what it takes to make her happy is to let her do this then so be it, she'd just have to call her hourly and be on Fin's back every single day until the day finally comes for the blonde to take her maternity leave.

"No, don't apologize, you were trying to do what you do best : take care of me and the girl and protect us. I was the selfish, stubborn one and you were right, it's because I feel completely overwhelmed by what's happening to us and I'm scared to death to see our lives being turned upside down and not being able to keep up, but I swear I love your girls and I would never do anything to hurt them." Pressing her forehead against Olivia's, Amanda finally breaks down and admits her own flaws and all her pride and stubbornness suddenly seems so futile and insignificant in the grand scheme of things.

"It's alright sweetie, I know you love them but I think I underestimated how overwhelming having children, especially twins might be. Having a family is that I have dreamed about for years so I was more than ready but you're younger and I realize now that you were probably not in the same place and that we should have talked about it more. I'm sorry."

"I guess things happened really fast. All I wanted when I told you about my infertility was to be honest with you, and ask you to carry our future children but before I knew it we were both taking hormones. I guess things went faster than I expected and that I wasn't 100% ready, but I am now and I'll do what ever it takes to ensure that our girls are born full term and in good health."

"Good." At this point on their relationship, Olivia doesn't need her wife to say more, just looking into her eyes, she sees the love, the devotion and commitment she has for her and their unborn girls. Things are going to be okay, she can feel it in her stomach, they're a family and that's the strongest protection they could ask for and the only one they truly needed.

* * *

Hi dear readers!

So they're expecting two girls! I hope you enjoyed this chapter and that you're relieved that Amanda changed her mind.

I have not planned the next chapter but chances are it's gonna be full of fluff again, if you don't mind of course!

As usual, I'm always open to ideas and suggestions!


	49. Celebrating

**Chapter 49 :**

**Celebrating :**

It's about ten o'clock when Olivia and Amanda arrive home and both women are eager to celebrate the good news they received and to share it with their loved ones.

"Let me call my mother and then we can celebrate." Closing the door behind them, Amanda quickly takes her shoes off and immediately reaches out for her phone.

"Sure, I'll be waiting for you upstairs." Nodding, Olivia pulls Amanda into her embrace and gently kisses her before making her way up to the nursery, wishing she could call her mother too and share her joy with her.

About half an hour later, Amanda finally joins her wife upstairs only to find her standing in the middle of the nursery.

"How about we celebrate and talk about decorating the nursery later?" Amanda is standing behind Olivia and despite her belly between them she's able to snake her arms around her wife's waist. Slowly, her hands begin to roam from the brunette's belly to her firm butt. Giving it a quick squeeze and pulling her wife closer to her, Amanda starts kissing the back of Olivia's neck, drawing small circles with the tip of her tongue.

"Amanda..." Quickly turning around to face her beautiful wife, Oliva instantly feels the warmth building up between her legs.

"Olivia..." Smiling, Amanda begins nuzzling and kissing Olivia's neck, gently sucking on it, careful not to leave any marks.

Although Olivia is already aroused, Amanda is the first to lift her hands to her wife's right breast, gently massaging and squeezing it through her clothes.

"Have I told you how much I love your tits?" Amanda pants as she gently pinches and twists her wife nipples with one hand as she reaches the other behind Olivia's head, pulling it toward her as she leans in again for a long and passionate kiss.

"You've mentioned it a couple of times, shall we take this to the bedroom? I think making love in the nursery would be highly inappropriate " Olivia giggles, picturing how traumatized the twins would be if in a few years they were to find out that they made love on their bedroom's floor.

"Yes, not to mention there's no bed here and my back is more and more sensitive everyday." Nodding as she follows Olivia to their bedroom, Amanda's eyes are filled up with tears and shining with anticipation. Maybe it's the hormones or adrenaline rush from finding out the sex of their twins or simply the joy of feeling so loved and supported, but Amanda is more aroused than she has even been.

As they step into their bedroom, Olivia turns around and briefly kisses Amanda again, she then reaches to the bottom of the blonde's blouse and pulls it up over her head. It doesn't matter how many times she saw her wife naked, Olivia remains once again captivated by how beautiful she is.

While still kissing her, Olivia reaches behind to undo the clasp of her bra before stepping a few inches back to allow Amanda to lift her own shirt. Kissing the blonde once again, she drops the bra on the floor while her fingers trace from the back of Amanda's jeans to the front. She slightly stoops as she undoes the button and pulls the zipper down with one hand while wandering the other on the blonde's enlarged belly. Gently pulling her pants down, she then reaches up and pulls the panties down as well. Reaching up to Amanda's hips, gently shifting her to the side so that the bed was behind her, Olivia then pushes Amanda's bare bottom onto the bed. Seeing Amanda immediately parting her legs, Olivia can't resist leaning in and giving Amanda's inner thighs a little kiss.

Unsatisfied to sit entirely naked while her wife still has clothes on, Amanda immediately kneels and reaches out to pull Olivia's panties down.

Stepping out of her bunched up clothes, Olivia, as she feels Amanda's magic lips and tongue give her a quick kiss and lick near her entrance, immediately feels her entire body shiver. Eager to devour her beautiful wife, Olivia gently pushes her backward on the bed before climbing next to her.

Positioning herself on top of Amanda, resting on her left forearm as to not put unnecessary pressure on her belly, Olivia starts kissing her wife's neck while gently sliding her right hand between their two bodies all the way down to the blonde's inner thighs and gently starts massaging Amanda's already swollen clitoris. Tickling the blonde's entrance with her middle finger, she is immediately rewarded and encouraged when the blonde starts panting and bucking her hips, almost begging her for more.

"Wait." Almost pleading the brunette to stop, Amanda is breathing heavily, the warmth is streaming down her legs and her entire body is aching Olivia's touch.

"Am I hurting you?" Olivia asks as she instantly removes her hands from between the blonde's legs.

"No, I just...I want you to grab the strapon in the drawer." As much as she enjoys Olivia's touch and her long fingers inside her, right now she is craving for more, she needs to feel her wife filling her up and take her with that passion that's so unique to her.

"Okay, give me a minute." Nodding, Olivia bounces out of bed, opens the top drawer of her night stand, grabs the dildo, pulls it up her legs all the way to her hips, adjusts it carefully so the leather doesn't cut her blood flaw and and quickly climbs back to bed.

"Now fuck me!" Amanda orders as she grins slightly and pulls Olivia into a quick and yet passionate kiss. Her inner thighs are glistening with wetness and her entire body is aching for her wife's touch, she doesn't want Olivia to make love to her, she wants her to fuck her.

To insure that things take the turn she has set her mind on, Amanda pushes Oliva off her and quickly climbs on top of her, spreading her legs on both sides of the brunette's body. Determined not to waste any time, she grabs the head of the dildo, spits on it and after spreading her saliva on the long and thick cock with her hands, points the head towards her entrance. Before Olivia can object or slow things down, every inch is already buried deep between her legs.

Swallowing hard, Olivia places her hands on her tits and squeezes them gently as the blonde starts to move her hips, literally riding the cock.

"Let's do this my way." Olivia says as she gently pushes Amanda aside and climbs between her thighs while still inside her.

Leaning over her wife, Olivia's arms are tucked under her shoulder blades, hands gripping the top of her shoulders. Not necessarily unhappy to see her wife take charge of the situation, Amanda quickly wraps her legs around her waist, pulling her closer to her which allows Olivia to penetrate her deeper.

Feeling Amanda's body shivering and shaking, Olivia decides to slow my thrusts and to begin to slowly build her wife towards climax. Slowly thrusting in and out of her gorgeous wife as she sucks on her nipples, tickling it with the tip of her tongue Olivia can also feels her own arousal streaming down her legs as the base of the cock rubs on her clit.

"Oh, baby, I'm close." Amanda gasps and squirms as she arcs her back, her nails sinking into Olivia's back as she finally climaxes, her inner muscles tightening around the thick cock.

"That was fast." Gently kissing Amanda's neck and nibbling at her earlobe tenderly, Olivia slows down the rhythm of her thrusts before pulling out. She can feel her wife's baby bump against her stomach, her chest rising and falling, her nails running across her back, sending chills down her spine.

"Damn hormones. Let me reciprocate." Smiling, Amanda quickly pushes Olivia aside, pulls the strapon down before dropping it on the floor.

Climbing on top of Olivia, Amanda gently starts to caress the firm tits and tweaking the hard nipples causing Olivia to groan. Amanda then starts to plant tender light kisses on Olivia's breasts and is almost instantly rewarded when the brunette starts squirming with desire. Taking each nipple in her mouth one at a time and gently nibbling it between her teeth was enough to send electric shocks through Olivia's body.

Eager to taste the brunette, Amanda then slides down the bed and pushes Olivia's legs apart as she kisses her inner thighs. Olivia was dripping wet, so wet in fact that the blonde is able to lick the warmth of her inner thighs, tracing it all the way up to her pussy.

As Amanda starts to lick Olivia's swollen clitoris while tickling nipples with her fingers tips, Olivia's breathing becomes more and more shallow and her moans loudly audible. As Amanda's tongue circles Olivia's clit, the blondes slowly starts to stroke the blonde's entrance with her middle finger. Feeling Olivia legs moving further apart, Amanda gently pushes one, then two fingers inside her wife.

Although the last time they had sex was only a few days ago Olivia is barely able to keep it together, and instinctively pushes Amanda's head down, as a way saying that she's close and that she needs things to get to the next level.

Hearing the message loud and clear Amanda uses her hands to slowly open Olivia's legs and places her thighs on her shoulders. With one finger Amanda traces the soft outer lips of Olivia's swollen pussy lips and applies a gentle pressure spreading them open even further. Olivia is instantly overwhelmed by the familiar butterflies in her stomach as she gazes upon the sight of her moist cunt lips inviting Amanda's mouth.

Looking up, Amanda can see her wife's chest covered in sweat and the brunette tightening the grip she has around the blue bed sheets they are laid on. Thrusting a third fingers inside Olivia, caressing her inner walls, Amanda uses the tip of her tongue to lightly tickle the brunette's swollen clitoris back and forth.

Pulling her fingers, Amanda quickly thrusts her tongue deep inside Olivia's core, leading the tip of her tongue to touch Olivia's center and her sweet liquid to gush into her mouth. Unwilling to leave it at that, Amanda flattens her tongue back in and strokes Olivia's center up and down firmly enough that the brunette could feel it on her clit. That move is enough to make Olivia scream her name and for her swollen clit to twitch and ach for more attention.

Arching her back, Olivia pulls Amanda's head, trying to shove her engorged clit into her mouth much like a man would shove his cock into a woman's mouth. Far from being disconcerted by the brunette's excess of passion, Amanda wraps her lips around Olivia's swollen clitoris and starts sucking it, causing Olivia to gasp and a strong tremor to run through her whole body.

Olivia's hips immediately lift off of the bed as Amanda sucks on her clit, flicking it back and forth as her fingers prob deep inside her. Working her fingers in and out, very slowly at first and then with more intensity, Amanda, methodically presses again and again against Olivia's erect clit, which is now totally exposed from its hood. Literally devouring her wife, Amanda continues to lap at the hard clit as Olivia's body convulses and her inner thighs tighten around her tongue causing one of the most intense climaxes the blonde ever gave her.

After the most intense of her entire life, Olivia is now lying on her back, trying to catch her breath while Amanda gently pulls her tongue and fingers from inside her core and slowly makes her way up to kiss her tenderly, so she could taste herself. Loving the sweet taste of her own pussy, Olivia eagerly kisses her back and pulls her wife into her warm embrace, their two bodies tangled together.

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Hi guys and girls!

I'm sorry for if you read this at work or with people around you, I hope you didn't wet your chair, couch or bed. Nah, who am I kidding? I hope you did!

Thanks for the support!


	50. Free

Hi guys, thank you for the nice reviews on the last chapter, you know I'm not good with smut so I really appreciate your support.

Sorry for the delay, I have been extremely busy, sick plus my muse seems to have left me :(.

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**Chapter 50 :**

**Free :**

After that rather intense and tiring celebration, Olivia and Amanda lied in bed, their naked bodies tangled together.

"That was intense. Thank you, I needed it." Amanda pants, trying to catch her breath. She is lying on her back, her right arm lifted up behind her head.

"You're welcome. I'm here anytime you feel the need to unleash the wild animal that seems to be living inside you." Smiling, Olivia starts to kiss her wife's enlarge belly. As satisfying as these short but intense moments are, the brunette has yet to get accustomed to her wife's increased and almost insatiable libido but she learned to enjoy every minute, knowing too well that the third trimester might prove challenging.

"What can I say? You have that effect on me. I didn't hurt you, did I?" Suddenly remembering digging her fingers into Olivia's flesh, Amanda quickly reaches out for her back and gently starts stroking her delicate skin with her finger tips to see just how deep the marks are.

"No, you didn't. Anyway, not that I want to ruin this moment but we really need to talk about the nursery. I know we still have four months to arrange everything but I'd rather take care of it as soon as possible." Looking up, Olivia reaches out for the IPad on the night stand. She spent the past month researching wallpapers, cribs, baby clothes and everything else they would need and she is hoping that, now that they know they are expecting two girls and that she's satisfied and relaxed, Amanda is willing to discuss it.

"How about you surprise me? There's something I have been meaning to talk to you about." Amanda replies, as she gently takes the IPad from Olivia's hands.

"Really? Aren't you afraid that I might choose the wrong wallpaper or crib?" Narrowing her eye brows, Olivia can barely believe that Amanda would put that much responsibilities in her hands.

"No, I trust your taste and besides, I know that you didn't particularly approve of my mother helping us pick the furniture and actually buying it as a house warming present, so I think this is the perfect opportunity for you to do something for our twins with no external help or influence." Even though Amanda is delighted that Olivia agreed to let Dorothy to pay for the furniture, she knows her wife too well to know that her pride and desire to provide for her family were hurt when she allowed her mother in law to open her wallet like that and she's hoping that giving her the opportunity to take care of the nursery as her own personal project would balance things.

"I think she saved us a lot of time by being so involved but to be honest with you, seeing her pay for everything wasn't easy, but she's your mother and our children's grand mother and I'll have to learn to accept her help, as long as she doesn't get carried away." Having a mother to look out for her, someone she can call whenever she needs advice, someone she can count on and trust with everything is still very new and unsettling for Olivia, especially since Dorothy is very involved in Amanda and her sister's lives. Fortunately, up until now Dorothy seems to understand that they're a newly wed couple and that they need their privacy and to make their own decisions and mistakes. On the other hand, between the wedding she planned herself for the most part and Amanda's pregnancy, not a day passed without her calling with questions or advice, but what she Olivia do? Nothing, except trying to find the perfect balance between allowing her mother in law to be involved in their lives and keeping her from over stepping her boundaries.

"I know my mother can be over bearing at times but she's excited about her first grand children but don't worry, she knows you're independent and that you hate it when someone invades your privacy." Truth be told, as much as she enjoyed her mother's love and support, Amanda is grateful that Olivia is as independent as she is and that she made it her personal mission to set boundaries and that Dorothy seems to respect them.

"I know, I just have trouble adjusting to having a mother who's that involved in my life but I'm grateful, I love her, I hope she knows that." Being a cop, Olivia knows that anything can happen to her, that she can be injured or worse, get killed any day of the week, but knowing that Dorothy would be here to support Amanda through it and to help raise the twins, somehow bring peace to her.

"She does. Now come on, enough with my mother, read this." Biting her bottom lip, Amanda hands the IPad to Olivia, hoping that she'd enjoy her surprise and be proud of her.

"What is it?" Sitting up in bed as she pulls the covers all the way up to her chest, Olivia quickly wanders her eyes on the e-mail Amanda presented her with without knowing what she's exactly looking at.

"It's a receipt for a standing order from my personal to our joint account, as you can see, this amount will automatically be transfered every month from now on, you know for the mortgage." Amanda replies as she proudly pinches the screen to zoom in on the amount to be transfered every month, which represents exactly half their mortgage.

"I can see that, but I thought we talked about this, I don't want to see a dime on that account until you're entirely debt free." When it comes to the money, both women are equally proud but Olivia, sometimes has trouble understanding how diminishing not paying their mortgage is to her wife. As the supportive wife that she is, she doesn't see the harm in giving her time to wipe her debts off so they can start a new life together.

"As off last week, I am." Unfortunately, for Amanda not being able to pay for the house they're living in is a biggest embarrassment than being an addict, and, given the choice, she would have preferred to wait before purchasing the house.

"You are? I thought you'd still be repaying the bank for at least another 5 or 6 months." Obviously, when Olivia purchased the house, her only intention was to surprise Amanda and to prove her that she was ready and willing to settle down with her, not face her with the giant mess her addiction had put her in. Truth be told, at the time, she thought Amanda payed all her debts when her bookie was arrested, and was far from suspecting that the blonde had to take a personal loan to pay those debts. Finding out, she decided to never make any financial or drastic decisions without consulting her first, even if it meant passing on opportunities to surprise her.

"So did I but since I haven't been paying any rent since we moved in, I was able to adjust my payments and free my myself from that enormous debt earlier than expected. So from now on, we're in this 50/50, on equal foot." Although Olivia can be bossy in bed or in life in general, Amanda never felt that they weren't on equal foot, at least until Olivia took it upon herself to take that 25 years mortgage, but now that she's debt free, things are finally falling into place and she can finally allow herself to look at the future, knowing that there's nothing that can get in the way of her family's happiness.

"That's a terrific new Amanda, I'm really proud of you, it's a new life that's starting for both of us." Truth be told, Olivia considered paying Amanda's debt off but Fin advised her against it, saying that it would be the worst thing that she could ever do, that not only the blonde would feel embarrassed to have to be rescued but also that taking responsibilities for her actions and cleaning up her mess on her own was part of her recovery. As frustrating as it was to watch her wife struggle, seeing the pride on her face now, Olivia knows that she made the right decision and that without this burden, they're now free to make plans for their future, together, as a family.

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So, this was a quick fluffy chapter, that was probably boring and not necessary but I have been struggling with a terrible author block and this was a gentle way for me to come back.

I still have about 5 chapters in me before concluding this story. Don't worry, I still have a few dramas up my sleeve. Unless you have suggestions, the next chapter will take place about a month before Amanda's due date. Don't worry it won't be as boring as this one! So please bare with me!

Thanks for the support!


	51. Reaching out for help

To the anon who wants me to write a chapter set 15 or 20 years after Amanda gives birth : I won't tell you how I planned on ending I'm confident you're gonna like it! Read a few of my rizzles stories and you'll see how I usually end them...(the return or unconditional support for instance).

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**Chapter 51 :**

**Reaching out for help :**

Three months passed since Amanda and Olivia found out that they were expecting twins girls and the blonde is now thirty weeks pregnant. The day following her twentieth week ultrasound Amanda decided to ask for a desk assignment, request that Cragen was more than happy to grant her.

At first, staying behind her desk was extremely frustrating for the future mother who not only felt she was missing all the action but also that she was barely contributing to the investigations. Thankfully, after a few weeks, she realized that her new role was not only important but essential her team, that because she was always at the station she could act as a coordinator between the ME's office or the CSU team, thus saving the team precious time. But what she found the most interesting was that her computer skills allowed her to establish thorough profiles on both the victims and suspects without slowing the investigation down, profiles she could then deliver to her team. Taking her time, not always be in a rush, allowed her to get a new insight on her job and made her a better cop.

Unfortunately, with the twins growing a bit more every single day, Amanda was forced to take her maternity leave sooner than expected and to stay on bed rest. Thankfully, Dorothy was more than delighted to leave Atlanta temporarily to take care of her during the day, which somehow gave Olivia the peace of mind she needed to apprehend the last four weeks of this pregnancy and continue working, knowing that her wife was safe and well taken care of.

"Olivia?" Alex says as she gently shakes the brunette's right shoulder.

"Yeah, you were saying?" Brought back to reality by Alex's gently nuzzle, Olivia slightly turns her head on her right and smiles at the blonde, hoping that her lack of focus wouldn't be interpreted as unprofessionalism.

"I was just saying that you should go home and rest, I'll need you tomorrow in court and I can't have you fall asleep on the stand or looking like you do right now, no offense." Smiling back, Alex adjusts her glasses and bites the inside of her left cheek, she wants to reach out and rub Olivia's back to try to wake her up and motivate her to get home but she knows better than to try to establish physical contact with her.

"Don't worry, you know I don't need much sleep, which is a good thing considering I'm not getting much these days and that chances are I won't for the next year, according to my mother in law." Although Olivia is completely devoted to her family and doesn't see her responsibilities as a burdun, the lack of sleep and constant fear that something might happen to them had taken a toll on her.

"Yes, the first year is always hard, especially when you have twins, let's hope they sync their sleeping and eating pattern rapidly." This isn't easy for Alex, watching Olivia getting married, building a family with another woman is almost as painful to her heart as that bullet she took years ago. Unfortunately, working with Olivia, spending time with her prepping for court is the best she can expect and as painful as having to sit here and listen to her share her happiness and give her advice is, she knows it's the best she can hope for. Furthermore, she knows that she only has herself to blame, that if she had not been so scared and obsessed with her career and image, it could have been her carrying the brunette's children.

"I hope so too, but just because they're twins doesn't mean they'll have the same personalities or needs you know, but we're hoping that they'll be more or less in sync." In moment like is, Olivia wonders how they could have agreed to have the fertility specialist implant two eggs, and she has no idea how in hell they are going to manage trying to up with them, while getting enough sleep to stay alert at work while not neglecting their relationship.

"Your mother in law is staying with you, isn't she? I only met her once but she seems pretty hands on and to be the kind of woman who would want to help as much as possible, so I'm sure she wouldn't mind staying in town for a few months to help you adjust." Alex only met Dorothy this one time at Olivia and Amanda's wedding and it only took her about five minutes to understand the kind of mother she had been to Amanda and grand mother she was going to be for the twins and seeing Olivia interact with her, being so comfortable and joyful around her and the rest of Amanda's family, filled her heart with happiness, knowing that her friend had finally found the family she never had and she knew she had been craving for her entire life.

"Dorothy is pretty great, we're lucky to have her but I could never ask her to stay, not after being so reluctant to see her plan the wedding or when she offered to buy the furniture for the house. Amanda and I have tried to show her that we can manage on our own and we intend to continue to be as independent as possible." Truth be told, Olivia's stubbornness and reluctance to welcome Dorothy's help is the only subject of dispute between the two women.

"You don't really have a choice Liv. You're going to have twins and like it or not but you're going to need help, especially if Amanda decides to go back to work after her maternity leave and If I were you, I'd rather see my mother in law taking care of my babies than an over priced nanny we both know you'd never completely trust." Can Alex judge Amanda and Olivia for being career oriented and unwilling to become stay at home mothers? Of course not, God knows she'd make the same choice, should she ever be blessed with a child.

"I know, but I can't possibly ask her to leave her life and daughter behind. Let's see if she offers and we'll take it from there. Now, if you'd excuse me, I should really get home, I missed dinner already and I'd like to spend time with my wife before she falls asleep." Standing up, Olivia suddenly realizes how indelicate using the word _wife_ was, but she can't help it, whenever referring to Amanda, she always uses that terminology. Unfortunately, knowing how Alex feels about her, chances are that hearing this word feels like a bullet is shot right through her heart, but what can she do? Should she stops referring to the love of her life as her wife just to spare the ADA's feelings?

"Alright, I will see you in court tomorrow. Give my regards to Amanda and her mother and apologize for keeping you so late." Still seating on the right side of her couch, Alex can't help but taking a quick peek at Olivia's firm ass, what would she give to grab and squeeze it...

"I sure will, thanks for the chat Alex and please do yourself a favor and follow your own advice and go home." Adjusting her coat, Olivia gives the blonde a quick smile before walking through the door, eager to finally hold her wife in her arm and lay down after such a tough day at work.

"I will..." Sighing as she watches Olivia walk away, Alex can't help but remembering the time when people would gossip about them being lovers simply because they argued as such. Back then, the sexual tension between them was obvious to all and she can't help but wondering what would have happened if she had taken a chance and asked her out. Of all the things she regretting not doing, this is probably the sign of weakness she'd have to live with for the rest of her life knowing she missed the only chance she ever had and will ever have to be with someone that's truly good, selfless, caring and who's so different from her usual social circle that her life would have been full of new experiences and challenges, that would have made her the happiest woman on earth.

About half an hour later, Olivia finally arrives home and as she takes her coat and shoes off, she immediately notices her mother in law sitting on the couch.

"Hey Olivia, you're finally home." Smiling, Dorothy turns the tv off and invites Olivia to sit on the couch with her, hoping to get a few minutes before she'd go to bed.

"Yes, I'm sorry but this trial is going to be a though one so Alex wanted to make sure my testimony was flawless." Letting a deep sigh slipping through her teeth, Olivia sits next to her mother in law, closes her eyes and crosses her arms on her chest, hoping Dorothy's soothing voice would appease her, even if it's only for a few minutes.

"I understand that. Thank God your maternity leave starts in two weeks, let's hope Amanda doesn't deliver before." Although she understands that Oliva can't possibly take her maternity leave prematurely, especially since the department hasn't replaced Amanda yet, Dorothy often wishes that her daughter in law could be home at more reasonable hours to spend quality time with Amanda and not just a few minutes before bed.

"Well, she's 32 weeks along and the twins are fully developed and Dr Coburn told us that a premature birth was to be expected but I'd rather see Amanda deliver as close to term as possible."

"To be honest with you, considering they're fully developed, I think an early delivery would be beneficial for Amanda." Although she understand Olivia's desire to see her children be born at full term, Dorothy spends her days attending to her daughter's needs and she's on the first line to see just how tired and in pain she is.

"I know, how is she today?" The pain Dorothy feels as she has to witness her daughter's daily struggles to bring this pregnancy to terms is so obvious that it almost breaks Olivia's heart and she wishes she could just take her maternity leave, but she can't, not until Cragen finally hires her replacement.

"No Braxton's contractions but her feet are swollen and since her back is still killing her, she can barely walk around and had to stay in bed all day." When she offered to come to New York and help Olivia and Amanda arrange everything for the birth of the twins Dorothy was far from imagining just how in pain her daughter was and how difficult her pregnancy truly was, but as a ex nurse she's more than qualified to take care of her and make sure she's safe.

"Carrying twins is usually challenging but ours happen to be way above the average size and weight. God, it's killing me to see her like this, but what can I do?" And just like that, Olivia finally loses control of her emotions. After weeks, months even of keeping everything inside, she finally allows herself to share her feelings of inadequacy with Dorothy.

"You can continue to support her both emotionally and physically and set your own feelings aside. I know that sounds selfish of me to ask you this but right now, Amanda has to be the priority, you'll have the opportunity to release that tension after the babies are born, but right now she needs you to be the strong one. I don't think she's sleeping yet so how about you go upstairs, climb in bed next to her and tell her how much you love her and that everything is going to be just fine, that it's almost over?" Olivia's devotion and love for Amanda and the twins isn't something Dorothy would ever question but she knows how scary things are from the brunette's point of view and how powerless she can feel at time and that she sometimes needs to be straightened straight as to not lose focus on what's important : Amanda's welfare, even if it means setting her own needs aside.

"Yes, I know and I won't fail her, I promise, which is why, I have something to ask you." Bitting her bottom lip, Olivia pauses for a minute to carefully choose her words. What she's about to ask Dorothy goes against everything she tried to accomplished since Amanda and her started dating, but Dorothy's last few words and Alex's as well helped set her priorities strait and put her pride aside.

"You can ask me anything Olivia, you know that." Tilting her head on the right, narrowing her eye brows, Dorothy can only hope that Olivia is going to ask her to stay after the babies are born, but she doesn't hold her breath, she knows that asking for that much help would require that Olivia put her pride aside and even though it seems that she's starting to realize that she can not do everything by herself, she doesn't know if she's ready to ask for help yet.

"I know, how do I do this? As you know, I'm an only child, and my mom raised me on her own, well technically I kinda raised myself, so I'm not used to have people taking care of me or even helping me. I know that I have trust issues and I think you won't be surprised If I told you that it took me years before completely trusting my team but I know I can't afford to let my insecurities or pride dictate my behaviour anymore. I'm a wife and a mother now and if Amanda's pregnancy taught me anything is that I can't do everything on my own. I know Amanda loves this job as much as I do and that she's not more of a stay at home mom than I am and that we're going to have to get help until the twins are old enough to go to school. Now I know this is really a big favor and sacrifice I'm about to ask you but I was wondering if you would agree to relocate to New York and help us with the twins because I can not for the love of God bring myself to even consider hiring a nanny?" Even though she knows that Dorothy has been dying to offer her help to raise the twins, Olivia is still scared that she might say no, that she offended her so much by refusing her help on several occasion that she might refuse to do them this favor.

"I would love to. To be honest, I never thought you'd ask but you're growing up, I'm proud of you." Smiling, Dorothy pulls Olivia into her arms to give her the warmest hug she possibly can. Seeing Olivia reaching out for help like this, is enough to convince her, once again, that her daughter made the right choice when she married the brunette and when she decided to start a family with her.

"And I never thought I would ask, but like I said, pride is not a luxury I can afford anymore but are you sure relocating is not too much to ask?"

"No, it's not. Adele is perfectly capable of running the business on her own and I have been thinking about retiring for the past year. Now that I'm going to be a grand mother, the choice is a no brainer. I know I should try to convince you to hire a nanny, and to learn to try other people with the twins' lives but I can't possibly do that. I don't want any stranger raising my grand children either."

"I couldn't agree more. Well thank you Dorothy. I'm gonna join Amanda in bed and tell her the good news. I'm sure she'll be relieved." Smiling, Olivia delicately frees herself from Dorothy's embrace before bouncing out of the couch with her remaining strength.

"Sure, she'll be glad that you reached out to my for help. Good night Olivia."

"Good night." Walking out of the living room, Olivia takes a few seconds to take a deep breath, rotate her head to crack her neck and spine before making her way up to her bedroom.

"Olivia, you're home." Mumbling those words as she painfully opens her eyes, Amanda tries to sit up in bed a bit but the weight on her belly pulls her down almost instantly.

"Yes, sorry, Alex and I had to go through my testimony and you know how anal she is. I missed you." Although seeing the exhaustion and pain of Amanda's face almost breaks her heart, Olivia forces herself to smile as she climb in bed and kisses the blonde's forehead.

"We missed you too." Of all the things she could try to ease her pain or relax, feeling Olivia's strong arms around her is and has always been the best remedy for Amanda, that feeling she gets every time her wife steps into their bedroom after a long day of work and welcoming her home knowing that she's going to sleep in her arms is the most soothing she ever experienced and it somehow makes this pregnancy slightly more bearable.

"I know and I have a good news for us."

"Please tell me Cragen found your replacement and that you're taking your maternity leave sooner?" Amanda's voice is trembling and her heart is hamerring her chest because as supportive as her mother is, Olivia is the one she needs.

"No, not yet but he told me that he narrowed it down to two Detectives, one from Boston and the other from Queens. Considering how long the team has been together, he really wants to make sure that the recruit is gonna fit in, so he's being as careful as he was when he hired you and Nick, just hang in there a little longer, I promise it shouldn't be much longer." Every day that passed is a day that Amanda had to suffer without her by her side and she resents 1PP for not hiring someone when the blonde went on maternity leave, but hopefully Cragen will find her replacement soon so she can take her own leave sooner than planned.

"I understand, SVU is one of the hardest unit out there and he needs to make sure the person is up to the task and can get along with a team that's already very close. I just, Oh Liv, I couldn't even get out of bed today for anything else than going to the bathroom, I couldn't even take a shower." And just like that, Amanda bursts in tears in her wife's arms, after spending the past few weeks being strong both physically and emotionally, she just can't take it anymore, she wants these babies out, now.

"I know, shhh, you won't have to wait much longer and the good news is that I asked your mother to relocate to New York to help us with the twins until they start school." Holding Amanda tight in her arms, Olivia is hoping that this good news might cheer the blonde up a bit.

"I never thought you would ask her..." This enormous effort Olivia made hit Amanda right in the face, never since she's been dating the brunette had she imagined her reaching out for that kind of help.

"That's what she said but the closer you are to delivering our babies, the more I realize that we're not super heroes and that we can't do it on our own. We're gonna need help, especially once you come back to work and there's nobody I can imagine or would trust to take care of the twins more than your mother."

"Thank you, I was worried you might ask me to stay at home until they're old enough to go to school."

"I could never ask you to do that Amanda, not when I'm not willing to sacrifice my own career, now come on, close your eyes, I'm gonna take a shower, it should only take a few minutes. I love you."

"I love you too." Feeling Olivia's lips on hers, Amanda closed her eyes and slowly fell asleep, relieved that the brunette had reached out to her mother for help. Olivia is right, everything is going to be just fine, she can truly believe it now.

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Hi guys, I know this was a long chapter but I guess I was inspired! Sorry about the typos and the poor grammar, I'm exhausted and I have trouble paying attention, but I still wanted to give you this chapter!

Did you enjoy this chapter? If you did please tell me, if you didn't, tell me too.

This story is ending soon but I still have a drama or two up my sleeve! Trust me, you didn't see what happens in the next chapter coming!


	52. The unexpected

To the anon who has nothing else to do but to leave numerous heinous reviews : can I just ask that you to be original? Because calling me gross and saying this story is horrible every single time I post a new chapter is a bit redundant and it's getting old! As a native speaker, I'm sure your vocabulary is vaste enough for you to come up with more original and eloquent insults, right? Who knows you could actually teach me a few words!

Thank you!

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**Chapter 52 :**

**The unexpected :**

A week passed since Olivia decided to put her pride aside and ask Dorothy to relocate to New York to help with the twins on a more permanent basis. Even though Amanda is now twenty days away from her due date, her moral is as good as it possibly could. Despite suffering from terrible back pains, swollen ankles and being almost unable to get dress or shower on her own, the future mother learned to take comfort is the little things, like Olivia massaging her feet, shaving her legs or helping her shower but what brought the more relief to her was to know that, should anything happen to her during delivery or afterwards, Olivia would never be alone to raise their twins and that her mother and sister would be by her side every step of the way.

"What are you doing?" Stepping into their bedroom holding her back with her right hand, Amanda is almost livid, her heart is pounding her chest and her mouth is drying up. Despite having gone through thick and thin with Olivia, she has no idea how they're going to face this new ordeal or how to bring the news to her delicately enough to avoid provoking a violent reaction.

"I'm packing a bag with a few things for you and the twins just in case you need to stay at the hospital for a few days." After spending a whole month carefully picking up the cribs, wallpapers, changing table or new born clothes and transforming the empty room next to theirs into a perfectly safe and comfortable nursery for their twins, Olivia's newest mission is to prepare everything for Amanda's stay at the hospital and to insure that she'll be as comfortable as possible during and after delivery.

"That's very thoughtful." Smiling slightly at her wife's thoughtful idea, Amanda takes a few steps towards their bed and bites the inside of her cheek, still unsure of the words that should be used to bring this terrible news to her.

"It makes sense. I don't want to have to pack in a hurry or ask your mother to drive back to the house to pick up a few things and take the risk that she might not know which sleepers or robe to pack. Considering the twins might decide to grace us with their presence any day now, I figured I would pack now that the nursery is finally ready to welcome them." Preparing every single details of this birth is something completely new for the Detective. Up until a couple of years ago, she lived her life without making any plans for the future or even hoping that she'd ever have the life she's sharing with Amanda but against all odds, this life full of responsibilities, planning or unforeseen events fits her very well and she wouldn't change it for anything in the world.

"You're absolutely right, but would you mind sitting down? There's something I need to tell you." Amanda's voice is low, warm and comforting and as she reaches out to her wife's forearms as an indicator that something rather important is happening, she immediately sees her wife's face turning pale.

"Are you okay?" Feeling the gravity of the situation in her wife's voice, Olivia immediately reaches out to her belly, looking for some fetal activity that would indicate that the babies are in distress...or not.

"Yes, I am and so are the twins, but I'm afraid I have some bad news." Pushing the bag that's on their bed aside, Amanda invites Olivia to sit next to her and absentmindedly start stroking her hand with her thumb.

"Tell me." Right at this minute, Olivia has no idea what might have happened that would make Amanda so cautious, almost reluctant to tell her the truth.

"When you were in the shower, I received a phone call from a social worker in Vermont. There was an accident last night and Calvin's grand parents were killed on impact." In her almost 15 years career as a police officer, Amanda notified dozens if not hundreds of families, friends or even colleagues that a loved one had died but this, having to notify her own wife that someone she knows passed is something she wasn't prepared for, especially considering the consequences their deaths might have on their lives.

"Oh my God, how is he?" Being a cop, Olivia worked on enough suspicious car wrecks to know exactly the kind of injuries Calvin might have sustained and the motherly, paranoid, loving part of her immediately starts to picture the worse.

"Surprisingly well. Appart from a couple bruised ribs and a broken wrist, he's perfectly fine. I promise." Realizing her approach might have been to direct and her voice not reassuring enough, Amanda snaks her left around her wife's shoulder and started stroking her neck with her thumb, hoping it would calm her down progressively.

"Has he been checked out by a Doctor?" Olivia replies, as she snaps out of that momentary contemplative state to join Amanda back into reality.

"Yes, he was immediately given complete check up that included x-rays, an ultrasound, MRI, the whole package and there was no internal bleeding or any other kind of brain damage. He's fine, Liv." Although she knows that Olivia needs a complete report on Calvin's current medical condition, Amanda chooses to summarise what the social worker told her as to not overwhelm her with useless informations that her brain might interpret as more dramatic than they actually are.

"What happened?" Olivia asks as she forces herself to take deep breaths.

"From what Calvin told the social worker, they were driving back home from the movies when a car hit them at crossroad. According to the police it was a stupid accident, the driver's breaks just malfunctioned." Feeling that Olivia is having trouble breathing, Amanda starts rubbing her back with her left hand, hoping that knowing that they weren't hit by a drunk driver would somehow be of some comfort.

"God, Calvin, where is he now? He must be completely traumatized." Calvin is now fifteen years old and he's been through more challenges and survived more dramas than most adults and as resilient as he is, Olivia has no idea how she's going to help him cope with losing his beloved grand parents.

"Well, as he needed to stay at the hospital for observation but he's being released this morning and the social worker agreed to let him go home and stay with his best friend's family, the Walkers until you arrive." At this moment, Amanda knows that their lives are about to change, that on top of raising twins, they would very soon be in charge of helping a 15 year teenager cope with one of the most terrific experience of his life. But it doesn't matter how big this challenge is, Amanda knows just how important the boy is to Olivia and has no intention of getting in the way of what should have been a long time ago.

"What? No, I'm not leaving you." And just like that, Olivia is snapped back to reality, as much as she loves Calvin, her priority has to be her very pregnant wife and their unborn twins even if it breaks her heart to admit it, she can not bring herself to jump into the next plane and take to risk of missing the birth of her girls.

"I'm fine Liv, I haven't had any contractions in a week and I'm only tree centimeters dilated, so as painful as it is for me to accept it, these babies are not obviously not willing to grace us with their presence before their due date and besides my mother is here if anything happens, so get on that flight, take care of Calvin and bring him back home after the funeral okay?" The one thing Amanda fears the most is that Olivia might miss the birth, that she might be stuck on a crime scene at the other side of the city during rush hour and that she might arrive to late to witness the birth of their babies. Unfortunately, dramatic times call for drastic measures and she knows that Calvin's well being has to come first and the only thing she can do is to cross her fingers and hope that she won't give birth until they're back home.

"God Amanda, what am I gonna do? I always knew this day could come, but they were still perfectly healthy and I never thought they could die before he'd turn 18." Over the past five years, Olivia developed a respectful and understanding relationship with Calvin's grand parents. It wasn't easy at first because both Calvin and Olivia had to cope with being separated but with time, they both realized that this arrangement was what the boy needed, that David's parents were more able to offer him the stability and attention he needed. Now, after a few years trying to adjust, Calvin and Olivia would visit each other several times a years and his grand parents had developed a strong relationship with the brunette, strong enough for them to make her his legal guardian, should anything happen to them.

"But they did and that's why they decided to revise their will last year to make you his legal guardian." Amanda knows that getting custody of the boy is what Olivia always wanted but how can either of them be happy when seeing them reunited means that his grand parents are dead?

"You sound awfully calm, do you realize what this means for our family?" When Olivia and Amanda visited Calvin last summer, his grand parents shared their desire to update their will and make her his legal guardian but considering how healthy and active they were, she never considered that she could ever be faced with this situation and now that Amanda and her are married with two babies on the way, this situation needs to be adressed and the consequences carefully considered.

"We talked about it last year when they told us about their desire to appoint you as his legal guardian." Amanda's apparent confidence is almost unsettling, she's not panicked at the thought of having to raise a teenager, a mourning one none the less, and she has every intention to be supportive and keep her fears to herself.

"Yes, but we weren't married or expecting twins last summer, our lives have changed and..." Is Olivia so scared of finally getting what she always wanted that she's trying to find excuses not to jump right in?

"Nothing has changed Liv, you love that boy and he loves you and most importantly he needs you, the two of you belong together." Saying those words, Amanda suddenly remembers the day Olivia told her about Calvin and confessed that she waited to tell her because she didn't want her to fear that she'd never be able to love another child. Now, looking back, Amanda realizes that Olivia's fears were spot on, but not anymore, as much as she loves Calvin, Olivia has more than enough love for him and the twins and she knows that raising him won't damage their family dynamic in any way and that it will at most, turn their lives upside down but in a positive way.

"I…I guess but it's been five years and it took us so much time to cope with the separation and seeing each other just a couple of times a year and he's a teenager now, it's like he's a new person, what if we don't get along?" Mumbling these words, Olivia immediately falls into her wife's comforting arms.

"You both changed a lot over the past few years but deep down you're still the same extraordinary people you were when you met and if the love you have for each other survived the distance and the years, trust me, there's no reason do doubt it won't survived this. I'm here and I promise to do everything in my power to help you guys." Gently rocking Olivia back and forth, Amanda kisses her forehead, hoping that mourning and adjusting yet again to a new life wouldn't be too hard on Calvin because with the twins coming into their lives really soon, the last thing this family needs is a angry teenager acting out.

Thankfully, after observing Calvin and Olivia interact, Amanda has no doubts that not only the boy grew up to be quite an extraordinary young man, but that these two share a bond that goes beyond blood or DNA, and that as difficult as this situation might be, this bond will help them cope and hopefully bring them closer. Also, thanks to the many conversations they shared, she has a feeling that Calvin is extremely curious to meet the twins and develop a fraternal bond with them. Things aren't perfect and probably never will but they all went through worse and hopefully this incredible bond they developed over the years will help them face this new ordeal, as a family.

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Well, I bet you didn't see that one coming did you? I know this is happening very close to Amanda's due date but I figured it would add some tension to this already difficult situation.

I knew you wanted me to bring Calvin back to New York to be with Olivia, and it was always my intention, which is why I mentioned him from time to time!

I hope you enjoyed reading this chapter as much as I enjoyed writing it. The next chapter will either be Olivia flying to Vermont and making arrangements or I can skip directly to Olivia and Calvin flying back to NYC. Tell me what you prefer!

Thanks!


	53. Adjusting

I apologize for the small rant I included at the beginning of the last chapter, but since the hater is an anon, it's the only way I had to communicate with it(I consider anon haters as human beings so I don't use _he_ or _she_ when referring to one of them.) Unfortunately it didn't leave any review on the last chapter, sad, really, I think I'll miss it...not. I'm not worried, haters always come back.

Anyway, I won't happen again, but thanks for all the PM I received here on FF and on tumblr! You guys are the best.

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**Chapter 53 :**

**Adjusting :**

A week passed since Olivia flew to Vermont following the death of Calvin's grand parents. Upon her arrival, she was immediately picked up at the airport by the Walker's, Calvin's best friend's parents with whom he had been staying since the accident. During the short drive from the airport, Tom Walker confirmed the informations given to Amanda by the social worker and that Calvin's grand parents died in a accident after the other driver's breaks malfunctioned. When Olivia arrived at the house, she was surprised to find Calvin lying in bed in fetal position and while she expected him to rush into her arms the minute she stepped into the room, the young boy barely acknowledged her and remained silent for the entire week Olivia stayed in Vermont.

For the next week, Olivia, with the help of some of Calvin grand parents' friends, managed to arrange the funeral, get a appointment with a judge who gave her an order of custody allowing her to take him back to New York and meet with the family lawyer. Even though Calvin's grand parents were still relatively young and healthy, Olivia was surprised to find out that not only they had disinherited their son but that they put their life savings into a trust fund for Calvin and that the boy would also be the sole beneficiary of their life insurance policies and of the profit of the sale of their family home and that they had appointed her as the sole trustee until Calvin's twenty fifth birthday. Sitting in the lawyer's office, Olivia realized that, not only they truly cared about Calvin but that they also trusted her with his well being and future financial security but most importantly that she and Amanda weren't as prepared as they thought and that they should follow their example and open trust funds and appoint someone to be the twins' legal guardian, should anything happen to them.

After a week of signing paper work, receiving people's condolences and packing Calvin's things, the boy and Olivia are finally on their way back to New York.

"We should be home soon." Considering the amount of personal items Calvin accumulated over the past five years, Olivia decided to rent a small truck and drive back to New York, hoping the seven hour ride would give them the opportunity to talk before entering the chaos their house had turned into over the past few months.

"Yes. I hope Amanda won't mind my presence." Calvin replies, shrugging his shoulders. Despite Olivia's best effort to engage the conversation, the young man still remains very quiet, almost catatonic.

"Don't say that. She's so excited to see you that her water might break the minute we step into the house." Although Amanda and her always tried to include him in all their projects to make him feel part of their family, Olivia fears that adjusting to this new life style, especially with two new babies that will inevitably get most of the attention might prove challenging, but she's determined to give him as much time and love as possible to help him cope with this terrible loss.

"I bet she'd be grateful if that happened." At fifteen year old, Calvin is a very bright and responsible young man who's doing his best to be involved in Amanda's pregnancy and he knows just how painful this past trimester is for the future mother and he's secretly hoping that he'll be able to help around the house and with twins so both Amanda and Olivia can rest.

"Yes, indeed. Her mother told me that she physically threatened the OB yesterday because she refused to induce labor, thank god she didn't have her gun with her." Olivia replies, slightly relieved that Calvin is finally talking back to her.

"She's in pain but if there's no medical reason to induce labor, then she's gonna have to wait until the babies are ready to come out. I read it online." Although he always thought that his role in the twins' lives would be limited, Calvin took it upon himself to do online research, to get as much information as possible on multiple pregnancy witout having to ask too many questions.

"That's right, but she was five centimeters dilated yesterday and she'd had some contractions so it's only a matter of days now, but don't worry we have the best Doctor in the city on our side and we took all the birth classes so we're ready and the babies are perfectly healthy, so everything is going to be just fine." Pulling in the drive way of what is now Calvin's home as well Olivia tries to convince the boy not to worry but also herself. For the past few months, she has been reading all sorts of testimonies online and she knows about every single complication that can occur during child birth and the closer Amanda gets to her due date, the more anxious she becomes.

"Why would you tell me how many centimeters she's dilated? That's gross..." Calvin replies, as he unfastens his seat belt, a disgusted look on his face.

"My bad, well, are you ready?" Snaking her right arm around Calvin's neck, Olivia takes a minute to breath and make sure that he's ready to face Amanda, her mother and the new life that's waiting for him.

"Yes. Thank you for taking me in Liv." As he says these words, Calvin finally gives Olivia the first smile since they reunited.

"You don't have to thank me, I love you like a son you should know that. And besides how could I decline a life time of free baby sitting?" Smiling back, Olivia gently pulls Calvin against her and kisses the top of his head.

"We'll see about that. " As any fifteen year old teenager, Calvin isn't comfortable with physical display of affection but after spending the entire past week avoiding Olivia's touch, he finally allows himself to enjoy that short moment of affection.

"Come on, I'm pretty sure Amanda heard us coming and that she's at least half way down the stairs." Giving Calvin one last gentle nuzzle, Olivia then grabs her car keys and finally opens the door, thinking they'd just unload the car later.

Walking towards the door, Calvin and Olivia are both nervous and apprehensive because even though the boy often spent up to two or tree weeks at the time with them, this is now a permanent arrangement, not a vacation and both know that it implies that certain rules must be established on both sides and that adjusting might take time and that with the twins coming in just a few days, taking their time might be a luxury they won't have.

"Calvin, Olivia, you're home." Out of breath after climbing down the stairs and holding both her back and belly, Amanda painfully walks towards them, happy to finally have the opportunity to hold Calvin in her arms.

"Yes, sorry for the delay, I hope you didn't wait for us to have dinner." Letting go of Calvin's hand for a second, Olivia immediately rushes towards her wife, who she had not hold in her arms in a week, which seemed like months.

"Of course we did. Are you hungry? My mother made your favorite chicken pie." Kissing Olivia back, Amanda then quickly pushes her a way to pull Calvin into her warm embrace, a bit against his will.

"Actually, I'm really tired, I'd like to go to bed now if you don't mind. Thank your mother for me please." Slightly uncomfortable, Calvin quickly manages to escape Amanda's embrace and rushes towards the stairs.

"Don't take it personally, he doesn't even let me touch him and we barely exchanged tree words on the way back. Just give him some time." Seeing the tears rushing to Amanda's eyes, Olivia immediately pulls her into her arms, knowing just how much she cares about Calvin, probably as much as she does.

"I know. I'm just scared that with the twins coming, we won't have enough time or attention to give him." Shaking her head, Amanda took a deep breath of that reassuring sent that was Olivia's, feeling instantly safe but also worries that they might not succeed to help Calvin through this terrible ordeal.

"We'll figure it out. Now come on, let's get some dinner, I'm starving. Don't worry about him, he has plenty of snacks in his bag." Olivia sighs as she unwillingly guides her wife towards the kitchen, knowing that for now, what Calvin needs is space and time for himself and that as painful as it is she owes it to him to respect that.

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Thank you for the wonderful reviews on the last chapter. As requested I decided to skip the week Olivia spent in Vermont to focus on the moment Calvin and her arrive in NYC. Now, let's just wait and see how Calvin is going to adjust and how Olivia and Amanda will help him.

I haven't started the next chapter yet, so I'm open to suggestions, but don't worry, it shouldn't be long before the twins decide to grace them with their presence!


	54. Survivor's guilt

I apologize in advance for the typos and grammatical errors but the longer the chapters are, the less I seem to pay attention...The chapter is worth reading though, I promise.

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**Chapter 54 :**

**Survivor's guilt :**

It's about nine the next morning when Olivia wakes up next to Amanda for the first time in over a week. Lying on her side, her hand on her wife's enlarged belly, Olivia can't help but being torn between her happiness and that pain that overwhelms her every time she looks at Calvin. Will she ever be able to help him cope with his recent loss and make him feel part of the Benson-Rollins' family? Only time will tell, but she sure as hell will do everything in her power to make it happen.

"You're already up?What time is it?" Feeling Olivia's finger tips tickling her belly button, Amanda slowly opens her eyes wide enough to see her wife looking at down at her, her eyes filled with love and that smile that can light up a room almost as brightly as the day light.

"It's only nine o'clock, but I have a few errands to run with your mother, don't ask, it's a surprise." Not giving Amanda any time to object, Olivia presses her lips against hers.

"Alright, I won't. How's Calvin, have you checked on him?" Slowly and painfully straightening herself up, Amanda immediately feels a violent contractions striking through her entire body.

"Yes, I think he's unpacking, are you okay?" Helping Amanda to sit up in bed, Olivia immediately reaches to her belly only to feel the babies moving so vividly that she has no trouble sympathizing with her pain.

"You think? Have you checked on him or not?" Amanda replies, her voice slightly more agressive as she clenches her jaws to try to keep from screaming in pain.

"I walked by his bedroom and heard some noise but I didn't want to barge in and bother him, I think he needs some privacy but I'll check on him before leaving don't worry. Let me get your mother so she can check you up." Swallowing hard, forcing herself to take deep breaths, Olivia lets go of Amanda's hand for a second thinking that this is it, the moment they've been expecting for almost a year now is finally coming.

"No, I'm fine. Just one of those Braxton's contractions." Although she's had these particular contractions for the past few weeks, this one is particularly intense and endless, forcing Amanda to wonder if she'll be able to handle real contractions, labor and giving birth to two babies that are already above average size and weight.

"Just take a deep breath okay?" Cussing herself for being to powerless, Olivia gently starts massaging her belly, hoping her touch would appease the pain.

"I'm fine...Can we talk about something else other than the pain please? Distract me." Forcing herself to smile through grin teeth, Amanda squeezes Olivia's hand as hard as she can.

"Okay. Well, I called George a couple of days ago and he recommended an excellent psychiatrist for Calvin but I don't want to mention it to him just now. " Although Olivia held Amanda's hand through these Braxton's contractions in the past, this one seems more intense, which hopefully indicates that the twins are almost ready to grace them with their presence.

"I understand, you don't want him to feel that you care so little about him to just ship him off to a shrink."

"Yes, I want to give him some time and space to settle down and acclimate himself to his new life. I also want to give him the opportunity to confide in me first before sending him to a stranger."

"I understand and I'm willing to do everything in my power to help him cope with his loss, as long as we both agree that as much as we love him we might not be the most competent to help him." Repositioning herself on her back as the pains slowly starts to fade away, Amanda reaches out to Olivia's face with her right hand, knowing just how much she hates feeling powerless to rescue the people she loves the most.

"I know, being a parent means you have to accept that you don't have all the answers and that reaching out for help doesn't make you less competent." If there's one thing Olivia learned over the past couple of years is that reaching out for help doesn't make her weak or unworthy, that to the contrary it makes her strong and that putting her pride aside from time to time proves just how devoted she's to her family and how much she loves them.

"Exactly. Speaking of which, have you and Dr Huang discussed the possibility of us adopting him?" Smiling as she says the words that she knows will bring the brightest smile on her wife's face Amanda gently starts stroking Olivia's right cheek with her thumb.

"I...I...No, we didn't discuss that. I didn't think that's something you'd be willing to do especially since we don't need to do it you know." Adopting Calvin, making him a Benson, is a dream she gave up a long time ago.

"I know that considering both his parents have been stripped of their parental rights, there's no one left to claim custody so we have no legal reason to adopt him but I think it might help him feel more part of this family, especially once the twins are born and start monopolising all our attention and time."

"Maybe, but I never wanted to replace his mother. I know he still loves her and that he's still hoping she's gonna come back for him some day." When it comes to Vivian, Olivia is torn between wishing that she's still alive and hoping she'll never come back, knowing that people like her just don't change, not after falling that low and struggling for that long. She knows that as hurt as Calvin him to live without her, seeing him come back only to hurt and disappoint again would hurt him even more.

"Do you think she ever will?" Amanda never met Vivian but she heard enough about her to know that seeing her coming back is the last thing Calvin needs, that he would never recover, should she disappear again.

"I don't even know if she's still alive. It's been five years since she checked out of rehab. She never called, wrote or visited and that's exactly why the judge stripped her of her parental rights, so she'd have no legal rights to take him away from his grand parents if she ever decided to come back. I just...she's still his mother." That love/hate relationship Calvin has with this mother is one of the thing they have in common and just like him, Olivia knows what is like to still love a mother who did nothing to deserve that title and she understands better than anyone else how difficult it is for Calvin to keep hoping she'll come back and change, for him, because she loves him and to be let down every single time without ever being able to stop loving her.

"Giving birth to him doesn't make her his mother. You've loved and have cared more for him in the past five years than she ever did in his entire life. That said, adopting him wouldn't mean you're replacing her but that you, that we're welcoming him in our family. I think, after being abandoned by his mother, seeing his father being sent to jail and his grand parents die before his eyes, that he needs this reassurance that he's finally found a stable home." Things weren't always easy between Calvin and Amanda. When Olivia first told him she fell in love with the blonde and that she was convinced she was the one, the boy felt threatened, left appart, as if Amanda was going to replace him in the brunette's heart. When the two women visited him in Vermont for the time, the boy did everything he could to show is disapproval and to let Olivia know that he would not visit her as long as Amanda was in her life. Thankfully, with time, Calvin realized that just like he found his grand parents to raise him and provide him with the love he had craved for his entire life, Olivia too deserved someone to take care of her and slowly came to accept that Amanda was that person. Now Amanda and Calvin entertain a perfectly loving relationship and the only thing Amanda can hope for is that he won't feel threatened by the twins and that he'll learn to accept them in his life the same way he accepted her and he'd come to understand that loving them and caring for them wouldn't make her and Olivia love him less.

"You're absolutely right but let's take this one step at the time, shall we?" Although there is no doubt in her mind that she wants to officially adopt him, Olivia doesn't want to get carried away and prefers to play it safe and follow George's advice.

"Absolutely, now go get dressed, I can hear my mother downstairs and you know how she hates when we make her wait."

"Are you sure you're gonna be okay?" Wandering her hand on Amanda's belly, Olivia can fell that the babies are finally settling down and that the her breathing is more regular but doesn't fell right about leaving her, even for a couple of hours.

"Yes, Calvin is here if I need anything and I have both you and my mom on speed dial. I'll be fine." Truth is, Amanda is eager to spend some quality time with Calvin to see if she can get him to confide in her about his grand parents' death without Olivia knowing about it. She knows how hard Calvin always tries to show Olivia he's a man and that part of that is to hide his sadness, to keep it inside for as long as he can take and she's afraid of what might happen when that sorrow just explodes.

"Okay. I don't like this but we really need to take care of that...thing, it shouldn't take more than a couple of hours. Just stay in bed okay?" Pouting, Olivia gently kisses Amanda's forehead.

"I love you."

"I love you too."

Stepping out of the bedroom, Olivia quickly checks her watch and realizes that she still has time before driving to the airport to pick Adele up and that she might as well use those few minutes to talk to Calvin.

"Hey there. How did you sleep?" Olivia says as she pushes Calvin's door which is already half open.

"Very well, how's Amanda?" Calvin is standing in the middle of his bedroom, clothes, books and other personal items spread around him, he's still wearing his PJ's and he looks rested and content.

"She just had one of these Braxton's contractions that was pretty intense but she's fine now." Stepping inside the bedroom, Olivia quickly looks around her and realizes that this is now Calvin's sanctuary, the place where he'll spend most of his time after school, studying, reading or playing video games, that it wasn't just the room he occasionally slept in when he visited them over the summer and this was his home now.

"I think it should only be a matter of days." Still turning his back on Olivia, Calvin continue to fold his cold and to put them away in the gigantic wardrobe standing in front of him.

"That's what the Doctor said but in the mean time Dorothy and I are gonna pick up Amanda's sister at the airport, we should be back around noon." Apparently, Calvin is not in a chatty mood, this morning but it doesn't matter, Olivia knows that he'll confide in her eventually, that right now he needs his space.

"It's okay, I'll look after Amanda, is she going back to sleep?" Strangely, looking after a woman that could start having contractions any minute doesn't frighten him, after doing extensive research on the subject, he feels confident that he'll be able to help Amanda until the ambulance arrives.

"I think so, but I didn't come here to ask you to look after, I was actually wondering if we could talk?" Shyly mumbling these few words, Olivia crosses her fingers and wishes that he won't push her away again, the way he has for the past week.

"Sure." At this point, Calvin knows that he doesn't have much of a choice, that at some point he's gonna have to sit down and listen to what Olivia has to say and eventually open up about what happened that night. Thankfully, he knows that Olivia only has a few minutes and that he won't have to confide in her just now.

"I just wanted to let you know that Amanda and I are here for you, what ever you need, all you need to do is ask, okay?" After hesitating for a second, Olivia finally reaches out to the boy who's sitting next to her and snakes her arms around his shoulder and pulls him into her warm embrace. She'd love to say more, to tell him how much she loves him and how sorry she is that his grand parents had to die for them to be together again but she can't, not now, it's too soon.

"I know and I'm okay, I miss them, that's all." For a split second and for the first time since the funeral, Calvin allows himself to find comfort in Olivia's strong and loving arms but still manages to hold his tears.

"I know and I miss them too." Olivia too is holding her tears as she tightens the grip she has on the boy.

"You should go now, I can hear Amanda's mother getting ready downstairs." Shaking his head, Calvin resurfaces from that quiet and warm spot he had slipped in and gently escapes from Olivia's embrace.

"Yes, we'll talk more when I get back okay?" Teenagers, mourning or perfectly happy, it's hard to get them to accept a simple hug, but it's okay, Olivia doesn't need Calvin to express his love and gratitude physically, all she needs is to look into his big brown eyes.

"Okay, don't worry I'll call you if anything happens." Nodding, Calvin bounces out of his bed and takes a few steps towards his wardrobe feeling the tears slowly rushing to hus eyes.

About an hour later, after finally finishing sorting his things out and taking the time to get dress, Calvin decides to make Amanda some breakfast and to wake her up.

"Morning Amanda, I made you breakfast." Stepping into the master bedroom holding a large tray in his arms, Calvin can see that Amanda is already awake and is grateful that he won't have to wake her up himself.

"Thank you. I wanted to get up but then I decided I could use more rest." Smiling at that thoughtful gesture, Amanda puts the book she'd holding away and welcome Calvin to sit next to her.

"You couldn't get up hum?" The last time Calvin saw Amanda she was only six months pregnant and could easily get around and seeing her lying in bed, unable to move breaks his heart into a million pieces.

"No, It's hard to get up with and stand still when the entire weight of your body seems to be concentrated on your belly. Thanks for rescuing me, I was starving." Amanda replies as she licks her lips in anticipation of the delicious breakfast Calvin prepared for her.

"You're welcome, it's my grand mother's omelette recipe, I hope it's not too spicy." Calvin replies as he delicately positions the tray on Amanda's lap.

"I hope it is, I don't think I'll be able to take this much longer." And God knows she tried everything safe to induce labor like eating spicy food, but nothing seems to work and the only thing that's left to try is to have sex with Olivia, which she has every intention of trying once her wife is back home.

"Can I get you anything?"

"No, I'm fine, I've just had a few contractions this morning, nothing unusual. So tell me about your grand mother, she was a great cook wasn't she?" Grand parents always hold a key role in a child's life, not because of their wisdom and life experience but because children tend to confide in them more than in their parents and to look up to them as allies, only looking out for their best interest and not as ennemies. Sadly, the closest thing Calvin has to a grand parent now is Dorothy and he only met her a couple of time but Amanda hopes that the two of them will eventually get close and develop a strong bond.

"Yes, but she wasn't traditional like your mother, she always tried new recipes or even make up new ones so my grand pa and I never knew what we were gonna eat or if we were gonna like it or not." For the first time since their deaths, Calvin smiles mentioning and thinking about his grand parents.

"And here I thought you were as bad ass and adventurous as Liv." Smiling back, Amanda takes a small bite at the delicious omelette, hoping it's indeed spicy enough to provoke contractions.

"Yes, but not when it comes to food, I think I have a sensitive stomach like my grand pa, we had a lot of things in common but I'm all alone now." His head down, Calvin is unable to hold his emotion, the tears are rushing to his eyes and his voice is slightly shaking.

"That's not true. You've got me and Liv and we love you very much."

"That's until the twins are born but afterward you won't have time for me and I'll just have to go live somewhere else." Stability, that's the one thing Calvin always wanted and the only time he truly felt home was when he was living with Olivia years ago but this time it's different, it's like Olivia's life changed so much that he doesn't fit anywhere in her family or home.

"Don't say that! It's true that we're gonna spend a lot of time with the twins but it doesnt mean that we won't have time for you or that we will love you less, you hear me?" Calvin's fear of abandonment is so infuriating that Amanda rises her voice at him when the one she's truly mad at is his mother.

"I should have died in that accident." As angry as he is, Calvin's voice is strangely calm and steady. He's sitting next to Amanda, his head still down and the rest of his body is completely relaxed, as if he just stopped fighting.

"Don't say that." Shaking her head, Amanda painfully put the tray aside on her night stands and pulls the boy into her embrace.

"No, I should have, I wasn't sitting in the right seat, that's why I didn't die!" Suddenly, Calvin isn't so calm anymore, he pushes Amanda away and bounces out of bed.

"What do you mean by that?" As painful as it is for her, Amand forces herself to toss the covers aside and sit on the edge of her bed. If it comes to it, she's willing to get out of that bed and grab Calvin to force him to stay with her.

"I always sit in the right seat behind grand ma but I spilled some soda so I had to sit on the other seat." His hands closed into fists, Calvin is standing a couple of feet away from Amanda but can't look at her in the eyes. This guilt is experiencing is so overwhelming that he doesn't feel he deserves the compassion he knows he'd see in them.

"And the other car hit it your grand parents' car from the right." Sighing, Amanda finally comes to understand Calvin's inability to confide in Olivia or to express his grief by doing anything else than staying prostrated in his room.

"Yes! The only reason I survived is because I changed seats! That's not fair !" Bursting into tears, Calvin instinctively rushes into Amanda's arms. For the first time since his grand parents died he's finally able to tell the truth about the accident and to express his guilt.

"Oh Calvin, sweetheart, come here..." At that precise moment, Amanda is stroke by a pain that sharper than anything contraction she's experienced before and a warm liquid streaming between her legs. Determined to allow Calvin to express his frustration and guilt, Amanda clenches her jaws and fists around the sheets below her hoping it won't be long before Calvin is calm down and able to grab the phone and dial 911 because God knows she couldn't move her little finger even if she tries.

* * *

Well I'm glad you're all enjoying Calvin's return and since you're all so concerned about him and his grieving process I figured I'd focus another chapter on him so he could confide in Amanda about his loss. I just didn't want this part of the story to be contrived or to leave it unfinished before the twins are born.

Now I hope you don't hate me for the cliffhanger... Next chapter should be interesting!

Please tell me if you want me to write the birth of the twins in graphic details or just mention it quickly to focus on the moments leading to it and the moment they're all reunited as a family afterwards.


	55. Finally

Previously :

"Oh Calvin, sweetheart, come here..." At that precise moment, Amanda is stroke by a pain that sharper than anything contraction she's experienced before and a warm liquid streaming between her legs. Determined to allow Calvin to express his frustration and guilt, Amanda clenches her jaws and fists around the sheets below her hoping it won't be long before Calvin is calm down and able to grab the phone and dial 911 because God knows she couldn't move her little finger even if she tries.

**Chapter 55 : **

**Finally :**

"Amanda, what's that on the floor? Did you spill some juice?" Wiping his nose with his sleeve, Calvin suddenly notices the small pool on the floor between Amanda's legs.

"No, my water broke a few minutes ago." After several minutes of clenching her teeth through the pain while holding Calvin in her arms, Amanda is finally able to let a deep cry slip through her lips.

"Oh my God, why didn't you say something?" His eyes wide open, Calvin's first reflex to bounce out of bed and stay a few step away from Amanda.

"You needed to express your pain, so I held mine for a few minutes but it's okay, I'm fine. Would you please call Liv and 911? The contractions are getting closer." Her legs wide open, Amanda tightens the grip she has on the bed spread hoping Liv won't miss the birth of their twins.

"Yes, no, damn it! Liv and your mother are driving to the airport to pick up your sister so they won't be back for another hour, I'll call 911 first. Are you okay?" Pulling himself together, Calvin immediately kneels in front Amanda and grabs her hand while reaching for his phone in his pocket.

"Yes, I'll be fine...So, that's the surprise she told me about? Well everyone I love will be here for the birth I guess." Breathing through another contraction Amanda is amazed by how focus and calm Calvin him and as she listens to him making that 911 call she realizes that he's definitely make a very good, loving, caring big brother and she's grateful for having him by her side.

"They should be here in 10 minutes, just breath and don't push. I'm gonna call Liv now." Squeezing Amanda's hand, Calvin dials Olivia's number, confident that help would be here before labour starts and that if not, he would be able to handle it and calm Amanda down.

"She's gonna be so mad at me for not recognizing Braxton's contractions from real contractions..."

"How could you have known? You never had real contractions before. Liv, it's me, no everything is okay, it's just...Amanda's water just broke, yes, I called 911, they should be here in the next ten minutes. Can you drive directly to the hospital? Yes, I'll tell her." Even though Calvin's research explained out the differences between real labour and Braxton's contractions, differences he knew Amanda must be well aware off, the young man knows that pointing this out to her would only upset her , so he chooses to focus on keeping Amand calm.

"You're sweet...Oh, God, remind me why I let Liv convinced me to carry our children?" Feeling yet another powerful contraction striking from her lower back all the way to her abdomen, Amanda slowly slips from the bed onto the floor.

"Because Olivia is too old to carry children herself and because you knew adoption wouldn't have been the same kind of experience and that it was important for Olivia to be able to feel them growing inside you. Now please, just lie down, here." Helping Amanda to lay down on the floor, Calvin quickly reaches for a pillow and places it under her head to make her more comfortable.

"You're right. It was painful but it was an incredible experience and Olivia was really supportive and she already bounded with them. Oh God..." Arching her back as another contraction violently hits her, Amanda squeezes Calvin's hand.

"Olivia is great with children of all ages, she's gonna be a great mom, just breath and do not push. Help should be here soon." Looking at his watch, Calvin takes a deep breath and crosses her fingers, hoping the ambulance will be here soon because frankly, as much as he learned about child birth online, it didn't prepare him to deliver a baby, let alone two.

"Oh, I think I hear the paramedics. Can you get them please? Liv probably locked the front door when she left." Finally, after ten minutes that seemed like hours, help is here and Amanda couldn't be more relieved.

"Yes, I'll be right back." Kissing Amanda's hand before storming out of the room, Calvin is also relieved to know that he won't have to help Amanda give birth to these twins right there, on the floor and his only wish now is that Olivia doesn't arrive too late.

About an hour later, after skipping all the red lights Olivia, Dorothy and Adele finally arrive at the hospital both out of breath and overwhelmed.

"I'm Detective Olivia Benson, my wife Amanda Benson was brought here about an hour ago, she's in labour." Out of breath after taking the stairs all the way up to the obstetric floor, Olivia finally reaches the nurses desk.

"Yes, don't worry you haven't missed the birth of your twins, please follow me, I'll bring you to her." The nurse replies as she stands up and invites Olivia to follow her.

"We'll be right here waiting." As close as both Dorothy and Adele are to Amanda and as involved as they have been in this pregnancy so far, they both know that only Olivia's presence is legitimate and that they'd have to wait until the twins are born and to finally meet them and hold Amanda in their arms.

"Yes, I...Yes." Following the nurses towards the delivery suite, Olivia is lacking words to express how anxious and yet happy she is and even though she's been preparing herself for the past nine months, she knows that once she enters that room, anything can happen, that she won't be in control and that the only thing she'll be able to do is hold Amanda's hand and try to help her breath hoping her presence will ease the pain and give her the strength to work through it.

"Olivia, you're here!" Calvin hollers as he runs into the brunette's arms, relieved to see that she's finally here, just in time to witness the birth of the twins.

"Yes, I am. Did I miss anything?" Her arms tightened around Calvin, Olivia immediately reaches out to her wife and is surprised to see that she seems relatively relaxed and quiet.

"No, the Doctor gave me the epidural when I arrived, so I feel much better now." Amanda is lying on her back, her knees are lifted up and while Dr Coburn is examining her, she feels no pain, what so ever.

"You're just in time Olivia. Amanda, you're ten centimeters and fully effaced and I can see the head of baby number 1." Dr Coburn says, she's sitting at the end of the table between Amanda's legs.

"Good. Calvin, how about you go wait with Dorothy and Adele? I promise I'll get you once the twins are born."

"No, I want him to stay!" Although Amanda is relieved that Olivia is finally by her side, she's not willing to let Calvin go regardless of how young he is.

"I don't think that's such a great idea babe, he's only fifteen." Olivia replies, kissing Amanda's forehead thinking that the line between helping Amanda and exposing him to something that wasn't appropriate has to be drawn now.

"If I may give you my opinion, he might only be fifteen but he's the one who called 911 and stayed with Amanda until the ambulance arrived and he's been helping me calming her down for the past hour, and I might need him to continue to do just that." Even if allowing a fifteen year old teenager to stay during delivery is against protocole, Dr Coburn is smart enough to see how soothing Calvin's words are to Amanda and knows that his ability to calm her down might come handy later on.

"Yes, Liv, I can help. Come on, I know I can handle it!" Calvin is at this age when he's not a child anymore but not an adult yet and this is the perfect opportunity for him to prove he deserves to be considered as such.

"Alright, you can stay but if things get too intense I'll ask you to leave, okay?" Even if this isn't what she and Amanda had in mind when they tried to involve Calvin in this pregnancy so he wouldn't feel left appart, denying him the opportunity to participate would probably make him feel like an outcast and that's the last thing Olivia wants.

"Yes, thank you!" Calvin replies as rushes in Olivia's arms before settling at the other side of the bed where he's able to hold Amanda's left hand.

"Alright Amanda, it's time, I want you to push during the next contraction okay?" Dr Coburn instructs as she positions herself closer to Amanda, her hands ready to welcome baby number one's head.

For the next hour or so, Amanda will have to go through the hardest challenge of her entire life. Even she's been shot once, broke a few bones, nothing could not compare to the excruciating and yet fulfilling experience that giving birth was. Although the epidural proved very effective, pushing those babies out of her required much more strength than she ever anticipated. Thankfully, every time she felt she couldn't continue, that she didn't have it in her to do this, both Calvin and Olivia were there there to encourage her, to hold her hand through the pain and give her the strength she needed.

"I don't think they really look alike..." After five long hours of standing next to Amanda, holding her hand, Calvin is finally able to hold one of the twins in his arm and that is well worth going through hearing the blonde scream at the top of her lungs for that long.

"That's because they're fraternal twins, they came from two different eggs." Finally holding their daughter in her arms, Olivia is sitting on Amanda's bed thinking that feeling that little bundle of joy against her is well worth the past nine months she spent worrying, picturing the worse that could happen.

"They might not look alike but they certainly have a lot hair...I guess they take after you Liv." Lying in bed, Amanda is slowly recuperating after giving, thinking that those two beautiful baby girls are probably the most incredible gift Liv could have given her and that they're well worth all the nauseas, weight gain or back pain she had to suffer through for nine months.

"Yes, I think they have your nose too!" Standing there gently jiggling the baby in his arms, Calvin is remarkably confident and steady, like if he already held babies dozens of times.

"I'm not sure about that. So, have you thought about how we could name them?" Looking at Calvin holding her daughter, Olivia has no doubt that he's going to make a gentle, caring older brother.

"You're asking me?"

"Yes, I don't know how we could have done this without you, so Amanda and I think it's only fair that you get to name one of them." Over the past few months, Olivia spent hours preparing every single detail to make the nursery and the house ready to welcome the twins but the one thing they never talked about was how they wanted to name the twins.

"You know Liv and I haven't decided yet because we thought it would be easier to pick names after meeting them and we really need your help." Asking Calvin to name one of the twins is Amanda's idea, as a way of getting him even more involved in this new adventure.

"How about we name this one Serena after your mom Liv?" Even though Olivia explained to him just how complicated her relationship with her mother was when she was still alive, Calvin knows better than anyone that resenting her mother for hurting her doesn't stop Olivia from loving and missing her and he's convinced that naming one of the girls after her is a nice way of paying tribute to her.

"I think that's a wonderful idea Calvin. How about we name this one here Liliane?" Smiling through grinned teeth, Olivia is forced to admit to herself that yes, she misses her mom and wishes she'd be here to see her happy, to witness how she overcame her difficult up bringing and how she didn't allowed her fear of passing on her father's genes stop her from donating her eggs to Amanda.

"After my grand mother?"

"Yes, Liliane and Serena Benson. That sounds pretty good, doesn't it?" About a month after Olivia and her got married, Amanda made a formal request to change her name and just a couple of weeks ago, her request was granted and she's now officially known as Amanda Benson.

"Speaking of name. Amanda and I talked about it and how would you feel if we adopted you?" At first, Olivia was a bit reluctant to consider adopting him, not because she doesn't love him enough, but because her intentions were never to replace his biological mother, but seeing him holding little Serena, there's in no doubt in her mind that Calvin is her son and even if she doesn't need a piece of paper to prove her love to him, making things official seems like the right thing to do.

"You want to adopt me?" Shaking her head as he takes a few steps towards Amanda's bed, Calvin is surprised and also overwhelmed and he doesn't really understand what that would imply.

"Well, first you must know that the last thing Olivia and I want is to replace your mother. She gave birth to you, she loves you as much as you love her and she will always be your mother but you, the twins, Olivia and I are a family now and we would like to make it official." Even though she's the one who suggested this to Olivia, Amanda is slightly pissed at her wife for bringing it up like this without discussing it with her first and by the look on Calvin's face, she can tell that he feels overwhelmed and that Olivia's spontaneity was definitely not the right way to go.

"Can I think about it?" There is no doubt that Calvin loves Amanda and Olivia with all his heart but part of him still wishes that his mom will come back some day and the last thing he wants is for her to think that he forgot all about her and replaced her.

"Of course, and if you don't want us to formally adopt you, it would be perfectly fine. We don't need a piece of paper or for you to share our name to be a family." Seeing how confused her "offer" is making him, Olivia immediately pulls the boy who's still holding little Serena in her arms.

"I know and I promise I'm gonna be the best big brother ever." For the first time in his life, not only Calvin feels loved and cared for but he finally feels part of that family he long craved and that is worth all the pain and suffering he faced in his young life.

* * *

This has to be the crappiest chapter I ever wrote. I have been struggling for the past week to write it and I just couldn't do better than this, I'm sorry. I hope you still enjoyed this chapter and the name I picked for the twins and the fact that I decided to get Calvin involved...

I'm going to write an epilogue to end this story and I would love for you to give me a few suggestion. What would you like this epilogue to be about?

Thank you!


	56. Epilogue

**Chapter 56 :**

**Epilogue :**

Ten years passed since Amanda gave birth to Serena and Liliane. Only a few days after giving birth, Amanda was released from the hospital and remained on maternity leave for eight weeks before finally going back to work. During their maternity leaves both Amanda and Olivia spent a fair amount of time reflecting on their new lives and responsibilities and agreed that extending their family required making some adjustments and compromises. So, Amanda decided to ask to be transferred to the computer crime units where her computer skills and experience with sex crimes were greatly appreciated and Olivia, upon Munch retirement, decided to take the Sergent exam, which she passed with flying colours. Because those two new positions required less time in the fields, the two women were able to find the perfect balance between helping those in needs and spending time with their children without neglecting one or the other, and they even got to work together whenever Amanda and her team found themselves investigating cyber crimes involving young children.

Although Amanda immediately settled into her new position and hit it off with her new team right away, Olivia found herself missing the field work and often felt that spending hours talking to the press or filling up paper work wasn't exactly the best way to help victims. Thankfully, from time to time, she still manages to set her administrative duties aside to take a more prominent part in the investigations, by spending time with victims to help them through their testimony or sometimes even through trial. At the end of the day, it doesn't matter how boring her new position sometimes feels, there is nothing that could make her regret her decision, not when it allows her to be home every night for dinner or go on romantic week ends with her beautiful wife.

Now, after ten years of marriage, Olivia and Amanda are as in love as they were when they started dating if not more.

"What do you think is this big news he wanted to tell us about?" Sitting on the edge on her seat, Amanda can't help but wonder why Calvin called a family meeting, on a Wednesday night non the less. Ever since Calvin came to live with them, Amanda took it upon herself to be as caring, loving and supportive with him as she is with the twins and even if adjusting to having two little sisters brought its lot of challenges, Calvin became is full member of the Rollins-Benson clan.

"I don't know. Maybe he got promoted. Alex told me he did exceptionally well during his last trial." Olivia replies, as she gently snakes her arm around her wife's shoulder. Around them are Serena and Liliane who are now almost ten years old, Adele who decided to move to New York a few years back to be closer to her family and implant the family business there, Dorothy who is still living in New-York and who even got remarried to a Veterinarian she met when the family dog got run over by a drunk driver a couple of years back.

"Sorry for keeping you waiting." Calvin suddenly says as he steps into the living room, a large tray full in his hands. He's now twenty-five years old and after graduating with honours from Colombia law school, specialising in family law just last year, he got hired by a charitable foundation that advocates for battered women or abused children and helps them fight their abusers in court and rebuild their lives.

"It's my fault, I must say I'm slightly nervous." Standing right besides Calvin is Laura, his girlfriend of two years who he met during law school.

"Don't be, well, unless you did something illegal or to hurt Calvin, in which case I'd have to either arrest you or break your legs." Olivia says, laughing, knowing just how nervous Laura is around her, even after two years. When Calvin first introduced Laura to the family, Olivia could not understand what he could see in her, especially since she studied corporate law and seemed to have little in common with him. Thankfully, with time, Olivia started to get to know her better and see just how compassionate, funny and smart the young woman was. Now, despite believing that no woman could ever be good enough for her son, Olivia considers Laura as a full member of her family.

"Ma! Damn it. You know she's kidding right?" Sending the most disapproving look to Olivia, Calvin quickly reaches out to his beautiful girlfriend, snaking his arm around her knowing just how terrified the brunette can be.

"Damn, can you imagine what's gonna happen when we start bringing our dates home?" Liliane says, as she starts to picture Olivia and Amanda questioning her and her sister's potential boyfriends.

"Don't worry about what Ma is gonna say or do to your boyfriends if they ever hurt you because it will be nothing to what I'll do to them. No guy will ever get away after hurting my little sisters." Calvin, even though he started college when the twins were only two, was always and still remains the perfect big brother, caring, supportive, present when ever they needed a confident. Actually, while most of his classmates were more than delighted to live in dorms away from their parents and enjoy every single minute of their newly found freedom, Calvin chose to remain at the family house until he and Laura moved in together a year ago, even though it meant driving to school every day, sometimes during rush hour.

"Why do you assume that we're going bring boys home? Liliane did use the word dates, not boys." And here comes Serena, the most rebel of the pair, who takes pleasure in challenging her parents' authority just for the thrill of contradicting them and see how far she can push them.

"Nice attempt to pull the cover to you Serena. Laura, please, continue, I'll deal with my daughter's rebellion later." Narrowing her eye brows as she looks at Serena, Olivia can't help but seeing herself in her daughter. Serena, on top of being rebellious, is also extremely passionate, loyal and possesses a profound intolerance for injustice, which lead her to often step up whenever children were bullied in school. Liliane on the other hand, is much calmer, she always considers the pros and cons before making any important decision, she's very studious and while Serena enjoys spending her free time running or playing basket ball with Olivia, she prefers reading and sharing her opinions with her Amanda, in one word, they couldn't be more different and yet nothing ever seems to sever the natural bond that was created in utero.

"Well... Laura and I were celebrating our two year anniversary last night and I proposed to her but you already knew that since you all helped me to pick up the ring..." Standing in front of his entire family, feeling like a complete idiot, Calvin can barely find his words. Despite knowing how happy they all are that he finally decided to pop the question, there's something else Laura and him need to announce and he has a strong feeling that they, especially Olivia might not be completely happy about it.

"Well, she said yes, right?" Looking at Calvin's face turning strangely pale, Amanda is starting to wonder if Laura didn't turn him down.

"Yes, of course I said yes, but there's something else you need to know. Yesterday, only a few hours before Calvin proposed, I found out that I was pregnant. We're having a baby." Shrugging her shoulders as she finally lets the words slip through her teeth, Laura squeezes Calvin's hand as hard as she can, her mouth is dry, her heart is hammering her chest and her head is pounding and that's not one of the effect of her pregnancy, she's terrified of Olivia and Amanda's reaction.

"OH MY GOD! That's a terrific news, congratulations!" Bouncing off the couch, Amanda immediately rushes towards the young couple and pulls them into a warm embrace.

"Thank you mom, ma, aren't you happy for us?" Amanda's support was never Calvin's main concern because of his two parents, she's always the one encouraging him to explore and enjoy life, to stop being so serious. Olivia, on the other hand, always pushes him to study and work hard, even if it means neglecting his social life. Thankfully, Olivia's rather severe education never bothered Calvin because he knows that all the she wants is for him to succeed, because she loves him. Sadly, announcing Laura's pregnancy just a few months after they both stepped into adulthood by finding their first job, is something he fears Olivia might not approve of.

"I'm definitely too young to be a grand mother but you my son, aren't too young to be a father and you Laura will make a wonderful mother." Son, that's how Olivia and Amanda finally got to call Calvin, ever since they adopted him nine years ago. When Olivia first told Calvin that she and Amanda wanted to adopt him, just after the twins were born, Calvin was in shock, completely overwhelmed and also incredibly torn between his desire to be a part of this family and his love for his biological mother. For the following year, Calvin weighted the pros and cons, over and over, until one day he finally came to realize that, just like Olivia explained, becoming a Benson wouldn't erase his mother from his life or his heart and a few months later, things were made official. Sadly, Calvin never heard from his mother and to this day he still wonders if she's dead or alive but he's determined to live his life without torturing himself over it, now that he's going to be a father, he determined to look towards the future, not cry over the past.

"Oh thank God, I thought you were gonna tell us that we're too young, that we just started working and that it's ludicrous to even consider raising a child with the hour we both work." Calvin replies, relieved that he won't have to justify his desire to keep this child.

"Yes, you're young but you're both very mature and you got a good job, so you'll be able to provide for this child and besides, your mother and I will always be there to babysit or do what ever grand parents are supposed to do. We love you." Her arms snaked around Calvin and Laura, Olivia is barely able to hold her tears. When she met Amanda at the age of 43, she had given of hope of meeting that special someone, that would make her forget her past and help her work through her deepest fears and most importantly she had given up the idea of having a child. Now, twelve years later, she's surrounded by those three smart, passionate, caring children she'd give her life for in a heart beat and this gorgeous woman who agreed to married her ten years ago. Despite all the darkness, pain and suffering she put her through during the first few months of their relationship, Amanda never gave up on her and she continues to amaze with by her humour, her tenderness, her passion every single time they make love and with that incredible ability she has to make her heart jump every single time she steps foot into a room, or her jaw drop every single time she undresses in front of her. Yes, it took 43 years for her to allow herself to love and others to love her back and as chaotic and frightening as this journey has been, it was worth starting over...

* * *

Alright, I know there are so many things I could have included in this epilogue, but quite frankly I didn't have the inspiration for it but I hope you still enjoyed this epilogue!

Thank you all for reading this story, for giving me ideas and encouraging me whenever I felt down. I never expected this story to be as popular as my rizzles stories. At first I thought I'd be lucky to receive a couple of review per chapter but this story quickly became very popular and I'm so grateful for all your support! Maybe I don't suck as much as my anon hater(s) think(s)!

I will see you guys in a few days , when I publish my new story! I know a few of you followed me from the Rizzles fandom to the Rolivia fandom and I hope that you'll follow me to my next story regardless of the pairing I will choose to write about! So please subscribe to me as an author, just in case this next fiction isn't an SVU story!

Thank you again for the support! I love you guys!

PS : Feel free to send me private messages with ideas. I'm open to any lesbian pairing, from any shows(if I actually watch that show.) Actually, I'd consider it a nice challenge to explore a pairing I never wrote about before!


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